How do I tell my best friend she's worn out her welcome in my apartment?

[BornToDie]

She's 24, I'm 23. She recently got out of a 5 year relationship a month and a half ago. She was scared of leaving this relationship because she was only in it for security and fear of being alone, and now they are apart, she has taken root in my apartment ever since, and it is really starting to get on my nerves.

 

She originally lives with her parents. First, anything I ever buy, I feel like I am buying for her to use. This applies to everything. I buy a can of dry shampoo, and she will use it up within a day. She takes clothes out of my closet and wears them to work without asking, and she will wear them for weeks on end. Recently, this also applies to bras and shoes that are mine. She uses my makeup daily, and 3 times this week, she has "forgotten" that she put various expensive makeup items in her purse and left with them, something I don't realize until I'm trying to get ready (and then have to drive across town to retrieve them).

 

Secondly, she blows up my phone daily (even if I'm asleep - especially if I'm asleep) to make sure the door is unlocked/key is under the mat for her. I can't sleep at my boyfriend's house in peace because she will start blowing both of us up and will come by the house to get my key. This applies to wherever I am, and it is starting to drive me crazy. She does not pay rent or bills here.

 

Don't get me wrong - she is very helpful with housework, and majority of the time, she does it without me asking. She is a great friend to me, and her pros outweigh her cons. I take some responsibility for not setting boundaries with her when I should have because now she expects everything from me without needing to ask. She is my best friend in this world, and I started living alone for a reason - my last best friend that I lived with and I now hate each other because we lived together. I don't want to blow up on this girl and have built up resentment.

 

This is a one BR apartment, and I just want my bed back to myself. I want to walk around naked. I want to have sex with my boyfriend whenever I want. I just miss being alone. How do I tell this to her without rubbing her the wrong way?

[SammySammy]

Tell her that you appreciate her friendship. Tell that you also value your privacy. Your alone time. Your personal space.

 

Home is that space. A place where you can unwind ... walk around naked ... spend time in YOUR apartment with your boyfriend ... alone. Just what you told us. Don't ask her. Tell her that you will be reclaiming that space for yourself.

 

Be prepared for any reaction. She might be cool about it. She may never speak to you again. Such is life.

 

You know you should have snipped this in the bud early. Now you have a much more difficult conversation. But, it must be done. And you've learned a valuable lesson about setting and maintaining appropriate boundaries early in any relationship.

[salparadise]

Ohoooo, this is going to be tricky. I think she's going to be bruised regardless of how gentle you try to be. If she weren't being so aggressive (coming after the key, etc.) I'd say just make yourself less available, but given what you've described I think you're going to have to have a talk and tell her pretty much what you said in your post, but being as gentle as you can at the same time.

 

A good way to phrase things is to begin sentences with 'I' or 'I feel' rather than 'you' so as to be less accusatory. I'd probably start by simply saying, 'I need more space and autonomy.' Only enumerate if she's resistant to hearing what you mean when stated in general terms.

 

Use the settings on your phone to protect your privacy.

Edited April 14, 2016 by salparadise

[whichwayisup]

Tell her you love her and she's your BF always but if she doesn't move out you're gonna strangle her! Say it in a loving way. Don't go into details as to why you want her gone just say that you are used to your own space and it's time for her to go stay with her parents.

[privategal]

She doesnt realize AT ALL that you feel this way. You HAVE to tell her and just trust that if she is your best friend she will understand.

If she doesnt TOO BAD.

You guys never made an agreement to move in..you pay the bills, you need your things, your makeup, clothes, time, everything to yourself.

Are you close with her Mom?

Give her Mom a heads up how you feel and tell your friend you really really need this space back as your own.

Tell her just like you told us...I want to walk around naked, have sex when and where I want, not have my phone blown up, not be missing my expensive makeup and dry shampoo and clothes.

That is NOT fair.

Tell her, omg this is WAY too far.

Let her Mom know she will be home more and you need her to help support you in this.

[preraph]

You need to just tell her that you were glad to help her out but that you were not looking for a roommate and are wanting your privacy back and that she has a month to find a new place. You also probably need to tell her that she needs to live by herself and learn to be self-sufficient, because this is the type person who will stay in a bad relationship just to avoid being alone, out of fear. So talk to her about that as well, that once she proves to herself she can support herself and live by herself, she won't be as dependent on others. I mean, it sounds pretty bad if she's using all your stuff just like you're her mother or something!

[privategal]

A month is too long.

Honestly a good friend would leave TODAY. This has been going on for WEEKS. I would call her this minute, tell her to pack up.

Any best friend would understand that even though you love her, that youve helped her and given your time and you need your place back, some privacy and time alone.

Enough is enough.

Best friends are honest with eachother.

Its time...ask her to pack up tonight, apologize and let her know you love her but your boyfriend is spending the weekwnd and going forward you want to be back to roomate free.

Do it today.