smile95 Posted June 17, 2005 Posted June 17, 2005 well it must have been a fluke that I had a good day the other day. I amback to feeling so low. I am so sick of thinking about him and dealing with this! But he consumes my every thought. People say...go out, get hobbies.....I cannot even motivate myself to stop crying and get off the couch. How is this ever going to get better???? I thought time was supposed to help with NC and all i want is to talk to him. THis really is starting to annoy me that I cannot let go. I have read every damn book and I feel good for a day and then back to missing him. Could he really be the one for me and that is whyI cannot let go? I know you are all sick of hearing from me, but I really am not sure what route to take. Do I call him? Do I take one last shot? Or will that hurt me more. I really hate my life a tthis moment. How can I love him when me makes me miserable! Will time really help even if I still think of him????
WhomiHide Posted June 18, 2005 Posted June 18, 2005 i think of that all the time; wheter or not my ex is my one and only. I can't put myself to even date anyone. Even if i am attracted to them i feel some loyalty to my ex GF. I dont know why she left me when i know we coul've worked on us more and develope our relationship. We have been dating for 4.5 years and now its all over and she is dating someone she likes...someone i think she thinks is better than me....how i don't know? what i do is come on here, and try to help other people, then i talk to my friends, and we laugh... its ok to cry, you are human, its ok to be sad one day then happy the next..i do it to i find that i get really sad at night, because i know they are together at night....right now as i type this, i am sure the are on my bed where i use to be with her and her only...how can she do that i dont "f"in know. But all i can say, what other ppl have been saying to me...it gets better everyday as long as you are making an effort.. go ahead miss him, cry for him, then say to yourself man at least i know what it is like to love someone and i know that love can hurt....actually it always does, but then he will come back after he realized he lost you for good....but guess what if he knows you well enough then he knows your doing exactly what your are doing right now...so my friend, surprise him...surprise yourself and move on! and when i say move on, you can still choose to love him, for love doesn't just fade, not true love....but move on in a sense where you start to do things for you. I know ppl on here will tell you that over and over again, thats because itd the best thing to do...but funny how we as emtional humans can give other ppl advice and not take our own.... so surprise him...and LIVE!, we dont ever come out of life alone!!!
upsetnhurt Posted June 18, 2005 Posted June 18, 2005 Beth5201, Your situation is getting a bit out of hand. You do not seem to be getting over this at all and I suggest you seeing a therapist and potentially taking some anti-depressants. Maybe that will right your ship as it is way off course. You seem to be obsessed with someone who has disrespected you so much! What is it that you love about him, is it the way he treated you? That is not love to me and you should not stand for it as you are worth more. Get on with your life, he has.
miss-gonewest Posted June 18, 2005 Posted June 18, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 I cannot even motivate myself to stop crying and get off the couch. How is this ever going to get better???? This really is starting to annoy me that I cannot let go. I have read every damn book and I feel good for a day and then back to missing him. I know you are all sick of hearing from me, but I really am not sure what route to take. Do I call him? Do I take one last shot? Or will that hurt me more. I really hate my life a tthis moment. How can I love him when me makes me miserable! Will time really help even if I still think of him???? BETH! Get a hold of yourself! This is going to get better. This is going to end. But only YOU CAN STOP IT! You have a choice and you have the power - we don't and nor does your ex. Right now I think you are holding on to this because you enjoy it. Right now I think you are enjoying feeling sorry for yourself and you are enjoying sharing stories with others here that have been through the same. Its not healthy. And nor is posting here asking the same questions because all you are going to get are the same answers and it seems you don't want to heed the advice people are giving you. So, go ahead and call him. Cry, sob, tell him how you feel... give him your pride and your dignity and maybe if and when he rejects you, you can move on. I think the only way to get over this OBSESSION is to call him. I am sorry but I cannot post the same advice to you, over and over again.... If you truly want to heal, you will find money for therapy because it sounds like its what you need. I am so sorry to be harsh and to hurt you, but I can't be nice about this anymore. I'm all niced out.
miss-gonewest Posted June 18, 2005 Posted June 18, 2005 One last thing... Do yourself a favour a rent a copy of "Touching the Void". Watch it and then you may realise what hardship is... seriously, once you've seen it, it will put your whole life into perspective. I'm not being funny here, its worth seeing. And its a true story.
