Botched first good date after a breakup, feeling bad

[jliebt]

**Preface: I am 4 months out of a 1yr+ long distance dating situation (I posted about this back when it had just started). "T" is my soulmate but we couldn't make it work. I still love T but I've accepted that it's not to be right now. Thing is, there has been no real closure to our romance. I think we both know deep down there will always be feelings, but we've both "shelved" it for now. We still keep in touch and remain good friends.

 

At the urging of my friends, I've jumped back into dating. Maybe too soon for my own good...because I totally ruined the first great date I've had since I started up (have accepted three 1st dates in the past 4 months)!!

 

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The date: Y and I are mid-20s, met through OLD. He sounded really kind in his texts and we clicked right away, so I agreed to meet. We met for drinks at 6pm after work. It was going well, easy conversation, instant chemistry. At one point I knew Y even wanted to kiss me, but I prefer to take those things slowly and he respected my boundaries.

 

The better it went, the more nervous and jittery I became (and I'm not normally a nervous type!) - I was shocked to feel so good with a guy who wasn't T, so soon after our "breakup", and after two other bad 1st dates.

 

I told him I had to mind the time as I had parked in a garage which shut at 10pm; he said "oh, you still have plenty of time!". We eventually caught the light rail back to the vicinity of the garage.

 

Now, I was exhausted from work and to boot, I stupidly didn't eat while I drank. So despite only having two small drinks, the alcohol hit me way faster than it normally would. We exited the light rail and I suddenly panicked, thinking it was almost 10pm. On top of that, my fuzzy mind was racing because I was thinking "oh my, this guy is actually giving me the butterflies".

 

So in my confused state, I said "I have to go this way", and started striding in the direction of the garage. He seemed confused for a second, then realized I was heading off. With a crestfallen look on his face, he said "it was nice meeting you". I smiled and waved at him, and we parted ways - without hugging (by now, I was standing too far from him).

 

I sprinted to the garage..switched on my car..and saw that it was only 9:15PM. D'oh!!!

 

The aftermath: Needless to say, he didn't text me that night. I sent him a short, smiley text the next afternoon thanking him for the nice time. No reply. 4 days later, I texted again; I apologized sincerely for running off, explained my mistake, said I genuinely had a nice time with him, and asked if he'd like to meet up after work again. No reply! (Normally I'd sit back and let the guy initiate the 2nd date, but this time I felt like it was only right for me to apologize and see if he'd be open to giving it another chance).

 

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Yes, I feel like the biggest idiot. I've accepted that there's no way to fix this one and that I'll have to forget about him. Pity, there was some good potential there.

 

I'm not the most experienced person out there when it comes to relationships and dating and I'm trying to learn from each experience. So I guess my main questions are. Could I have handled the aftermath in a better way? Should I even be dating again so soon, when I'm still kind of reeling from my "breakup"?

[smackie9]

Don't worry, you will eventually meet someone nice. If this guy was truly kind and selfless he would have accepted your apology and arranged another date. Toss him back and just keep looking.

 

There are a lot of lessons to be learned here.....relax and take your time healing. If you are not emotionally ready for someone new then stop dating and focus on yourself. IMO you won't heal if you stay friends with your ex. It would be wise to really let him go and stop contacting him.

[kidm]

It's been only 4 months since you're breakup so it's normal to still be going through the emotions although it sounds like you may be ready to give the "right" guy a chance. You know how alcohol affects you so next time don't drink on an empty stomach. You apologized and that's all you can do. You handled the aftermath well although it seems he is turned off by your actions. All you can do is move on and learn from it. It's not like you were sloppy drunk and throwing up.

[jliebt]

Thank you both.

 

About my ex/soulmate, I actually haven't spoken to him for two weeks now. After he texted me for my birthday, I consciously resolved to finish on that high note and reduce my contact with him. It hurts like hell, I miss him terribly and wish things would just work out between us, but I won't even get to see him in person again until December which makes it ever so slightly easier to move forward...I am definitely trying to love myself first right now.

 

I guess it has just knocked my confidence a bit to have this^ whole situation happen - three fantastic hours together and then bam.

 

If this guy was truly kind and selfless he would have accepted your apology and arranged another date.

