Am I Being Unreasonable?

[Art.at.Heart]

Hey everyone!

 

I'm a first time poster but I've been lurking for quite a bit (as creepy as that sounds). Love this forum and community and hope I can become part of it.

 

Now, to keep this brief, my girlfriend and I broke up a few months back after dating for nearly 2 years. There were quite a few reasons I chose to walk away but probably the biggest was that she randomly began displaying a tendency to lash out and degrade me. This could (and would) happen over even the smallest things that would normally have been a non issue. I always pushed back a little which would cause big blow ups and left me drained most days. When I realized my talks with her about this were getting me nowhere (the behavior continued on a very consistent basis), I ended things for own sanity.

 

Recently, her and I have been back in contact and thinking about reconciling and, at first, she was very honest about having to work on her short temper. However, last night, that took a pretty significant turn for the worse. She sees a therapist regularly and her therapist told her that she should be allowed to lash out and that it is actually on me to not take the things she says personally. Keep in mind: this was more than 4 consecutive months of verbal attacks that occurred 3-4 out of the week. This was not just a "once in a while" kind of thing. I honestly couldn't believe a licensed therapist would think it's ok to say that. Her last words to me before I got off the phone were "you just can't handle my behavior". I pretty much went to sleep last night with the decision that this reconciliation stood no chance if she was of that mindset. Is that unreasonable?

Edited April 15, 2016 by Art.at.Heart
Clarification

[PegNosePete]

Her last words to me before I got off the phone were "you just can't handle my behavior".

My response to that would have been "you're right. Goodbye"

 

Is that unreasonable?

Not at all, if you don't want a relationship with someone who lashes out at you then you are not obligated to (re)form one. Just say "sorry but even if your therapist thinks it's good for you, I'm not a punching bag and will not be treated as such. I'm not looking for a relationship that involves that kind of behaviour. Goodbye."

[DreamP]

Relationships are about meeting the other half way. She needs to work on controlling her anger and you need to learn to accept that when she blows a fuse, it's not really at you and the anger will fade away.

 

What concerns me is that this behavior wasn't there from the beginning. Something obviously triggered it. The therapist should be trying to figure that out and work on that. Not tell her that you need to deal with her lack of control.

[len51]

If you have an alcoholic in the family, you stand by them and support them. If you choose to be with an alcoholic, it is quite a different thing. The same applies to all other kinds of disorders and problems a person has. Some people do not deserve a second, third or even a fourth chance.

 

I walked away from a bipolar fiancee and a sex addicted girlfriend. The first one thinks she can talk to angels and has done everything they said to her detriment. She went on to ruin the life of the guy who married her, just like she did to me. The other one was a sex addict and became a crack addicted prostitute. After she kicked the crack habit she became a stripper and prostitute. She ended up marrying a customer that is 22 years older than her for financial support.

 

Always keep in mind that a person's past behavior is a very good indicator of their future behavior. If you were married to her, then by all means support her and stand by her but to enter into a relationship with a person with problems, you are condemning yourself to a life that is not going to be as good as it could be. Most adults do not change. They can get therapy and drugs to control themselves but sooner of later they will strop all of that and revert to what they naturally are.

 

Just like alcoholics need to go to AA every week and may fall off the wagon a few times and mess up their life and those who support them, people with other problems are the same. Why you would not want to find a mate who is better is beyond me. You can love someone else, as I did. My life is great but if I had married one of those two women from my past, I would not have had the great life I have. I hope you are not like some who fear that they will never find someone to love them again or to give them sex. There are many women out there for you and your goal should be to find the best one, not one who is broken. Sorry if this sounds harsh but like my first example, it is one thing to stick with someone who is part of your family but much different if you chose to be with them under no obligation to do so.

[Art.at.Heart]

PegNosePete, that was my exact thinking. I was literally left speechless and got off of the phone because, at this point, I'm done with the arguing and I was just exhausted in general.

 

DreamP, the thing is that I did meet her half way. We had the understanding of your exact words. She needs to work on her anger and I wasn't going to hold you occasional bad and stressed out day against her. However, my issue is that, after talking to her therapist, she no longer thinks she has anything to work on. She had implied that more than once throughout the conversation. As for your concern, I had asked her that during one of the times I had a serious talk with her about it. According to her, it's something that usually does. She even said her mom is usually gets the brunt of it. If I had to guess, the behavior came out once she got comfortable with me.

[Art.at.Heart]

If you have an alcoholic in the family, you stand by them and support them. If you choose to be with an alcoholic, it is quite a different thing. The same applies to all other kinds of disorders and problems a person has. Some people do not deserve a second, third or even a fourth chance.

 

I walked away from a bipolar fiancee and a sex addicted girlfriend. The first one thinks she can talk to angels and has done everything they said to her detriment. She went on to ruin the life of the guy who married her, just like she did to me. The other one was a sex addict and became a crack addicted prostitute. After she kicked the crack habit she became a stripper and prostitute. She ended up marrying a customer that is 22 years older than her for financial support.