Jadey Posted June 18, 2005 Posted June 18, 2005 Sorry youre feeling so bad Beth But read my post in your other thread, you need to stop bothrting with this guy he is really bad to you. Its weird how you can be having a brill day then something starts it off again. Yesterday i felt real good i was like thinking its his problem and everything, i was happy. But im round my brothers staying for the weekend and him and his gf were cuddling and that started me off i went to bed feeling like **** and cried ll night. I even read my old text messages to and from my ex I know that i shouldnt have but it kinda strangely felt good to see the messages where he told me he love me and that. I should probably delete them really tho, one day! So anyway, youre bound to have your bad days. Just hold on and TRY to do stuff to get your mind off him. I know its waay easier said than done Good Luck
Author smile95 Posted June 18, 2005 Author Posted June 18, 2005 jadey- Funny, I kept the old messages too and sometimes read them. I should also delete. Theywere from March 29th when he tried to get me back last time. I know what you mean about seeing other couples. It sucks. Yesterday was a horrible day. I cried, I ranted and I woke up feeling Ok! Maybe since it has been only 22 days that I am just jumping all over these stages of grief? I am getting to the pool today and maybe out to dinner. Laying around will not help me in any way. What kinds of things do you do where you leep busy? I noticed the other day(on my up day) Iwas so strong and did not care about him and said if he loved me like I know he did, he will get his life together and we will maybe try again later...maybe years later, and if I move on then it was not meant to be anyway. I doubted that he loved me those 3 yrs after this, but I know that he did and still does. But we had the worst timing. I find myself amazed when I do not think of him for an hr or so. It is a great feeling...usually when I am super busy! What do you think makes you have a good day?
Lonestar Posted June 18, 2005 Posted June 18, 2005 You're self-esteem is gone girl. You have to find a way to get it back. Otherwise you're going to feel like this forever, and I can tell you straight up that there's no chance of your ex coming back to someone who is so needy, depressed, and pathetic. Find your confidence again and pull yourself out of this hole.
upsetnhurt Posted June 18, 2005 Posted June 18, 2005 Beth, Nice to not respond to the difficult posts. Remember that we only want you to get better and if it means sending a stronger message then so be it. May I ask what "love" is to you? Are you willing to settle in your life? or are you too weak to get your life in order? What makes you think that he would ever want to go back to a weak person, one that apparently can't stand on her own too feet? How did you live your life before you met him? Were you an invalid?
Jadey Posted June 18, 2005 Posted June 18, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 jadey- Funny, I kept the old messages too and sometimes read them. I should also delete. Theywere from March 29th when he tried to get me back last time. I know what you mean about seeing other couples. It sucks. Yesterday was a horrible day. I cried, I ranted and I woke up feeling Ok! Maybe since it has been only 22 days that I am just jumping all over these stages of grief? I am getting to the pool today and maybe out to dinner. Laying around will not help me in any way. What kinds of things do you do where you leep busy? I noticed the other day(on my up day) Iwas so strong and did not care about him and said if he loved me like I know he did, he will get his life together and we will maybe try again later...maybe years later, and if I move on then it was not meant to be anyway. I doubted that he loved me those 3 yrs after this, but I know that he did and still does. But we had the worst timing. I find myself amazed when I do not think of him for an hr or so. It is a great feeling...usually when I am super busy! What do you think makes you have a good day? To keep busy i listhen to music (not sad), Hang out with my family and friends, Take my lil nephews out, read, go for long walks, anything. Just do anything to take your mind off him it really doesnt matter what you do to be honest. Its great youre going out today btw. Im staying round my bros for the weekend with his gf and my lil neice and nephew, which really helps to keep me happy Think postitive thoughts girl! And Lonestar is completley right he aint gonn want you back if you appear to be desprete and try to hard. Thats one reason we must stick to NC But to be honest this guy doesnt deserve you! Be stron
Author smile95 Posted June 18, 2005 Author Posted June 18, 2005 How would you exactly like me to respond to the difficult posts??? I know I have no self esteem, as it was stated.....I know that I am out of hand and obsessive, as stated. I have seen a therapist and have already been down the ant-D road. How would you like me to respond to those things? A lot of this stems from my past and the therapist I had was worthless and expensive. Love to me is not what he gave me. I have built him up to be someone he is not. I am not trying to let go of him, I am letting go of who I built up in my head. It wa s built up from being Long dist. I never saw him, so i made him up to be this great person. That is why this is so hard. I am attaching his face to this dream person I want. I was not avoiding the posts that were difficult, I am not sure what you want me to say to them? I take it all in, I just agree with them and really have no way to reply.
