reck123 Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 (edited) Hey guys, I wanted to flood some events and recent feelings on here. sorry for the long read but writing this alone has helped me put the last few months in to perspective Basically I moved to germany over 2 years ago coming from the uk and pretty quickly charmed a lovely german girl into a date this very quickly evolved into a relationship lasting over 1 and a half years. She was extremely into me throughout the whole relationship we spent a lot of time together and made many holidays together and spent time with each others familys. At the time she was was doing her phd and had been offered a chance to participate on a research vessel for 5 weeks where she would travel by boat and eventually arrive in south africa for the final 10 days. She mentioned concerns about how she was really worried it may damage our relationship as communication would be very scarce as there was very limited internet and no chance of speaking on the phone. I didn't think anything would go wrong as she was always the loyal type and was head over heels for me and constantly telling me this. towards the last few months before she went away i guess i became pretty comfortable in the relationship and didn't always make myself as available for her as she liked, prefering to spend time with friends and creating music and then seeing her a couple of days through the week. she would often get upset about this as she wanted to see me everyday. I mentioned the possibility of me perhaps meeting her at the end of the trip in south africa which see seemed thrilled about. so we spent our last days together and I dropped her off at the train station to say goodbye for the next 5 weeks. She would send me messages saying it hurts how much she is missing me. from then on emails would arrive very rarely but full detailed reports about how much work she is doing and what a great time she is having. This was now november in germany and very cold and I had been working a lot, had a fair bit of money saved up and fancied a get away to warmer climates. I spoke with my brother who was also working out there that I was thinking of coming out and would meet her then stay a little longer and cross paths with him for a few days and do some exploring. So I went ahead and booked my ticket. I boarded the flight for 11 hours of which I caught no sleep whatsoever and arrived in south africa and met her in the morning along with another friend from the ship. The first day I noticed she wasn't very warm to me but put this down to us both feeling a little tired. The following day i felt a little unwell and we met another german friend of hers who was doing a internship out there. This guy was very pretentious and arrogant and generally quite difficult to have a normal pace conversation with. on the second night I asked if she was happy to see me. she replied yes but was still very distant and would not initiate any physical contact with me. I began to get worried. One night we went to bed and i pulled her up on her distant behaviour to me and she told me that maybe she had changed. Oh man my head started spinning and along with my body clock being out of sync I caught no sleep that night. The third day we did a tour with both me and her german friend and the another from the ship. I was extremely sleep deprived and along with the feeling that something is not right between us I was not myself. we spent the whole day touring and climbing different mountains and visiting beaches. I felt so isolated and alone. she would stand away from me and walk of with her friends. This was the stuff nightmares are made of. On this day I knew something was going to go down. After a long day we both returned to our room. The first time we had been alone the whole day. I got in the shower and she joined and she started freaking out. We both got out and I asked her what is going on to which she replied "maybe we need to take a break". I flipped, I was on the other side of the world and she was asking to take a break after three days with each other. After her basically suggesting she wants to break up I told her it was done. She proceeded to go out that evening with her friends. I was left alone that night and reached for the closest pack of beers and called some friends and family to vent. The following morning it was obvious that it would be a silly idea for me to join them on the rest of the tour. So I booked myself into a youth hostel untill my brother arrived. My head was such a mess being so far from home in foreign country. My brain refused to let me sleep for the entire dutation of the trip when I was with my brother. I arrived back to germany and caught up with some friends and shared my experience which was comforting. For the next month and a half I experienced chronic insomnia and would go nights without sleep and show up to work afterwards. This was very mentally taxing for me whilst still trying to make sense of it all and get on with life. We spoke a bit and met up twice where she again seemed distant and would explain how the switch just went off for her. I proceeded to remove her and her friends on facebook and clear all presents and reminders out of my apartment. A few months after this my company was made bankrupt and i was made unemployed. It has now been 4 months since this horrible breakup and compared to the first two i am much more like myself again, sleeping properly, exercising and hanging out with friends more. I no longer get the intense feeling in my chest when i wake up. There are days where i dont miss her at all and feel quite positive about life. I've been on a few dates and had casual sex twice neither of which I enjoyed very much. The last few days I relapsed a little and felt very depressed about the whole thing and my self esteem hit a low again. I get this intense longing to be with her again despite the breakup and thoughts would drift to happier times and how she was before she became a completely different towards me. My flatmate has also recently got into a relationship and whilst I am very happy for him. hearing them having fun together sometimes reminds me of what once was. I've had to stop myself on several occasions from contacting her to arrange meeting up. sometimes I feel like if we could just go out and do something fun again together we could perhaps rekindle what was lost. Then i feel crazy for thinking this after the pain I was put through and would feel even worse to face the rejection again and lose even more pride. She's sent me a few innocent messages with some pictures from a recent trip she trip she took to the Uk and we made very short small talk. Its now been about a month of complete no contact which I think is for the best. Am i completely crazy thinking to contact her again? and try to give it one more chance. It still feels so alien to me how the whole time i was with her she was obsessed with me and was extremely happy. then 5 weeks later after minimal contact I'm meeting a complete stranger. Sorry if this all seems a little crazy after 4 months now but this was no normal breakup and it still haunts me. Edited April 14, 2016 by reck123
