Can I trust her?

April 16, 2016

Hi guys, I(27) and my girlfriend(24) have been togerther for about 4 months now, but dating for nearly 5 and 1/2 months. We are very happy at the moment, but she seems she always lies about little stuffs...Here are some occations....Very long. thank you so much for reading all in advance.

1. She used to have a crush on one of our classmates before she met me, and she kept contacting him while we were dating. She always said he was just a classmate. Obviously I did not believe it. Once she said she wanted to buy a dolphin doll for him because he helped her a lot at the beginning of the Master's program. But obviously, she was just trying to get him. I asked her to be my girlfriend roughly 10 days after we began to know each other (We already had sex, but not a couple yet). But she said she needs time to recover from that guy (She told me earlier that she got refused by the guy), and asked me to wait for one month. And it turned out that she just wanted to try him first, and then if it does not work, then she was gonna choose me.

We always went to class together and sit together. But we always set somewhere near him...meaning that she wanted to make him jealous by using me. I found all those out sometime, and I told her that I don’t want to contact her anymore. She came to my place, begging me not to leave her and she said she finally realized she loves me. I pushed her away for one hour and then finally accepted her again, then we had sex again. She went back home on the same day to prepare for an exam. And she said sorry she can’t be with me.

After the exam, we met up again. She kept trying to touch me, but I was not in mood, and pushed her away. She kept asking me to become just a friend, but still touching me….in the end, we had quarrel and no contact for two days.

Next day, she and he met up. She asked him out and he refused again. And she kissed him. She says he said something like ‘hmm, perhaps we could sometimes meet up and take a walk like this’ after kissing. One day later she contacted me because she thought I blocked her so that I can’t see her text anyway. She recalled the message once she realized the message was sent successfully. In the end, we began to talk to each other again, and began to go out few days later. But it turned out that she still contacted him for few more days while we were couple. And I told her to stop contacting him if she wants to be with me. She stopped talking to him.

Later, she said she had no feelings left for him. And once in a class, roughly a month after we officially became a couple, I noticed that she was looking at him with some excited eyes. I confronted her about it some other day. First, she said she was just looking around, but later on she accepted it and said she just felt uncomfortable with him, so was checking where he was sitting…..some crap excuse she looked at him a multiple times. So basically, I never felt like I was the winner, but always felt like I was just an option.

2. Her eye sights are really bad, especially her right eye. She once told me that she had some problem with her eyes and asked me if I can still accept her with that problem (We were couple back then). She talked about it as if it was a big secret. She said she never told anyone except her best friends in her home country and her parents, and no one since she came here, except for me. 2~3 weeks later, I was using her ipad to take photos of my notes as she asked me to do so (we were preparing for an exam together). I checked whether she has all of the notes, then saw a screenshot…it was about him and her communication some time before. Apparently, she told him about it as well….I had no comment. She should have skipped the part: she never told anyone except for me since she came to this country. So it was a lie.

3. She once confessed that she had a number of sex partners (3) after she broke up with her first boyfriend. She broke up with him 2 and ½ years ago. She said she had sex partners for about one year and then stopped because she felt it was dirty. I said ok. I don’t care if she had sex partners before because it is just past. Yesterday, I was looking for some journals pdf from her external hard drive. Since she and I speak different mother language, I had to click every single folder to find them. And I found some photos…I admit it was my fault to look at those photos…but it turned out that she had sex partners just until before she came to this country (She came here 8 months ago). So she lied again.

4. She had 3 sex partners in total according to her, but who knows. People say double the number for female and halve the number for male. Anyway the point is one of her sex partner was a married guy. And the another one had a girlfriend. She knew and she still had sex with them. Which proves her moral standard. She dated a guy from another country since she came here (but we did not know each other back then). She said she stopped dating him because she felt that all he wants was sex. About two months ago, the guy contacted my girlfriend and tried to ask her out. She told me immediately, she later said she felt sick when he texted her because of his moral standard to say that kind of stuffs to a girl with boyfriend. Double standard?? Once we talked about each one’s country weather. I said it always snows heavily during winter in my country. She said she has seen snow only once in her life, and never made a snowman before. So I said come to my country and make a snowman together. But it turns out that she went for skiing with the guy with girlfriend twice, and even made a huge snowman. I have never seen that huge snowman before. So lie again.

5. She was having sex with me while she was trying hard for another guy…I did not know as I though she no longer contacted him after she got rejected. If I knew, I would not have done it.

Should I continue with her?? I am really confused now...For some of them I can understand. She just loved another guy before she met me, and did not tell me the truth because she did not want to hurt my feelings. She may have lied about her past because she was worried about how I would think of her and etc...but should I trust her?? I am really confused..