lindya Posted June 18, 2005 Posted June 18, 2005 Beth, you allowed yourself to reach a stage where your happiness was dependent upon this man. Why did it happen? Perhaps when the relationship was alive, thinking about him all the time wasn't a problem because it felt nice Now, of course, thinking about him just causes you pain - but in some ways your problem is no greater or less than it was when you were together with him. In fact it was the same problem - ie your world, thoughts and feelings being focused primarily on him. Your self esteem depending upon whether or not he picked up the phone to call you. Your sense of worth coming almost entirely from what this guy thought of you and whether he wanted to be with you. No future boyfriend, counsellor or poster on Loveshack is going to rescue you from these feelings. They can only give you advice on how to control them. There are techniques for altering negative thought patterns, but it takes hard work and commitment towards actually WANTING to feel better. It also takes genuine acceptance of the fact that whilst others may be responsible for their actions towards you, you are responsible for controlling the thoughts and feelings you have as a result of those actions.
Author smile95 Posted June 18, 2005 Author Posted June 18, 2005 lindya-you are 100% correct. I was upset until he called and when he did Iwas fine. Now, I am upset because he is not calling and basing my feelings and self worth on that fact alone. I truly want to get thru this. You said there are ways to stop that. How? You exactly right on why I do this. I just wish I knew the steps to stop.
lindya Posted June 18, 2005 Posted June 18, 2005 What you're saying just now is that you can't help the way you feel about this guy, and you can't motivate yourself to go out and do things that will take your mind of him. You ARE capable of motivating yourself to do these things, but you've chosen not to because it's somehow comforting to keep thinking about him. It keeps the relationship alive in your mind - if not in reality. By this stage, it's not the guy himself who's causing you problems. It's all the thoughts you keep having about him. You need to expel those thoughts from your mind every time they come in. Even if the only thing that's going on in your mind is that you're throwing some rubbish (the thoughts about him) out of the house (your mind) So, that's your task for the next 24 hours . Every single time you start having an imaginary conversation with him, dwelling over a memory, recalling something he's said or picture meeting up with him again....open the door and firmly remove that thought. It will get very tedious and tiring, but make sure you keep doing it. Each and everytime you catch yourself thinking about him. Even if it means that you spend the whole day imagining yourself removing bags of rubbish from the house!
IceIceBaby Posted June 18, 2005 Posted June 18, 2005 Beth5201 - Stop and seriously think about this for a minute. Make a list in your head of the things you loved and hated about him, which outweighs which? And yes, it's difficult to see other couples happy together, but remember, you WILL NOT be that way with him. What you are seeing in other couples is what you want, not what you can get from him. So please do not go back and end up in the same place you always end up in. Feeling unwanted and unloved, YOU DESERVE BETTER. Find that stubborn side of you and don't back down here. Do this for yourself and for your pride. Look at this as a challenge for yourself. You know if you call him, he will think he's got you again. And let's face it, you don't have him. If you did, he would have tried to contact you already. If a guy wants to be a part of your life, he will try his hardest to be in it...whatever that takes. And even if he does want to be in your life, but doesn't go out of his way to get you back...then HE'S NOT WORTH IT. Because you deserve someone who will bend over backwards to get back into your life. DO NOT CALL HIM!!!!!!!!!!
