Lostgirl186 Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 Oh where to start. I'm new here, have been lurking for a few days to see if there are any similar situations. Long story short... I have had an innapropriate "relationship" with a coworker for a little over a year. I say that loosely bc there hasn't ever been anyone confessing feelings for each other or anything like that.. No daily contact etc.. We worked in the same building for about three years.. He is a few years older, a boss over a department (not my department) and a higher up member in the community and church so I never imagined anything would happen.. I had never strayed from my marriage, as unhappy as I've been and I do not know if he had prior. Somehow, innocent flirtation started..which led to talking about boring sex lives, etc.. We would chat after everyone had left for the day on the afternoons.. I found out I was relocating across town to one of our other offices, and about a month before time for me to leave, he makes a pass..which led to some innappropriate touching.. He proceeded to ignore me daily for about a month... Two weeks before time for me to go, he slid his hand up my dress in his office one day... Same pattern, ignored me for a month or so.. I relocated, only seeing him during company functions etc.. We began talking they text some, basically flirting.. About three months into the move, we wound up in the same office one afternoon and couldn't keep our hands off of each other.. He would always stop it right before sex.. And then ignore me for a few weeks.. We followed this pattern for over a year.. The phone sex etc began a few months ago following the same pattern, an incident and then he pulls away. Fast forward to the beginning of this year, we meet in the parking lot, just to mess around and one thing leads to another.. And we have quickie..and both immediately leave. He tells me right after he feels bad and thinks it's better if we just be friends.. I tell him the next week that I don't agree... He ignores me for a month or so... We have another phone sex incident.. And he completely pulls away, hardly answers my texts, doesn't speak to me when he sees me, etc.. Fast forward to two weeks ago.. His wife goes out of town, we end up in bed together, I leave right after... I know it's wrong.. I guess I just need to know how to break this pattern. I fully admit it is me who instigates.. He's like a drug.. He makes me so mad when he wont respond to me and it's like it fuels me.. I need to break this hot and cold pattern and get on with my life because I'm starting to develop feelings.. He always pulls away after anything happens and acts like nothing happened.. And then a month or so later we are back in the same pattern even though the sex has only happened twice. I guess I just needed to vent.. What are the rules? How often do you contact? Does your mm ever pull away after sex or fooling around? How to you get out and move on?!
anika99 Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 Muster up some self respect. A woman who respects herself doesn't let a man use her body and then come back for more after a month of being ignored. A man doesn't respect a woman who lets herself be used that way. If you open your eyes to how poorly you are treating yourself perhaps that will help you leave him alone. 7
bathtub-row Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 I'm not typically into physical reactions but I'm pretty sure I would have slapped this guy in the face a long time ago. I can't imagine why you allow someone to treat you on such a way and why you have so little self respect. But you do and I think that's the bigger question. Why do you allow this and why do you keep sticking your neck out so that it can get chopped off? And the "because I love him" answer isn't good enough. 1
privategal Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 He would probably like to get out and move on too but free sex, forbidden sex, is enticing and hard to turn down. Its like if you are on a diet and KNOW if you want to be healthy you need to avoid the toxic unhealthy food but you go to the picnic, its RIGHT there, free, easy to pick up and put on your plate, its so hard in the moment, you cave. You develop feelings for the man who opens doors for you, is proud to introduce you, brings you soup when you are sick, picks up feminine products during pms because you are out of commission, watches your favorite tv shows that he hates because he wants to make you happy, spends a quiet night in when the guys are all going out, dries your tears when something broke your heart.... You DONT develop feelings for someone who makes time for moments at a time for rushed, guilty, secret sex then ignores you as if you are a fungus or poison or enemy when you have offered your body and heart. Those things are sacred. How to stop and get out? Heres how: -stop -get out 3
BuddyX Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 "Higher member in the church community" hmmm how despicable. He's a low life. Run honey. He's no good for you. 1
AlwaysGrowing Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 Get yourself into IC to find out where your fear of rejection resides....and why.
bathtub-row Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 "Higher member in the church community" hmmm how despicable. So typical, though. 2
newuser62 Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 He has a quick supply, you are it, you are willing anytime he wants. Get some self respect and tell him to stop and you wont do this. He is telling you he doesn't want to do this until you make it obvious that you will. I am not sure this is even a real post, because it is so ridiculous.
