Is she cheating on me??

[rainbowsandkittens]

So much of this sounds like my Frenchie. He can understand English pretty perfectly (except colloquialisms) but worries about his spoken and written english. He said being with me, an American, improved his english by leaps and bounds.

 

Is it common in France to use the term 'story' in regards to relationships? Does it just mean 'a relationship'? He used that term too and I was never sure.

 

I truly believe she is telling you the truth. I agree with SL completely on this. I even understand her erasing the messages- she didn't think of them as evidence bc they weren't. They were nothing. I can see her saying, 'this caused so much trouble! I'm going to just get rid of it!' I do think you should just admit you got upset bc of a misunderstanding of a word and apologize and move on from this. If you keep looking for things that 'could' be suspect you run the risk of convincing yourself of something that might not be there and potentially losing a really great long term relationship.

[Will2106]

So much of this sounds like my Frenchie. He can understand English pretty perfectly (except colloquialisms) but worries about his spoken and written english. He said being with me, an American, improved his english by leaps and bounds.

 

Is it common in France to use the term 'story' in regards to relationships? Does it just mean 'a relationship'? He used that term too and I was never sure.

 

I truly believe she is telling you the truth. I agree with SL completely on this. I even understand her erasing the messages- she didn't think of them as evidence bc they weren't. They were nothing. I can see her saying, 'this caused so much trouble! I'm going to just get rid of it!' I do think you should just admit you got upset bc of a misunderstanding of a word and apologize and move on from this. If you keep looking for things that 'could' be suspect you run the risk of convincing yourself of something that might not be there and potentially losing a really great long term relationship.

 

Yes, in France "a story" is a word we use maybe to describe a short relationship...So I made an easy translation! Thank you for telling me that is not correct, and thank you for your "comforting?" answer

[road]

So much of this sounds like my Frenchie. He can understand English pretty perfectly (except colloquialisms) but worries about his spoken and written english. He said being with me, an American, improved his english by leaps and bounds.

 

Is it common in France to use the term 'story' in regards to relationships? Does it just mean 'a relationship'? He used that term too and I was never sure.

 

I truly believe she is telling you the truth. I agree with SL completely on this. I even understand her erasing the messages- she didn't think of them as evidence bc they weren't. They were nothing. I can see her saying, 'this caused so much trouble! I'm going to just get rid of it!' I do think you should just admit you got upset bc of a misunderstanding of a word and apologize and move on from this. If you keep looking for things that 'could' be suspect you run the risk of convincing yourself of something that might not be there and potentially losing a really great long term relationship.

 

 

 

 

Just the opposite. Erasing the messages is classic cheater response to get rid of the evidence. No matter first second third or fourth languages,

 

 

Standard cheating behavior of a WW or a WGF.

[Honourably honest]

OP, I think the Shattered Lady is absolutely spot on. A very clever and experienced poster, she mentioned a 'flash to bang' sequence when you are actually innocent but accused.

You partner is not manipulative when it came to the chair guy, she's got the job done.

It seems like you are listening but not hearing on this matter. Please don't give her an ultimatum on this, it is a cross of boundaries, and it seems that you both have grey boundaries here.

Take her out for a nice meal, set the scene and open up fully. If this horrifies her then I guess it's that time.

Texts to London? That heat to this cold.....don't envy that.

OP, loads at stake here, be nice and put yourself in her position. If she really is flirty, I doubt she has just started and has probably always been so?

[Will2106]

OP, I think the Shattered Lady is absolutely spot on. A very clever and experienced poster, she mentioned a 'flash to bang' sequence when you are actually innocent but accused.

You partner is not manipulative when it came to the chair guy, she's got the job done.

It seems like you are listening but not hearing on this matter. Please don't give her an ultimatum on this, it is a cross of boundaries, and it seems that you both have grey boundaries here.

Take her out for a nice meal, set the scene and open up fully. If this horrifies her then I guess it's that time.

Texts to London? That heat to this cold.....don't envy that.

OP, loads at stake here, be nice and put yourself in her position. If she really is flirty, I doubt she has just started and has probably always been so?

 

What do you mean by "I guess it's that time"? Time to leave her?

 

Actually, I am not even thinking of giving her an ultimatum unless it becomes obvious that she is cheating, so we are back into our usual relationship but we don't talk about that anymore, I am just making some "kind of jokes" about it when an opportunity comes (I know that I have to stop because she may feel harassed or oppressed)

 

I just wanted to be sure that it could be a basic discussion between friends, I think I can accept that yes it is. Now my feelings have to deal with that deleting messages thing and my instinct will probably leads me to the conclusion that we are happy together and there is no reasons of cheating for none of us...I must have 100% confidence to build a long term relationship.

 

What does WW and WGF means? I suppose that GF is for Girl Friend but I have no idea for the W...

[Honourably honest]

Sounds like you are on the mend, that's good news.

WW stands for Wayward Wife (cheat) and Wgf must be Girl Friend, as far as I have worked out.

Good luck, sounds like it was a horrible period, but sorted now. The deleted issue could just be a 'this'll make it stop' moment of madness. We all do it. Don't read too much into it, start looking at restaurants!

