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He is so irresponsible!


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Posted

I'm really upset at my boy friend of a year and 3 months.

 

He has this habit of making plans then canceling last min or not committing to whatever he says he will .

 

Incident #1 :I actually posted about this. It was my pets birthday and he said he would come. I got everything ready and my friends came. He canceled last min because his father wanted to go out for father's day. Fine I gave him a slide. It was father's day

 

Incident #2 : We were going to go to the movies with our friends. The day before he cancels saying his family decided to go on a road trip to a lake. Okay whatever....I'm upset but family time is important.*

 

Incident # 3: Mcdonalds was giving our promotional toys I really wanted. I was working two jobs at the time so I asked him to get me this one toy I really wanted. I mentioned it a dozen time which one I wanted and he said he would get it for me. I kept reminding him and he kept saying he would get it . I didnt get it because I was waiting on him. Eventually the toy was no longer being given out . I confronted him telling him he should've just said no rather then have me waiting . He then goes on to say he brought all of them because he doesnt remember which one I wanted and that his friend is a manger and has the toys for him. The toys started being given out in February .I still never saw them.

 

Incident #4: We are going to a gaming convention next week . I brought both our tickets and he agreed he would take care of the hotel. We decided this back in Jan. I told him I might be unable to go but as of last month I told him to book it . It's one week away. He came today to book it because we needed to use my card. I spent an hr finding a hotel for us. Again, it's up to me .

 

Incident #5 & #6 (The big ones): So last year he decided to take over the gaming club at our college. He committed for about a day and ditched. Never stopped by , neglected his events and even got the room for the club taken away due to lack of activity. Everyone was furious with him ,myself included.*

So the day before yesterday I asked him to go to the thrift store with me as I needed to start working on my cosplay. He said yes. I find out the next day is a club event he says he will help set up. I start complaining to him and asking why he isnt staying for HIS own event. Of course he was expecting me to let it slide as usual but I refused this time and told him I still wanted to go to the thrift store. He canceled on me saying he was going to help his club because I was right . I was furious . Of course I wanted him to stay and help but he made plan and canceled on me AGAIN.*

 

I'm seriously getting sick of it . After every event he sends me this huge apology. I ignored last night's . He then messages me , begging to help him book the hotel because we need to use my card. I caved simply because I didnt want him to **** up the hotel . That's the only reason. I really didnt want to see him. The whole time we didnt talk. I was furious as I looked for a hotel telling him that I have to do his damn job. We booked it . He then says thank you so much and tires to kiss me , I pull away. He then leaves. DIDNT . EVEN. BOTHER. APOLOGIZING . IN PERSON. WTFFFFFFF

I know he is a kid (20. im 23) but he needs to get his act together.*

 

 

He also has a habit of telling me things he "should" or "will" get me but never does! I'm so sick of it I've even mentioned one time after he said he was going to get me something "You mean you're say you're going to get it but never do?" I responded. These things range but clothing or garments to games to random objects . Same applies with these "trips " he says we will take and I have to constantly remind it and push him towards it for him to actually commit to it.*

 

I literally have no idea what to do. I really love him and he always tells me how we plan to spend our lives together . He makes me feel really loved and we take all these cool trips . He is the first and only guy i've ever slept this. I want to make this work out but I dont know how. I'm honestly too angry to talk to him right now and i'm giving him to silent treatment . Childish I know but I'm really upset and I'm trying not to blow up on him right now.He has only apologized to me in person like once. This is more of a rant but feel free to comment on how much of an idiot I am.

Posted

Look, what is it you love about him? He doesn't care enough to be dependable for you. I wouldn't be able to live like that. It's SO disrespectful. I mean, once in awhile for a good excuse, like Father's Day, but he should keep a calendar and not mess up plans like that anyway.

  • Like 3
Posted

The two of you have nothing in common, although I must say that quite a few guys would have little interest in a pet's bd and I couldn't blame anyone for that. All that aside, either end this now, or wait until you completely hate him. Either way, this relationship is doomed.

  • Like 2
  • Author
Posted

He is my best friend and we havent spent more then a day without seeing each other. We can spend whole days together and never be tired of each other. I've never been more compatible with anyone else. This is the problem I am running into now. This hasnt all happened at once but in the time span of a year and a couple of months. I dont want to give up on us because this is literally the only problem we have ever had.

