strong-hearted Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 Hi everyone I want to talk about being in a toxic relationship and the process of leaving. unfortunately I am going through it myself, this relationship has done so much mental damage. It's funny and idk if this happens often but yesterday morning I woke up and I just felt so different, as in this is the last straw that broke the cammel's hump, I had plans to move with this individual to Arizona and I got to the point that I just dgaf and I think it's the point of no return. At this point I feel like I might have dodged a bullet...what are your thoughts on this subject?
preraph Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 Sounds like you did all you could do and exhausted your store of knowledge and wisdom trying to fix it and now you know you can leave with a clear conscience because you did all you could. That is the peace of mind that we hope everyone reaches during their divorces, you know, that surety. So go and live your life you way now. Take time if you need to sneak things out and mail them so you don't have much to move and then leave while he's at work, leaving no forwarding address and preferably stay with someone for awhile so he can't find you as easily. Or if you think it's safe to return to family, but he'll find you there. 1
Author strong-hearted Posted April 14, 2016 Author Posted April 14, 2016 Yes, I did all I could possibly do to make the relationship work but when you feel unwanted, unappreciated and like you are being taken for granted I think it's time to go and get on with your life. I will admit it I love him but I don't think that's enough to make me stay I also wanted to mention that he is a little immature, manipulative and every time he does something and I call him out on it, he flips it around on me and like I said, I have had it. This whole time I've been with him I feel like I have lost my confidence self esteem and for some reason I feel like I have to compete with other women so he finds me attractive and I just can't do it anymore 1
ff12343 Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 You have to compete with other women? That's extremely one sided and not a relationship at all. Maybe with you gone he will realize but do it for your own sake. Not to make him change. Best of luck. 2
Author strong-hearted Posted April 14, 2016 Author Posted April 14, 2016 I am leaving the relationship because I feel like I am going insane. I need/want to be on my own or alone for a while to recover from this damage 1
Fruitee Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 No contact. Block. And delete this dude from your life. After mental abuse you will need lots of time to process. Go to therapy. Read books. Its good you have now noticed it is not working out and you have made the decision to move on. Now you need to be sad and process it all but also be strong. Dont let this dude back into your life 3
Author strong-hearted Posted April 14, 2016 Author Posted April 14, 2016 You know, it gets hard because when he contacts me, sometimes I give in. Even my mom pointed it out and I didn't want to see how toxic the relationship is. Like I said it has done a lot of mental damage to me to the point that I feel so drained 1
lilmissjava Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 You have to leave and as sure as the sun shines, you need to go no contact. That is the only way to start the healing process. The attachment you currently have to him that will be no more will become a shock to your system and you feelings of regret will come and go. It most certainly is a mixed bag of emotions when you leave a toxic relationship. I did the same a little more than a year ago. It was hard, but I did it. Let your emotions out, scream, cry, kick the air, throw your stuffed teddy bear. Do what you need to do and let the time pass because that is the only way you can start to move on. LS helped me every step of the way, just reading about other people's experiences that were the same. Good luck 3
Fruitee Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 ^Same here. Leaving was one of the hardest things I did. But also so right. 1
No_Go Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 If you feel drained = it is time to go I'm almost there myself, giving it the last push... In your case seems like you exhausted the 'push' options. Let him go. Find your happiness again. Nobody deserves to feel unwanted and unappreciated. You're strong. You'd be much better off without this 'boyfriend'. You know, it gets hard because when he contacts me, sometimes I give in. Even my mom pointed it out and I didn't want to see how toxic the relationship is. Like I said it has done a lot of mental damage to me to the point that I feel so drained 1
Lady2163 Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 Hi everyone I want to talk about being in a toxic relationship and the process of leaving. unfortunately I am going through it myself, this relationship has done so much mental damage. It's funny and idk if this happens often but yesterday morning I woke up and I just felt so different, as in this is the last straw that broke the cammel's hump, I had plans to move with this individual to Arizona and I got to the point that I just dgaf and I think it's the point of no return. At this point I feel like I might have dodged a bullet...what are your thoughts on this subject? My last 3.5 relationships have all been toxic, in different ways. My marriage and two ex boyfriends. I only count the rebound as .5. He was horrible as a rebound and boyfriend, but today he is one of my closest friends. I still care for him deeply, pretty sure he may have been my soul mate, but he was - and would be again today an awful partner. Great friend, lousy partner. I'm not sure why we stayed friends, probably because I cared for him and it grew from miserable destruction to a loyal friendship. Anyway, I don't think you were living with this man? So at least you don't