Edited May 27, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

April 16, 2016

She didn't tell you the truth about this guy not because she didn't want to hurt you, but because you were her back up. (Which you already know) If he wanted to date her back then, she would be with him now.

April 16, 2016

She didn't tell you the truth about this guy not because she didn't want to hurt you, but because you were her back up. (Which you already know) If he wanted to date her back then, she would be with him now.

Yes, I am very much aware the fact that she treated me as a back up. But the question now is whether I should really trust her after all those. Do you think I should continue with this girl?

April 16, 2016

Your girlfriend is like having a tiger for a pet. Can you trust it? Only as long as you keep it fed. Make one mistake and you will pay for it by becoming lunch. You already know you are the backup plan B. How long before Mr. Plan A waltzes back into her life? When that happens, you will suddenly wind up on the street. She doesn't love you. She only is using you as a bedwarmer, until something better comes along...Should you stay with her? Well, only you can answer that question, but ask yourself this: Are you really content being her pet? Because yeah, from reading your post that is the impression I got...

May 3, 2016

Hi, guys. I just need some opinion from you guys. Thanks for reading in advance

I and my girlfriend are in the same Master's program, and her last crush is in the same program too, but do different module. We have been together for 5 months and right before that she had a crush on him. She first chose him but he rejected and that is why she is with me now. I can see that she genuinely loves me. and we are planning our future together, including marriage

Yesterday, I and my girlfriend were walking back home, and the guy appeared. We saw him and he saw us too. And suddenly right after that my girlfriend began to act a bit weird as if she is really excited. She kept talking to me, but seemed even she did not know what she was talking. I could see that she was excited and her mind was else where. I sighed, and she asked me if it was because of him. I said no. She said she just felt embrassed and it is nothing like she still has feelings towards him.

Does she really have no feelings to him? or still has crush on him? I am really confused. Becasue if I were her, I wouldn't have felt anything and just acted normal. I will appreciate any opinions except for "she is with me now, so nothing to care". And bigger problem is from next week she has same class with him, and I am not in that class. The class is really small with only about 20 people. Should I be worried about it?

May 3, 2016

Most of these threads I read follow a similar narrative.

That being the OP has a gut feeling followed by a question. More than 75% of the time, they are just scared to admit the true answer to themselves.

What I'm saying is, go with your gut. Yes, not meaning to get you all distraught, but I would be worried. You were the second choice in the grand scheme of things. That doesnt mean she doesnt have feelings for you, but as the old adage goes "We want what we cant have." She still clearly has an attraction to him, you saw it right then. So without you in class she will have all the time in the world to day dream and twirl her pencil around her fingers.

Just keep watching her actions. This is the part where you must remember you cannot control someone, as much as you want to. Hopefully she pulls through for your relationship and doesnt slip up.

May 3, 2016

I don't know the answer here but I can tell you that before he moved, my current boyfriend lived on the same street as my previous boyfriend and I felt weird about it too. It made me squirmy and uncomfortable and I'm sure my bf picked up on it when we were there.

Seeing someone who rejected you is embarrassing. It brings back visceral memories of that rejection. Could her reaction have been a negative one rather than a positive one and you just didn't pick up on it bc you were upset that she reacted at all?

May 3, 2016

She obviously has feelings for him, but is that so strange? He was her crush 5 months ago. Ppl don't just 'turn off' feelings instantly, they fade. She probably won't mind him much in another year or two, but for now, yeah, he's in her head. Doesn't really have anything to do w/you most likely.

May 3, 2016

If she had a crush on him before, why wouldn't she still have that? If you had a crush on another woman before, did your crush magically go away because you met someone else? Does it mean that you'd trade your gf in for the old crush?

May 3, 2016

Crushes even during serious relationships are fairly normal, I'd say. As long as the person doesn't act on it, I think it's benign.

I don't think I've gone an entire relationship in my life where I didn't have at least one crush on someone else, and I've never cheated on a girlfriend physically or emotionally.

May 3, 2016

Thanks a lot for opinions guys. I could tell that she still has crush on him..i was just afraid to admit it. Ha..I really don't know how I should act on this issue. I guess I should just watch her actions. Honestly, I am thinking to break up with her if she does anything strange. Like she never dresses up properly when she is with me. It makes sense cuz we almost live together. See each other for the whole day and sleep together at night. Like family. But if she suddenly begins to dress up well, I think I will act on it.

