Guy I'm dating going out with woman he doesn't know

April 16, 2016

Hi all,

I am back . I have a question. I've been dating a guy for the past month and a half or so. We've gone on many dates already, and have been intimate. Until recently, he had been great and very affectionate and attentive. However, in the past week or so, I have noticed some changes. He is definitely less attentive. Also, I have noticed that he is rather selfish in bed. He also did not want to be intimate when he didn't feel like it, or in ways he didn't feel like, but wanted to push me into being intimate when I didn't want to / was tired and in pain. I didn't end up doing it, and he eventually didn't insist but the fact that he had turned me down the night before, for just mere touching , nothing beyond that (since I was on my period and didn't want to do more than that), really raised alarm in my head.

Also, when he's with me, he doesn't want to do anything -- we go out to restaurants every now and then but it's become sparse. He has a flatmate, and she was out one time he invited me to his place, and the following morning, he spent all day in bed, didn't want to get out of bed, or do anything even though the weather was so nice. I was really frustrated, because I am not used to being in bed all day long. At the same time, I didn't want to just get up get dressed and abruptly leave. I didn't have my laptop or anything else on me, to entertain myself either.

Anyway, the real issue is that he told me the other day that he is going out with 2 women, on a saturday night, to dinner. He does not know the women, but claims one of them is the gf of one of his friends, and the other is her female friend. He hasn't met them, so it seems rather weird that he is going out to dinner with 2 women he doesn't know, for a first-time meeting. On a Saturday night. With a reservation at a restaurant. Whenever we had dinner , he never booked tables at a restaurant which meant we had to go from one restaurant to another because they either didn't have a spot or were too noisy, etc. I just feel like she already is getting better treatment than me, despite the fact that he claims he doesn't even know her. Also, I am now wondering if it's only one person he is going out with, rather than 2, but lied and said it was 2 people, because I'd be less suspicious of something "bad" going on between them.

He has said before that he doesn't have many friends in town, so while he could've claimed to be going out with male friends , it would've been difficult for him to get me to believe it, especially on a saturday night.... also, he did ask me if I wanted to go with him, but it was less of an invitation than a "you can come with me if you want to" type thing. When I asked him if he wanted me to go, or if he was just asking me so that I wouldn't say that he hadn't invited me, he said he'd rather I didn't come.

Is this a red flag?? Especially the dinner thing with another woman. I would never have gone out with one or two men, on a saturday night, all alone, for dinner at a fancy restaurant with reservations, whom I didn't even know! Without actually INVITING my boyfriend along with me, and actually MEANING the invitation.... to me, it seems rather disrespectful behavior. How should I react / respond to this?

I have already told him that I don't take well to my partners doing things with other women on a one-on-one basis or in my absence, and that it was an issue in my previous relationship. So the issue is not lack of communication. I was direct with him about not being comfortable about this. At the same time, I wasn't about to lower myself and accept an invitation that I was not really given - so I said I wouldn't go. After I told him I wouldn't come, he actually said he preferred that I wouldn't come, and that he just wanted to ask me. The way he asked me, it was already clear that this was the case, though. So I took it as a non-invite in the first place.

I don't want to be passive aggressive, but part of me wants to cancel on him for tomorrow (he wants to see me tomorrow). I feel like the fact that he's going out with her on a Saturday night (which is when most things are "happening" in town ) , and leaving me for a Sunday, is insulting and he's put me on a back burner, so to speak. So early on, I'd say this is a red flag, as he should be on his best behavior.

He hasn't told me what he intends t do on Sunday. He doesn't usually tell me ahead of time. Which leaves me hanging / kinda forced to go along with anything he springs on me.

I was OK with that, and assumed it was his style, and went along with the flow, but now I see that he's already booked a resto for a woman he doesn't even know, and that really upset me.

Am I overreacting? Should I cancel for tomorrow? Part of me wants to be passive aggressive and send a signal of my displeasure. I am afraid that if I go tomorrow, and pretend nothing has happened, I will "train" him to treat me like this all the time.

April 16, 2016

The change in behavior sounds like he's checking out, possibly bored and seeking other possibilities.. I have to wonder if his blatant disregard in just being upfront with you about this dinner date is him hoping you'll just go ahead and pull the plug.

April 16, 2016

I'd go with your gut on this one. The overall feeling of your post is that you are not impressed with how he's treated you. Go with that because it's probably telling you that he's not the right match for you.