 

...but I do feel that this is spot on. I was very genuine in my apology text. Inability to forgive small and honest mistakes is something I find unattractive. I don't know, maybe he's sensitive or introverted and I really managed to offend him and hurt his feelings by accident. I kind of got the sense that he's one of those "extroverted introvert" types. Sometimes I'm just not sure how to handle those types, being a total extrovert myself.

 

Dating can really be sucky sometimes and it's really easy to lose faith.

[bolase]

It sounds like you handled the aftermath of an awkward situation just fine; you apologised and kept your dignity by not going overboard and bombarding him with messages. To be honest he could've been gracious in receiving your apology even if he had moved on. It's possible that he wasn't offended but his ego just took a hit, maybe he expected to take you home or kiss you and in telling his mates what happened he got s*** from them. Who knows?

 

I don't think it says anything about your readiness to date or not; I've had similar things happen on first dates that had nothing to do with exes!

[jliebt]

Yeah, I did enough of the "bombarding" guys with messages when I was younger, lol. Never going there again! As you said: dignity!

 

We literally work just over 1 mile from each other though and we frequent the same bars after work, so I wouldn't be the least surprised if we awkwardly bumped into each other soon...haha the world is far too small.

[Satu]

1. There is no such thing as a 'soulmate.'

 

2. You're not ready to date yet.

 

3. When you are ready to date, it will go much better than this encounter.

 

 

Take care.

[katiegrl]

Agree with smackie, and just my experience, but when a guy is really into you, a woman can do almost no wrong. At least at first.

 

So pls stop beating yourself up, had he been into you, he would have happily accepted your apology, replied to your messages and set up the second date.

 

And realized you were just nervous, which had he been truly into you, he probably would have thought was cute! And been flattered. Not turned off.

 

I say keep going.

 

What I question though is do you think it's wise to continue this *friendship* with your ex?

 

Is doing so allowing you to emotionally move on?

[jliebt]

I appreciate the comments and thoughts. @ katie - as I said in post #4, though I still consider T a friend I did recently decide to speak to him less for my own sake. We're crazily compatible but it's a right person/wrong time/place thing. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to get over.

 

I wouldn't say that Y wasn't into me, I've been on dates where I could sense the guy wasn't into me so I do know what that feels like. There's a bit more to all this. (There always is hey!)

 

When I was younger I got overly flirtatious and physical too soon with men I liked (there weren't many), as that was my only understanding of "relationships" (**see below). I was naive. Two years ago, that culminated in me getting sexually assaulted in a bar on a first date. He claimed I was inviting it and said very humiliating things as he assaulted me. I feel ok now, even if it still bugs me.

 

As a result. I've veered to the other end of the spectrum and become very cautious, maybe too much so.

 

T and I were dating long-distance and have only ever hugged; we never had the chance to go any further before it broke down. The two other dates I went on since T were daytime coffees. So no issues there.

 

Y was the first bar date I've been on since I was assaulted. I only felt ok to accept as I managed a thorough background check on him. But I wouldn't even let Y lightly touch my arm, lean on me or hug me, let alone kiss me, despite the signals from him being like bright flashing lights all night. I just kept shrinking away despite feeling the attraction. I also completely held back from flirting or verbalizing my interest to him. Nor did I give much of a response beyond an awkward laugh when he talked about cooking for me or fun activities we could do together. Simply put, I felt myself shutting down whenever our (excellent) chat led to any emotional high points like that. Until I ran away from him when he clearly wanted us to keep going. (Aside from my mistake about the time, I also started worrying that my tipsiness and the attraction would lead to something unwanted happening again. Although it crossed my mind, I didn't offer to move my car and meet him again to continue). So I don't exactly blame him for being put off by my behavior. As I said, there was definite chemistry, not the same lights-out kind that T and I had, but if anything it was the kind that would likely have developed well with less standoffishness from me plus some time.

 

**I grew up without much of a father (rarely saw him, had a very broken relationship with him which is now non-existent). My mom has never let any man into her life again. I am close to her but she's very cynical about relationships. Whenever I've tried to seek her advice, she's dismissive and usually says "focus on your career, you don't need a man". Needless to say..I find relationships and dating immensely difficult to navigate. I can never seem to get it remotely right, I've only ever been burned or disappointed.

 

Sorry, that turned into quite a rant, and I hope it all makes sense. I think I really needed to get that off my chest.