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Who says this? And why?

HansonGirl

By HansonGirl
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HansonGirl Established Member

HansonGirl

Posted
Posted

I've been going out with some guys on online dating, and generally it hasn't been bad. I enjoy getting to know people and I am not pressuring myself. I've had a couple instances that were pretty interesting- one guy was talking about me meeting his parents on the second date, another guy just straight up asked me if i wanted to try to be friends with benefits with him (lol), then he kept trying to contact me for months even though i said no. I thought it was pretty ballsy to ask someone that who hadn't even kissed him yet! He was also about 6 years younger than me - i guess younger guys are bold!

 

anyways, here's another interesting one - it's a guy i know actually through a weekly social group I attend

 

He asked me out to dinner and we went out. I thought it was nice. He seemed cool, but I am a very sloooow mover, so I don't rush into anything. I enjoyed the date, and he seemed extremely open and honest. However, the next day he contacts me and says he wants to be just friends and apologizes for being "emotionally unavailable." I know on paper that sounds like, oh he's a good guy and how unusual for someone to be so self-aware (or something) but for some reason i found it odd for him to go out of his way and offer up that he's "emotionally unavailable" when i never even asked. I barely processed the date when he said that just a few hours later. I mean I APPRECIATED being told up front, but i've gone on plenty of dates that didn't go anywhere and i never felt bitter or resentful by the fact that the chosen method was to not call and not ask for a second date.

 

I guess i should add that to add to why i felt like it was strange was that he invited me out already since this has happened and i'm a little confused.

bolase Established Member

bolase

Posted
Posted

He's invited you out since?

 

Yeah, he wants to be friends. Friends with benefits. Guys on dating sites aren't looking for new platonic friends in general. I wouldn't be surprised if you do go out a second time and he makes a move on you.

 

Since you are looking for a relationship, I'd tell him thanks but you're not looking for new friends, you're looking for someone to date, so no thanks.

 

I could be wrong and he really is just being upfront about not feeling it, but as you say, that's a bit unneccesary. Some people are just a bit weird!

  • Like 1
Buddhist Established Member

Buddhist

Posted
Posted

I think he wants you to give him a free pass or something on the idea that you're just not going to anything out of him, emotionally, ever! :laugh:

 

To be honest I find people's lack of social finesse these days means they think it's acceptable to just blatantly put their selfishness out there and expect to have someone accept that. Yeah keep moving bozo......On the upside it does make it easier to filter when they don't even try to cover it up. :rolleyes:

  • Like 2
Emilia Established Member

Emilia

Posted
Posted

I don't know why he did it but I find that inappropriate boundaries and over-sharing early on always lead to trouble.

  • Like 2
lana-banana Established Member

lana-banana

Posted
Posted

He's not oversharing, he's setting your expectations---or perhaps not setting so much as burying them in the ground. He is telling you up front he's not interested in a real relationship with you, but he's willing to hook up every now and then. That's all he has to offer. Either you can take it or leave it. Personally, unless this guy looks like a Greek god and he ejaculates hundred-dollar bills, I would leave it.

  • Like 7
Arieswoman Established Member

Arieswoman

Posted
Posted

HansonGirl,

I spent some time on OLD when I was first divorced.

One thing I leaned was that when they show you who they are believe them.

 

If a guy says he is "unemotionally available" - believe him - and move on.

 

I had guys say to me;

 

I'm not into a serious relationship.

You deserve a better guy than me.

I can't live up to your high ideals.

 

And I still stuck around hoping they would realise what they had with me. Duuuuh. They didn't.:o

 

My advice is - set your standards and stick to them.

 

Good luck x

  • Like 4
soph-walker Established Member

soph-walker

Posted
Posted

Run like the wind.

 

Anyone who states they're emotionally unavailable is not worth dating.

  • Like 3
Zapbasket Established Member

Zapbasket

Posted
Posted

I've learned that pretty much whenever someone says something about relationships or emotions that leaves you going, "Huh???", your best bet is to walk away. Any time I've been in a situation where I'm drawn into trying to "figure him out" has been unrewarding to say the least. A good beginning with a new person is characterized by a feeling that things just make sense. There is consistency to what they say and do in relation to you, and any inconsistency or question you have is quickly absolved in their succeeding gesture(s).

 

Sounds like this guy is telling you he has problems and he wants to be off the hook with any responsibility right off the bat. This is not an auspicious relationship beginning--even if you were just seeking to be "friends." :sick:

 

Next him and forget about him.

  • Like 4
LydiaLong Established Member

LydiaLong

Posted
Posted

I agree with all of the posts. I think I might have been smug and said something like, 'Really? It never occurred to me to be emotionally connected to you."

  • Like 5
Lady2163 Established Member

Lady2163

Posted
Posted

I'm not saying anything new, but he is setting you up, grooming you to expect the very least from him. If you told him in anyway that you are looking for a relationship - a long term relationship he's now told you he isn't and if you continue to see him, he has his limits preset and you are sending him the message you will disregard your expectations.