For the record, I'd be pretty upset too if someone I was dating and had made a commitment to was going out to dinner with 2 women and didn't really want me to go along. But it's not just that. You are only a month and a half into this relationship and he's already doing things that get on your nerves.

April 16, 2016

I was OK with that, and assumed it was his style, and went along with the flow, but now I see that he's already booked a resto for a woman he doesn't even know, and that really upset me.

Am I overreacting? Should I cancel for tomorrow? Part of me wants to be passive aggressive and send a signal of my displeasure. I am afraid that if I go tomorrow, and pretend nothing has happened, I will "train" him to treat me like this all the time.

Being the "go with the flow" woman never leads anywhere good, OP.

You're not at all overreacting. If you're not OK with what he's doing, it up to you to vocalize that. Yes, you might lose his company, but from what you've described of him, I can hardly think that's a bad thing.

Assertively stating your need/wants/pleasures/displeasures MAY drive some men away, but it will keep the ones in your life who want to be there. This guy sounds a bit a&&y. Don't stand for it.

April 16, 2016

He is obviously not very into the relationship you have, as casual and "no strings" as it is, and is open to anything.

What are you even getting out of this? I saw not even one thing positive in your whole post??:confused:

April 16, 2016

Ah. I came across as too unhappy/complaining too much, but fact is, these are the only (if major) red flags. Aside from this, he has been extremely nice and has not given me hints that he wants just a casual / FWB thing.

-He came to pick me up from the bus station on the day I returned home (it was a surprise), after I went to see my sister thinking she was about to give birth. He had rented a car, and had gotten me a bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates for my bday (which had been during my absence of a few days). He also then drove me home, I got changed , while he waited , and then he took me out to dinner. Also, he had taken the day off work, to do that.

-He has so far paid for every dinner aside from two times where I wanted to pay, despite him being uncomfortable with it.

-He has invited me to his place, and made a romantic dinner for me, and had put candles, etc. everywhere. He had spent the entire day preparing for it. And he does not even cook usually.

-He said his flatmate would be out of town, so he invited me over to his place from Sunday- Wednesday. And he said he was planning things for us to do on Sunday but also during the week (he is off work while his contract gets renewed).

-He has enjoyed my company even when there is no sex involved; / intellectual discussions, etc.

-He has been very regular and consistent with his texts and calls.

-2 days ago, I came back home, from another short visit to see my newborn nephew in the U.S. When I got home (he didn't pick me up this time), he had left me a teddy bear and a card at my front door. I found it very sweet. He then asked me if I was disappointed that he hadn't come to pick me up at the station. He said the reason he didn't come was that he wanted me to go home alone to find what he had left at my doorstep.

Hm.

Edited April 16, 2016 by NoMoreJerks

April 16, 2016

If after 1.5 months -- and his behavior is now/already changing, seeming less attentive along with the other issues you mentioned in your first post, as well as his need to meet other women for dinner -- seems like a no brainer. Maybe he was doing all those nice things when he was interested but it seems like his interest is now wavering.

April 16, 2016

Yes ...

But he's also selfish about his time (staying in bed all day; not planning ahead with you), selfish in bed, and is about to go to a dinner with one, possibly two other women without you.

You have enough to complain, be unhappy, and to want BETTER about.

April 16, 2016

I don't want to lower my expectations, and bust my boundaries, which is why I refuse to dismiss the red flags, which is something I used to do in previous relationships. I had bad experiences with a similar issue (ex spending time with female friends, and not inviting me/ towards the end not even telling me, etc.). To be honest, the way my last relationship ended, and the timing of it, was extremely traumatizing, and I vowed never to allow myself to be treated like that. So maybe I am a bit oversensitive in terms of situating the scenario within the broader context. I may have been overly critical of the guy , without mentioning all the great things he's done, which might indicate he is interested in me. Maybe it's just an innocent (albeit tactless) thing?

April 16, 2016

The way he presented it, his male friend is not in the country, and his gf has come here, so he asked my guy if he could take her around a little bit . Initially, he was supposed to go pick her up from the airport last week. Maybe he is doing his male friend a favor?? Is that a possibility? If that is the case, should I ignore my alarms going off, and give him another chance? Again, this is based on what he's told me. There might not even be a male friend in the picture. He said his friend is coming in May, so he's gonna be spending time with him... Wonder if that's a euphemism for spending time with this other woman. Wonder if there is no male friend in the first place? I have no idea. I need to investigate.

April 16, 2016

Why are you backpedaling, OP?

