me or your wife?

[eliza89]

This;

 

 

 

x 1,000s.

 

Please get a grip on this Eliza. This is serious. There is one thing we can never ever get back and that's time. Everything else is small potatoes.

 

I have seen girls/women waste the best part of their lives waiting for a MM to find "the right time" to be with them.

 

One girl I know waited 12 years for a MM who was in a "sexless marriage". He was waiting for his kids to grow up. She ended that relationship when she found out his wife was pregnant.

 

Another girl waited 25 years. It didn't happen. At 50 years of age she got fed up and finally dumped him. She was then too old for children. Silly, silly, silly girl.

 

And of course the girl I posted about earlier who ( at 60 years old) has been waiting 30 years, and is still waiting. As her MM and his wife are 10 years older than her maybe she's waiting for wifey to pop her clogs. What a great future, being a stand-in for a dead woman.

 

Please, please do not waste any more of your valuable time. Move on.

 

Good luck.

 

Omg so people really wait that long?!? I'm getting impatient after 4 months. I'm worried that I've already missed my chance to find Mr right..

If I'm honest I'm so insecure. I'm not ugly (not being big headed) but for some reason I don't feel like I'll be able to keep a man. I know.it sounds stupid but I feel like if he leaves me I can always say his kids were more important than me. (Which is obviously how it should be). Where as if a single man leaves me it's because of me. It most probably doesn't make any sense.

[amomwhoknows]

Ultimatums are generally never a good idea in relationships.

 

That said, you are presuming that if he were to leave that any relationship you have with him would be lasting and sustaining. The odds are not in your favor of this happening.

T

 

Move on, date in a normal way and look for someone that is worthy of you.

[ladydesigner]

Omg so people really wait that long?!? I'm getting impatient after 4 months. I'm worried that I've already missed my chance to find Mr right..

If I'm honest I'm so insecure. I'm not ugly (not being big headed) but for some reason I don't feel like I'll be able to keep a man. I know.it sounds stupid but I feel like if he leaves me I can always say his kids were more important than me. (Which is obviously how it should be). Where as if a single man leaves me it's because of me. It most probably doesn't make any sense.

 

(((eliza89))) start working on your self esteem! Start doing things that make YOU feel good.

 

What you wrote is very insightful. The fear of rejection is a biggie for most and some of us (like me ) are playing out our childhood to try and change the outcome

 

Thing is even in A's the rejection is HUGE. And it is rejection that keeps happening over and over again because many don't leave their M's.

[eliza89]

(((eliza89))) start working on your self esteem! Start doing things that make YOU feel good.

 

What you wrote is very insightful. The fear of rejection is a biggie for most and some of us (like me ) are playing out our childhood to try and change the outcome

 

Thing is even in A's the rejection is HUGE. And it is rejection that keeps happening over and over again because many don't leave their M's.

 

Rejection is definitely my biggest fear. But surely that would make me want to finish it rather than him getting bored of me and then rejecting me. I'm so confused.

He's like a drug. I feel.like I'm addicted to him.

[Girlfromcali]

Rejection is definitely my biggest fear. But surely that would make me want to finish it rather than him getting bored of me and then rejecting me. I'm so confused.

He's like a drug. I feel.like I'm addicted to him.

 

Many if not most of us here have experienced the addiction you are talking about. It is not fun, healthy, nor does anything good come out of it.

Longer you continue, harder it will be to stop. It will not end well.

[ChickiePops]

I'll be honest, I really disliked you at first Eliza..but now I can actually totally relate to you. I definitely understand the fear of rejection and abandonment..I suffer from it too. But my solution is to not put myself out there at all rather than to compete with other women to prove my worth to myself. I have a boyfriend but we don't want the same things so our relationship will never progress. I guess I feel like I don't deserve more than that, or that I'll just never find it.

 

We both have a lot of work to do on ourselves. I think we're both strong enough..we just have to find that extra burst of energy to pull ourselves out of the hole and then we can truly start healing.

[dreamingoftigers]

Rejection is definitely my biggest fear. But surely that would make me want to finish it rather than him getting bored of me and then rejecting me. I'm so confused.

He's like a drug. I feel.like I'm addicted to him.

 

Time to read How to Break Your Addiction to a Person.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm so relieved that you seem to be looking deeper & starting to ask the important questions.

 

I'm NOT being mean. Please don't just dismiss this. Try to really analyze these things...

 

* When this started you had a bf. You were sleeping with MM1 for most/all? of that relationship. You ONLY started to have feelings for MM1 once you were single. You knew he would NEVER leave his W & it was just (fantastic) sex.

