I'm still struggling to accept it's over

April 17, 2016

Sorry that you're hurting.

You met quite young and are both still growing.

It seems that he has grown into someone rather different from the person you knew and loved.

All you can do is move on to better things, when your healing is done.

In the meantime, No Contact will make that healing quicker and easier.

I'd recommend that you don't jump into a rebound relationship, as some people do. It just makes things more complicated.

Keep posting your thoughts - it does help.

Take care.

April 17, 2016

Honestly the reason I'm so hung up on this is because of how fast he changed.

The very same day that he dumped me I was with him and I wasn't very well. I had a bad case of tonsillitis. He was rushing around after me, fetching me drinks and ice cream - 4 hours later he dumps me and refuses to speak to me.

Ironically within this 4 hours he had been with his favourite people ever - his co-workers. I don't know if this has something to do with it, but I doubt he'd have dumped me if he'd have been sat at home alone.

I was convinced I'd marry this guy, have babies with him. Has anyone else been in this boat before? I'm sure it's the disappointment that comes with it that makes the situation worse..

April 17, 2016

I have been where you are, at least to an extent.

I was with an ex for almost 8 years, we lived together for about 6.5 of those. Unlike your ex, mine was quite committed the first 6 or so years. We had plans to marry as well. In the last year, he started growing very distant, spending all his time at work and with colleagues. Staying out late. He was a very different person and we drifted.

After we broke up, I found out he'd been unfaithful to me with a colleague - for at least a few months before we split, perhaps even longer. I think the only reason I wasn't totally devastated by this news was because we'd grown apart and I was starting to lose interest in him too. But all those nights out? I now know who he was really spending time with.

I'm sorry you're so hurt. I know it's very hard. But the way he chose to end it says a lot about who this guy is now. People change, and sometimes it's not for the better. You deserve a heck of a lot more. If you haven't done so, delete him from any social media so you are not in the loop about his activity regarding this female coworker. Maintain No Contact. It's a great way to preserve your sanity.

April 17, 2016

Honestly the reason I'm so hung up on this is because of how fast he changed.

The very same day that he dumped me I was with him and I wasn't very well. I had a bad case of tonsillitis. He was rushing around after me, fetching me drinks and ice cream - 4 hours later he dumps me and refuses to speak to me.

Ironically within this 4 hours he had been with his favourite people ever - his co-workers. I don't know if this has something to do with it, but I doubt he'd have dumped me if he'd have been sat at home alone.

I was convinced I'd marry this guy, have babies with him. Has anyone else been in this boat before? I'm sure it's the disappointment that comes with it that makes the situation worse..

It's very understandable that you feel this way.

You can hold your head up and look the world in the eye, because you kept your part of the bargain, and have done nothing wrong.

Your integrity is 100% intact.

That's important.

April 17, 2016

Well guys just a quick update-

Today I found out from a family member who works with my ex that he is travelling to Canada next month with his best friend to get laid.

I KNEW ALL ABOUT this trip whilst my ex was with me!! His best friend was travelling to meet a girl in Canada to lose his virginity because basically he's a massive loser and has no friends from the UK (Where we live) At the time my ex seemed very annoyed about this. He kept claiming his best friend would come back from Canada 'More experienced than him sexually as this girl is a 'freak in the bedroom''

Now I find out he's flying out with his best friend to do exactly what his best friend is doing. I'm disgusted and shaken up. I don't know this guy at all anymore. Why on earth is he travelling across the world to get laid???? By the same girl that his FRIEND is getting laid by? Disgusting. I feel sick to my stomach, I'm in tears.

April 17, 2016

Also to add - I never liked his best friend. He was an incredibly weird guy. Socially awkward and 100% a cliche 'nerd' type character. Whenever I used to see him he would blank me and only speak to my ex. My ex would tell me that it was because he was awkward around women.

He only speaks to women from different countries and he's even gotten into this disgusting 'mail order bride' type business. How could my ex be lead by THAT?>???????? He had a perfectly good relationship and now it's becoming clearer and clearer as to WHY he f*cking left me. So he could pursue chasing women from overseas with his creepy best friend who is obsessed with my little pony.

April 17, 2016

Well guys just a quick update-

Today I found out from a family member who works with my ex that he is travelling to Canada next month with his best friend to get laid.

