eliza89 Posted April 16, 2016 Posted April 16, 2016 I really want to ask my mm to pick between me and his wife. We've been seeing each other for 4 months (he did go back to her at one point). Is that too soon to give him an ultimatum?
georgia girl Posted April 16, 2016 Posted April 16, 2016 I would argue that it's already too late. Relationships are not a three-way sport. He may be your first choice but you are either a narrow first or a narrow second. Don't allow yourself to be an option. If he is single and can offer you what you can offer him, you have the makings of a deal. If he isn't, it's too late. 14
loveisanaction Posted April 16, 2016 Posted April 16, 2016 (edited) My advice. Don't get involved with a married man, he doesn't belong to you, he legally belongs to another woman. Find yourself a single and available man. Go and read the BS stories on here and see the devastating pain they go through when they find out that their husband has been cheating. See how many years later some of them are still in agony because their husband picked up and left them and their children for the affair partner. No woman should ever cause another woman that kind of pain. Edited April 16, 2016 by loveisanaction 14
AlwaysGrowing Posted April 16, 2016 Posted April 16, 2016 I don't understand "he went back to her at one point". Is he still with his wife? If not then what exactly is your ultimatum specifically about? 5
ShatteredLady Posted April 16, 2016 Posted April 16, 2016 "See how many years later some of them are still in agony because their husband picked up and left them and their children for the affair partner." .....or (FAR more common) 'how much agony they're in, even years later, once their H comes groveling back after another d-day!'. I understand that emotions are involved. Tell him it's you & only you or you're gone AND mean it!! Never be a cheating mans bit on the side. It will hurt you so very much & change you deep inside. 5
Author eliza89 Posted April 16, 2016 Author Posted April 16, 2016 I don't understand "he went back to her at one point". Is he still with his wife? If not then what exactly is your ultimatum specifically about? He left her for me but he went back to her but we continued to see each other so he is still with his wife. I want him to now chose between us.
imperfectangel Posted April 16, 2016 Posted April 16, 2016 I know it hurts OP but he has chosen, he went back. Cut all ties and move on. I know it hurts and it's hard but he has shown you with actions where he wants to be 12
Cloudcuckoo Posted April 16, 2016 Posted April 16, 2016 He left her for me but he went back to her but we continued to see each other so he is still with his wife. I want him to now chose between us. So tell him. Give him the ultimatum and see how that goes. Just be aware that if he chooses you, your old job as the other woman is open to applicants.... 8
Dancewithme Posted April 16, 2016 Posted April 16, 2016 I know it hurts OP but he has chosen, he went back. Cut all ties and move on. I know it hurts and it's hard but he has shown you with actions where he wants to be True That! OP, actions speak louder than words. He's shown you exactly what you are to him, his bit on the side. Not his #1. Please want more for yourself. You shouldn't have to issue an ultimatum to anyone to force them to choose you. You are not a menu item at McDonald's. If he's back with his wife, that's all you need to know. Choice made. The only choice left is yours. Are you willing to be a side item, extracurricular crumb depository, or not. If not, sounds like it's time to move on.. These are your choices, based on MM's actions. 9
Girlfromcali Posted April 16, 2016 Posted April 16, 2016 Why would you want a man that would abandon his wife for you? I know this sounds judgmental, but I am genuinely curious about this. That kind of man sounds very weak and not someone I could ever trust. I just in general do not understand women who would ask a man to choose her over his wife. Moreover, even if he did choose you, somewhere along the way he may start feeling resentment over the fact that you pressured him to leave his family. Would you really want that? Again, I am not being judgmental because I have not basis on throwing any judgments on anyone else. 8
Satu Posted April 16, 2016 Posted April 16, 2016 He's exactly where he wants to be with the person he wants to be with. No need for an ultimatum. 9
ShatteredLady Posted April 16, 2016 Posted April 16, 2016 Having an A is one thing. D-day is the worst agony you can imagine for a blindsided bs. Read some if the infidelity forum posts. Many bs end-up physically a mess, on medications, PTSD, destroyed esteem, dreams, lives. It's horrific! It takes a particularly cruel person with zero empathy to watch ANY human being go through that AND continue the A with the OW! The lies he must be telling to get his W to take him back!! Do you really want a man like this in your life? 13
elaine567 Posted April 16, 2016 Posted April 16, 2016 He left her for me but he went back to her but we continued to see each other so he is still with his wife. I want him to now chose between us. Are there children involved? How old are you and this MM? 4
Girlfromcali Posted April 16, 2016 Posted April 16, 2016 Having an A is one thing. D-day is the worst agony you can imagine for a blindsided bs. Read some if the infidelity forum posts. Many bs end-up physically a mess, on medications, PTSD, destroyed esteem, dreams, lives. It's horrific! It takes a particularly cruel person with zero empathy to watch ANY human being go through that AND continue the A with the OW! The lies he must be telling to get his W to take him back!! Do you really want a man like this in your life? Agreed. I would never had asked my AP to leave his wife, and even if he had said he would, I would not let anyone do that for my sake. How do I know I'm better than his wife? Or if his wife is so bad, then why is he staying with her? Long enough to find someone better? Well, in that case you will also be temporary until he finds someone better. In general, I would never let a man talk badly about his wife in the first place. It's like the saying "If you need to choose between me and another person, don't choose me". 2
MrsBilliethekid Posted April 16, 2016 Posted April 16, 2016 Having an A is one thing. D-day is the worst agony you can imagine for a blindsided bs. Read some if the infidelity forum posts. Many bs end-up physically a mess, on medications, PTSD, destroyed esteem, dreams, lives. It's horrific! It takes a particularly cruel person with zero empathy to watch ANY human being go through that AND continue the A with the OW! The lies he must be telling to get his W to take him back!! Do you really want a man like this in your life? To be fair that only applies if the BS knows about the affair. Does she? If you've only been having an affair 4 months and he's already left AND went back that would suggest an erratic immature man who doesn't know what he wants and probably goes with what seems the right thing to do at the time. Did he make any preparations to leave? Where did he go? Have you made plans? This is a huge life changing decision and shouldn't be made lightly. 1