 

* It seems that your bf was like a security blanket. You could have A's with MM & NOT get emotionally involved. Can I ask, were you rejected by your bf? Did he find out about your A's & leave?

 

* When you started posting here you "couldn't stop" sleeping with either MM. How did you manage to leave your feelings for MM1? Do you still have feelings for him? Did he leave you?

 

You had 3 men. MM1 - great sex, growing feelings. MM2 - treated you better, took you out, said he would eventually leave his W, NOT good in bed. Same old bf.

 

Is it possible that the sudden intensity of feelings for MM2 is just because all of your eggs are now in his one basket?

 

To be honest my concern is.... You give MM2 the ultimatum. He leaves his family for you. You have him. No more drama, no more "competition". That leaves you bare & vulnerable. Will you be able to be faithful to him?

 

It worries me that you "couldn't leave EITHER MM" until you discovered that MM2 was cheating on you with ANOTHER OW. To a reader it sounds like he wasn't good enough, he was bad sexually until the competition was doubled (wife & OW2).

 

Obviously I'm disgusted that a man with a new baby, a family, is having affairs with 2 women. In my book that makes him scum. He's got 3 young kids. He's NOT a good man.

 

* Maybe that makes him a good partner for you because there will always be competition & drama. I don't think he's capable of fidelity! I DO JUDGE a man who leaves his new baby to sneak off for a weekend with his mistress.

 

YOU STILL HAVENT ANSWERED IF HIS W FOUND OUT & THREW HIM OUT!!!!!

 

What I would really like to see is you becoming healthy for YOU & for your CHILDREN. I don't want you to be the woman this cheating MM2 is a good partner for just because you're damaged.

 

Your situation is so different here. This isn't a typical MM, OW situation. It's not 4 months of intense relationship. At the start he was just the add-on MM2.

 

I don't think you should give him any untimatums. I think you should dump him! Be single. No men. Just you & your kids. Your 26, plenty of time. Why not work on YOU. Heal yourself. Find out why you've been living this life for YEARS (bf + MM1 for 3 years. Since you were only 23!!)

 

How old are your children?

What happened to their father?

Do they have the same father?

Were you married to him?

Did you cheat on each-other?

How many MM have there been?

 

There's just so much going on here & it worries me that most are giving advise as if you're a 'normal' OW. Your life is such a mess & im not sure how much you realize it.

 

I hope you don't take this as me beating on you. It's only by REALLY answering these questions (for yourself) that I think you can find real happiness in your life.

[Mayday2016]

If I'm honest I'm so insecure. I'm not ugly (not being big headed) but for some reason I don't feel like I'll be able to keep a man. I know.it sounds stupid but I feel like if he leaves me I can always say his kids were more important than me. (Which is obviously how it should be). Where as if a single man leaves me it's because of me. It most probably doesn't make any sense.

 

I think a lot of us feel this way. I'm beautiful but I have such poor self-worth. I allowed my MM to treat me like literal garbage. when we don't love ourselves we have difficulty believing anyone else could and we put ourselves in situations where we are the furthest away from ever finding what deep down we really and truly want.

[whichwayisup]

Rejection is definitely my biggest fear. But surely that would make me want to finish it rather than him getting bored of me and then rejecting me. I'm so confused.

He's like a drug. I feel.like I'm addicted to him.

 

And it's not healthy. It's toxic and does damage. This is NOT love and that's why he's never leaving and divorcing his wife to start a new life with you. Also, you put yourself in a situation where you will be rejected because he's married. Automatically setting yourself for a big hurt.

 

please end it, get counseling and work on you so you can become independent, secure and happy on your own.

[Girlfromcali]

I was reading a forum where the posters are men, and they said that the women that turn them on the most (the ones who are the most "skilled" if you will sexually), the ones they do the most exciting and kinky stuff with, are not the ones they love, wanna marry, caress, hold etc.

 

I am not very good at articulating my thoughts but I think that many of us have some kind of notion that our value comes from our sexuality, beauty etc. and I think it goes hand in hand with the low self esteem. I am younger, more beautiful, sexier, funnier than the wife etc...

 

In the end those kinds of things have no real value to the MM. The MM loves his wife because she's kind, mother of his children, loyal, and they have built their life together as a team. That is true love.

[whichwayisup]

Girlfromcali I was reading a forum where the posters are men, and they said that the women that turn them on the most (the ones who are the most "skilled" if you will sexually), the ones they do the most exciting and kinky stuff with, are not the ones they love, wanna marry, caress, hold etc.