Kagome1982 Posted June 18, 2005 Posted June 18, 2005 I know how u feel. Ppl tell me the samething. Go out have fun. But I don't want to. Sometimes at work I wanna go to the bathroom or a dark room and just cry for a bit. Its just so hard. I hope it goses away. And when it dose I hope to never feel this way again. I'm sure it will happen again.
Author smile95 Posted June 18, 2005 Author Posted June 18, 2005 well, I have come to the conclusion that I need to see how far I have come. When you said you go to dark rooms and cried it reminded me that I used to come home from work and cry the whole way home and pretty much drop to my knees when I walked in my house and was lost and crying. Eventho I am still sad and have bad days, I CAN say that I do not do that anymore, so I guess I AM making a little progress. I hope that each day gets better for you. Thanks for making me see that I have made a small improvement myself. ice and lindya-thanks for the posts. I am going to do the thought throwing away idea. Thank you! And ice-you made me see that I am just wanting a good guy and to love again. The faster I get him off my mind, the quicker I may be able to have that great feeling of being in love. SInce HE never tells me it is over and I feel in limbo. I am going to end it in my head and on my own. Thanks. feeling a lot better today.
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted June 19, 2005 Posted June 19, 2005 I know exactly how you feel. It is very, very tough, and it hurts, STILL. A few suggestions - I try doing this: 1) When you start missing him and wanting him, come back to LS - to read your previous posts - and people's replies to them. Also, read up on the "sound advice" you gave to other people. It helps reinforce the determination. 2) The "lifted hearts" book explains, that you tend to keep grieving because in some way, it is your way of keeping the relationship alive. To not think of him AT ALL would mean that the we have accepted that it has really, really ended - and we don't want to do that. When you're feeling weak, read your favourite chapters from that book. 3) Although it is hard, try and accept that the relationship is over. Now, this will hurt, so think about what he was as a person - and all the times he mistreated you. Come on, why would you want to be with such a scumbag!! I mean, most people wouldn't percieve him so great as you do - they would percieve him as "normal" at best, and I really doubt if he impresses everyone as much as he impresses you ;-) 4) When you are sad, cry it out. Crying is a good catharsis, after crying, that edge will go away from the sadness. And remember, you'll have to learn to keep doing other stuff....if you remain pre-occupied with him or even trying to consciously deal with him all the time, you'll be only attempting to still at least have an image of him in your mind. The "throwing out garbage" idea is really good I think. Besides, there are a lot of things that you aren't doing because you're too busy thinking of him. One more thing....therapists can be expensive...so if possible, start the anti-D therapy again. According to doctors, it takes about 2-3 weeks for it to actually start working...so don't expect miracles in the first few days. But it will help tremendously. Mind you...I'm really not advocating the use of any drugs here...you better ask a medical doctor about this. But depression is a medical condition, and so often it's better to get treatment to just improve the quality of your life. So, talk to a medical doctor. As for therapists....well...they would like you to keep coming back, won't they?! We're missing the "thought" or "illusion" of the right person...the feeling of love was largely from our side, I believe. I hope that helps. I know how it is, and finding strength takes time. And we tend to have the "infant" perception of time....time doesn't mean right now. It means a few months at least. Take care....remember, one day at a time.
Author smile95 Posted June 19, 2005 Author Posted June 19, 2005 thank you very much. That was helpful and it will be one of the ones I come back to read. I kpet busy today and still thought of him, but not as much as I would if I sat around here and did nothing. I do have to accept it is over. That will be hard. I guess I am holding on because I do not want to admit that he does not love me enough to make this work. I am convinced now that I am wanting who I imagined. He was not who I imagined. I really am tired of dealing with it all. I guess overall, like I said, I am most sad that he will not even try. Or explain. That makes it hard to get closure. But, I have no choice. I have to move on or a yr from now Iwill be doing the same. I will try your options and hope for the best. I do so well and then it sometimes just hits me and I feel low. The best thing for me to do is when I get sad is to remember that the person I missed was the person I met 3 yrs a go and not who he is now. Thanks so much. I will hope tomorrow will be even better than today. How are you doing with everything?
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