To Leave or not to Leave? NOT on the same Page

[ByMyself01]

I've been dating this guy for about 6 months and upon meeting we both expressed that we both wanted kids in the next up and coming year. Well, now that the next year is slowly approaching now he is changing it to 3 years . Honestly, I feel like I'm being played with now by him or he's having second thoughts about us. I hate to say it, this slowly makes me miss my ex. I expressed to this new guy that I have a medical condition which makes it harder for me to have kids so next year was a good plan for me. I am 28 years old and he is 26. My clock is ticking and I told him time and time again if that he feels like kids is something he thinks I'm rushing too soon that we should go our separate ways. We had even talked about how we will run our household and raise our kids together.

 

Now, I don't know what to do. I would hate to waste more years in a relationship only to turn out childless and depressed. It seems he is in no rush and I agree he shouldn't be. But I'm the one with the problems and the only conclusion I can come up with now is to end it with him and either go back to my ex or start over with a guy who wouldn't constantly change his mind. If I wait 3 more years that means I will not have my first child until I'm 32 and that's too late for me being that I have infertility issues...

 

What should I do in this situation? Wait it out or keep dating other men? I would hate to break his heart for he is a sweet guy but I also feel like he is selfish. I told him how much I wanted a family, the getting older thing but he changes a year to 3 years! Sometimes I think he's playing with me to be honest. I don't even think he wants kids when I show him babies and when babies pop up on TV or whatever he seems uninterested and I think he's playing with me.

 

Now I miss my ex, I just don't want to leave this planet and have my biological clock to stop in the process of searching for the right one. I feel like my life is over and no man wants kids or to settle down with me. What to do? My ex is no better and even worse as far as playing with my emotions for 3 whole years but the one thing he did right was atleast try to give me what I desired but medical reasons, stress and everything caused me a miscarriage.

 

It's to the point now that I don't want to invest anymore emotions into the relationship. I feel like it's going nowhere now and he knows it and adding years to the plans to prolong his benefits from me. Of course, he will never admit to it.

 

What would you do in this situation? Leave, wait, or cheat/date?

[Bossanova]

I would advise you to become single and use a sperm donor.

It's far too much pressure on a new relationship to put such a short time scale on, I don't blame this man for having second thoughts. If you're going to raise a child together you need to know each other well first and to want to be together because you want to be in each others lives, not because you need a kid asap

[TXGuy]

Six months seems a bit early to be planning children for the near future. I think your guy's timeline of three years is a bit more reasonable.

 

I hear you about your time constraints, but that puts you in a tight spot. New guys would start the clock over again. Current guy might or might not change his mind in 2 years.

 

Are you certain your ex would take you back? Why did that end? Apparently, he was willing to have a child with you. We're there other issues with him?

[ByMyself01]

Six months seems a bit early to be planning children for the near future. I think your guy's timeline of three years is a bit more reasonable.

 

I hear you about your time constraints, but that puts you in a tight spot. New guys would start the clock over again. Current guy might or might not change his mind in 2 years.

 

Are you certain your ex would take you back? Why did that end? Apparently, he was willing to have a child with you. We're there other issues with him?

 

Honestly, me and the ex continued seeing eachother up until the point I told him about the new guy. We never really had a title after he left me in August of last year but I kept him near because I still loved him in fear of getting left again. I don't even see how he blames me for dating the new guy when he barely wanted to tell me he loved me. Now, he has removed himself out of the picture and now we are in NC. Right now, though, I feel like just leaving the new guy all together and trying over again with my ex because he really was willing to try and make me happy but so much damage was done after he left me and started dating this other woman right after really put a wrench in us. We never been the same since.

 

Then, right after he started doing things I wanted him to do, I had met the new guy by this time and I was honest about the whole thing. Now, he can't take it and sees himself as the victim. I still love him so much and we're in NC for the 100th time. But I think this time I may have hurt him but I didn't even know he could be hurt because it seemed like he had no feelings for me to begin with.