 

Always keep in mind that a person's past behavior is a very good indicator of their future behavior. If you were married to her, then by all means support her and stand by her but to enter into a relationship with a person with problems, you are condemning yourself to a life that is not going to be as good as it could be. Most adults do not change. They can get therapy and drugs to control themselves but sooner of later they will strop all of that and revert to what they naturally are.

 

Just like alcoholics need to go to AA every week and may fall off the wagon a few times and mess up their life and those who support them, people with other problems are the same. Why you would not want to find a mate who is better is beyond me. You can love someone else, as I did. My life is great but if I had married one of those two women from my past, I would not have had the great life I have. I hope you are not like some who fear that they will never find someone to love them again or to give them sex. There are many women out there for you and your goal should be to find the best one, not one who is broken. Sorry if this sounds harsh but like my first example, it is one thing to stick with someone who is part of your family but much different if you chose to be with them under no obligation to do so.

 

Not taken harshly at all. I don't want anyone to sugar coat things. It wouldn't do me any good in the long run. You are correct in what you say. I know her behavior now and I did think she was working to change it just as I would work to change something if the situations were reversed. Knowing that, I would be the one to blame if I got back in the relationship and the same thing happened.

[mikeylo]

You could be bringing out the bad in her. Chalk it up to incompatibility and move on.

[Methodical]

Her therapist is trying to be her friend, not a therapist. I don't know any reputable therapist who tells their patient that the recipient of their attack should suck it up and deal.

[dumbass2]

You could be bringing out the bad in her. Chalk it up to incompatibility and move on.

 

I think this advice is spot on at this point. You've tried and can't live with her behavior and she's showing you that she's just not going to be able to change, at least any time soon.

[Art.at.Heart]

Have to thank you all for your advice and am going to do as mikeylo suggested which is just chalking it up to incompatibility. Time to move on.

[Zahara]

She sees a therapist regularly and her therapist told her that she should be allowed to lash out and that it is actually on me to not take the things she says personally.

 

I have to wonder if that is what the therapist actually told her -- it could just be her own words. She could have said that in order to justify her behavior and in hopes you'll just tolerate it just because her therapist said so. So the next time she lashes, you'll just have to shut up because she's allowed and you should not take it personally. BS.

 

I can't imagine a therapist saying that rather than holding her accountable and helping her manage her anger issues.

Edited April 16, 2016 by Zahara

[Art.at.Heart]

I have to wonder if that is what the therapist actually told her -- it could just be her own words. She could have said that in order to justify her behavior and in hopes you'll just tolerate it just because her therapist said so. So the next time she lashes, you'll just have to shut up because she's allowed and you should not take it personally. BS.

 

I can't imagine a therapist saying that rather than holding her accountable and helping her manage her anger issues.

Believe me, I've wondered that myself. It's not the first time that she has come to me with "well, my therapist says..." while trying to resolve an issue. Not so surprisingly, nearly every time her therapist's advice was more directed at me than at her.

[Zahara]

Believe me, I've wondered that myself. It's not the first time that she has come to me with "well, my therapist says..." while trying to resolve an issue. Not so surprisingly, nearly every time her therapist's advice was more directed at me than at her.

 

It doesn't seem like it would be in your best interest to rekindle with her. No, you are not being unreasonable and it is time to move on.

[Honourably honest]

You are not being unreasonable. Are there issues with her that make her lash out?

[privategal]

I wish her the best.

I had this issue.

The anger lashed out was hurt and fear.

I didnt know how to deal with nor express it. Everything came out as rage.

Im thinking her issue was the same.

Either way Im sorry you were at the recieving end.

[Art.at.Heart]

You are not being unreasonable. Are there issues with her that make her lash out?

Not that she has told me about. I did ask her very nicely if there was any reason she felt the compulsion to lash out at someone (not sure if I mentioned before but she told me her mom usually gets the brunt of it) and she said that it just happens sometimes.

[Art.at.Heart]

I wish her the best.

I had this issue.

The anger lashed out was hurt and fear.

I didnt know how to deal with nor express it. Everything came out as rage.

Im thinking her issue was the same.

Either way Im sorry you were at the recieving end.

I'm curious to know more about that. The catalyst for my decision to leave the relationship was when it got the point that she would initiate phone conversations just to rage at me. No exaggeration at all. I'm not sure if you can relate to that. Regardless I'm putting this relationship behind me.

[privategal]

I dont know if maybe she was sabotaging, if it was hormonal, if she needed love and confort but the feelings just made her so vulnerable it would come out as anger.

If you were pulling away she may have been feeling the rage stemming from fear of abandonment.

Im not trying to diagnose her, I can just safely say rage is a scary thing to feel and express.

When I went through it, oddly my heart couldnt even have been warmer or softer, it was something like a cry for help. I wish you the best in moving on and healing. Maybe to forgive, read about rage. She isnt a bad person and neither are you for not wanting to experience this anymore, just saying that in her defense so you can one day forgive her...but stay no contact for both of you.