Posted

You might've been compatible at one time but based on what you've written here -- you're not now. Not by a long shot. The problem most likely is that he's changing, growing away from you, wants to spread his wings, and doesn't know how to express that -- so he's being passive aggressive. Both of you started out together too young and didn't give one another a chance to grow as individuals. That's always the problem with couples who get involved at a young age.

  • Like 2
Posted (edited)
He is my best friend and we havent spent more then a day without seeing each other. We can spend whole days together and never be tired of each other. I've never been more compatible with anyone else. This is the problem I am running into now. This hasnt all happened at once but in the time span of a year and a couple of months. I dont want to give up on us because this is literally the only problem we have ever had.

 

I'm sorry this post ^^ seems completely contradictory to your opening post.

 

It's like saying my boyfriend is a cheater but I love him and it's our *only* problem.

 

He is not gonna change.

 

Either learn to accept it or wish him well and walk away.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Poster request ~6
  • Like 4
  • Author
Posted (edited)
You might've been compatible at one time but based on what you've written here -- you're not now. Not by a long shot. The problem most likely is that he's changing, growing away from you, wants to spread his wings, and doesn't know how to express that -- so he's being passive aggressive. Both of you started out together too young and didn't give one another a chance to grow as individuals. That's always the problem with couples who get involved at a young age.

 

The dynamics of our relationships literally have not changed.

 

EDIT: We spoke about it again tonight. He said I'm right and that I deserve better and he will become that better.... We are going to talk tomorrow. Wish me luck I guess.

Edited by Photofinish
  • Like 1
Posted
The dynamics of our relationships literally have not changed.

 

EDIT: We spoke about it again tonight. He said I'm right and that I deserve better and he will become that better.... We are going to talk tomorrow. Wish me luck I guess.

 

I wish you luck. You're gonna need it.

 

You're about to learn a hard lesson about trying to change a person...

Posted
The two of you have nothing in common, although I must say that quite a few guys would have little interest in a pet's bd and I couldn't blame anyone for that. All that aside, either end this now, or wait until you completely hate him. Either way, this relationship is doomed.

 

I agree. I stopped reading the OP at 'pet's birthday.' I went straight to the comments.

  • Like 5
  • Author
Posted
I agree. I stopped reading the OP at 'pet's birthday.' I went straight to the comments.

 

So because I had a little party for pictures of my pet , I'm not worthy of a relationship or to be respected?

 

Oh.

 

I thought it was fine. He even suggested we throw a double party for my dog and his . He even helped me with my dog's birthday cake on another occasion

Posted
So because I had a little party for pictures of my pet , I'm not worthy of a relationship or to be respected?

 

Oh.

 

I thought it was fine. He even suggested we throw a double party for my dog and his . He even helped me with my dog's birthday cake on another occasion

 

Of course you are worthy of a RL.

 

JMO but I think Father's Day might Trump your pet's birthday though. :)

  • Like 3
  • Author
Posted
Of course you are worthy of a RL.

 

JMO but I think Father's Day might Trump your pet's birthday though. :)

 

Yup which is why I let it slide. It would've been nice for him to tell me the day before though.

 

I dont see anything wrong with pet birthdays. Theyre super cute for photos and the pets get yummy snacks.

Posted
Yup which is why I let it slide. It would've been nice for him to tell me the day before though.

 

I dont see anything wrong with pet birthdays. Theyre super cute for photos and the pets get yummy snacks.

 

What type of pet do you have?

 

Dog? Cat?

 

My friend's bf has a goat!

 

Freaks her out! It's like ten feet tall on his hind legs!

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted
What type of pet do you have?

 

Dog? Cat?

 

My friend's bf has a goat!

 

Freaks her out! It's like ten feet tall on his hind legs!

 

 

I have dogs and rats!

 

For the rats Bday I made a little cone "birthday hat" and put it on her for pictures. It was really cute. We all took pictures with her.

 

For my dogs I usually bake a cake and take it to my friend's house (she has 5 dogs) and let them eat and play till they're pooped. Good times . He is old now though . 10 years so I get some soft food and put a candle in it . My poor old man lol

 

That's really cool! I think farm animals are awesome . Living in NYC I only get to see them on trips =/

  • Like 1
Posted
So because I had a little party for pictures of my pet , I'm not worthy of a relationship or to be respected?

 

You are absolutely worth or respect and a relationship.