[ByMyself01]

I would advise you to become single and use a sperm donor.

It's far too much pressure on a new relationship to put such a short time scale on, I don't blame this man for having second thoughts. If you're going to raise a child together you need to know each other well first and to want to be together because you want to be in each others lives, not because you need a kid asap

 

I would try the donor thing but I don't see how that would work being that I have fertility issues. It would be a long process, but I will take it into consideration.

[basil67]

Your boyfriend is being really sensible. Look at it from his angle: a girl who he's only known for six months is pressuring him to have children. Not only is he only 26, but he simply hasn't spent enough time with you yet to truly know if you're The One.

 

Yes, going your separate ways could be very sensible. But if you put this on each new guy you date, you're going to keep finding yourself in the same position of him feeling rushed. Or, you could end up with a foolish man who has kids quickly....and then find you've had children to a fool.

[basil67]

I would try the donor thing but I don't see how that would work being that I have fertility issues. It would be a long process, but I will take it into consideration.

 

Talk to a fertility specialist. It's far wiser than pressuring guys into fatherhood.

[ByMyself01]

It's funny how everyone says I put the pressure on men and they go out and find someone who hey immediately have kids with and start a family with. I think it's all in how a person feels about the other and I guess he doesn't "feel" that with me. And partially my ex, I believe the miscarriage took a toll on him and my fertility issues. I believe he really wanted a child with me and it just didn't happen the way we planned and that's part of the let-down of our relationship. But my ex has a small child and was still willing to give me a child so I felt like he wasn't being selfish and if my new boyfriend felt like he wasn't ready, then she shouldn't have agreed to have kids with me in the next up and coming year and he was the one that asked me did I want kids.

[joseb]

You can't expect a guy to want to have kids with you so soon. It's just unreasonable. They are just getting to know you.

 

You sound like you just want a kid - with anyone - so I too suggest a sperm donor route is the best way to go. Have you looked into it?

[ByMyself01]

You can't expect a guy to want to have kids with you so soon. It's just unreasonable. They are just getting to know you.

 

You sound like you just want a kid - with anyone - so I too suggest a sperm donor route is the best way to go. Have you looked into it?

 

Not yet, but I plan to. Looks like it's what it's going to come down to. No one takes me seriously in relationships anyways and constantly change their minds only to have children with women they don't stay with anyways.

[ExpatInItaly]

I agree with the others that you need to look into other options. Make an appointment with a fertility doctor and discuss the possibilities.

 

It's just not realistic for most people to be trying to have a baby with someone they've only dated for 6 months. You make it sound like all you want is his sperm, and that's a lot of pressure to put on someone. If this seems to be repeating itself in your relationships, I would strongly advise reflecting on how you might be making these men feel. Nobody wants to feel like a donor to the woman they're dating, nor do they want to pressured into parenthood.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Oh sweetie I feel for you so much! I have been/am in a similar position, I'm 28 and have had endometriosis in the past, no idea how fertile I am. My partner is a year and a half younger and when we got together two years ago (so we were 24 and 25) I expressed that I am looking to have kids and would like to try by the time I'm thirty. I brought this up within a few months and he agreed that he'd like that too.

 

Fast forward a little while, we've been together a couple of years now, still not long. I'm 29 next year. Late last year I started to get pretty broody and started a conversation about our timelines for kids, I basically said how would you feel about trying next year, and he said that's great. Then I asked theoretically what if I wanted to try sooner (I didn't really want to, but I had baby fever, which has died off now) and he said that we'd try sooner, because he wants kids with me and I'm a little older with these issues so he knows we don't have all the time in the world.

 

I must add that he's not hugely into babies or kids, has always imagined having them but I doubt he envisaged it being so young (in his twenties), however that's why I brought it up early to check out his thoughts so I wasn't killing time with someone only for it to go nowhere. He is the person who's nervous to hold my niece while I go nuts for her, but he does enjoy playing with toddlers and makes a huge effort with my 12 year old nephew.

