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Can I trust her?

rnfydwnd

By rnfydwnd
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jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

Posted
Posted
So, let's see...

 

He shagged her, and then rejected her. You were her "comfort" (the opposite of attraction by the way) shoulder to cry on. After you asked her to be your girlfriend (why?), she said 'I'll think about it' (lol), all whilst still trying to win him over with gifts and other stuff. She didn't want to display your relationship publicly. She used the term 'friend' with you (which is disrespect). She then went out with him again - he got the goods (took what he wanted), and rejected her afterwards again. After this she finally settles on you (beta comfort), but still keeps the option of branch swinging to him (alpha tingles).

 

It's very simple: he's her alpha, and you're her beta. He can have her anytime he likes. What you do next with that information is up to you.

 

Never get with a girl who treats you as a second fiddle... how embarrassing and insulting to have a girl use you as an emotional tampon. You take her out for a nice dinner, a movie... you bring her home only to get a hug and kiss... you're driving away thinking how she's the girl of your dreams... and she's already going to see the other guy to get her guts stuffed by him.

 

How charming.

 

What is this, chapters 1 and 2 of the Expert's Field Guide to Staying Single for the Rest of Your Life? :p

 

Step 1 - be suspicious of all women at all times.

Step 2 - always assume the worst, even if it means being a paranoid schizophrenic.

Step 3 - convince yourself you're a 'beta.'

Step 4 - be single.

  • Like 2
truth_seeker Established Member

truth_seeker

Posted
Posted
What is this, chapters 1 and 2 of the Expert's Field Guide to Staying Single for the Rest of Your Life? :p

 

Step 1 - be suspicious of all women at all times.

Step 2 - always assume the worst, even if it means being a paranoid schizophrenic.

Step 3 - convince yourself you're a 'beta.'

Step 4 - be single.

 

I was responding to Jabron's post.

 

It is more than likely today that everyone is dating someone but not exclusively. It is fair to say if you're on a date with someone, that person could have a bang buddy or be dating someone else. It's not paranoia - it's fact. Many people out there living double lives, playing shady games... it's a sad reality.

  • Like 1
TheFinalWord Established Member

TheFinalWord

Posted
Posted (edited)
We are both actively preparing for marriage. She applied for phd positions in my country just because of me.

 

Talking about crush. I think I am justified to feel this way. The story is

I got her number from her friend. We began to talk. Two days later, she told me she just got rejected by a guy on that day. So i tried to comfort her. A week later, we had sex and i asked her to be my girlfriend. She said she needs time to think and need some time to get over the guy properly. I said ok. The agreed time was one month. Later on, she randomly asked me to choose a doll from a list and she said she wants to buy it for someone who helped her at the beginning of the mster's program. Later onI asked her if she has to give him the doll she bought in the end. She said ok she won't give it to him. (Back then, i did not know it was the guy she asked out). Later on she asked me to find a way to buy a book cheaply in this country we are currently studying. And she bought a book. During that time, she somehow avoided public display near university. She said she wasn just ready. Later on I found out, she was still contacting the guy who rejected her. She began to say she is just a friend and she does not have any feelings for him. But somehow she kept insisting on staying as a friend with me. I said, you can be friend with me but without any further contact. And later on I became 100% sure that she still has crush on him and was still trying to impress him to get him while dating with me. So I told her that I just want to stop everything and she came to my place crying. So i felt it may become alright but it did not work out so we didn talk for two days and during that two days she asked him out again and even kissed him on that date and even gave the doll and the book to him (the doll and the book were in fact for him). But got rejected again. Then she chose me. And she was still in contact with him for a few days after we officially began to go out. Then I wanted to just leave her, then finally she stopped talking to him and blocked him everywhere.

 

Your mistake was trying to comfort a woman that was just rejected. You set yourself up to be a rebound, and that is basically what is going on.

 

She needs time to get over this guy, without pressure from you. Agreed upon time of one month. Honestly, that makes no sense. So for 3.999 weeks she can have feelings and on the fourth week, she should be totally over it. Do you see that just commanding she change her emotions isn't going to work? Emotional manipulation isn't going to work, especially if you think you are going to marry this woman.

