How do I move on without closure?

[fitgirl52]

I have been in an off/on relationship with my ex-boyfriend for 5.5 years. We started dating when we were both 19 years old. He was fresh out basic training in the military and I just started my second year in college.

 

After so many years of arguing, affairs, and lies, we broke it off finally. It was an unhealthy relationship where we were both extremely jealous and possessive. I would like to believe that it came from all the lies and affairs that we each had and told leading to our insecurities and not being able to resolve them in a great fashion.

 

The last stretch of our relationship was probably the most damaging throughout these few years. He broke up with me, told me he didn’t want a relationship, didn’t want to be with anyone, not involve with anyone and wasn’t interested in sleeping with someone else. He was lost in life and wanted to find himself. He wanted to travel alone and wanted to find some answers he wasn’t able to understand. I was hurt, but I understood and didn’t want to hold him back.

 

He has always been the one to put in 60% and I at 40% into our relationship. He has always been the one to chase me and try to get us back together regardless that I’ve been the one to break us up every single time. Though he has his great treats, the bad never outweighed the good. He was never able to stay loyal as he would always message women he was previously involve with and lied to me about them.

 

Even after our break-up, he would message me and tells me how much he’s missed me, etc. I was so hurt. I didn’t want to keep in contact.

 

A couple of weeks later, through social media, I find that he was being physical with another woman in public. They were kissing and displaying PDA. I was devastated. I confronted him and he denied that he was involve with someone else. He denied that he was seeing anyone. He left for Europe and She was there for a Study Abroad program. They spent time together. When I knew this, I confronted him again. Yet again, he told me he was not involved with her.

 

There was so much I just needed to understand, but he was withholding those info from me. I was pretty messed up for months. I was broken and depressed. I couldn’t function. Every waking moment was so painful. I cried every single night and drank myself to sleep for 2 weeks straight. I begged him to tell me, whether he has moved on, or even just knowing that he DID in fact slept with her. But time and time again, he denied it. I was left with all these “Why’s” and heartache for months. I couldn’t get over the relationship because there was no closure.

 

Just a month ago, we finally had a conversation. Without arguing, accusations, anger, hate, just flat out talking. He told me he did sleep with her. He chose to go to Europe because it would be easy to explore as someone already knows the area. He didn’t love her. But was attracted to her. And after all that, he realizes that he valued our relationship and wanted to try again. He has asked me to work it out and admit that he has been a fool. I told him I wasn’t ready. I have forgiven him, but the pain has not diluted. I can barely have a real conversation with him. Even though he’s told me everything I needed to know. I still feel like there isn’t any closure. He still keeps in contact with this woman. She doesn’t know that he’s been trying to get back with me. They see each other every couple of months. She lives about 3-5 hours from our hometown.

 

I guess my question is, how do you move on from an on/off relationship? The whole on/off aspect of it makes this whole thing feels like there MIGHT be a chance for us to really be serious. We’ve been through so much together. All the mistakes we’ve made, was so ridiculous. We were so young. When we got together, it was the beginning of adulthood. There was so much to explore, so much curiosity and so much we wanted to know. Now, that we’ve matured a bit, I feel like it might be different. But is this just part of the off/on relationship style? I’m so confused. I’m 26 years old now and I don’t have time to waste any more time on a relationship that isn’t going to go anywhere. However, I’m also ready to put all this behind me, but it has been so difficult. Knowing that he is still interested gives me hope that we can work it out. Yet, at the same time, if he is still keeping in contact with that woman, it makes me feel uncertain of what he really wants for us.

 

I get anxiety just thinking about him being with her. I know if i don’t make a move soon, we will only have more problems to fix if we get back together. And not knowing what to do has put so much anxiety in my daily life. How should I move forward with my life?

[gimlynick]

I've learned that a very big part of a relation is based on trust.

You 2 don't have this in eachother. This means that if you get back together things will not work out... Again.

 

I have a very good friend who was in same situation.

He started dating the girl at age 16, now they are 24, splitted up at least 5 times ( once even more then a year ), but finally they came together again and 2 years later they bought a house together.