I KNEW ALL ABOUT this trip whilst my ex was with me!! His best friend was travelling to meet a girl in Canada to lose his virginity because basically he's a massive loser and has no friends from the UK (Where we live) At the time my ex seemed very annoyed about this. He kept claiming his best friend would come back from Canada 'More experienced than him sexually as this girl is a 'freak in the bedroom''

Now I find out he's flying out with his best friend to do exactly what his best friend is doing. I'm disgusted and shaken up. I don't know this guy at all anymore. Why on earth is he travelling across the world to get laid???? By the same girl that his FRIEND is getting laid by? Disgusting. I feel sick to my stomach, I'm in tears.

How did you find this out, exactly?

April 17, 2016

For peace of mind and quicker healing:

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

April 17, 2016

Well guys just a quick update-

Today I found out from a family member who works with my ex that he is travelling to Canada next month with his best friend to get laid.

I KNEW ALL ABOUT this trip whilst my ex was with me!! His best friend was travelling to meet a girl in Canada to lose his virginity because basically he's a massive loser and has no friends from the UK (Where we live) At the time my ex seemed very annoyed about this. He kept claiming his best friend would come back from Canada 'More experienced than him sexually as this girl is a 'freak in the bedroom''

Now I find out he's flying out with his best friend to do exactly what his best friend is doing. I'm disgusted and shaken up. I don't know this guy at all anymore. Why on earth is he travelling across the world to get laid???? By the same girl that his FRIEND is getting laid by? Disgusting. I feel sick to my stomach, I'm in tears.

He's your ex- you should tell your relative you do not need this kind of update. In fact - you don't need, or want ANY update!

Also to add - I never liked his best friend. He was an incredibly weird guy. Socially awkward and 100% a cliche 'nerd' type character. Whenever I used to see him he would blank me and only speak to my ex. My ex would tell me that it was because he was awkward around women.

He only speaks to women from different countries and he's even gotten into this disgusting 'mail order bride' type business. How could my ex be lead by THAT?>???????? He had a perfectly good relationship and now it's becoming clearer and clearer as to WHY he f*cking left me. So he could pursue chasing women from overseas with his creepy best friend who is obsessed with my little pony.

Totally irrelevant.

I repeat.

He's your ex. Out of your life.

You shouldn't know anything about him at all!

April 19, 2016

Hello everyone.

I've been on this website ever since my ex of 4.5 years dumped me out of the blue one day. I've posted a few times about the situation but I've never really truly poured my heart out because until now I've felt pretty locked down by things that happened during the relationship and break up, so I think this has stopped me from getting much needed advice.

To start off early - my ex was my first boyfriend. Now I look back he wasn't 'man of the year' he left me on my own during the stillbirth of our daughter. He never wanted her in the first place but to be honest with you guys at the time we were both so young that I didn't blame him for anything. Now I look back and his behaviour was disgusting, regardless as to his age. The stillbirth happened when I was 17 and he was 18, in the first year of our relationship.

Around this time he also had a 'short fuse' as I'd call it. One day he got so angry at me during an argument that he went to punch me in the stomach. He cried for hours from the guilt and sought out therapy which seemed to work. I didn't mention it from that point as I knew one mention of it would send him downhill again.

As time went on he got slightly better, more attentive and loving. I needed this more than anything because I have a rough home life. My twin brother is severely disabled and violent and I have been his carer for years along with my mom and dad. This would often result in me getting beaten within an inch of my life by my brother and I'd still have to get up and go on with my life. My ex knew all about this, I poured it all into him as I needed someones support. He would often come over and clean my wounds for me, he really seemed to care.

After he dumped me I found out through a mutual friend that my ex had apparently been spreading rumours around his workplace about me and my brother. He had been telling EVERYONE our business and laughing at my brother, calling him retarded and disgusting things like that. I was horrified, this wasn't the guy I had been with for 4.5 years. This wasn't the guy that had cleaned my wounds and held me whilst I cried. Plus I had no idea as to why he was spreading things about me when HE was the one to dump me. He was the one to break my heart - I was innocent.