 

But I just can't take any of your concerns seriously if "he missed my pet's birthday" is the violation that he committed that you lead with.

  • Like 2
  • Author
Posted
You are absolutely worth or respect and a relationship.

 

But I just can't take any of your concerns seriously if "he missed my pet's birthday" is the violation that he committed that you lead with.

 

You misunderstand. I wasnt upset he missed it.

 

I was upset he canceled on me last min , the day of. He should've known he was going out that day and not have made plans ,regardless of what they were

Posted (edited)

Stop doing things for him. Simple. Passive aggressive procrastination is something a lot of guys practice because in the past they've had that behaviour rewarded with the women in their lives picking up the ball for them. It starts with their mother.....:laugh:

 

Until he lives the consequences of his own inaction he will continue to do this. If you find he's cancelling on you last minute, start making plans that don't include him and commit to following through with them yourself. When he feels left out because he doesn't include himself, he will get the idea. That convention? I would have booked my own hotel, left him to stuff up his own and gone anyway. He'll get the idea.

 

People are animals, you have to train them. If you don't do it consciously you'll end up doing it unconsciously by rewarding behaviour that doesn't grow the relationship.

 

I also think the revelation that you have hardly spent a day apart in all this time is possibly pointing to being enmeshed. That's not a good thing btw because it leads to the most comfortably enmeshed person expecting the other person to behave like an extension of themselves. The uncomfortably enmeshed person is gasping for air and engages in sabotaging behaviours especially if they don't feel confident enough to assert their own boundaries. Sound familiar?

 

IME young immature guys are also very likely to engage in relationship sabotaging behaviours when they want out and just don't want to be responsible for the breakup or to be confronted with the tears. Instead they just become incredibly bad boyfriends until the other person ends it. They act all hurt and betrayed but secretly got what they wanted, an end.

Edited by Buddhist
  • Like 7
Posted

there is a saying that holds true:

 

when ppl show you who they are... Believe them.

 

I ask that you wrap your mind around this behavior and believe it. his actions on being consistent for disregard are impeccable!

 

His talk is cheap. his actions have said more.

 

Is this really the best he has to offer? Unreliable?

 

More power to you if this is your compromise ...

 

Curious if he has ever shared some of your shortcomings? Maybe there are two sides to this...

  • Like 2
Posted

He's a 20 year old boy who has to rely on you when he needs to use a credit card.

 

There's really nothing more to say.

  • Like 1
Posted
Yup which is why I let it slide. It would've been nice for him to tell me the day before though.

 

I dont see anything wrong with pet birthdays. Theyre super cute for photos and the pets get yummy snacks.

 

That is the thing, there was nothing to let slide.. it was Father's Day and he took his Dad out, if you had something to do you should have not even asked...

 

Incident #1 has no business even being an Incident, and if it is that is totally on you.

 

If you don't like the way people treat you then set the boundary and create an action if they break the boundary.. it sounds like you need to have a talk with him and if you can't feel like you are being treated right then you need to move on

  • Like 2
Posted
You are absolutely worth or respect and a relationship.

 

But I just can't take any of your concerns seriously if "he missed my pet's birthday" is the violation that he committed that you lead with.

 

 

I think the point is more that the 'kid' has had a father for twenty years, but didn't seem to know when Father's Day was.

 

His violation was committing to her, pet birthday or not, and cancelling last minute.

 

 

Oh, my next party is May 7th, for my middle cat. :). OP, you can be there in spirit.

 

But ditch this kid and let him grow up on someone's else's time.

  • Like 2
Posted
You misunderstand. I wasnt upset he missed it.

 

I was upset he canceled on me last min , the day of. He should've known he was going out that day and not have made plans ,regardless of what they were

 

 

Exactly. It doesn't matter what the event is, he could have agreed that he'd come and help you celebrate your rat's cousin's owner's anniversary of when they started their job. The point is he said he'd come and see you and then pulled out because something he felt was more important came along. Father's Day doesn't just spring up without warning, you can google when Father's Day is for each year for the foreseeable future. If he isn't organised enough to plan something with his dad that doesn't clash with a commitment he made to you, or not man enough to decline a last min invite to something when he already has plans, that to me would drive me mad and leave me with such little respect for someone's maturity I would quickly lose interest.