 

So anyway after this discussion about trying next year a few months pass and then one night he comes home saying that he feels like he made too rash a decision and he's not ready and the crux of the issue was 'I don't know when I'll be ready I just feel like 28 is too soon'. Needless to say I was absolutely devastated. I tried to hide it from him so as not to feel he was pressured but I felt for a couple days like I was grieving the chance of having kids, now that the person I made sure was on the same timeline had changed the goal posts and I was late twenties with endo.

 

We talked and talked and could never reach a conclusion so decided to leave it for a few weeks, we set a date to discuss it and then both had some time to think. I had made clear to him look, I'm not saying I am going to leave you if you don't have kids by this point, this is not an ultimatum, but I don't have forever and feel like you've chopped and changed too much, from 30 to anytime you want to 'I don't know when!', he knows how important it is to me and knee when we got together I'm a little older.

 

A few weeks later we had a discussion and he said he wants to try next year. Honestly at this point I'm nervous that as it approaches he'll freak out and change his mind again. I don't want a baby with a man I've had to argue into it and I've tried so hard NOT to do that though an element is inevitable. Essentially I set out my stall and said this is what I want from a relationship, a family, and I'm not issuing an ultimatum but I would like to do it with him. Sure people say leave, find someone else who wants exactly what you do, but it's not that easy, we had the most incredible relationship either of us has ever had, we live together, are engrained in one another's families, and given that we do both want kids I see it more as ironing out the details and neither of us wanted to break up although I did consider what I would do if we did. In the end we compromised on a timeframe a little later than I wanted and a little earlier than he did but as I kept saying when he said 'I don't know when I'll be ready', this decision involves us both, it's not fair to expect me to wait around until he might become ready, I get that he's not broody yet but at 26, with a 28 year old partner, he kinda needs to **** or get off the pot in terms of making a decision. And I felt that if he stuck to 'I just don't know when' or wanted to delay until our thirties that I would end up resenting him so much it'd be kinder to leave for us both, though I didn't tell him that.

 

My advice... To be honest with you, I dont think six months is too early to be discussing your future plans, when you're up against the time pressures you are, although it's possible that for him, he just cannot visualise it with you due to barely having been together and not sharing a life together. Do you live together? Until you do, and have entwined lives, I think it's tough for anyone to definitively say yes, I want kids with you ASAP. I do think that men and women are wired differently with this due to them not having such a tight timeframe so I don't think they can always understand just how urgent this issue is or that we are not unnecessarily pressuring or nagging we are just looking out for our own interests. If you want a family then you need to find someone who does, who will compromise, or do it on your own. But don't stay in the relationship for years thinking that you have a better chance of changing his mind than trying again elsewhere, you could meet someone new who's a little older and broody as hell and be pregnant within six months, I've seen it happen a lot.

 

Six months seems short though. How about you give yourself a mental timeframe of how long you're willing to wait for him to decide on this issue and keep it to yourself, so it's not an ultimatum? I think if you've been together one year and he's still saying he wants to change the original timeframe to three years you should and would be better off walking. I totally understand that feeling like you've been baited and switched or led on or misled but at the end of the day, people have a right to change their mind especially about something as massive as kids, better for him to tell you now than walk out on you while you're pregnant, but you also have a right to walk away if the relationship isn't meeting your needs.

 

One thing I found took the pressure off massively was deciding myself that if we ended over this, I would look into adopting as a single parent. I'm ready for kids, I am stable, I have a great job, financially secure, I'd love to adopt and don't think I'd go down the donor route although everyone has to go their own way. Once I realised that if we split I could go off and become a Mom on my own when I'm ready it really took away all of that 'should I stick it out with him or leave and try find someone new!?' Insane crazy making pressure.

 

Good luck OP, it's a horrible situation to be in.

