bathtub-row Posted April 16, 2016 Posted April 16, 2016 Good plan to distance yourself and make him realize that his actions are going to cause him to lose you. Keep us posted! 1
Author Photofinish Posted April 16, 2016 Author Posted April 16, 2016 Ohh I don't know, seems to me he has a plethora of disrespect and not a lack there of. The more I Look at this dynamic, perhaps you can establish little goals for the both of you? Perhaps you can stop making a laundry list of his perceived errors, and He in turn can be more in tune with regarding your time and events. Sorry that was a typo. *lack of respect
joseb Posted April 18, 2016 Posted April 18, 2016 we havent spent more then a day without seeing each other. You say this like it's a good thing! I feel suffocated thinking about it. He is only 20. I think he is probably feeling trapped and acting out in a passive aggressive manner because he doesn't know what else to do. Are you both sure you are really happy and on the same page?
Author Photofinish Posted April 18, 2016 Author Posted April 18, 2016 You say this like it's a good thing! I feel suffocated thinking about it. He is only 20. I think he is probably feeling trapped and acting out in a passive aggressive manner because he doesn't know what else to do. Are you both sure you are really happy and on the same page? Sorry I meant to type *every other day. I think the longest was 3 days we went without seeing each other . If I dont ask to hang out he does. I dont think he feels suffocated. He is usually the ones asking to see me. He has apologized endless times by now and came by yesterday for a verbal apology and promised he won't screw up again. He said he was really scared to lose me. Im really hoping he starts shaping up. It looks like he will but only time will tell. My reaction really shook him up. We have a really happy relationship. The best we have ever had and can literally spend hours together and its never enough. This is the biggest problem we have ever ran into and I honestly think its because he was getting too comfortable. He also did this to his best friend so its not just be. He is trying to patch things up with his best friend as well. He has alot of work to do on that side too... Here's to hoping this stops!
Versacehottie Posted April 18, 2016 Posted April 18, 2016 I agree. I stopped reading the OP at 'pet's birthday.' I went straight to the comments. I agree that some of the OP's complaints and nagging are about insignificant things. It's a bit immature. And he is 20 and you are both in college, I don't think expecting him to do all the stuff you have is reasonable. Like you said OP, he is your best friend. You are in college. Enjoy that part of it and have some fun. Perhaps you are trying to make such a serious and more grown up relationship where it is not the time or the place for one. That said, there is a level of expectation of having your guy be dependable about reasonable things. Here's what you should do to fix that: don't do it for him. You are mothering, nagging and complaining. It has little effect anymore. Either decide you want to break up with him because it's unbearable for you. OR change how you react to get a different result from him. i.e. in your case don't react. Don't make yourself available for him when he flakes. Pull away. I don't think the silent treatment is the best because then you are still engaging yourself in the drama waiting for his reaction to that. If his behavior doesn't change, pretty soon you will have your answer about what you want to do. There's is no way that I would sign myself up to be a nagging, complaining gf. I have to say you can only really change and control your part of it so look at managing that part of it. It could be that you are too rigid and romanticizing small insignificant things as a benchmark of your relationship (mcdonald's toys, dog's bday) so work on that. Try changing your reactions, and be proactive to moving on with plans and having backup things in mind since he's proven himself unreliable ALSO with stuff that is significant. I'm not saying he's right but you can only control yourself. Unfortunately you just may be at an impasse but you owe it to yourself to try to work on your areas and see if it affects the relationship for the better. This is off-topic but I think you should have some friends and more socializing with them so that you are not so dependent or expecting so much from your guy. You need a life beyond just him. Not to mention, if you are going out with your friends he will start to need to pin you down more rather than the other way around. Good luck