 

This is who he is, OP. He knows it bothers you hence the apologies. Either he will put some more effort in and fight against his lackadaisical, disrespectful nature or he will continue to act like this. But honestly until he faces some consequences for disrespecting your time I think he'll keep doing it. Next time he blows you off, don't see him for a while, a week or two. It's not exactly game playing, but it's showing him that if he doesn't see being with you as a priority, you will take that on board and treat him the same in return. That's if you want this to work and can be bothered to try and mold a grown man into a respectful partner, I wouldn't bother.

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)

You sound almost exactly like a girlfriend I had when I was a teenager. And I was a lot like your boyfriend. I missed her pet's birthday too :D.

 

Truth is that he's just immature, and probably doesn't understand how much these things mean to you, and isn't taking them seriously.

 

He'll grow up. But you'll probably have to have a lot of patience. He is only 20.

 

[]

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Off topic ~6
  • Like 2
  • Author
Posted
He's a 20 year old boy who has to rely on you when he needs to use a credit card.

 

There's really nothing more to say.

 

He relies on mine because his debit card wont process through and honestly I rather have it under my name as I am over 21.

 

I think the point is more that the 'kid' has had a father for twenty years, but didn't seem to know when Father's Day was.

 

His violation was committing to her, pet birthday or not, and cancelling last minute.

 

 

Oh, my next party is May 7th, for my middle cat. :). OP, you can be there in spirit.

 

But ditch this kid and let him grow up on someone's else's time.

Give your kitty and big hug for me on his/ her birthday! :bunny::bunny:

 

And on the note of the actual issues, yes I was upset he missed it after making plans. Not the actual party

 

Stop doing things for him. Simple. Passive aggressive procrastination is something a lot of guys practice because in the past they've had that behaviour rewarded with the women in their lives picking up the ball for them. It starts with their mother.....:laugh:

 

Until he lives the consequences of his own inaction he will continue to do this. If you find he's cancelling on you last minute, start making plans that don't include him and commit to following through with them yourself. When he feels left out because he doesn't include himself, he will get the idea. That convention? I would have booked my own hotel, left him to stuff up his own and gone anyway. He'll get the idea.

 

People are animals, you have to train them. If you don't do it consciously you'll end up doing it unconsciously by rewarding behaviour that doesn't grow the relationship.

 

I also think the revelation that you have hardly spent a day apart in all this time is possibly pointing to being enmeshed. That's not a good thing btw because it leads to the most comfortably enmeshed person expecting the other person to behave like an extension of themselves. The uncomfortably enmeshed person is gasping for air and engages in sabotaging behaviours especially if they don't feel confident enough to assert their own boundaries. Sound familiar?

 

IME young immature guys are also very likely to engage in relationship sabotaging behaviours when they want out and just don't want to be responsible for the breakup or to be confronted with the tears. Instead they just become incredibly bad boyfriends until the other person ends it. They act all hurt and betrayed but secretly got what they wanted, an end.

 

 

I tried doing this yesterday with the hotel . He took it upon himself to head over with the money and wait for me . I wanted to send him home so badly so he could figure it out but I really didnt want him messing up the hotel reservations . He doesnt want to end it , post to follow.

 

 

 

So I brought it up to him yesterday saying I dont know if I can do it anymore and went off telling him about the lack of disrespect. He became very upset and called me (i missed it by mistake) and said he wanted to talk and to please no break up up with him and that he will change . He said he let his best friend down to a point where he doesnt even consider him a brother anymore and that he hurt up both he went on to say

 

He does it because he knows I will forgive him. That he cant say no and ends up in a mess playing catchup

 

And there is was, what I already knew . I told him I didnt want to see him today because I am still mad and hurt. He does want to talk and promise me he will change and to not give up on him. He then told me he wants nothing but to make me happy and yada yada yada.

 

So my course of action, have the talk with him and see him less. Honestly , I think it's for the best so he can see i'm serious as well as get some away time from him . I gave him a good scare yesterday and showed him I was very serious and he was in danger of loosing me . I guess he is under the impression that I wont leave him because I love him? I dont know.

 

 

Stay tuned -_-

Posted

 

So I brought it up to him yesterday saying I dont know if I can do it anymore and went off telling him about the lack of disrespect.

 

Stay tuned -_-

 

Ohh I don't know, seems to me he has a plethora of disrespect and not a lack there of.

 

The more I Look at this dynamic, perhaps you can establish little goals for the both of you? Perhaps you can stop making a laundry list of his perceived errors, and He in turn can be more in tune with regarding your time and events.

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