Now, my friend starts regretting this. He wants to be single again to enjoy life.

His girlfriend doesn't know this yet. But look, one day things will be over YET AGAIN for this couple. It was a story of cheating, telling lies to eachother etc

 

I think you just want him for the convenience of having a relation with someone that you once cared about.

 

I should say 'move on'.

Talk to him, make him clear that you two can't move on in life if you stay together and do full NC.

Ignore all his texts, go out with friends, do sports, but just don't give him any attention or false hope.

 

You two aren't made for eachother if you really feel the urge to break up the whole time or if you have the urge to hang out with another person.

 

It's people who come out of this kind of situations who get kids one day, to think that stuff will become healthier if there are kids in the game, but things will just go worse, and the victim will be the child(ren).

 

Good luck with moving on and sticking to strict NC, you can do it!

[ExpatInItaly]

Get rid of him. It's not going to work and you'd be nuts to entertain that option again, knowing how you two aren't good together. It's a toxic and codependent relationship that doesn't make you happy. He hasn't changed at all; do you really want more of the same old drama?

 

The best way to move forward is finally act like exes. This mean no quizzing each other about current flings, no poking around each other's social media, no conversations. You will not be able to move on unless and until you implement No Contact.

[Satu]

Closure comes from within.

 

Never from anywhere else.

 

Closure is acceptance.

 

 

Take care.

[Zahara]

I still feel like there isn’t any closure.

 

There's been closure over and over for you. You just don't want to accept it. You've been on and off for 5.5 years -- the reality is that this relationship has not and will not work. Closure is you accepting that it can never be, accepting that he will never treat you the way you desire and offer you the relationship you deserve. He can't give you closure -- it comes from within -- from your acceptance and decision.

 

He still keeps in contact with this woman. She doesn’t know that he’s been trying to get back with me. They see each other every couple of months. She lives about 3-5 hours from our hometown.

 

And even with this information, and all the mistrust and disloyalty through the years -- you're still seeking for closure? Your need for closure is your excuse to keep holding on.

 

The whole on/off aspect of it makes this whole thing feels like there MIGHT be a chance for us to really be serious. We’ve been through so much together. All the mistakes we’ve made, was so ridiculous. We were so young. When we got together, it was the beginning of adulthood. There was so much to explore, so much curiosity and so much we wanted to know. Now, that we’ve matured a bit, I feel like it might be different. But is this just part of the off/on relationship style?

 

No, the on and off is an indication that it is broken. You have it quite reversed. Matured a bit? He's still exhibiting bad behavior since day 1 and keeping two women in his hold. Regardless of the aspects of on and off because who cares at this point -- it's toxic and damaging to your self-esteem. Time to exit. It's never going to change.

 

Knowing that he is still interested gives me hope that we can work it out. Yet, at the same time, if he is still keeping in contact with that woman, it makes me feel uncertain of what he really wants for us.

 

I hate to be harsh -- he is not interested in you. You're a benefit when he needs a revisit. An easy and accessible fallback plan. Someone that has zero boundaries or expectations of him. A woman he knows will be readily available when he needs her. There is no love here. Love doesn't keep you in limbo for 5.5 years. It doesn't keep you sitting on the sidelines. And love definitely isn't about competing with another woman for attention and interest. At this point you have taught him that you'll accept mistreatment and guess what, there's going to be more because he knows you have no boundaries. You've taught him that it's easy to walk all over you and you'll still take him back. It's just so easy.

 

Your reality is skewed and definitely warped from all this dysfunction.

 

I get anxiety just thinking about him being with her. I know if i don’t make a move soon, we will only have more problems to fix if we get back together. And not knowing what to do has put so much anxiety in my daily life. How should I move forward with my life?

 

There is no fixing. The only fixing here is your self-respect and self-value. You move on by accepting that you deserve more and while it may be painful to move on, it's time to stop wasting your years on someone that has never picked you and made you a priority. That is your closure.

Edited April 16, 2016 by Zahara