[Will2106]

Yes, I am on the mend, but I didn't passed over a 100%...

 

Is that wright that in England you could wish a happy Valentine's day to a friend?

 

She told me that it's not a big deal to give more example, maybe I am paranoid but it makes me feel that she could have wished him Valentine's day and she may be afraid that I ve red it...

[Will2106]

Because in France, maybe you could wish Valentine's day to a friend if you are single and you have ambiguous feelings towards this person, but I will be upset if I had a french girlfriend who does that to a male friend...It's a very specific case, or maybe if I have a female friend who is single, and I know she feels sad on this day and my girlfriends perfectly knows her, it could be perfectly ok to wish her an "happy valentine's day" but only on purpose to cheer her up.

[Lady Hamilton]

Honestly, after reading this whole exchange, I'm not seeing anything that makes me think the woman is cheating, but I am seeing a lot that may make her think she's not being trusted which causes a whole lot of problems.

 

For clarification, I love you "heaps" is a slang term that is used a lot, especially when talking to friends. One doesn't generally tell their spouse/boyfriend that they love the "heaps" unless they're being goofy. And as an iphone user, I can tell you that it's corrected my use of "heaps" to "hips" before, so I can see where the confusion is.

 

I also want to throw out there that you're used to her saying "lots of love" and I couldn't help but wonder, you're used to her writing "lots of love" a lot or writing "LOL" a lot? Because "LOL" is American internet slang for "laughing out loud" and not "lots of love." If you're seeing "LOL" in her posts or texts, she's not saying she loves him, she's laughing at what he said.

 

As for the Valentine's Day question, in the US that's thrown about like one says "have a good day" or "happy birthday." When I worked in retail, I'd tell customers to have a happy Valentine's Day. Looking through my Facebook, I wished my husband, a ton of my female friends, my brother, my father, and several random people a happy Valentine's Day. Usually I meant that I hope they have a good day, or I meant I hope their Valentine's Day with their boyfriend/girlfriend/wife was good, or I was simply being nice.

 

Signing with a "X" can go one of three ways. Either she means "XOXO" which means "hugs and kisses," or she means "X" which means "kisses," or she's ending with an "X" which is basically signing your name. I send emails where I finish with "X" or "XX" to say basically "points made, email over" when it's not an email or text that's formal enough to sign my name. If it's any of the above, including "hugs and kisses," it's no big deal as it's a very casual, not at all intimate expression of friendship/love. Again, I know of no adult who signs off with XOXO to a lover to express deep romantic love. Either they're goofing around or they're being casually friendly with somebody who's more important than a typical friend.

 

I think at this point you're doing more to damage the relationship by crossing into paranoid behavior that implies you don't trust her than her friendship with the friend she's called twice in 3 months is. Since she handed you the phone and it was unlocked, that's a pretty big sign that she's not doing anything she's worried about you seeing. Even deleting the texts post-argument isn't a red flag to me. I've had more than one argument with a boyfriend where I've responded with "Oh, so you think I'm doing X, Y, Z? Fine, I'll never talk to that person again" and wipe the texts or uninstall Facebook/Twitter, etc. She let you look at her phone without you asking, she told you that you could read it during the argument. That's not really the behavior of somebody with something to hide.

Edited April 19, 2016 by Lady Hamilton

[Will2106]

Yes I Know what "love you heaps" means now and to who it's usual to say that. I am sure it was "heaps" and because for me it's very close to "hips" in spoken english, and because I didn't know the meaning of "heaps" I made the confusion. I know the meaning of "LOL" as well, it wasn't that.

 

I don't remember if she wrote to him "lots of love" but I remember that he wrote it to her, I also know that it's very usual on a birthday card or on a post card so that wasn't the point which worried me...Unless you think that is not usual on a text message?

 

I of course know the meaning of the "x" at the end of a text message and we are used to end our messages between us by "xxx" when she usually ends her text messages with other friends with 1 or 2 X, in that case I saw sometimes 4, wich may be not important but I wondered if there was nothing suspect here.

 

Of course I don't want to damage our relationship, I just don't understand why she hasn't clarified the situation as well as you did...Of course I am aware that she did by one way, but it wasn't as clear and then she didn't want to talk about that anymore even if she saw that I was hurt...

 

I had then to check with other English people or people who speak english and now, I feel better, I just wanted to be sure that there is nothing between them and I am lucky that hasn't made big troubles between us, I think she is perfectly aware of the differences in the way we are texting in french and in english so she understood that I could be troubled by this conversation...

[Will2106]

Please someone for my lasts questions and I will classify then that subject?

 

Does more "x" at the end of a text message, like 4 could be a red alert or does that means nothing concrete?

 

And does "lots of love" could be used as well towards a friend ( I clearly thought that yes but you make me feel that maybe not...) ?

 

Thanks to everyone!! I am really close to forget about all of it!

[Jersey born raised]

I too would leave it alone. But I would also take it asban opportunity to begin an honest conversation about the nature of your relationship and where you think it is heading with her.

 

I do not mean you better watch out and don't do these things or else type conversation. But rather "this has caused me to realize how deep our relationship is and what it has become to me and where I think/want it to go". Followed by "can we discuss how I feel and you feel"?