 

She has made mistakes, but she can't just switch feelings on and off for this other guy. You should have ended it a long time ago, but you keep letting her come back. You're basically and on again off again rebound. Why you two are talking about marrying or moving to other countries is beyond me. I wish you all the best. I would think twice about marriage.

Edited by TheFinalWord
Space Ritual Established Member

Space Ritual

Posted
Posted
We are both actively preparing for marriage. She applied for phd positions in my country just because of me.

 

After only Five Months?

 

Son you may be book smart but you have ZERO street smarts.

 

You 2 are just getting to know each other. This is only the first chink in the armor. At five months I submit you are not even close to discussing a future life together at this point. You 2 are barely beyond smelling each others belches at a meal and already talking marriage?

 

Call me a pessimist , but I'd consider at least another year together before even considering it. Going through a Doctorate program is hard enough without putting such extreme weight in both of your shoulders.

 

 

You need to dial all this marriage talk back a notch. Not because of this crush, but because it would be common sense.

Jabron1 Established Member

Jabron1

Posted
Posted
What is this, chapters 1 and 2 of the Expert's Field Guide to Staying Single for the Rest of Your Life? :p

 

Step 1 - be suspicious of all women at all times.

Step 2 - always assume the worst, even if it means being a paranoid schizophrenic.

Step 3 - convince yourself you're a 'beta.'

Step 4 - be single.

 

You realise that I just got home (slightly drunk lol) and got 2 numbers tonight? And one of these girls just drove me home lol.

 

Yeah, this guy's doing it wrong. And if you think he's doing it right, your'e wrong.

 

I'll refrain from posting farther, because I've had a good night, and am a bit worse for wear.

 

But, there's a reason he's in the position he's in. Learn game, for goodness sake.

truth_seeker Established Member

truth_seeker

Posted
Posted
You realise that I just got home (slightly drunk lol) and got 2 numbers tonight? And one of these girls just drove me home lol.

 

Set up a double-date with both women. I'll be your wingman :D

  • Like 1
truth_seeker Established Member

truth_seeker

Posted
Posted

there's a reason he's in the position he's in. Learn game, for goodness sake.

 

I don't think it's game he needs to learn... he needs to grow a backbone and lose this girl.

Jabron1 Established Member

Jabron1

Posted
Posted
You realise that I just got home (slightly drunk lol) and got 2 numbers tonight? And one of these girls just drove me home lol.

 

Yeah, this guy's doing it wrong. And if you think he's doing it right, your'e wrong.

 

I'll refrain from posting farther, because I've had a good night, and am a bit worse for wear.

 

But, there's a reason he's in the position he's in. Learn game, for goodness sake.

 

By the way, I've been the alpha in the reverse position of the OP. I've contacted the girl, or she's contacted me years later on Myspace (lol) or Facebook. She's ditched her boyfriend for me. This has happened more than once. So, I know exactly what the deal is.

 

OP would be crazy to marry her.

Jabron1 Established Member

Jabron1

Posted
Posted
Set up a double-date with both women. I'll be your wingman :D

 

:laugh:

 

I'm not sure what to do at this moment.

 

I'll wait until I'm sober later on tomorrow, and then decide lol.

 

I don't think it's game he needs to learn... he needs to grow a backbone and lose this girl.

 

Yeah grow a backbone. But, it's like he's a sitting duck, and completely naive.

 

I feel sorry for him. That is not good.

 

Learn game for goodness sake, man!

 

I hold that he would never be in this position otherwise.

Poutrew Established Member

Poutrew

Posted
Posted
By the way, I've been the alpha in the reverse position of the OP. I've contacted the girl, or she's contacted me years later on Myspace (lol) or Facebook. She's ditched her boyfriend for me. This has happened more than once. So, I know exactly what the deal is.

 

OP would be crazy to marry her.

 

I agree with Jabron1 about the OP being crazy to marry this girl, but with a slightly different take. The girl thinks she is in charge of this relationship, and that comfort and familiarity, as the saying goes, breeds contempt. The OP shouldn't be upset by this fact - almost all relationships based on carnal versus spiritual factors lead to this conclusion. In my younger years, when I sensed the relationship had run its course, I would utilize mating psychology to my advantage. I would target an alpha male and 'loose' my gf to him. It only failed once, when the alpha also happened to be a psych professor, and saw what I was doing and chastised me with a smile and a finger wag. That was the only gf I had to loose twice :cool:

  • Like 1
tayriley Established Member

tayriley

Posted
Posted

you seem to have no faith or trust in your gf. do not let your jealous thoughts spin out of control here.