Bliss09 Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 I don't believe the way you are feeling is crazy at all. However, if you do decide to reach out and contact her, be prepared to start the healing process all over again. While a month of waiting around for a call or a text with no contact doesn't seem like progress, starting from ground zero again is not fun my friend. 1
Author reck123 Posted April 15, 2016 Author Posted April 15, 2016 I don't believe the way you are feeling is crazy at all. However, if you do decide to reach out and contact her, be prepared to start the healing process all over again. While a month of waiting around for a call or a text with no contact doesn't seem like progress, starting from ground zero again is not fun my friend. Thanks man. I think i will continue to hold out. This feeling seems to come in waves and then it passes. I don't want to be set all the way back again
keiji Posted April 15, 2016 Posted April 15, 2016 Thanks man. I think i will continue to hold out. This feeling seems to come in waves and then it passes. I don't want to be set all the way back again It's completely normal to feel down even if you've been doing fine for days or even weeks on end. Mourning is just like that for most people. I've read your story and, man, you don't deserve someone like that. She certainly doesn't deserve a guy who takes an 11-hour trip and then decides to ignore him. I totally understand the urge to contact her and give it another try, but, after what she did to you? I think you still have her in a pedestal. Once you manage to put her back to earth, the idea of even a friendship won't even cross your mind. I'm sure of that. Be strong. You deserve much more!!!
kidm Posted April 15, 2016 Posted April 15, 2016 Sorry you went through this and it's perfectly normal to be feeling this way. I would resist the urge to contact her. Based on what you described, she treated you very poorly and if I were you, I wouldn't even entertain any of her innocent messages. She let you fly out there knowing full well she was no longer interested in a relationship with you. Frankly, if your relationship couldn't survive 5 weeks of separation, it doesn't bode well for a long lasting relationship. I would let this one be and continue with your healing process.
Author reck123 Posted April 15, 2016 Author Posted April 15, 2016 Sorry you went through this and it's perfectly normal to be feeling this way. I would resist the urge to contact her. Based on what you described, she treated you very poorly and if I were you, I wouldn't even entertain any of her innocent messages. She let you fly out there knowing full well she was no longer interested in a relationship with you. Frankly, if your relationship couldn't survive 5 weeks of separation, it doesn't bode well for a long lasting relationship. I would let this one be and continue with your healing process. thanks guys. In hindsight I am no saint in the relationship department myself and could of done some things differently behaviour wise when we were together. But ye both are you absolutely right and thanks for the advice. sometimes you find yourself disconnecting from your rational mind when you put them on a pedestal again. Its funny how when a person loses interest completely you see an ugly side that was never once shown.
leepetrus Posted April 15, 2016 Posted April 15, 2016 Don't. Just don't contact her. It will mess up with your head for DAYS. You'll be looking for signs of an non existent romance, and you will have to pick yourself up all over again from the beginning as to figuring out why it all came down to this, what if things went differently, yada yada yada. It's a sinking boat to be rowing on. I've tried to message my ex three times in three different moments: 1 month, 2 months and 3 months after break up and NC in between. In all of them her answer was the same: Please, don't contact me anymore, I don't love you anymore. And yet I still tried to convince myself that they were mixed signals, which messed up with my head for days. Don't do it to yourself.
Author reck123 Posted April 15, 2016 Author Posted April 15, 2016 Don't. Just don't contact her. It will mess up with your head for DAYS. You'll be looking for signs of an non existent romance, and you will have to pick yourself up all over again from the beginning as to figuring out why it all came down to this, what if things went differently, yada yada yada. It's a sinking boat to be rowing on. I've tried to message my ex three times in three different moments: 1 month, 2 months and 3 months after break up and NC in between. In all of them her answer was the same: Please, don't contact me anymore, I don't love you anymore. And yet I still tried to convince myself that they were mixed signals, which messed up with my head for days. Don't do it to yourself. Thanks man. I had a weird moment of weakness a couple of days ago. and reread a lot of old loved up messages from her from before she went away. this was the worst thing I could of done as it resurfaced feelings of attachment again whilst reigniting feelings of sheer hatred for this person. I still wish I handled it better when I came back and just started Nc from the get go. I made the mistake of meeting up twice in my confused sleep deprived state and whilst telling her how messed up this was I also pretended to be kinda ok with the whole thing in some deluded thought that maybe theres a chance to reconcile. In turn this probably wiped a lot of guilt that she may have had about the situation.