 

In my 30s I did a lot of OLD dating. Whenever a man would say, early on, often on the first date, "I'm not in a relationship because I'm and azz hole". I always took that as my cue to exclaim, "I'm sure you aren't!"

 

After a few jerks did prove to be telling the truth, I learned to believe them. I don't know if they think it makes them look tough or cool, but I listen now. A couple years ago I had a first date - we had meet socially a few times - so the date was at a restaurant we both liked. He popped off with the fact that he is an azz right after we had ordered. I nodded and made a few seconds of small talk. Then I went and found our waiter and cancelled my order. I went back to the table, picked up my purse and told him I was leaving. Azz turned into a pile of mush and indignation. I said words to this effect:

 

"I make a decent income and I have disposable money. I have a nice house. I have great family and friends. I'm warm and caring. I have a high sex drive and am pretty exuberant in the bedroom. Why on earth would I waste my time or expose my friends and family to a jerk? I definitely appreciate you telling me so soon."

 

And I left. I took a bit of heat from mutual acquaintances, but he took a lot more.

 

I look back at dating in my 30s and realize I just oozed desperation. The men I was dating were not desperate. Assuming you aren't confined by finances or responsibility to a small town and can't move to a more populated area, trust me when I say, there are plenty of men out there for you. Don't waste your time, effort and energy on one that isn't going to give you want you want, need and deserve.

  • Like 3
Arieswoman Established Member

Arieswoman

Posted
Posted

Hey Lady 2163,

I can absolutely see where you're coming from, been there, got the T-shirt...:o

 

In my 30s I did a lot of OLD dating. Whenever a man would say, early on, often on the first date, "I'm not in a relationship because I'm and azz hole". I always took that as my cue to exclaim, "I'm sure you aren't!"

 

I look back at dating in my 30s and realize I just oozed desperation. The men I was dating were not desperate. Assuming you aren't confined by finances or responsibility to a small town and can't move to a more populated area, trust me when I say, there are plenty of men out there for you. Don't waste your time, effort and energy on one that isn't going to give you want you want, need and deserve.

 

Thank goodness I was not alone - You moved on to better things and so did I ...

  • Like 1
Zapbasket Established Member

Zapbasket

Posted
Posted

After a few jerks did prove to be telling the truth, I learned to believe them. I don't know if they think it makes them look tough or cool, but I listen now. A couple years ago I had a first date - we had meet socially a few times - so the date was at a restaurant we both liked. He popped off with the fact that he is an azz right after we had ordered. I nodded and made a few seconds of small talk. Then I went and found our waiter and cancelled my order. I went back to the table, picked up my purse and told him I was leaving. Azz turned into a pile of mush and indignation. I said words to this effect:

 

"I make a decent income and I have disposable money. I have a nice house. I have great family and friends. I'm warm and caring. I have a high sex drive and am pretty exuberant in the bedroom. Why on earth would I waste my time or expose my friends and family to a jerk? I definitely appreciate you telling me so soon."

 

And I left.

 

You are my new hero; that is BADASS!

 

I can't help thinking that if more of us women (and men!) on here responded in this way to these kinds of signals, the traffic on this board would be a tenth of what it currently is!

  • Like 3
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HansonGirl Established Member

HansonGirl

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I'm not saying anything new, but he is setting you up, grooming you to expect the very least from him. If you told him in anyway that you are looking for a relationship - a long term relationship he's now told you he isn't and if you continue to see him, he has his limits preset and you are sending him the message you will disregard your expectations.

 

In my 30s I did a lot of OLD dating. Whenever a man would say, early on, often on the first date, "I'm not in a relationship because I'm and azz hole". I always took that as my cue to exclaim, "I'm sure you aren't!"

 

After a few jerks did prove to be telling the truth, I learned to believe them. I don't know if they think it makes them look tough or cool, but I listen now. A couple years ago I had a first date - we had meet socially a few times - so the date was at a restaurant we both liked. He popped off with the fact that he is an azz right after we had ordered. I nodded and made a few seconds of small talk. Then I went and found our waiter and cancelled my order. I went back to the table, picked up my purse and told him I was leaving. Azz turned into a pile of mush and indignation. I said words to this effect:

 

"I make a decent income and I have disposable money. I have a nice house. I have great family and friends. I'm warm and caring. I have a high sex drive and am pretty exuberant in the bedroom. Why on earth would I waste my time or expose my friends and family to a jerk? I definitely appreciate you telling me so soon."

 

And I left. I took a bit of heat from mutual acquaintances, but he took a lot more.

 

I look back at dating in my 30s and realize I just oozed desperation. The men I was dating were not desperate. Assuming you aren't confined by finances or responsibility to a small town and can't move to a more populated area, trust me when I say, there are plenty of men out there for you. Don't waste your time, effort and energy on one that isn't going to give you want you want, need and deserve.