 

You mean the Madonna whore complex.

[Girlfromcali]

We have no idea why any man may stay married to his wife - and whether he loves her or not.

 

But one thing is certain...loving behavior doesn't include cheating on the woman he claims he loves. This is the difference between meaningless words and important actions. If his action is that he cheats then he has problems. And keep in mind that if he's cheating on her he would likely cheat on you too...apparently he can claim to love someone and betray them with his actions. I refer to that kind of man as a true jerk.

 

I don't agree with that but that's my opinion.

[Girlfromcali]

So you believe it's loving behavior for a married person to cheat?

 

No, but it's really hard for me to think that my xAP doesn't love his wife. I can deal with him not loving me but I can't deal with him not loving his wife.

 

I am making excuses for him...it's an old habit.

 

I shouldn't think about them at all. That is a fact.

[Arieswoman]

GirlfromCali

 

it's really hard for me to think that my xAP doesn't love his wife. I can deal with him not loving me but I can't deal with him not loving his wife.

 

I don't really see how his emotional connection to his wife (or lack of it) is impacting on you?

 

Love is all things to all people.

 

Maybe he loves her maybe he doesn't, only he knows the truth - which is of course his truth.

 

Some men don't cheat because they have stopped loving their wives, they cheat for an ego boost.

 

However, IMO cheating isn't loving behaviour.

[Girlfromcali]

GirlfromCali

 

 

 

I don't really see how his emotional connection to his wife (or lack of it) is impacting on you?

 

Love is all things to all people.

 

Maybe he loves her maybe he doesn't, only he knows the truth - which is of course his truth.

 

Some men don't cheat because they have stopped loving their wives, they cheat for an ego boost.

 

However, IMO cheating isn't loving behaviour.

 

Because I would feel bad for her, I guess. Although it doesn't matter and I shouldn't even think about them.

 

He is not (or so I thought) a very good liar and maybe that's why not a good cheater. He said he never cheated on his wife before because he didn't want to complicate his life, and that he never had desire to cheat before. He actually never said that his lack of cheating was due to him loving his wife although he always said he loved her. For him having two women he "loved" was the most natural thing ever. The only thing that seemed to bother him was the fact that he wasn't good at lying.

 

Last time I saw him, he said to me that he needs to "become a better liar". It affected me a lot because here I was thinking I was in love with him, and I wanted to make him a better man, not worse.

 

However, I don't really know if he ever was the kind of person I thought he was, and I probably am not the kind of person he thinks I am since there is no truth in something that starts with a lie.

[cocorico]

Why would you want a man that would abandon his wife for you? I know this sounds judgmental, but I am genuinely curious about this.

 

That kind of man sounds very weak and not someone I could ever trust. I just in general do not understand women who would ask a man to choose her over his wife.

 

Moreover, even if he did choose you, somewhere along the way he may start feeling resentment over the fact that you pressured him to leave his family. Would you really want that?

 

Again, I am not being judgmental because I have not basis on throwing any judgments on anyone else.

 

My H left his xBW "for me" - although it was really for himself and his kids. But I was the catalyst.

 

I don't consider it abandonment. I don't consider marriage to be a life sentence with no possibility of parole. I consider marriage to be a contract between two people and the state, valid until broken by one of the parties (for any of a number of reasons). I do not consider it "abandonment" if one party tries concertedly and repeatedly to improve things while the other party actively resists. i do not consider it abandonment of one party has repeatedly broken many vows and shows a complete lack of willingness to change, should the other party decide they've had enough. Likewise, I would not consider fleeing an abusive or toxic R to be abandonment, either.

 

I have no problems with trust. He has consistently proven himself trustworthy to me over a dozen or more years. He was consistently trustworthy to her for decades, until the final straw left him vulnerable. It's common sense to me that if I treat him appallingly for decades, I should expect some consequence, but since I am not inclined to do that I don't see it as an issue.

 

Not sure why guilt-tripping OWs who want their BFs to leave their BWs is a thing - people want what they want. How they go about communicating it, and how they handle it if it happens, surely matters far more than simply wishing he'd leave.

[Girlfromcali]

My H left his xBW "for me" - although it was really for himself and his kids. But I was the catalyst.