 

the most liberating thing that any jealous partner can understand is that you cannot change what someone else MIGHT do. what you can change is your OWN behavior. be the best boyfriend you can be. if the girl still cheats on you, then that is ON HER. (you don't want to be with someone who has no self control anyway) alternatively, if you act crazy and jealous, and the girl cheats on you...it's kind of your fault for being a bad, untrusting partner...in which case, it's understandable that she'd want to pull away.

 

you cant control her actions, only your own. her actions reflect who she is. if she is the type of person who cheats, then all she did was do you a favor by revealing her true nature. you would get to save your time/energy and move on instead of staying with someone who is dead weight and untrustworthy.

  • Like 2
truth_seeker Established Member

truth_seeker

Posted
Posted

it's like he's a sitting duck.

 

Yes, because he has feelings for her. Once you catch feelings, especially for girl who isn't into you, you're f-cked.

TheFinalWord Established Member

TheFinalWord

Posted
Posted
you seem to have no faith or trust in your gf. do not let your jealous thoughts spin out of control here.

 

the most liberating thing that any jealous partner can understand is that you cannot change what someone else MIGHT do. what you can change is your OWN behavior. be the best boyfriend you can be. if the girl still cheats on you, then that is ON HER. (you don't want to be with someone who has no self control anyway) alternatively, if you act crazy and jealous, and the girl cheats on you...it's kind of your fault for being a bad, untrusting partner...in which case, it's understandable that she'd want to pull away.

 

you cant control her actions, only your own. her actions reflect who she is. if she is the type of person who cheats, then all she did was do you a favor by revealing her true nature. you would get to save your time/energy and move on instead of staying with someone who is dead weight and untrustworthy.

 

Good point.

 

If someone is going to cheat, that is just in their nature. Better to find that out now before marrying them. No way should OP marry this woman. Both have unresolved issues to work out. OP wants to control her and use emotional manipulation. Emotions can't be turned on and like a switch. The girl still has feelings for the other guy. OP would be her second choice, if she had her way. I wouldn't marry someone if I was their second choice.

  • 2 weeks later...
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rnfydwnd Member

rnfydwnd

Posted
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Hi guys, I need some opinions from you guys.

 

I and my girlfriend have been together for about 5 months, doing the same Master's program.

She and I are in different class in this term as we chose different modules.

There is a guy that we both know, but not close at all. My girlfriend and I used to make jokes of him because his voice and gestures are a little bit girly.

She and he somehow are in the same group (group of 3 people in total, 1 girl and 2 guys).

Recently, my girlfriend began to care more about her appearance. She always want to wear earrings and wear make ups. She did not until recently.

And she sometimes talk about the guy, just some random stuffs. not much.

And this morning, I and my girlfriend were having a phone call, and I asked her if he acted girly yesterday as well. And her response was like 'you cannot talk about my group mate like that' I confronted immediately, and she said she meant something like 'he is already so poor, so let's not make jokes of him anymore'

 

I feel as if she may have some emotional attachment to him or something. Am I overreacting? or am I justified to feel this way?

I am really confused.

 

Thank you

PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

Posted
Posted

Yes, maybe she has got some emotional attachment to him. What's wrong with that? I have emotional attachments to all my friends. Don't you?

 

Maybe whilst working with him, she has gotten to know him a bit better, and learned that these comments hurt his feelings.

 

Does this mean she's cheating on you? No! Does it mean she's not cheating on you? No. There's really not enough evidence.

  • Like 1
Larryville Established Member

Larryville

Posted
Posted
Am I overreacting? or am I justified to feel this way?

 

Dictionary:

Overreacting - to react or respond more strongly than is necessary or appropriate.

 

Justified - verb (used with object), justified, justifying. 1. to show (an act, claim, statement, etc.) to be just or right.

 

Overreacting yes

 

Justified NO,

 

Are you big time insecure? Yes

 

You had this thread recently:

 

“My girlfriend saw her last crush on the street yesterday. And she got excited?”

