elaine567 Posted April 15, 2016 Share Posted April 15, 2016 I don't think it's nearly that complicated, and I certainly do not accept that "she's probably going to have to break up with her boyfriend." All but one of the women I've dated since being divorced have (and currently have) kids and ex's they need to communicate with. I also have a daughter and an ex. It has never been a problem, not even a little bit. The difference here is the OP is "cultivating" the ex, as he was originally NOT on board, and the bf has never had kids. The OP is no doubt bending over backwards to accommodate the ex and his gf to make sure they stay in the daughter's life and the bf has gone from the head of the household and "daddy" to the "outsider who knows nothing about kids as he has never had any..." Link to post Share on other sites
OneLov Posted April 15, 2016 Share Posted April 15, 2016 The difference here is the OP is "cultivating" the ex This is 100% it, and it makes all the difference. It's very hard to make a current parther happy when you're trying to win the favor or friendship of an ex. I've never had a girlfriend want to chill with an ex. Kid(s) or no kids(s). However, not one of them were ever upset if we ran into one and I was "friendly" to her. Being friendly and being friends are not the same. Of course, you should be friendly with your ex and have a healthy coparenting relationship with your daughter as first priority. This includes limiting contact to necessary coparenting interactions with your ex. OP, I would ask myself for what reason am I trying to win the favor or friendship of my ex? Is it because you feel he will not want to be apart of your daughter's life otherwise? Or is it subconscious guilt for having an affair and the subsequent divorce? I'm not trying to be disrespectful but if there are any issues like the above, it may be beneficial to address these before you discuss marriage with your bf. I'm not saying your intent is to get back together with your ex. It just seems like there are some unresolved issues of guilt and this unrelenting feeling of wanting to make everything right by your daughter, ex, and current bf. I hope everything works out for you. OL Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted April 15, 2016 Share Posted April 15, 2016 The difference here is the OP is "cultivating" the ex... Otherwise known as sucking up, showering with attention, etc.,... to the point that he bf feels like he's relegated to the back seat, with the two of them in the front with the music cranked. This is 100% it, and it makes all the difference. It's very hard to make a current parther happy when you're trying to win the favor or friendship of an ex. Being friendly and being friends are not the same. Of course, you should be friendly with your ex and have a healthy coparenting relationship with your daughter as first priority. This includes limiting contact to necessary coparenting interactions with your ex. OP, I would ask myself for what reason am I trying to win the favor or friendship of my ex? This is how I see it too. It's not that the bf is wacko. It's that the situation is out of balance and good boundaries aren't being maintained. I think about ninety percent of familial relationship issues are caused by weak boundaries, and would disappear if a certain individual could understand appropriate boundaries. I hope things turn out for OP as well, but I'm telling you... if you SO feels like second fiddle to another opposite sex relationship (esp. an ex) the prognosis isn't good. OP should think about which aspects she can control and which ones she cannot - and think about what it would feel like to be the the other's shoes (empathy). I think it's a relationship skills issue primarily. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 15, 2016 Share Posted April 15, 2016 Otherwise known as sucking up, showering with attention, etc.,... to the point that he bf feels like he's relegated to the back seat, with the two of them in the front with the music cranked. Only it is the three "parents" in the front with the music cranked. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OneLov Posted April 15, 2016 Share Posted April 15, 2016 It's not that the bf is wacko. I agree. What makes me believe this is OP stated they have been together for a year and a half. The facts OP provided indicate they are in a serious relationship. OP used the word "suddenly" which makes me believe he never communicated these feelings until recently. In my experience, insecurities such as jealous always manifest early on in a relationship. This sounds more like a situation of frustration than jealousy. From the way OP described her bf's behavior, he appears to be accommodating to her child's priority. But I can understand why does not want to be included in his girlfriend's plans with the ex and their daughter. I can understand how he would wish that his girlfriend would make plans with him that include her daughter. Frankly, to me, this situation illustrates why people who fall out of love stay married for the sake of kids. I am not commenting specifically on OP's choice since I have no clue what her relationship with her ex was like or saying I do not believe in divorce. But I would venture to say most in this situation realize only a very very small population would embrace the role OP wants her bf to embrace. I am not saying she is wrong. Just saying most would react like her bf is now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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