May 9, 2016

If her actions are making you uncomfortable it may be best to talk to her about the situation directly. Open and honest communication will allow you both to share your feelings and you to find some peace in the situation. I am praying that you find the right time and opportunity to bring up the issue.

May 10, 2016

If her actions are making you uncomfortable it may be best to talk to her about the situation directly. Open and honest communication will allow you both to share your feelings and you to find some peace in the situation. I am praying that you find the right time and opportunity to bring up the issue.

Don't talk about it with her. It'll make things worse.

I agree with most, stick to your gut and act accordingly

May 10, 2016

Hi, guys. I just need some opinion from you guys. Thanks for reading in advance

I and my girlfriend are in the same Master's program, and her last crush is in the same program too, but do different module. We have been together for 5 months and right before that she had a crush on him. She first chose him but he rejected and that is why she is with me now. I can see that she genuinely loves me. and we are planning our future together, including marriage
Yesterday, I and my girlfriend were walking back home, and the guy appeared. We saw him and he saw us too. And suddenly right after that my girlfriend began to act a bit weird as if she is really excited. She kept talking to me, but seemed even she did not know what she was talking. I could see that she was excited and her mind was else where. I sighed, and she asked me if it was because of him. I said no. She said she just felt embrassed and it is nothing like she still has feelings towards him.

Does she really have no feelings to him? or still has crush on him? I am really confused. Becasue if I were her, I wouldn't have felt anything and just acted normal. I will appreciate any opinions except for "she is with me now, so nothing to care". And bigger problem is from next week she has same class with him, and I am not in that class. The class is really small with only about 20 people. Should I be worried about it?

At 5 months, I do not think you should be talking about getting married, but that is me.

Most relationships, you do not really get to know someone until the honeymoon stage is over (6-8 months).

In terms of her having a crush, if you both asked her out, she rejected you and chose him and then he rejected her, I can see you feeling insecure. You were a backup. But if she liked him before you two were an item, and all of that occurred prior, you are just being insecure. Bringing it up is going to create an issue where none really exists. She's with you and you said she loves you. If you demand she has eyes only for you at 5 months, you are living in a fantasy land. I know you want her to be head over heels and see no one but you, but most women fall in love slowly. Five months is not enough time for her or you (in my opinion).

May 12, 2016

At 5 months, I do not think you should be talking about getting married, but that is me.

Most relationships, you do not really get to know someone until the honeymoon stage is over (6-8 months).

In terms of her having a crush, if you both asked her out, she rejected you and chose him and then he rejected her, I can see you feeling insecure. You were a backup. But if she liked him before you two were an item, and all of that occurred prior, you are just being insecure. Bringing it up is going to create an issue where none really exists. She's with you and you said she loves you. If you demand she has eyes only for you at 5 months, you are living in a fantasy land. I know you want her to be head over heels and see no one but you, but most women fall in love slowly. Five months is not enough time for her or you (in my opinion).

We are both actively preparing for marriage. She applied for phd positions in my country just because of me.

Talking about crush. I think I am justified to feel this way. The story is

I got her number from her friend. We began to talk. Two days later, she told me she just got rejected by a guy on that day. So i tried to comfort her. A week later, we had sex and i asked her to be my girlfriend. She said she needs time to think and need some time to get over the guy properly. I said ok. The agreed time was one month. Later on, she randomly asked me to choose a doll from a list and she said she wants to buy it for someone who helped her at the beginning of the mster's program. Later onI asked her if she has to give him the doll she bought in the end. She said ok she won't give it to him. (Back then, i did not know it was the guy she asked out). Later on she asked me to find a way to buy a book cheaply in this country we are currently studying. And she bought a book. During that time, she somehow avoided public display near university. She said she wasn just ready. Later on I found out, she was still contacting the guy who rejected her. She began to say she is just a friend and she does not have any feelings for him. But somehow she kept insisting on staying as a friend with me. I said, you can be friend with me but without any further contact. And later on I became 100% sure that she still has crush on him and was still trying to impress him to get him while dating with me. So I told her that I just want to stop everything and she came to my place crying. So i felt it may become alright but it did not work out so we didn talk for two days and during that two days she asked him out again and even kissed him on that date and even gave the doll and the book to him (the doll and the book were in fact for him). But got rejected again. Then she chose me. And she was still in contact with him for a few days after we officially began to go out. Then I wanted to just leave her, then finally she stopped talking to him and blocked him everywhere.

May 12, 2016

Talking to her about it is the wrong move. It will make your distrust in her feelings (even if justified) pull away from you.

As long as a person didnt cheat physically, all you have to do is be the best boyfriend, otherwise theyll think "what if" with other guys too.