I then did something I regret as I stooped so low. I was so angry that I sought out 2 of his closest friends on facebook and messaged them about my ex. I told them that I would appreciate it if they ALL stopped laughing at me and my family. I told them all about how my ex had left me during the birth of our daughter and how he had punched me - I told them that they needed to get educated about their 'amazing best friend' as in reality he was spiteful and malicious. Of course they blocked me after I sent these messages, and so did my ex. No surprises there!!

Last week after things had settled down and I had cleared my head I decided to text my ex to say I was sorry for messaging his friends. I typed him out a massive paragraph and explained myself, I told him I wasn't bitter towards him anymore but I just wished that he hadn't divulged people on mine and my brothers circumstances as he knows how hard that hits home for me. Of course he never responded to me, why would he? I'd previously told 2 of his friends that he had punched me in the past and abandoned his responsibilities, he is probably swimming in anger and shame as we speak.

Despite all of this I am still struggling to accept the break up has happened. It was so out of the blue - This time 2-3 months ago if someone had told me I would be single I would've honestly laughed in their face as things seemed to be going so smoothly for once. We seemed to have gotten over all past issues but obviously I was wrong.

He ended it over a text message and refused to take any calls from me, his excuse was that he wanted to be alone and that he had decided he didn't want a girlfriend anymore. How does someone suddenly just decide that? It's a pretty big decision to suddenly just make.

I'm so angry because I realised that everything he has done with his life has been a product of ME helping him and spurring him on, his biggest fan. I was the ladder for him to get up and when he got to where he wanted to be he kicked the ladder from underneath him.

He was 18 when we got together, unemployed, no education, couldn't even afford a mobile phone because his parents wouldn't bail him out as they said he was simply 'lazy' which was true. Within 6 months of him being with me I had managed to secure him a place at a local business college and he told me he'd always wanted to study business - I managed this because my dad was the head professor there. He passed his course with flying colours, he got top grades and I was so proud of him. Months later I also managed to find him the job he is currently in, his parents had been complaining he needed to work for a while so I went out of my way and AGAIN secured him an interview for his current workplace. I was only 17 at the time. Ironically he is still at that workplace, works part time hours and he screwed me over so that he could hang around with co-workers constantly. He would break plans with me so he could be with them. He also claimed during our relationship that I was a 'gold digger' even though I stayed with him for 1.5 years whilst he was unemployed and just used to sit around playing video games

I helped him do all of this and he's just screwed me over. I'm left crying and depressed every single night whilst he's out having fun with co-workers that I f*cking helped him meet!!! Maybe this is my fault and if I hadn't gotten him into college and a job then he'd have never left me. Not to mention - 1 month before he dumped me over a f*cking text I helped him pass his driving test by staying up until 4 in the morning when I had work the same day to help him revise for his test and even then he only managed to pass by 1 point, so if I hadn't helped him revise his sorry ass would've never passed.

I know I sound incredibly harsh to him in all of this but it's part of my venting stage. When I look back there was NOTHING redeeming about him that would make a lady think 'Wow, I NEED this guy' but I just loved him so damn much that it didn't matter.

I don't think I'll ever hear from him again, he probably thinks I'm the Wicked Witch of the West from how I messaged his friends but perhaps that's for the best as I don't think he would've ever wanted me back.

Thank you for reading my vent - I'd like some insight and advice from you guys because deep down I'm still going abit crazy.

Thanks!!!

April 19, 2016

There's a lot of giving on your part but very little receiving. Giving so much of yourself even when you're getting little to nothing in return. Then when it all goes to hell, you sit back and feel resentful.

Short of being his mother -- getting him into school, getting him a job, helping him get his drivers license, cellphone, etc. -- when were you going to step back and allow him to learn how to maneuver his way into being responsible rather than enable his lazy ways and path his way for him? It's one thing if he was giving back to you -- if he was kind and loving, generous with his affection, being mentally and emotionally present, supportive, making an effort, etc. and you wanted to give back and reciprocate. I have to wonder if you were trying to be the best girlfriend ever to buy/secure his love/attention/care. Think about it.

I hope you never hear from him again. You deserve better and the next time you enter into a relationship, find balance. It's a wonderful trait to be nurturing and giving -- but with that also comes boundaries.