Grey Cloud Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 It's simple - he comes to you when he is horny. Then he feels some type of guilt and tries to forget about you but the forbidden is tempting and you are willing! Have you ever thought about telling him to F off?! This situation is a MESS and I feel sorry for your husband. Why don't you focus on him then waiting for the breadcrumbs. You say you are developing feelings for this MM. You have feelings for someone who ignores you for a month after something sexual happens? That ain't feelings, that is a full on unhealthy ADDICTION.
ashley1992 Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 hii.. i know it seems hard to stop as you like the feeling of it.. but think of the times hes made u feel weak, used and disrespected! i think u seem like a smart person.. and deserves someone who will be on ur level.. and has respect for yourself and ur body.. its better to leave now than to let the feelings develop and u fall in love.. it would become a mess and would create tension in all areas of your life! what adivce would u give to someone who was going through this? maybe apply it to yourself. stay strong x
Cloudcuckoo Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 Oh where to start. I'm new here, have been lurking for a few days to see if there are any similar situations. Long story short... I have had an innapropriate "relationship" with a coworker for a little over a year. I say that loosely bc there hasn't ever been anyone confessing feelings for each other or anything like that.. No daily contact etc.. We worked in the same building for about three years.. He is a few years older, a boss over a department (not my department) and a higher up member in the community and church so I never imagined anything would happen.. I had never strayed from my marriage, as unhappy as I've been and I do not know if he had prior. Somehow, innocent flirtation started..which led to talking about boring sex lives, etc.. We would chat after everyone had left for the day on the afternoons.. I found out I was relocating across town to one of our other offices, and about a month before time for me to leave, he makes a pass..which led to some innappropriate touching.. He proceeded to ignore me daily for about a month... Two weeks before time for me to go, he slid his hand up my dress in his office one day... Same pattern, ignored me for a month or so.. I relocated, only seeing him during company functions etc.. We began talking they text some, basically flirting.. About three months into the move, we wound up in the same office one afternoon and couldn't keep our hands off of each other.. He would always stop it right before sex.. And then ignore me for a few weeks.. We followed this pattern for over a year.. The phone sex etc began a few months ago following the same pattern, an incident and then he pulls away. Fast forward to the beginning of this year, we meet in the parking lot, just to mess around and one thing leads to another.. And we have quickie..and both immediately leave. He tells me right after he feels bad and thinks it's better if we just be friends.. I tell him the next week that I don't agree... He ignores me for a month or so... We have another phone sex incident.. And he completely pulls away, hardly answers my texts, doesn't speak to me when he sees me, etc.. Fast forward to two weeks ago.. His wife goes out of town, we end up in bed together, I leave right after... I know it's wrong.. I guess I just need to know how to break this pattern. I fully admit it is me who instigates.. He's like a drug.. He makes me so mad when he wont respond to me and it's like it fuels me.. I need to break this hot and cold pattern and get on with my life because I'm starting to develop feelings.. He always pulls away after anything happens and acts like nothing happened.. And then a month or so later we are back in the same pattern even though the sex has only happened twice. I guess I just needed to vent.. What are the rules? How often do you contact? Does your mm ever pull away after sex or fooling around? How to you get out and move on?! This is just the worst kind of 'push pull' behaviour simply because it's all so terribly 'schoolboy'... Honestly, gather your self respect and send him back to school so he can learn to grow up! Cuckoo
waterwoman Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 "Somehow, innocent flirtation started..which led to talking about boring sex lives, etc" I don't think that the words 'innocent flirting' and 'talking about boring sex lives' belong in the same sentence. Not to mention 'Two weeks before time for me to go, he slid his hand up my dress in his office one day" should have earned him a slap! Or at least a visit from HR! Unbelievable!!
lemondrop21 Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 I'm not going to scold you and so on, because it seems like on some level you've been enjoying it as much as he has (although some part of you wants to end it, hence your posting here). You portray this affair as almost entirely sexual. That's a blessing, as those are the easiest types of affairs to get out of. Based on the way you write, it sounds to me like any emotional attachment you have to this guy is superficial and related to the push-pull, "game" aspect of it all. I'd take this as a wake up call to figure out how you can spice up your sex life within your marriage. It may seem near impossible, but at least your libido is up, right? If sex is the only issue in your marriage then I think you should do everything you can to address that issue.. once you've exhausted all possibilities, you can either leave the marriage (unlikely) or continue to get your needs met outside of your marriage. I personally don't condone that solution but frankly, there are a lot of people in this world who are doing just that. If you can keep yourself from getting emotionally attached, it can work. But I bet you can find a sex partner who is on the same page as you and willing to be up front about the situation, instead of dragging you through this push-pull emotional drama. Your MM sounds childish.
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