Author Photofinish Posted April 18, 2016 Author Posted April 18, 2016 I agree that some of the OP's complaints and nagging are about insignificant things. It's a bit immature. And he is 20 and you are both in college, I don't think expecting him to do all the stuff you have is reasonable. Like you said OP, he is your best friend. You are in college. Enjoy that part of it and have some fun. Perhaps you are trying to make such a serious and more grown up relationship where it is not the time or the place for one. That said, there is a level of expectation of having your guy be dependable about reasonable things. Here's what you should do to fix that: don't do it for him. You are mothering, nagging and complaining. It has little effect anymore. Either decide you want to break up with him because it's unbearable for you. OR change how you react to get a different result from him. i.e. in your case don't react. Don't make yourself available for him when he flakes. Pull away. I don't think the silent treatment is the best because then you are still engaging yourself in the drama waiting for his reaction to that. If his behavior doesn't change, pretty soon you will have your answer about what you want to do. There's is no way that I would sign myself up to be a nagging, complaining gf. I have to say you can only really change and control your part of it so look at managing that part of it. It could be that you are too rigid and romanticizing small insignificant things as a benchmark of your relationship (mcdonald's toys, dog's bday) so work on that. Try changing your reactions, and be proactive to moving on with plans and having backup things in mind since he's proven himself unreliable ALSO with stuff that is significant. I'm not saying he's right but you can only control yourself. Unfortunately you just may be at an impasse but you owe it to yourself to try to work on your areas and see if it affects the relationship for the better. This is off-topic but I think you should have some friends and more socializing with them so that you are not so dependent or expecting so much from your guy. You need a life beyond just him. Not to mention, if you are going out with your friends he will start to need to pin you down more rather than the other way around. Good luck Thanks for your post. I'm not in college however also, Just because my interest are different then yours doesnt make them immature (pet's birthday, collectible toys). I always figure communication is key in a relationship which is why we sat down and talked about it . I dont think im dependent. He sees his friends , I see mine. I am trying to make more friends but we really dont mind each others company. If it was then we wouldnt see each other much
MidwestUSA Posted April 18, 2016 Posted April 18, 2016 Pet's birthday? May 7th. My place. Bring tequila for me, fuzzy mice for the baby. And a catnip cake. With four candles. 3
Versacehottie Posted April 18, 2016 Posted April 18, 2016 Thanks for your post. I'm not in college however also, Just because my interest are different then yours doesnt make them immature (pet's birthday, collectible toys). I always figure communication is key in a relationship which is why we sat down and talked about it . I dont think im dependent. He sees his friends , I see mine. I am trying to make more friends but we really dont mind each others company. If it was then we wouldnt see each other much You're welcome. I think you'd be wise to consider the views of others, if not mine, some of the others--as they may mirror what is going on in your guy's head. It sounds like you are defending things are they are--when you clearly aren't happy with how things are. You are so right about people having different interests and putting varying importance on the interests they do have. I don't mean to put yours down. Only the value and importance you attach to them and expecting your guy to do the same. I'm guessing a possible reason he acted the way he did is that he found these things relatively unimportant but didn't want to argue with you too much in advance about it. Lots of guys do this. Non-confrontational in some ways because they will be able to find a way back in with you anyway. So effectively they do what they want, announce it at the last minute and will deal with the consequences afterward. I think you were right to let the father's day vs pet bday slide--there is no comparison in my mind--maybe he feels similarly. I get that your main gripe is that he tells you at the last minute. If you nag and complain, that is the most effective strategy for him. And if he still gets a compromise of getting to see you and spend time with you on his terms, the consequences are probably ones he is willing to deal with. If you are getting the resolution you want from "talking" about it, then why did you need to make a thread about it? Or maybe it has resolved itself since you first posted. Idk, seems like the original list is one over a period of time, so I'm thinking if you keep doing the same things, so will he. I totally get that he is your favorite person to spend time with, as is usually the case with bf/gf. I'm just saying if you had other things going on, you would be less susceptible to his whims and he would see it as a much more real thing that you would be willing to move on if he keeps messing up. Just a thought.