[ByMyself01]

Right now, I really decided to have time to myself. My ex no longer longer wants to talk to me and the new guy is not very supportibe . So I took myself off social media and I expressed to the new guy that I'm packing up and saving to branch out on my own. He's a very selfish man and I want no parts of him. Atleast my ex compromised and I miss him. Hopefully he'll come back and we can resume making our baby because he did try. Over and over. The new one, all he does is act childish, and has this perfect future set up and there's more to him I might start a new thread about

[Dis]

Woah woah, you've been seeing this guy for 6 months and you already want to have a child with him??? I know you have fertility issues but that is WAY too soon. If your going to have a child with a man you need to be as certain as you can that the relationship will work long term....6 months time is not long enough to determine that.

 

He is very young too, I wouldnt want to have a child if I was his age either. If you two are butting heads about this issue, I really dont think your relationship would work even if he did cave and have a child with you. He might end up resenting you for pressuring him. A new baby tests a relationship more than anything else. A baby is more likely to end a relationship rather than save it.

 

I would recommend going to a fertility clinic, see what other options you have. I totally get it, I want children too and would be devasted if I couldnt have them. But your going about it the wrong way.

 

Dont go back to your ex either, ex's are loves of our past that should stay there. You guys broke up for a reason, dont second guess it or try to make it work again.

 

I really empathalize with your situtation, I'm sure your very worried. But this guy doesnt seem interested in having a child right now, dont push it. Explore other options.

[ByMyself01]

QUICK UPDATE... We had fixed things and agreed to have 2 kids together starting in March of next year. That helps me to relax a little. We decided next year, nothing more or less. I'm kind of excited and nervous. Hopefully everything goes according to plan and it's not hard considering the fertility issues when the time comes.

[Versacehottie]

Talk to a fertility specialist. It's far wiser than pressuring guys into fatherhood.

 

Whoa! This^^^^ im stressed out just reading your posts OP. It's funny that you say your bf is being selfish--he's not the only one!!! I actually think he's being far less selfish than you are. Maybe just sensible. I guess to each his or her own but i think you have all the wrong reasons listed and circumstances for bringing a child into this world. It's a tough situation that you literally feel the clock ticking but maybe you'd be better off putting effort in researching fertility options and/or creating a stable, loving long term environment with a guy that is based on much more than a willingness to have a child with you. The fact alone that you are open to jumping back to the ex Bc he may be willing to have a baby with you is not cool or responsible or stable. Wow

[smackie9]

Is there any talk of marriage??

[katiegrl]

OP, you posted you are still "so in love with him" (your ex), and you are currently in NC for the 100th time.

 

Did I read that right?

 

If so for the love of all things beautiful, end it with the current guy.

 

You cannot possibly move forward with one guy when you are still so in love with another.

 

That is not fair to current guy or you!

 

Spend some time on your own healing and emotionally disconnecting from your ex before embarking on a committed RL with another man

 

Best of luck.

[ByMyself01]

Is there any talk of marriage??

 

Yes there is

 

OP, you posted you are still "so in love with him" (your ex), and you are currently in NC for the 100th time.

 

Did I read that right?

 

If so for the love of all things beautiful, end it with the current guy.

 

You cannot possibly move forward with one guy when you are still so in love with another.

 

That is not fair to current guy or you!

 

Spend some time on your own healing and emotionally disconnecting from your ex before embarking on a committed RL with another man

 

Best of luck.

 

And if I let my new guy go, then what? I'm going to be alone and still feel horrible. He is too much of a good man for me to let him slip through the cracks. With time, I'm getting over it.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yes there is

 

 

 

And if I let my new guy go, then what? I'm going to be alone and still feel horrible. He is too much of a good man for me to let him slip through the cracks. With time, I'm getting over it.

 

I don't mean this harshly, but have you considered how either one of these guys might feel and what you bring to the table?

 

I myself was told that my PCOS would make it virtually impossible to have kids. And I know others who were told the same etc.

 

When I met my husband, (and my ex) I had relationships that were based on having RELATIONSHIPS. Not trying to prematurely push fatherhood on a young man.