"Gut feeling" shows distrust and lack of faith. Even if its right, its perceived as a negative trait.

Edited May 12, 2016 by Alamo657

May 12, 2016

I would like to say this advice is great but i just want to tell u my story.

My ex gf and i were together for a few months ( dating for 6 months). She told me she loved me and was talking about potential marriage and future stuff. Well i know her ex bf broke up with her a year ago.

He messaged her once while we were together saying how is she and work etc, and she had a go at him saying why u care now when u didnt before.

I should have known she had feekings for him still cos why was she angry. But she told me she dont care about him anymore.

Fast forward 2 months later he messaged her saying he met a new girl etc. Now in stead of her saying to him she also met me (her bf) and was happy she cried the whole week and i didnt know about this.

I broke it off with her.

Now tell me u think that was reasonable. I should have followed my gut from the beginning but some women lie to ur face. I felt so insecure the whole time i was with her and i was right. She werenr that into me as she should have been. The signs were all there from the beginning that she was difficult and she used to do things with her exes she would never do with me. Makes me feel like a mug.

My point is please dont get hurt . Be careful

May 13, 2016

Hi, guys. I just need some opinion from you guys. Thanks for reading in advance

I and my girlfriend are in the same Master's program, and her last crush is in the same program too, but do different module. We have been together for 5 months and right before that she had a crush on him. She first chose him but he rejected and that is why she is with me now. I can see that she genuinely loves me. and we are planning our future together, including marriage
Yesterday, I and my girlfriend were walking back home, and the guy appeared. We saw him and he saw us too. And suddenly right after that my girlfriend began to act a bit weird as if she is really excited. She kept talking to me, but seemed even she did not know what she was talking. I could see that she was excited and her mind was else where. I sighed, and she asked me if it was because of him. I said no. She said she just felt embrassed and it is nothing like she still has feelings towards him.

Does she really have no feelings to him? or still has crush on him? I am really confused. Becasue if I were her, I wouldn't have felt anything and just acted normal. I will appreciate any opinions except for "she is with me now, so nothing to care". And bigger problem is from next week she has same class with him, and I am not in that class. The class is really small with only about 20 people. Should I be worried about it?

Seeing someone you know or knew out of context and unexpectedly has an effect on you, regardless of whether you have deeper feelings for the person or not. In fact, seeing someone that you don’t even know well when you don't expect to see him can excite you because it's discombobulating. You might be more excited to see them out of context and unexpectedly than you ever were before when you saw them regularly. I'd assume that it's perfectly innocent.

This happened to my daughter the other day while we were on the phone. She yelled, "Wait! Whoa! Hold on! I just saw Megan from the old neighborhood! WOW! That's Megan! What's she doing here?" I told her she should look her up on FB and find out if she's moved to daughter's area. Daughter said, "oh, well, yeah... maybe." She was just excited by the surprise.

May 13, 2016

She first chose him but he rejected and that is why she is with me now.

So you are ok with it? and why do you have a problem now?

Maybe shouldn't have been someone's second choice at the very beginning?

May 13, 2016

Most of these threads I read follow a similar narrative.

That being the OP has a gut feeling followed by a question. More than 75% of the time, they are just scared to admit the true answer to themselves.

What I'm saying is, go with your gut. Yes, not meaning to get you all distraught, but I would be worried. You were the second choice in the grand scheme of things. That doesnt mean she doesnt have feelings for you, but as the old adage goes "We want what we cant have." She still clearly has an attraction to him, you saw it right then. So without you in class she will have all the time in the world to day dream and twirl her pencil around her fingers.

Just keep watching her actions. This is the part where you must remember you cannot control someone, as much as you want to. Hopefully she pulls through for your relationship and doesnt slip up.

Truth34, I think we're cousins?

This sucks. You're with a girl you really like and she is feeling another guy more than you. Me, personally... I would end it. Why be with someone who isn't into you and is privately lusting for another man?

May 13, 2016

Truth34, I think we're cousins?

This sucks. You're with a girl you really like and she is feeling another guy more than you. Me, personally... I would end it. Why be with someone who isn't into you and is privately lusting for another man?

It's not even privately. It's publicly.

Sounds like she has thrown herself at him many times (and likely slept with him) but he's not that interested.

It's ridiculous that she's doing all this and talking about marriage with the op

Sorry, but I wouldn't tolerate that BS. Let her go. She's not that into you.

May 13, 2016

It's not even privately. It's publicly.
Sounds like she has thrown herself at him many times (and likely slept with him) but he's not that interested.