elaine567 Posted April 16, 2016 Posted April 16, 2016 Ok, read your other thread. This is all a bit of a mess. YOU - OH, MM1, MM2 and some other bloke on whatsapp... He(MM2) had a wife, you, and some other woman... He has gone back home for his kids and for financial reasons. Please leave him be, for his kids' sakes if nothing else. Sort out your own issues and learn to be truly single for a while, it will do you the world of good and help you choose more suitable partners. Partners who will love you and want to take care of you. Stop messing up other people's lives and investigate why you apparently need to be doing so much cheating... 11
Author eliza89 Posted April 16, 2016 Author Posted April 16, 2016 I'm 26 and he's 34. He's got 3 kids and I have got 2. It is all a bit of a mess. I didn't realise I would fall for him I just thought it would be a bit of fun. But we have both said we can't walk away from each other. 1
MrsBilliethekid Posted April 16, 2016 Posted April 16, 2016 I'm 26 and he's 34. He's got 3 kids and I have got 2. It is all a bit of a mess. I didn't realise I would fall for him I just thought it would be a bit of fun. But we have both said we can't walk away from each other. You can walk away but you're choosing not to. You have to make that distinction and own the decision. You need to try and emotionally detach yourself from the situation and look at it from the outside. What advice would you give a friend in the same situation? So now you can either end it and go no contact or carry on, knowing that he may leave and go back several times before the music finally stops. He might be sitting in your seat, more than likely it'll be his wife. Choose pain or choose freedom. 6
ShatteredLady Posted April 16, 2016 Posted April 16, 2016 I've just finished reading your other thread. Can I just confirm... This is MM number 2? The one who wasn't good in bed but better emotionally & then you had a weekend together & realized he could be good in bed so you chose him? He said he would of married you if he met you first & you believed it even though you found out he was cheating on you AND his W (who's just had his baby) with ANOTHER OW? People were AMAZINGLY kind to you last time even though you stated... "I think it's wanting something I can't have. It's like I'm in a competition with their wives and I like to think that they find me more sexually attractive than them.". You're doing this with children!! I think you need to seriously look at yourself. For a start why do you hate wives? Did your H (father of your kids) leave you for OW? Is it mother issues? There are very few serial OW stories here. Most are in love with ONE MM. Dare I say I believe this post is more about you "loosing" to this W? This poor woman who is nursing a new born while her H has at least TWO OW on the go?? Please go back & read this whole story from the start. Pretend you're a stranger. What would you say to yourself? As I've said before "These are real people's lives!". Have you seen a therapist? Do you consider your behavior a little sociopathic? Admitting that out of 100 men you would choose the 1 married one to prove you can get him to cheat on his W is sick in my opinion. You've been treated with kid gloves mostly since joining this site. It hasn't worked! I think it's time to face the hard truths. 13
ShatteredLady Posted April 16, 2016 Posted April 16, 2016 You never answered me last time. It does make a difference! Did he leave his wife or did she throw him out because she found out about his cheating with various OW? 3
Marc878 Posted April 16, 2016 Posted April 16, 2016 He left her for me but he went back to her but we continued to see each other so he is still with his wife. I want him to now chose between us. He already gave you his answer. At least his actions did. You like so many others are wasting your time on this. 2
whichwayisup Posted April 16, 2016 Posted April 16, 2016 I really want to ask my mm to pick between me and his wife. We've been seeing each other for 4 months (he did go back to her at one point). Is that too soon to give him an ultimatum? Yes. And ultimatums usually don't go the way you hope they do. How many years has he been married? You've only been having an A with him for four months, I doubt very much he's just going to up and divorce his wife, leave everything behind and start a new life with you. Especially if they have children. If you want to tell him that you want more than an affair and he has to decide soon what he wants, otherwise you're going to end things and find a man who can offer you more than what he's offering you, then do so. Again, it may not go the way you want it to. 2
BuddyX Posted April 17, 2016 Posted April 17, 2016 Story after story. Woman wants to have fun. Has sex with MM. Just a hook up. FWBenefits. Surprise surprise, woman falls for MM. Here's the breakdown; most women don't handle promiscuous sex well. They think they can have no strings attached sex "like a man," but they inevitably end up getting emotionally attached. He gave you an answer. Time to walk away. Theyre kids involved 3
AlwaysGrowing Posted April 17, 2016 Posted April 17, 2016 He left her for me but he went back to her but we continued to see each other so he is still with his wife. I want him to now chose between us. I went and read your other thread. He went back in January.....and you continued the affair. What do think has changed for him to want this affair full time? Seems like he tried it on full time and it didn't fit. If I am not mistaken...he only left for a short time as well. I actually think you should give him an ultimatum....I think you need to hear it from him. Most would have heard him through his actions. I see that I posted on that thread and advised you to get into IC, as your issues could not be dealt with by using a forum. I stand by what my initial feelings were. For some folks....they use forums to get approval...even if only one person backs them up. That is the voice they listen to.....because it agrees with them. Start googling therapists. 6
basil67 Posted April 17, 2016 Posted April 17, 2016 I'm 26 and he's 34. He's got 3 kids and I have got 2. It is all a bit of a mess. I didn't realise I would fall for him I just thought it would be a bit of fun. But we have both said we can't walk away from each other. You realise if you give him an ultimatum and he chooses his wife then you WILL have to walk away from him? 4
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