have to worry about possessions being destroyed or sold without your knowledge. That's a bonus. It has been 13 years since my last toxic relationship ended. I really don't talk about them with the men I've casually dated, or just in the getting to know stages. I did at first. Now, if I'm asked, I talk a bit about the exH and I sort of combine the other three into one man. I don't want someone immjustnhetting to know all the crap I put up with. So, be mentally prepared to pick out 2-3 of your ex's worst characteristic and discuss ONLY those if someone new asks you why things ended If he was constantly making you compete against other women, that's a major one. Yup, I had that. Number 3 constantly told me how great his ex girlfriend was, how strong their bond and friendship was. How nobody could ever break that and how he would always be there for her no matter what. Today, if a man I was seeing said that, I'd beat a path to the door. Worse for my self esteem, his ex was tall, skinny, with long, flowing hair that came out of a bottle. I was short, medium build, bigger breasted, short hair, kind of an ordinary color. I felt like a frump. You may be hypersensitive to some of the negative things he did for many years. Number 3 was also a raging alcoholic who spent close to 80 hours a week in a bar. I'm a non drinker and being in a bar for hours on end was excruciating to me. There's so much else to do and see. To this day, I wouldn't go to a bar to just hang out for an evening. I'd be hard pressed to be convinced to go to a bar for a party or watch a sporting event. So I don't know what he did that was toxic, but if he was bad about being on time and ruined many evenings and events by being late, you may find yourself uncomfortable with someone who is frequently 5-15 minutes late, and doesn't call. So, my advice 1. Limit complaining to prospective boyfriends about the crap you've been through. Mete out that information slowly. 2. Be aware of your limits for things that could trigger you. If someone doesn't meet your standard on a regular basis for the limit, don't try to change them. Either accept it or let him go. 3. Depending on how toxic the relationship was, don't rule out seeing a counselor. They can give you some tips and ideas. Don't bother with a counselor if you can't tell them the 100% truth. 3
Author strong-hearted Posted April 14, 2016 Author Posted April 14, 2016 My last 3.5 relationships have all been toxic, in different ways. My marriage and two ex boyfriends. I only count the rebound as .5. He was horrible as a rebound and boyfriend, but today he is one of my closest friends. I still care for him deeply, pretty sure he may have been my soul mate, but he was - and would be again today an awful partner. Great friend, lousy partner. I'm not sure why we stayed friends, probably because I cared for him and it grew from miserable destruction to a loyal friendship. Anyway, I don't think you were living with this man? So at least you don't have to worry about possessions being destroyed or sold without your knowledge. That's a bonus. It has been 13 years since my last toxic relationship ended. I really don't talk about them with the men I've casually dated, or just in the getting to know stages. I did at first. Now, if I'm asked, I talk a bit about the exH and I sort of combine the other three into one man. I don't want someone immjustnhetting to know all the crap I put up with. So, be mentally prepared to pick out 2-3 of your ex's worst characteristic and discuss ONLY those if someone new asks you why things ended If he was constantly making you compete against other women, that's a major one. Yup, I had that. Number 3 constantly told me how great his ex girlfriend was, how strong their bond and friendship was. How nobody could ever break that and how he would always be there for her no matter what. Today, if a man I was seeing said that, I'd beat a path to the door. Worse for my self esteem, his ex was tall, skinny, with long, flowing hair that came out of a bottle. I was short, medium build, bigger breasted, short hair, kind of an ordinary color. I felt like a frump. You may be hypersensitive to some of the negative things he did for many years. Number 3 was also a raging alcoholic who spent close to 80 hours a week in a bar. I'm a non drinker and being in a bar for hours on end was excruciating to me. There's so much else to do and see. To this day, I wouldn't go to a bar to just hang out for an evening. I'd be hard pressed to be convinced to go to a bar for a party or watch a sporting event. So I don't know what he did that was toxic, but if he was bad about being on time and ruined many evenings and events by being late, you may find yourself uncomfortable with someone who is frequently 5-15 minutes late, and doesn't call. So, my advice 1. Limit complaining to prospective boyfriends about the crap you've been through. Mete out that information slowly. 2. Be aware of your limits for things that could trigger you. If someone doesn't meet your standard on a regular basis for the limit, don't try to change them. Either accept it or let him go. 3. Depending on how toxic the relationship was, don't rule out seeing a counselor. They can give you some tips and ideas. Don't bother with a counselor if you can't tell them the 100% truth. Yes, it is very difficult for me to pull me out of this situation, I am kind of scared of the pain a break up causes but then again I would rather feel that pain than sticking around with someone who just doesn't make me happy Another thing he does is flip everything around on me and make me look like the bad guy
Satu Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 snip Another thing he does is flip everything around on me and make me look like the bad guy Everyone is free to walk away from a relationship at any time. If you don't have that freedom, you're a hostage. Take care. 1
Author strong-hearted Posted April 14, 2016 Author Posted April 14, 2016 I'm trying to but I don't know how.
