adilaurentis Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 Typically I'm very drawn to guys who have a good/satisfying job, driven, career-minded, and have clear goals in life, etc. I'm not talking about highly successful lawyers or doctors or something, but usually those "ambitious" qualities fit my personality and interests very well. However, during a recent conversation I had with this guy I've been seeing for a while, he had one of those days that he felt kind of down, and he told me that he didn't exactly like his job that much and he felt that he's not realizing his full potential and is only doing mindless work every day and going through the formalities. There's also not much chance for him to socialize with people at work either. So it's just a job that pays the bills and it doesn't really excite him in any way. He also said that since he used to be in the military, he doesn't really have a lot of skills that make him a marketable person in the job market right now. Now he's trying his best to figure out what he wants to get into next and hopefully get a new job in the near future. So this conversation got me worried a little because he's clearly in the woods about his life and career path right now. Some say that men need to feel like they are "winning" in life and it's just part of that "hunter" instinct, so if they don't, they are just not in the right mindset for relationships. He's a smart and nice guy, but I can't help but wonder that he's not stable professionally or financially that I don't want to get caught up in that and wait for him to figure his life out. Things were slowly getting serious between us but now I'm worried about being with someone who's stuck in an unhappy situation.
JustGettingBy Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 If he's either qualified for better work (or in the middle of becoming qualified) and showing an effort to one day get there, then he's probably worth a shot. If his mentality is 'just stay here forever, cause I'm never going to get anything better', then probably best you leave. 1
morrowrd Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 I think he sounds normal. I think I even remember days when I talked like that myself, it doesn't define one's ability to function, set goals, and improve themselves. Hell, that's exactly what they teach you in the military, adapt and improve things. Being dissatisfied with a job is step number one, I'm sure even you will be there one day. What happens afterwards is what counts. If he's bouncing stuff off of you, it's maybe because he trusts you enough to do so, give him some valuable feedback. 1
Tribble Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 How old is he if I may ask? And (not to sound too blunt here) but how much does he make? I'm not talking a figure, I'm asking is it minimum wage, average or big bucks? I think you're being a little harsh in your judgement of him. You say this came out after he had a bad day. We've all had them. I'm doing pretty well in my job and my career and overall, I love it. But some days, I just want to throw in the towel. I would hate for someone to judge my fitness for a relationship solely on the days when I'm feeling less than excited about my job. At the end of the day, people (usually) want to work to live, not the other way around. Sometimes our work isn't perfect. It'd be one thing if he was in a dead end job with no prospects and spent the entire time moaning about it. But that's not what I got from your post. You say things have slowly started to get serious. Could it be that you're using this as an excuse to get out? 1
BikerAccnt Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 At the end of the day, people (usually) want to work to live, not the other way around. Sometimes our work isn't perfect. It'd be one thing if he was in a dead end job with no prospects and spent the entire time moaning about it. But that's not what I got from your post. Exactly. I work to live, not the other way around. If I could not work, I wouldn't. Not that I'd just sit around doing nothing, but I'd much rather do what I choose, when I choose. But I HAVE to work to be able to do what I want on my limited time, I'm an accountant, make good money, and have most all that I need. But my job bores me to tears sometimes., Either bores me, or stresses me. I think that's the way of most jobs. Very few people, and none of my friends really, have jobs they are excited about. Even those I know who own business' aren't excited every single day. So, just because someone has a bad day and carps about it a bit...I'd cut him some slack. If he was really unhappy enough about his job, I'm sure he'd look for another. 5
Author adilaurentis Posted April 14, 2016 Author Posted April 14, 2016 How old is he if I may ask? And (not to sound too blunt here) but how much does he make? I'm not talking a figure, I'm asking is it minimum wage, average or big bucks? I think you're being a little harsh in your judgement of him. You say this came out after he had a bad day. We've all had them. I'm doing pretty well in my job and my career and overall, I love it. But some days, I just want to throw in the towel. I would hate for someone to judge my fitness for a relationship solely on the days when I'm feeling less than excited about my job. At the end of the day, people (usually) want to work to live, not the other way around. Sometimes our work isn't perfect. It'd be one thing if he was in a dead end job with no prospects and spent the entire time moaning about it. But that's not what I got from your post. You say things have slowly started to get serious. Could it be that you're using this as an excuse to get out? He's 29. Went to a military college and spent a few years in the army afterwards. Then he got a government contractor job, became unemployed for a few months after the contact ended, then got the current job (still government contract). Not sure how much he makes actually. I'd think it's an average pay position. He's definitely looking for new opportunities to hopefully get out of this job at some point soon, and maybe even relocate to another city if it comes down to that. From what I heard so far, it sounds like he's definitely looking to improve and better himself since he recognizes that he's just doing mindless work currently and is not realizing his full potential. The issue is that it doesn't seem like he really knows what area or expertise he can get into yet. He's exploring a bunch of fields hoping to acquire some necessary skills, so it's not like he's set in marketing and just wants to get a different marketing job. I understand that my post may come off a bit harsh here. I'm simply saying that I'd hope to find someone with the potential to build a long term relationship with and eventually settle down in the next few years. With this guy, though, I don't think he'd be in a "committed relationship" mindset at all until he's figured out his life/career situation.
losangelena Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 I understand that my post may come off a bit harsh here. I'm simply saying that I'd hope to find someone with the potential to build a long term relationship with and eventually settle down in the next few years. With this guy, though, I don't think he'd be in a "committed relationship" mindset at all until he's figured out his life/career situation. I don't think this is necessarily essential; people don't always figure things out in life in a linear fashion. Some people never really "settle" on a career/life path, yet they have plenty-fulfilling lives. That said, if you want to be with someone who DOES have his life/career situation figured out, if what he says troubles you, then you're well within your rights to stop dating him. He may never become what you want him to be. If what he says about his job consistently bothers you, then this is a likely incompatibility.