 

My husband and I married a year and one day to the day we met. We pretty much had this agreement: we both wanted kids, and they were welcomed. If we didn't have kids naturally by X time, we would dive into fertility and adoption options. If your fertility is that precarious, you may have to have a genetic donor OR a surrogate.

 

What happened? I had a miscarriage in the first year of marriage. But it showed me that I COULD get pregnant.

 

Two years later I was pregnant. My daughter turns seven in about a week.

 

I also got pregnant again last year and had my son two weeks ago.

 

If your fertility issue is PCOS, I STRONGLY suggest removing dairy, sugar and wheat gluten from your diet. Both times I did it to lose weight and ended up pregnant very quickly, despite my fertility obstacles. (On a side note, ARG, I'm never going to lose weight if I keep getting pregnant every time I try!).

 

A dear friend of mine has had SEVEN miscarriages and has now just made it past the second trimester.

 

There's a difference between "low fertility/low chances" and "no fertility" (I.e. "I don't have a uterus/ovaries.")

 

Live YOUR life. Don't try to get others to live your life. Neither of these men owe you a baby. That doesn't make them selfish, and it only seems like a heavy pressure-tactic.

[tinkerbell16]

I don't mean this harshly, but have you considered how either one of these guys might feel and what you bring to the table?

 

I myself was told that my PCOS would make it virtually impossible to have kids. And I know others who were told the same etc.

 

When I met my husband, (and my ex) I had relationships that were based on having RELATIONSHIPS. Not trying to prematurely push fatherhood on a young man.

 

My husband and I married a year and one day to the day we met. We pretty much had this agreement: we both wanted kids, and they were welcomed. If we didn't have kids naturally by X time, we would dive into fertility and adoption options. If your fertility is that precarious, you may have to have a genetic donor OR a surrogate.

 

What happened? I had a miscarriage in the first year of marriage. But it showed me that I COULD get pregnant.

 

Two years later I was pregnant. My daughter turns seven in about a week.

 

I also got pregnant again last year and had my son two weeks ago.

 

If your fertility issue is PCOS, I STRONGLY suggest removing dairy, sugar and wheat gluten from your diet. Both times I did it to lose weight and ended up pregnant very quickly, despite my fertility obstacles. (On a side note, ARG, I'm never going to lose weight if I keep getting pregnant every time I try!).

 

A dear friend of mine has had SEVEN miscarriages and has now just made it past the second trimester.

 

There's a difference between "low fertility/low chances" and "no fertility" (I.e. "I don't have a uterus/ovaries.")

 

Live YOUR life. Don't try to get others to live your life. Neither of these men owe you a baby. That doesn't make them selfish, and it only seems like a heavy pressure-tactic.

 

My goodness it's hard enough to raise children in a loving, committed, married home let alone one that is "settled for" or "rushed" (ie OP still in love with Ex). Being a parent is the largest lesson in sacrifice and selflessness. What a terribly unstable way to bring a life into this world.

[tinkerbell16]

My goodness it's hard enough to raise children in a loving, committed, married home let alone one that is "settled for" or "rushed" (ie OP still in love with Ex). Being a parent is the largest lesson in sacrifice and selflessness. What a terribly unstable way to bring a life into this world.

 

Dreamingoftigers. My apologies I was trying to respond the the OP not your response congrats on your new baby boy

[kendahke]

I would try the donor thing but I don't see how that would work being that I have fertility issues. It would be a long process, but I will take it into consideration.

 

It's going to be a long process anyway. There is no guarantee that the next 7 men you meet will not have the same reaction your ex did. Basically, you're telling them you want them for stud service. That would put anyone off. No one wants to be used because you're being selfish about it. None of what you said has anything to do with how they feel, which is just as important as how you feel.

 

If you need a child that badly, then research sperm donor clinics in your area and get about the business of trying to conceive. At least you don't have to waste time figuring out if they really want to be with you or if they want you as the mother of their children.

 

And cheating is never an option in any relationship situation. It's bald-faced selfishness. I can't believe you even brought that up.

Edited June 6, 2016 by kendahke