leepetrus Posted April 15, 2016 Posted April 15, 2016 It most certainly did. Remember that the things that she's doing, while she's doing it, it's because she actually cares about you. She may even do. But she's doing in order to feel better about herself and letting go of these feelings of guiltiness. Just don't let her use you as crutch to do it. As hard as it may sound, you've got to cut ALL contact. This means not letting any door open for her to come back, cause if you do, you'll be like a puppy dog waiting to their owner to come home once again. Like I said before. Don't. Friggin. Do it. It will hurt you real bad. Make her dead to you. In fact, the relationship you had with her is dead anyway. Regroup and get your stuff together. You are stronger than this. You are still breathing, which means you will survive these endless nights.
leepetrus Posted April 15, 2016 Posted April 15, 2016 Re-red your story. Pretty dick move of her for waiting for you to come down there and make you feel a like a fish out of water tank. Honestly dude, may the devil take her away. You are a great person, I'm sure, and you don't deserve half of what she has done to you. I can see her game a mile away.
Author reck123 Posted April 15, 2016 Author Posted April 15, 2016 Re-red your story. Pretty dick move of her for waiting for you to come down there and make you feel a like a fish out of water tank. Honestly dude, may the devil take her away. You are a great person, I'm sure, and you don't deserve half of what she has done to you. I can see her game a mile away. thanks dude. As mentioned before the whole time we were together she was incredibly sweet and the most caring girl I ever had and then from that to this extreme was the biggest head**** I ever experienced. There are a lot of things that I probably don't know about and it's too late to find out and won't benefit me in anyway. weather she already made her decision on the boat or decided when she saw me again after 5 weeks, I just don't know. The last few days I've been indulging in this too much again. Just a matter of mind training I guess.
gimlynick Posted April 15, 2016 Posted April 15, 2016 Damn, I feel sorry for you. I kinda had the same, I went for a 6 month trip, came back after 4 months, things were still extremely good inbetween us, then I left again for 1 month and all of a sudden she lost the 'loving feeling'... I think she found out that she didn't really need you, it's hard to hear but apparently it's often like this. I know this is horrible, but you will get through this. Hang on my friend, better times will come. Don't contact her, if she really wants you she will come back. Good luck
Author reck123 Posted April 15, 2016 Author Posted April 15, 2016 Damn, I feel sorry for you. I kinda had the same, I went for a 6 month trip, came back after 4 months, things were still extremely good inbetween us, then I left again for 1 month and all of a sudden she lost the 'loving feeling'... I think she found out that she didn't really need you, it's hard to hear but apparently it's often like this. I know this is horrible, but you will get through this. Hang on my friend, better times will come. Don't contact her, if she really wants you she will come back. Good luck Thanks man. we defo had our share of times where we would have silly arguments before she left and ye maybe she just realised after some weeks away with no real communication between us and a lot of influential people around her that she no longer felt much. things are definatly better than before and I'm trying to rid myself of this victim feeling as it just sucks and gives me a much lower esteem than i've ever had before
gimlynick Posted April 15, 2016 Posted April 15, 2016 Thanks man. we defo had our share of times where we would have silly arguments before she left and ye maybe she just realised after some weeks away with no real communication between us and a lot of influential people around her that she no longer felt much. things are definatly better than before and I'm trying to rid myself of this victim feeling as it just sucks and gives me a much lower esteem than i've ever had before Yeah... People around her probably made a big influence on this. It's how it is. You'll have to learn to live with it. It sucks so ****ing much, but if she is mature enough she will come back, you just don't have to wait for it. Go grab a beer, go dating again, **** a lil bit around ( I know, sex is not the same if it's just casual then when it is with someone you love ), maybe you'll find your self esteem back.