smackie9 Posted April 18, 2016 Posted April 18, 2016 He's just got a crappy personality. His point of view is to just pacify people by agreeing with them, telling lies, when he really has no intention of following through. This would be a total deal breaker for me. 1
Versacehottie Posted April 18, 2016 Posted April 18, 2016 He's just got a crappy personality. His point of view is to just pacify people by agreeing with them, telling lies, when he really has no intention of following through. This would be a total deal breaker for me. I don't know, he's 20. I think it needs to be kept in perspective. And she is pushing for faux married-type relationship where he does her stupid sh*t willingly (his point of view perhaps). Like she is leading him around. Neither is attractive in this situation. I wouldn't say he has a crappy personality. Maybe she is domineering and he is a typical 20 year old guy who happens to be into her but is finding a limit.
smackie9 Posted April 18, 2016 Posted April 18, 2016 I don't know, he's 20. I think it needs to be kept in perspective. And she is pushing for faux married-type relationship where he does her stupid sh*t willingly (his point of view perhaps). Like she is leading him around. Neither is attractive in this situation. I wouldn't say he has a crappy personality. Maybe she is domineering and he is a typical 20 year old guy who happens to be into her but is finding a limit. This isn't just about her, this is how he treats everyone. He opted to set up a club, and it took a dive because he just didn't bother to fulfill his obligation like he said he would. This has nothing to do with age. All he had to do with her is say "Sorry but I don't feel up to participating in fluffy's Bday party, but in good faith, I will get her a card". The point is, he makes promises and breaks them instead of just being honest. He would just bs he way through it. That's a &*tty thing to do repeatedly. He needs to man up. 1
Versacehottie Posted April 18, 2016 Posted April 18, 2016 This isn't just about her, this is how he treats everyone. He opted to set up a club, and it took a dive because he just didn't bother to fulfill his obligation like he said he would. This has nothing to do with age. All he had to do with her is say "Sorry but I don't feel up to participating in fluffy's Bday party, but in good faith, I will get her a card". The point is, he makes promises and breaks them instead of just being honest. He would just bs he way through it. That's a &*tty thing to do repeatedly. He needs to man up. Yeah point taken. I think i would agree that's the most disturbing part. I don't think he's totally in the wrong though. I absolutely don't think it's that unusual for a 20 year old guy in college especially in the type of relationship they seem to have. Ultimately, I think if she stays when she knows all this and it happens repeatedly, she has no right to complain or vent. She should take it for what it is and stop trying to force things. Realistically 20 year old me feels a bit suffocated by some of the things she was saying are issues. He's not fully mature yet so may not be making the best choices with how he deals with things. It could be a character thing where it never changes OR lack of experience with communication. it can be hard in an unbalanced relationship, which I suspect is one of the elements at play. I don't know if we know enough to say he is a sh*tty person. We are only hearing one side. On those facts alone, I think it's easy enough to say that if she is repeatedly frustrated and nothing is changing, and she wants a mature and serious relationship then break it off with him so she can find one.
Author Photofinish Posted April 19, 2016 Author Posted April 19, 2016 (edited) I'm having trouble finding how I "suffocate" him . I mean he ****s up and I call him out on it because I'm not going to allow myself to be stepped on . He kept ****ing up so I told him I couldnt do it anymore. He promised to change. It's the only problem we ever had. I didnt force him to stay with me or to change, I gave him a choice. How is it wrong that I complain? Why cant we work it out rather then break up on the spot? It's not just a "immature" relationship. He tells me everyday how much he is in love with me and that we are never breaking up. He told his parents that he plans on marrying me when he gets through nursing school. Is it a fact we will get married? No way. Can we break up ? Absolutely but this isnt just a college relationship where we expect to go our separate ways soon . We are very compatible to the point that we sometimes say the same word at the same time and just kind stare at each other like whaaattt. We can literally spend a whole day playing video games and then watching our favorite shows and still not find enough time in the day. Is it the perfect relationship? No but realistically speaking at this point of our lives, it's as perfect as it can be . He took me very seriously when I said I couldnt do it anymore if he kept doing this. If he doesnt change then he doesnt care and we break up. I mean , I dont know what else to say . I saw him yesterday and it was great as usual . He left at late hours . We are planning another road trip soon too. Can I also point out that I dont even bring up marriage but he does all the time? I'm not forcing any form of marriage on him . Edited April 19, 2016 by Photofinish
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