I don't doubt he's interested in you, but that doesn't mean he's making you a priority. At 1.5 months with someone, you shouldn't be doubting their interest. Their level of investment, maybe, but not their interest.

This whole scenario sounds like you could do better.

April 16, 2016

What's a red flag is that he's so selfish about affection and sex, which pretty much tells you what he's in it for. He's at least told you he's seeing other women. Now it's up to you to decide if you want to keep dating him, for that and other reasons. Don't sit around thinking he's going to morph into some good affectionate faithful guy for you though.

April 16, 2016

I don't want to lower my expectations, and bust my boundaries, which is why I refuse to dismiss the red flags, which is something I used to do in previous relationships. I had bad experiences with a similar issue (ex spending time with female friends, and not inviting me/ towards the end not even telling me, etc.). To be honest, the way my last relationship ended, and the timing of it, was extremely traumatizing, and I vowed never to allow myself to be treated like that. So maybe I am a bit oversensitive in terms of situating the scenario within the broader context. I may have been overly critical of the guy , without mentioning all the great things he's done, which might indicate he is interested in me. Maybe it's just an innocent (albeit tactless) thing?

It's common to post, then after receiving feedback that supports your judgment and instincts, then back peddle because now you afraid of what you're hearing.

Pay attention to red flags. Trust your judgment. Go with your gut.

If after 1.5 months, he's already selfish in bed, not attentive, pushes you to be intimate, doesn't want to do anything with you, sleeps all day, never plans the day with you, and is now starting to see other women -- writing on the wall. 1.5 months -- two people should be crazy about each other. Rather he's going out with other women while you're home on a Saturday night.

You can stay. Likely he'll keep you on the side while he sees what's out there. Likely lose all respect for you because you're willing to sit back and let him do whatever he wants.

Edited April 16, 2016 by Zahara

April 16, 2016

The way he presented it, his male friend is not in the country, and his gf has come here, so he asked my guy if he could take her around a little bit . Initially, he was supposed to go pick her up from the airport last week. Maybe he is doing his male friend a favor?? Is that a possibility? If that is the case, should I ignore my alarms going off, and give him another chance? Again, this is based on what he's told me. There might not even be a male friend in the picture. He said his friend is coming in May, so he's gonna be spending time with him... Wonder if that's a euphemism for spending time with this other woman. Wonder if there is no male friend in the first place? I have no idea. I need to investigate.

If it's all innocent, he could have invited you. He could have wanted you to be there. Have you connect with these women as well. Who knows maybe you could even show her around and do some girlie fun stuff with her.

Not some half baked invite, hoping you'll say no and then actually tell you he'd rather you not be there.

April 16, 2016

So what should I do? What's the suggested course of action?

Ignore him / go silent on him/NC ? I am not comfortable confronting him / telling him it's over. I just don't like the confrontation aspect.

Do I end things? Is that what is being recommended here? Or do I tread carefully / not disregard this red flag, but wait and see how it plays out? Is the writing already on the wall , as someone has already stated?

April 16, 2016

Also, when I confronted him about him not wanting to be intimate with me, he said he was just tired, and knew he wouldn't be able to perform, and that he doesn't like doing things in a half-assed way/not perform well/let me down.

April 16, 2016

So what should I do? What's the suggested course of action?

Ignore him / go silent on him/NC ? I am not comfortable confronting him / telling him it's over. I just don't like the confrontation aspect.

Do I end things? Is that what is being recommended here? Or do I tread carefully / not disregard this red flag, but wait and see how it plays out? Is the writing already on the wall , as someone has already stated?

This is your relationship. What are you willing to tolerate? What are your boundaries? Dealbreakers? Disregard "this" red flag -- but there's more than one.

Why aren't you comfortable stating your boundaries to him and confronting him with a decision? When do you learn to stand up for yourself? If you're adult enough to date, sleep and pursue someone in a relationship, you should be adult enough to communicate.

Personally, this would be a done deal for me. Best to feel the sting 1.5 months versus 1.5 years.

Advice was given, it's up to you to decide.

April 16, 2016

So what should I do? What's the suggested course of action?

Ignore him / go silent on him/NC ? I am not comfortable confronting him / telling him it's over. I just don't like the confrontation aspect.

Do I end things? Is that what is being recommended here? Or do I tread carefully / not disregard this red flag, but wait and see how it plays out? Is the writing already on the wall , as someone has already stated?

What do you WANT to do?

April 16, 2016

Personally, because I don't know the exact nature of that dinner, I would let him go and see what happens.