Author reck123 Posted April 21, 2016 Author Posted April 21, 2016 Hey guys, Would be nice to have your opinion on this. So yesterday was great I was out playing football with my friends in the sun and just felt so happy about life again. I came back to my apartment in the evening to find a message from her. "Hey hey do you fancy meeting up for a very spontaneous beer"? I had such a great day and felt really over it again. I did reply and just said " hey, im afraid i can't" she sent another message the next evening saying "maybe we could meet up and play some basketball soon :)" Im not sure what her intentions are. weather she's feeling lonely or reminiscing or just wants to try a friendship card. either i say nothing at all or send this closing email - sorry for the long read. Email: I should be honest with you. I think becoming friends is probably not the best idea. I have a lot of happening right now. At one point we both shared a physical relationship and i think this doesn’t just transfer in to a healthy friendship after some months. I made the mistake of keeping some contact. But Truth of the matter is things won’t be the same between us and have frankly felt awkward the last few times we met. I defiantly made my mistakes in the months before you went away and should of treated and communicated better with you at times and made more of an effort towards the relationship as you did, for this I’m very sorry. But I was also extremely hurt and shocked by the way I was treated after traveling so far to see someone I liked and trusted. (regardless of your change of feelings) quite frankly I never felt so alone and confused in my life as I did in south Africa. I only wish you would of told me this before i stepped on a plane and it could of been avoided. I should of been much more firm in communicating this but was not thinking clearly in the weeks following that very strange experience. I also understand it was maybe not my place to be and I wasn’t behaving well or like myself so probably wasn’t easy to be around in my sleep deprived/jetlagged state so I’m sorry if you felt embarrassed around your friends. I only regret that I didn’t spend the money I saved on a winter get away to asia for three weeks. I no longer have any negative feelings about this and now actually look back and laugh about that time i was lost over there . but felt it was right to explain this to you in a clear and neutral mind. wish you all the best, I am not thinking of sending her this with the intention of getting back as the last few days have been a real refresher. but i do regret not being more strong about this and should of gone no contact from the get go for my own sake.
sowhynot Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 I'm sorry but it really sounds to me like there was someone else on the horizon - or possibly a lot closer - and for some reason it hasn't worked out so she's reverting to option 'B' which I'm afraid is you, my friend. Unless she comes back with the complete 180 degree apology, I wouldn't give her the time of day.
keiji Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 The e-mail almost sounds like an apology. She didn't treat you right and the whole South Africa episode was awful. Period. I understand the urge to tell her how you feel, but I would at least delete the mid paragraphs and just send this: "I should be honest with you. I think becoming friends is probably not the best idea. I have a lot of happening right now. At one point we both shared a physical relationship and i think this doesn’t just transfer in to a healthy friendship after some months. I made the mistake of keeping some contact. But Truth of the matter is things won’t be the same between us and have frankly felt awkward the last few times we met.Make it as neutral as possible. Otherwise, she'll reply and you'll trigger a give and take that can only cause more heartbreak." That said, I'd stick with NC. She treated you too poorly.
Author reck123 Posted April 21, 2016 Author Posted April 21, 2016 The e-mail almost sounds like an apology. She didn't treat you right and the whole South Africa episode was awful. Period. I understand the urge to tell her how you feel, but I would at least delete the mid paragraphs and just send this: "I should be honest with you. I think becoming friends is probably not the best idea. I have a lot of happening right now. At one point we both shared a physical relationship and i think this doesn’t just transfer in to a healthy friendship after some months. I made the mistake of keeping some contact. But Truth of the matter is things won’t be the same between us and have frankly felt awkward the last few times we met.Make it as neutral as possible. Otherwise, she'll reply and you'll trigger a give and take that can only cause more heartbreak." That said, I'd stick with NC. She treated you too poorly. Thanks guys, On one hand it quite nice just ignoring her. But's it's likley she will just message again. thanks for the edit, much better. i added another paragraph. i was far too soft on this girl and never pushed her much further after all this. i felt to add the last part so she can perhaps explain herself a little more if she decides to rather than her thinking im ok with what she did. I should be honest with you. I think becoming friends is probably not the best idea. I have a lot of happening right now. 'At one point we both shared a physical relationship and i think this doesn’t just transfer in to a healthy friendship after some months, maybe further down the line we can. I made the mistake of keeping in contact and thinking it would be good to share time after some of the memories we created. things won’t be the same between us and have frankly felt awkward the last few times. I’m not sure what happened on that boat, weather you had something with someone blah bah and was never given any real explanation or apology for how i was treated over there. Anyway it’s been almost half a year and this doesn’t matter anymore , Just it doesn’t sit well with me. '
gimlynick Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 Hey man, I think it still matters for you, otherwise you shouldn't talk about it. Take this: Imagine if you come back home from work and she is standing at your door. You will take her in right? And after an amazing evening of talking she wants something more. You will not say 'hey, no I just want to be friends' right? So I should just keep the message professional and clean. Don't talk too much about the past, it's not going to change and she will only think that you're still crazy into her. Maybe she just understands right now what she had with you, and that someone else can't replace you. That's how I keep myself strong, believing that no one else can give her a happier life then I do. If you can do that to her, you can later do this also to another girl, maybe one who puts you on the first place aswell. Courage man!
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