Move on from this. Block him. Do not make contact. And no, you are not the Wicked Witch but if that helped shut the door to him, then it's a good thing. You sound like a very resilient, ambitious and resourceful person -- you should aim higher. Expect better for yourself -- have standards and expectations. You're a kind and generous person -- save it for someone that is going to treat you like the gem you are. And don't ever tolerate abuse, in any form. You're young and you have years ahead of you, so don't tarnish it with these types. Learn from this very valuable lesson.

You're going to be fine. It's going to take time to heal but you'll get there. Stay strict NC, please.

April 19, 2016

When I look back there was NOTHING redeeming about him that would make a lady think 'Wow, I NEED this guy' but I just loved him so damn much that it didn't matter.

It didn't matter that he had no redeeming qualities -- yet, what did you love so damn much about him?

This is not love. This is a toxic attachment. Co-dependence.

Edited April 19, 2016 by Zahara

April 19, 2016

Good that you're typing this all out so that you can dump it.

Looking back at your previous threads, it would seem that you were unhappy with a lot of what was going on in the relationship. Did you sometimes express your displeasure at how the relationship was going? Him not going out with you? The woman at his work? Him not wanting to spend money on a holiday? If so, it would be a very fair reason for him to end things. Thing is if he was happy with himself and his decisions, then hearing you complain (rightly or wrongly) leaves him with only one choice - to leave.

When you're feeling sad about the end of this, go back over your old threads and remind yourself how unhappy you were with him. He's done you a favour by leaving.

Lastly, I strongly advise you to cut his parents some slack on the financial front. They were right in not buying him stuff. By withholding money, their goal was to force him into getting up off his rear end and getting education or employment. However, you came along and did it all for him. Having you using contacts and finding jobs for him meant that he walked away with still no experience on how motivate himself to find a job, nor the skills required to do so. You became a helicopter parent, doing it all for him.

April 19, 2016

Hey guys, I'm on this forum alot these days. I guess you're all getting sick of seeing my name, haha!

To cut a long story short, my ex of 4.5 years ended our relationship out of the blue around 2 months ago. When I asked him for answers he told me he just wanted to be alone and single. I asked him if there was anyone else involved and he told me no, he said he didn't want another girlfriend for a long time as he just wanted to spend time fixing himself and figuring out who he was.

Anyway, I found out tonight in the most awful, ironic way that he is seeing someone new.

I was browsing a gaming forum that we both used to use to play our favourite game. I saw in the 'general advice' section that he had posted a question. I KNEW from his username that it was him.

I opened the question presuming he would just be talking about games or family problems, instead he had asked for advice on how he broke up with his ex '2 months ago' after he had been with her for '4.5 years' as he has a new girlfriend and doesn't want me getting involved.

I didn't post anything, instead I blocked the post as I didn't want to see it anymore. Then I came right over to Love Shack as I've found it's a good place for me to vent and not go too crazy or do anything stupid.

Honestly, WHAT THE F*CK???? He ended a relationship with me claiming he didn't want a girlfriend and now he has someone new!!! How on earth does that even remotely work? How could he be so adamant that he wanted/needed time alone and then go and jump into another womans bed?

The worst part about this is that I know it's true. He wouldn't have just posted it to get my attention because when we broke up he blocked me on this gaming forum but forgot that blocking someone doesn't stop them from seeing your posts, it just stops you messaging them.

I know you guys will probably just tell me it's none of my business and to move on but I'm in absolute shock. His only excuse for ending our relationship was that he wanted to be single, and now he's in another relationship. He broke my heart completely claiming he wanted to be single and then he went and got with someone else. How could he do this??

Please offer me advice, I'm going crazy.

April 19, 2016

This illustrates very well why no contact is a good idea.

If you hadn't read what he wrote, you wouldn't be upset about it.

Apart from that, he lied.

Many dumpers do give bogus reasons for breaking up. Sometimes its to avoid hurting the dumpee, and sometimes its to avoid looking like 'the bad guy.'

Some times they lie just because dishonesty is part of their character.

I'm sorry you're hurting, but I honestly think that strict No Contact is a good idea.

Don't bring down hurt upon yourself.

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

Take care.

April 19, 2016

so sorry you are dealing with this situation 4.5years is a long time to be with someone to have them give such a vague explanation as to why they wanted to end things...