Then I'd stop accommodating his schedule and his spontaneous dates. If he calls, decline his invitation and tell him you need him to start planning a bit in advance with you. He's proven he can do that with tonight's dinner, there's no reason he can't do it with you. If he balks, say bye-bye.

April 16, 2016

I am not sure what I want to do.

I am just scared of confrontation, because of the way things ended with my previous ex. I am too scarred to be reliving the trauma of a failed dating/relationship again , so soon after my previous one (6 months since breakup with my ex, initiated by him). I was really happy that dating this new guy (who seemed very promising) had finally gotten me to overcome the scars of my previous break-up.

I guess I was not ready to date, and this was a rebound.

I am not sure.

I really feel scared of things ending, just the idea of it. At the same time, I feel scared about going forward, considering how this made me feel. I already feel a lot of resentment. And I don't think I can backpedal on this sort of resentment at this point.

April 16, 2016

He just texted me the following:

"I am on my way. Going to see the gf of my friend, then we are going to go have dinner at {name of restaurant}. I hope you are having a good afternoon. Kisses."

WHat is that supposed to mean? He is now only seeing HER? Also, what does he mean he's going to see her, then they are going to go to the resto???? Is he going to go pick her up? Is he going to her apartment? Her hotel room? Where??? Are they doing some sort of activity together aside from dinner??!? I have no idea.

And why is he texting me with details like that??? Is it to reassure me? /check in with me??? Or is it to make me feel jealous/insecure? Also, what happened to the gf's female friend? Now it's only 1 person he's seeing?

April 16, 2016

Put it this way if I was set up to meet two guys I didn't know for dinner, (not for business or with nothing particular in common), then I would be very glad to take someone I was dating along, so that at least there would be one person I knew there to bat off and keep the conversation flowing.

Seems a bit of coincidence - she arrives at the airport about a week ago and he has been less attentive and affectionate for the past week... and now

he is wining and dining her, (plus friend)...

April 16, 2016

I am not sure what I want to do.

I am just scared of confrontation, because of the way things ended with my previous ex. I am too scarred to be reliving the trauma of a failed dating/relationship again , so soon after my previous one (6 months since breakup with my ex, initiated by him). I was really happy that dating this new guy (who seemed very promising) had finally gotten me to overcome the scars of my previous break-up.

I guess I was not ready to date, and this was a rebound.

I am not sure.

I really feel scared of things ending, just the idea of it. At the same time, I feel scared about going forward, considering how this made me feel. I already feel a lot of resentment. And I don't think I can backpedal on this sort of resentment at this point.

It's good that you realize these things. This is why it's always good to take as much time as needed to heal and move on and even invest in being alone for awhile. When you start dating soon after an ending, your radar is off and you're often still clouded.

You have to decide what's best for you. Listen to your instincts. And if you want to stay, then enforce boundaries, don't be afraid to voice them, and definitely move on if the red flags continue and if he fails to make the effort.

April 16, 2016

Well I don't think you need to make some big decision right now. Let him go on his dinner and see how things play out.

I think what would benefit you in the long run is learning how to be a bit more assertive in relationships. Don't be the go-with-the-flow, bend-over-backwards woman. Don't sit around his apartment while he sleeps all day—either tell him to get his a$$ out of bed or go do your own thing and tell him to call you later.

The benefit to doing this is that it weeds out men (and people in general) who are only so-so about you. If a man isn't willing to take your feelings and needs and wants into consideration (planning dates, for instance), then he's not going to put in the effort and the relationship dies a natural death. No confrontation necessary.

Start there. Start doing it with this guy, and see what happens. My hunch is that he won't stick around, but in the grand scheme of things, you're not losing out on much.

Being assertive will also curb your resentment.

April 16, 2016

He just texted me the following:

"I am on my way. Going to see the gf of my friend, then we are going to go have dinner at {name of restaurant}. I hope you are having a good afternoon. Kisses."

WHat is that supposed to mean? He is now only seeing HER? Also, what does he mean he's going to see her, then they are going to go to the resto???? Is he going to go pick her up? Is he going to her apartment? Her hotel room? Where??? Are they doing some sort of activity together aside from dinner??!? I have no idea.

And why is he texting me with details like that??? Is it to reassure me? /check in with me??? Or is it to make me feel jealous/insecure? Also, what happened to the gf's female friend? Now it's only 1 person he's seeing?

Maybe put your phone away for the rest of the evening.

Is there a friend you can hang out with? Get yourself out of the house?

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Guy I'm dating going out with woman he doesn't know

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