 

Do not bring up this incident. That may come up later if both of you want to take this relationship much further. It falls under the heading of "His Needs - Her Needs" which by the way is a good book.

[loveboid]

Aw I think you're in love with her! If you want her to talk to you more lovey like then I would tell her that.

[ShatteredLady]

I just hit xxxxxx a few times. It means nothing suspicious. I would never xxxxx a lover. Doesn't matter how many xxxxxxxxx.

 

Love you lots, tons of love, love you heaps, all pretty much friends.

 

All my love. More family.

 

Happy valentines. Say that back to people, anyone. Send special "happy valentines" emails to friends & family. No anything slushy just acknowledging the day.

 

I've sent flowers, cards to male friends in the past but that was more of a joke... Get them guessing who sent them. I did that WITH my husband though. It wouldn't be a secret & not a family friend, older person thing. Just young & silly.

 

I've never known English women use those simple little phrases to lovers. If you're reading "Always & forever my love" I'd be getting worried.

[Lady Hamilton]

Yes I Know what "love you heaps" means now and to who it's usual to say that. I am sure it was "heaps" and because for me it's very close to "hips" in spoken english, and because I didn't know the meaning of "heaps" I made the confusion. I know the meaning of "LOL" as well, it wasn't that.

 

I don't remember if she wrote to him "lots of love" but I remember that he wrote it to her, I also know that it's very usual on a birthday card or on a post card so that wasn't the point which worried me...Unless you think that is not usual on a text message?

 

"Lots of love" on a birthday card or post card isn't unusual and I don't think it's unusual in a text either, per say. Some people, that's how they talk and that's how they text. It's not generally a phrase of undying passion.

 

I of course know the meaning of the "x" at the end of a text message and we are used to end our messages between us by "xxx" when she usually ends her text messages with other friends with 1 or 2 X, in that case I saw sometimes 4, wich may be not important but I wondered if there was nothing suspect here.

 

You are doing three things here... Making yourself nuts, making her think you're nuts, and breaking her trust. When you count the number of x's on the tail of a text to try and decipher if that means she's having an affair, you've gone off the reservation a bit.

 

She signs off with other people like that. She does it with him too. It's entirely consistent with how she responds to everybody.

 

Why is it sometimes one and sometimes four? Who knows... Why do I use 3 periods in an ellipsis sometimes and four another? Why do I use one exclamation point and 5 another time? Just because. There's not thought behind it, it's just what I felt like doing.

 

The question you need to ask isn't why she's using 4 sometimes and 2 other times, it's "why am I counting how many "X" she's putting at the end of the text?" That's the real problem here.

 

Of course I don't want to damage our relationship, I just don't understand why she hasn't clarified the situation as well as you did...Of course I am aware that she did by one way, but it wasn't as clear and then she didn't want to talk about that anymore even if she saw that I was hurt...

 

Because she was pissed at you. I don't have a horse in this race so I can talk to you about it. If this was my husband, I'd be saying "F it, F them, F him" and I'd be steaming over how he was treating me.

 

She, however, is asking herself a thousand questions... Why you don't trust her, how long you've been spying on her, she feels violated, she's questioning her whole life right now. Sitting down and have an articulate discussion may not be in the cards right now. She's currently sitting somewhere saying "F it, F them, F him."

 

I had then to check with other English people or people who speak english and now, I feel better, I just wanted to be sure that there is nothing between them and I am lucky that hasn't made big troubles between us, I think she is perfectly aware of the differences in the way we are texting in french and in english so she understood that I could be troubled by this conversation...

 

You know, I think it has made big trouble, but it's not the type that will pop up immediately. Be very careful... Her faith in you is bruised. Now she's going to be quite sensitive to things.

[Lady Hamilton]

Please someone for my lasts questions and I will classify then that subject?

 

Does more "x" at the end of a text message, like 4 could be a red alert or does that means nothing concrete?

 

It means about as much as why I just used two Kleenex to wipe my nose instead of one.

 

And does "lots of love" could be used as well towards a friend ( I clearly thought that yes but you make me feel that maybe not...) ?

 

Today I told a random employee at a bakery that I loved them because they had dairy-free cookies.

 

I wasn't joking.

[Honourably honest]

Will, how did the weekend go? I think, when everybody says pretty much the same thing, that your relationship is just fine, and that this 'nuts' thing is a crazy little thing called love. Enjoy it!

[Will2106]

Thanks a lot!! I am over this now, and I am now focused on "how I could be forgiven?"

 

I think I must say that I trust her, really, but I had difficult time based on a confusion, and because my english is not perfect, and I wasn't used to that way to texting people, I lost my mind...

 

Now I really think that hasn't damaged our relationship, so I just have to take care of her and show her how much she count for me and I think it ll be ok.

 

As an optimistic, I told myself that all of that had to happen once to make me understand that (of course it would have been better just through a conversation...anyway! What is done, is done)

 

You all saved my relationship;)

[Honourably honest]

Will, you saved it yourself! It's easy when you are set aside from the problem, now treat the lady to a nice meal and wait on her hand and foot!