 

Not sure why recycling same type issues, unless you have some deep seeded insecurity issues that you need to address before you get into any relationship. Insecurity is not cool and a major turnoff with MOST women.

  • Like 2
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rnfydwnd Member

rnfydwnd

Posted
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Maybe the problem is in me now. Just feel like she should not have been together from thr beginning after that incidence.

Thanks for opinions guys

  • Like 1
CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

Posted
Posted

There is a guy that we both know, but not close at all. My girlfriend and I used to make jokes of him because his voice and gestures are a little bit girly.

Maybe it is time for both of you to grow up a little and not make fun of people just because they are different than you.

 

Maybe as PegNosePete indicated that now that your GF has gotten to know him, she has grown up a bit and realized how wrong her and your actions against him were and is trying to make up for it.

  • Like 1
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rnfydwnd Member

rnfydwnd

Posted
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But the thing is we never made fun of him in frint of him. We just talked like that sonetimes. She talked sonething bad about the other group mate just last night. And She said that this morning.

  • Like 1
CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

Posted
Posted (edited)
But the thing is we never made fun of him in frint of him. We just talked like that sonetimes.

I think this is a huge learning moment - relationship aside... This sort of behavior breeds contempt for the fellow man in general. It is part of why there is a stream of hatred that exists in our society: People go from feeling free to bad-mouth others in private to doing so in public.

 

She talked sonething bad about the other group mate just last night. And She said that this morning.

Call her on it. Be the person that starts to be the Bigger Man and be kind to your fellow human. You might be surprised how much life becomes easier in general when you don't hold negative thoughts in your head towards others - especially others you don't know well.

Edited by CarrieT
  • Like 3
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rnfydwnd Member

rnfydwnd

Posted
  • Author
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Hmm i have been in long term relationship a few times. And i never felt like this before. I just wemt to her place to stay there and found she even did her nails in the morning. She had another meeting today. Thing is she barely does her nail when she is with me perhaps 1 or 2 times in two months. And another thing is she is preparing for test and so she said she does not have time to come to my place and she does nail before the meeting? I think this is unacceptable. And the first time we met, i was a back pocket guy. She got refused by a guy, maje me wait for a month while trying hard to get him and came to me. It was such a horrible time as well. I think this should be the end. And so mny things ha. Thx for advice

katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

Posted
Posted

TBH, it sounds like she may have a bit of a crush.

 

That doesn't mean she's cheating but if you don't cool your jets about it, she might....

 

If her behavior become more than wanting to look nice and doing her nails, then, then you might have cause for concern.

 

But not now.

 

Chill out.

  • Like 1
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

Perhaps her new grooming regime has more to do with her realization that school is ending & it's time to go out into the real world.

 

While more attention to appearance can be a sign of cheating, it's not a fool proof indicator.

 

You need to express more compassion toward people in general, even behind their backs.

  • Like 2
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rnfydwnd Member

rnfydwnd

Posted
  • Author
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TBH, it sounds like she may have a bit of a crush.

 

That doesn't mean she's cheating but if you don't cool your jets about it, she might....

 

If her behavior become more than wanting to look nice and doing her nails, then, then you might have cause for concern.

 

But not now.

 

Chill out.

Well i just dumped her. I cannot move on with a cheater. Thing is she never does her group work on campus but rather prefer do it home separate. And she met up with the guy two days in a row in campus to do group work. When i discovered she did her nails yesterday morning before the meeting. I asked her to show me her text messages. She would usually just show me the text. And I do the same. But this time she was so offensive about it. And these days, she is increasingly askimg me about the time I go to campus. In addition, she used to reply me even during the class. But now she does not reply even during the break. She said she was so busy in class to reply me. But the truth is I saw her coming onto facebook during the class (She does not use facebook much). Moreover, she used to reply me even when she has to do her group work together with people. But these two days, she did not reply me during the group meeting. And the thing is it seems they have some random chat that has nothing to do with the group work. But did not have time to reply me? Ha All these are signs of cheating. anyway ths for your opinion

Satu Established Member

Satu

Posted
Posted

He's evidently not as comical as you thought he was.

 

Just another human being doing his best like the rest of us.

 

We all live under the same sky.

 

 

Take care.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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