 

I don't consider it abandonment. I don't consider marriage to be a life sentence with no possibility of parole. I consider marriage to be a contract between two people and the state, valid until broken by one of the parties (for any of a number of reasons). I do not consider it "abandonment" if one party tries concertedly and repeatedly to improve things while the other party actively resists. i do not consider it abandonment of one party has repeatedly broken many vows and shows a complete lack of willingness to change, should the other party decide they've had enough. Likewise, I would not consider fleeing an abusive or toxic R to be abandonment, either.

 

I have no problems with trust. He has consistently proven himself trustworthy to me over a dozen or more years. He was consistently trustworthy to her for decades, until the final straw left him vulnerable. It's common sense to me that if I treat him appallingly for decades, I should expect some consequence, but since I am not inclined to do that I don't see it as an issue.

 

Not sure why guilt-tripping OWs who want their BFs to leave their BWs is a thing - people want what they want. How they go about communicating it, and how they handle it if it happens, surely matters far more than simply wishing he'd leave.

 

It's not a life sentence. If you want a divorce, go ahead. Just make sure you start dating new people AFTER your divorce not during it.

 

I don't think for a second, a marriage that starts from an affair is going to last. So, you going to now trust someone who was lying to his ex wife?

 

But hey, it seems to work for Brad and Angelina..

[sandylee1]

It's not a life sentence. If you want a divorce, go ahead. Just make sure you start dating new people AFTER your divorce not during it.

 

..

 

You are so right with this ^^^^^^

 

A man who isn't happy and hasn't got the courage or the balls to leave is very weak.... and as such not one I'd want in my life. If you're unhappy stop with the excuses and be honourable, rather than sneaking around like a grounded teenager.

 

It's a sign of what he'll do if he's not he's not happy in the future.

[1111volcano]

Way to early on asking him that question, wait it out

[Clockwork]

I really want to ask my mm to pick between me and his wife. We've been seeing each other for 4 months (he did go back to her at one point).

Is that too soon to give him an ultimatum?

 

Yes.

 

 

For starters you are answering your own question right there. You are asking him to pick you, a woman he is probably secretly hiding with, or the woman he openly and publicly married. You need a clue. You are the "other" woman and at best can be labelled a home wrecker. Get away from this guy. You don't want to be "that" woman do you?

[cocorico]

 

I don't think for a second, a marriage that starts from an affair is going to last. So, you going to now trust someone who was lying to his ex wife?

 

No, I'm trusting someone who has proved themselves completely trustworthy to me for a dozen years. A person whose integrity has been beyond reproach his entire life apart from one out-of-character "lapse" which involved delaying informing his xBW he was in love with another and would be leaving her. Spotless record aside from that; that happened within a particular configuration of circumstances; he has been through IC and addressed why it happened. I have no concerns about trust.

 

Sure, he could fall in love with someone else. So could I, or almost anyone. The future is unknowable and I'm not losing sleep over that any more than worrying whether a meteor might strike.

 

 

But hey, it seems to work for Brad and Angelina..

 

And many many others, including us :love:

[sandylee1]

Because I would feel bad for her, I guess. Although it doesn't matter and I shouldn't even think about them.

 

 

Last time I saw him, he said to me that he needs to "become a better liar". It affected me a lot because here I was thinking I was in love with him, and I wanted to make him a better man, not worse.

 

However, I don't really know if he ever was the kind of person I thought he was, and I probably am not the kind of person he thinks I am since there is no truth in something that starts with a lie.

 

Cheating turns you into a liar. You have to come up with good excuses for your absence and say it likes it's the truth. Cheaters get to become skilled liars.....over months and years many never slip up with the art of deception.

 

It they can do this with no guilt or stress. ....how can you not think this applies to other parts of their lives.

 

Long term cheating takes a certain type of person. Would you ever trust this kind of person?

[Lady Hamilton]

It's not a life sentence. If you want a divorce, go ahead. Just make sure you start dating new people AFTER your divorce not during it.

 

Life happens and nobody is perfect. When you spend sometimes years being unhappy and you see a chance at happiness, it's easy to leap and grab that happiness as opposed to inviting more misery on yourself first, then going for it.

 

I don't think for a second, a marriage that starts from an affair is going to last. So, you going to now trust someone who was lying to his ex wife?

 

Sure. Because I'm not his ex wife. He likes, loves, and respects me. Her? Not so much.

 

But hey, it seems to work for Brad and Angelina..

 

And thousands of other people. You'd be surprised how many people started as affairs and you have no idea.

[Arieswoman]

But hey, it seems to work for Brad and Angelina..

 

Not according to this...

 

Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie?s Marriage Problems ? Living Separate Lives - Hollywood Life