Author adilaurentis Posted April 14, 2016 Author Posted April 14, 2016 I think he sounds normal. I think I even remember days when I talked like that myself, it doesn't define one's ability to function, set goals, and improve themselves. Hell, that's exactly what they teach you in the military, adapt and improve things. Being dissatisfied with a job is step number one, I'm sure even you will be there one day. What happens afterwards is what counts. If he's bouncing stuff off of you, it's maybe because he trusts you enough to do so, give him some valuable feedback. True. I've definitely had bad days at work and I agree that most of us just work to live. I just feel like it's one thing to be dissatisfied with the employer or company for example, but another thing to not even know what you can or want to do. I mean, I'm not in a position to judge but it just got me concerned about where his head is when he doesn't feel valued or comfortable on a career path.
Larryville Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 He's a smart and nice guy, but I can't help but wonder that he's not stable professionally or financially that I don't want to get caught up in that and wait for him to figure his life out. No, don’t waste your time, because the deeper you get in this relationship and if he doesn’t “figure it out” he WILL take it out on you. Why “settling” in a relationship is a bad thing. Find someone who measures up to YOUR expectations and NEVER compromise.
Jejangles Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 I used to have a laissez-faire attitude to this. I dated a guy for 4 months once who was unemployed (with reason, he had just moved back from another country and the job market was in the toilet). Anyway, it was not a big deal to me, I figured he would find another job eventually and it would be fine. But then things were moving casually, then seemed to be moving backwards and so when I finally asked where he saw things going, he said staying casual because he was feeling low about his job situation and his self esteem had taken a hit. That is when I realised I was living in dreamland. I did not realise it at the time, but I have a good job with a decent income and own my own place, and that clearly made him feel unequal to me (as he was unemployed and temporarily living at his parents). And I now know it does not matter what job someone has, or what their living circumstance is - it matters how they feel about it and themselves. I would give your guy more time, one chat where he expresses dissatisfaction is perhaps an orange flag but not a bail out cue. But be aware of his overall attitude to himself and his life. If he is on a low streak and you have your ish figured out, you may find it causes problems down the road. I am now dating a guy in similar circumstances to me (good job, owns his own home etc) and it definitely makes things a lot easier.
BlueIris Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 He's 29. Went to a military college and spent a few years in the army afterwards. Then he got a government contractor job, became unemployed for a few months after the contact ended, then got the current job (still government contract). Not sure how much he makes actually. I'd think it's an average pay position. He's definitely looking for new opportunities to hopefully get out of this job at some point soon, and maybe even relocate to another city if it comes down to that. From what I heard so far, it sounds like he's definitely looking to improve and better himself since he recognizes that he's just doing mindless work currently and is not realizing his full potential. The issue is that it doesn't seem like he really knows what area or expertise he can get into yet. He's exploring a bunch of fields hoping to acquire some necessary skills, so it's not like he's set in marketing and just wants to get a different marketing job. I understand that my post may come off a bit harsh here. I'm simply saying that I'd hope to find someone with the potential to build a long term relationship with and eventually settle down in the next few years. With this guy, though, I don't think he'd be in a "committed relationship" mindset at all until he's figured out his life/career situation. No, I don't think you're being harsh. He's not ready in my opinion either. I just broke up with someone in January because he didn't address problems in his own life, one being his health and another being his financial and career crisis. It isn't the fact of the crises so much as not addressing them, or in my ex's case, giving lots of reasons why not to address them or to feel a sense of urgency and determination to address them. Before committing to a lifetime relationship I had to be confident that he was someone who took on problems that arise in life. He just didn't. You can't tell yet with the guy you're talking to. But the fact that he's looking for a relationship with that big piece of his life unsettled is not a good sign. I'd think that his focus should be on career and getting his ducks in a row before adding a relationship to his life. 1
Ajax Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 At first after reading this I thought you should give him a chance, but after reading more and thinking a bit harder I changed my mind. I do think you should end this situation (you never referred to it as a relationship), but not for the reasons you might think. As others have pointed out, not everybody develops their life linearly, and based on what you said, you have serious doubts about this man. Now I don't necessarily think you should end this because he isn't the man for you, but because you aren't really the person he needs right now. He opened up to you, which I'm sure wasn't easy for him to do. And instead of being understanding and supportive, which is what he really needs, you got out the microscope and put him under it, looking for signs of weakness. That is your right, and I'm not trying to level blame on you because you also deserve to be in the right relationship for you. But he also deserves a relationship in which he can feel comfortable opening up, being himself and not having to worry his partner is going to jump ship.
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