It's ridiculous that she's doing all this and talking about marriage with the op

Sorry, but I wouldn't tolerate that BS. Let her go. She's not that into you.

This is even worse. Give this dame her walking papers...

May 13, 2016

We are both actively preparing for marriage. She applied for phd positions in my country just because of me.

Talking about crush. I think I am justified to feel this way. The story is
I got her number from her friend. We began to talk. Two days later, she told me she just got rejected by a guy on that day. So i tried to comfort her. A week later, we had sex and i asked her to be my girlfriend. She said she needs time to think and need some time to get over the guy properly. I said ok. The agreed time was one month. Later on, she randomly asked me to choose a doll from a list and she said she wants to buy it for someone who helped her at the beginning of the mster's program. Later onI asked her if she has to give him the doll she bought in the end. She said ok she won't give it to him. (Back then, i did not know it was the guy she asked out). Later on she asked me to find a way to buy a book cheaply in this country we are currently studying. And she bought a book. During that time, she somehow avoided public display near university. She said she wasn just ready. Later on I found out, she was still contacting the guy who rejected her. She began to say she is just a friend and she does not have any feelings for him. But somehow she kept insisting on staying as a friend with me. I said, you can be friend with me but without any further contact. And later on I became 100% sure that she still has crush on him and was still trying to impress him to get him while dating with me. So I told her that I just want to stop everything and she came to my place crying. So i felt it may become alright but it did not work out so we didn talk for two days and during that two days she asked him out again and even kissed him on that date and even gave the doll and the book to him (the doll and the book were in fact for him). But got rejected again. Then she chose me. And she was still in contact with him for a few days after we officially began to go out. Then I wanted to just leave her, then finally she stopped talking to him and blocked him everywhere.

So, let's see...

He shagged her, and then rejected her. You were her "comfort" (the opposite of attraction by the way) shoulder to cry on. After you asked her to be your girlfriend (why?), she said 'I'll think about it' (lol), all whilst still trying to win him over with gifts and other stuff. She didn't want to display your relationship publicly. She used the term 'friend' with you (which is disrespect). She then went out with him again - he got the goods (took what he wanted), and rejected her afterwards again. After this she finally settles on you (beta comfort), but still keeps the option of branch swinging to him (alpha tingles).

It's very simple: he's her alpha, and you're her beta. He can have her anytime he likes. What you do next with that information is up to you.

Edited May 13, 2016 by Jabron1

May 13, 2016

I would like to say this advice is great but i just want to tell u my story.

My ex gf and i were together for a few months ( dating for 6 months). She told me she loved me and was talking about potential marriage and future stuff. Well i know her ex bf broke up with her a year ago.
He messaged her once while we were together saying how is she and work etc, and she had a go at him saying why u care now when u didnt before.

I should have known she had feekings for him still cos why was she angry. But she told me she dont care about him anymore.
Fast forward 2 months later he messaged her saying he met a new girl etc. Now in stead of her saying to him she also met me (her bf) and was happy she cried the whole week and i didnt know about this.
I broke it off with her.

Now tell me u think that was reasonable. I should have followed my gut from the beginning but some women lie to ur face. I felt so insecure the whole time i was with her and i was right. She werenr that into me as she should have been. The signs were all there from the beginning that she was difficult and she used to do things with her exes she would never do with me. Makes me feel like a mug.

My point is please dont get hurt . Be careful

I agree that the gut feeling is alwasy right. What i meant to say is that confronting will always make things worse.

So it all comes down in how much you trust the relationship going forward is you bypass the gut feeling and make her feel safe with you.

It's not a sure win, it's that or ending it right away.

May 13, 2016

So, let's see...

He shagged her, and then rejected her. You were her "comfort" (the opposite of attraction by the way) shoulder to cry on. After you asked her to be your girlfriend (why?), she said 'I'll think about it' (lol), all whilst still trying to win him over with gifts and other stuff. She didn't want to display your relationship publicly. She used the term 'friend' with you (which is disrespect). She then went out with him again - he got the goods (took what he wanted), and rejected her afterwards again. After this she finally settles on you (beta comfort), but still keeps the option of branch swinging to him (alpha tingles).

It's very simple: he's her alpha, and you're her beta. He can have her anytime he likes. What you do next with that information is up to you.

Never get with a girl who treats you as a second fiddle... how embarrassing and insulting to have a girl use you as an emotional tampon. You take her out for a nice dinner, a movie... you bring her home only to get a hug and kiss... you're driving away thinking how she's the girl of your dreams... and she's already going to see the other guy to get her guts stuffed by him.

How charming.

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