Satu Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 I'm trying to but I don't know how. In my opinion, that means that you don't want to. You think you should, but you don't want to. Thats ok. Things change. Take care. 1
Author strong-hearted Posted April 14, 2016 Author Posted April 14, 2016 Yeah that makes sense, I just need the strength to do so 1
misslotus Posted April 15, 2016 Posted April 15, 2016 but yesterday morning I woke up and I just felt so different I too have experienced this myself recently about two months ago. Dragged out a toxic relationship on and off for four years. One night it honestly just hit me out of nowhere and I thought to myself 'What am I doing? This is ridiculous.' And like you, I just stopped caring and the feelings just started to fade. It felt like the biggest weight lifted off my shoulders and its so nice not to be stressed out and emotionally drained constantly from the relationship.
Author strong-hearted Posted April 15, 2016 Author Posted April 15, 2016 That's exactly what it felt like, for some reason I felt so light. Before I would constantly be checking my phone hoping to see a text or a phone call from him but now I honestly don't even care and I am not responding to his texts as much
mortensorchid Posted April 15, 2016 Posted April 15, 2016 I've been in a few at times, either friendships or relationships. Looking back, the friendships in question were the more damaging ones, oddly enough, but they exist of course. As for what to do about it? No contact is the way to go. Move on and heal without that person, they will do nothing but damage to you and others around them. Of course if you are living with that person, all the more difficult, so you have to move out. 1
Author strong-hearted Posted April 15, 2016 Author Posted April 15, 2016 No thank goodness I am not living with him, however I did get the chance to live with him last year and honestly it did not go well, we treated eachother like crap and it was just painful. It was a bad experience so I don't thinking am willing to go through it again
Fruitee Posted April 15, 2016 Posted April 15, 2016 This is now just a start for your journey. It will take a lot of time and work to get over it. But one day you will wake up and be so happy you decided to start that journey. You will slowly learn to be without him. But it will take time and you probably have weak moments when you contact him. But you will get past it. Make your life comfortable and do things that you enjoy. Take the time and it will get easier. Good luck!
Protec Posted April 15, 2016 Posted April 15, 2016 Im in toxic relationship too. Again. My gf has bipolar disorder and I must admit this is becoming too hard for me to handle. I have crazy stamina and lots of energy...but the constant mood swings are too much. I don't know what to believe anymore. One moment she says I am the love of her life and dreams about trips together and eve marriage (talked about honeymoon trip). Then suddenly she can become cold, distant and tells me I should leave her and she doesn't see future for us. Then suddenly again she comes close to me, tells me how good I feel etc. This all can happen in few hours. I believe there is something wrong with her medicating right now and she doesn't tell me.
Author strong-hearted Posted April 15, 2016 Author Posted April 15, 2016 Dealing with something like that must be very painful. One thing I don't understand is why is it so hard for me to leave him? Why do I allow him to manipulate me? Being in a toxic relationship it just messes you up in every way possible.
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