 

 

Thanks everyone for your answers - i think you are all right - something about it struck me as odd, and i definitely in my YOUNGER DAYS would have probably tried to figure it out (instead now I just come on here). It seemed so contrived - the way he just couldn't wait to tell me that - that it was starting to make me feel depressed because i thought I thought he was so disgusted by me on the date that he just couldn't wait to dump me, but then he contacted me again I realized that wasn't the case. I know there are so many men out there -it's like Baskin Robbins - 31 Flavors, and there's no way I am going out with this nutjob again.

 

But I just wanted to respond to Lady - did the guy literally say "I am an azz" or do you mean his actions told you?

But wow, your speech to him - how badazz - you're my inspiration!

  • Like 1
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HansonGirl Established Member

HansonGirl

Posted
  • Author
Posted

 

Thanks for sharing this - but i think the part about it that sort of amused /confused me was his proclamation of the textbook terminology. I just found that a weird thing for someone to say.

it was like he reads a lot of dating books for women or something - so he just made sure to say the key words that have pretty much become cliche at this point.

  • Author
HansonGirl Established Member

HansonGirl

Posted
  • Author
Posted
You are my new hero; that is BADASS!

 

I can't help thinking that if more of us women (and men!) on here responded in this way to these kinds of signals, the traffic on this board would be a tenth of what it currently is!

 

I was typing the same thing when you posted this! that was super badazz!!!

  • Like 2
  • Author
HansonGirl Established Member

HansonGirl

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I've learned that pretty much whenever someone says something about relationships or emotions that leaves you going, "Huh???", your best bet is to walk away. Any time I've been in a situation where I'm drawn into trying to "figure him out" has been unrewarding to say the least. A good beginning with a new person is characterized by a feeling that things just make sense. There is consistency to what they say and do in relation to you, and any inconsistency or question you have is quickly absolved in their succeeding gesture(s).

 

Sounds like this guy is telling you he has problems and he wants to be off the hook with any responsibility right off the bat. This is not an auspicious relationship beginning--even if you were just seeking to be "friends." :sick:

 

Next him and forget about him.

 

YES! my feelings in words (i'm not very articulate!)

Zapbasket Established Member

Zapbasket

Posted
Posted (edited)
It seemed so contrived - the way he just couldn't wait to tell me that - that it was starting to make me feel depressed because i thought I thought he was so disgusted by me on the date that he just couldn't wait to dump me, but then he contacted me again I realized that wasn't the case. I know there are so many men out there -it's like Baskin Robbins - 31 Flavors, and there's no way I am going out with this nutjob again.

 

It's really funny, in a crazy way; I mean, I can't imagine just announcing, "Hi, I'm a giant tool" and just expecting that the other person will...what? Say, "Oh, just what I was looking for!" Or, "No worries, let's just enjoy the evening and see how it goes!" Or, "Oh, how charming and attractive!" I mean, really, what is someone THINKING who behaves that way? If they really believe something like that is true about themselves, then why not do everything in their power to make it NOT true? Who wants to knowingly be a dick? :sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick:

 

You are right; it's absolutely crazy, and the only appropriate response to something like that is to cut and bail. It's so anti- to any kind of normal social interaction that there's no sense in even trying to figure it out.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language ~T
  • Like 1
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HansonGirl Established Member

HansonGirl

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Who wants to knowingly be a dick? :sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick:

 

You are right; it's absolutely crazy, and the only appropriate response to something like that is to cut and bail. It's so anti- to any kind of normal social interaction that there's no sense in even trying to figure it out.

 

 

i was extra surprised when he contacted again, as if he didn't even say that....i was thinking...uuuum, didn't you DUMP me? because that's how i interpreted it- or at least i interpreted it as the only appropriate response being that it's over.

 

that's when i REALLY knew he was crazy.

Lady2163 Established Member

Lady2163

Posted
Posted (edited)

Okay, so the guy that I left at the restaurant....we had visited a few times at swingers events. I have a friend who is a bartender at a swingers club and sometimes I just go hang out. Sometimes, rarely, I have played.

 

So, the man and I had chatted a dozen or so times maybe. He knew I was hanging out with bartender friend and I was looking for more than a swinging companion, he knew I wanted a relationship.

 

I think he viewed himself a player and a low level toughie, gangster wannabe who just happened to have a job in finance. Feel free to laugh, I did.

 

So, we are both divorced and I think we had asked each other, "why did your marriage end" or something to that effect, it wasn't an in depth probe.

 

His answer as to why his marriage ended? "When you get to know me better, you'll realize I'm an azz hole."

 

Shrug. I decided I didn't want to know him better.

 

I took a bit of heat, but I had told my friend the bartender and a couple of,the more gossipy swingers the whole story (not just that I left him after five minutes). Azz glared at me for a while, but then he went away. I'm probably only at that place a few times a year, anyway.

Edited by Lady2163
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