But for your sake I would advise not taking it on. just let him do whatever and focus on healing yourself. It most likely was lie he told you and perhaps he was interested in this op before you guys broke up but didnt know how to say it.

either way you deserve to move on without him. he wasn't man enough to be real and its such a public place for him to go on a site where he knows both of you freqent

April 19, 2016

He WAS single, apparently. For two whole months. This day was inevitable. It doesn't mean he didn't love you at some point, or that he even wanted somebody new when he broke up with you. You may wonder how he could want this so quickly, but you're measuring things with your heart, and not his.

Step into the heart of a person that ends a 4.5 year relationship so that they can "be single". If you can do that, then what you'll really wonder is what took him so long.

April 19, 2016

Very few people leave a relationship to pursue a life of celibacy...

April 19, 2016

I'm just hurting so badly.

2 months ago he was cuddled up in bed with me, life was normal and routine.

Now he is going to be sharing all of that with someone else, that woman isn't me. How could he do that after so many years together? How could someone just fall so comfortably into a new relationship after all we went through together?

The worst part about this was that he told me he still loved me when he ended it. He said of course he still loved me but he just couldn't be with me as it wasn't right anymore. He still loved me yet he's hopped onto someone new?

April 19, 2016

You said in your other thread that this guy had no redeeming qualities about him -- and the only reason why you were with him was because you were in love with this abusive, , irresponsible, lazy and aimless manchild. And now you're surprised that he lied about his intent for ending the relationship? Are you serious? You expect intergrity and honesty from someone like him?

Block him on everything. Stop accessing places where you know he may be hanging around. Focus on rebuilding your self-esteem.

April 19, 2016

When I asked him for answers he told me he just wanted to be alone and single. I asked him if there was anyone else involved and he told me no, he said he didn't want another girlfriend for a long time as he just wanted to spend time fixing himself and figuring out who he was.

Always distrust the bolded words. People who say that usually have no intention to be alone at all. It is an excuse.

Be happy you saw it, know you at least know what he is made of. I am sorry for your pain though. I have been in your position once with a girl. The relation lasted not that long as with you, but it did hurt a lot.

Be kind to yourself.

April 19, 2016

Rarely when people break up with you out of the blue is it for the reason they say. There always seems to be someone else they want to pursue being the real reason. OP I'm not surprised one bit. Now you know so continue NC and don't read anymore of his posts. Now you know to move on.

April 19, 2016

I'm just hurting so badly.

2 months ago he was cuddled up in bed with me, life was normal and routine.
Now he is going to be sharing all of that with someone else, that woman isn't me. How could he do that after so many years together? How could someone just fall so comfortably into a new relationship after all we went through together?

The worst part about this was that he told me he still loved me when he ended it. He said of course he still loved me but he just couldn't be with me as it wasn't right anymore. He still loved me yet he's hopped onto someone new?

How and why doesn't really matter.

He ended it.

What matters now is how you are going to deal with it.

You should make your own wellbeing your top priority and sole focus.

Cry your tears, rage against fate, and do your grieving.

And when you've done that you can find someone MUCH nicer than this guy.

It won't be hard to find someone nicer

Take care.

April 20, 2016

I'm just hurting so badly.

2 months ago he was cuddled up in bed with me, life was normal and routine.
Now he is going to be sharing all of that with someone else, that woman isn't me. How could he do that after so many years together? How could someone just fall so comfortably into a new relationship after all we went through together?

The worst part about this was that he told me he still loved me when he ended it. He said of course he still loved me but he just couldn't be with me as it wasn't right anymore. He still loved me yet he's hopped onto someone new?

He probably does still love you as a person and your shared history. He just fell out of love with you. The things you are describing above happens to everyone when they break up. That's just the way it is in love. I know; it's very hard.

April 20, 2016

I know it's probably hard to believe, but he may have meant it when he said he didn't want another girlfriend for a long time. Then, he changed his mind when another woman who showed interest came along.

I know it sucks, but, it happens all the time. And honestly, as a guy, I somewhat understand it. For us men, the quickest way to move on, is..well, to move on. We spend a limited/fixed amount of time ruminating about a problem, then we move past it. This includes oftentimes, finished relationships. It's over, done. How long are we going to "cry" over it. It doesn't mean you weren't loved, it doesn't mean he still doesn't "love" you in some ways. But he knows it's time to get on with life.

I think women would sometimes be better off to use a little bit of the same strategy. Now I'm not talking all women of course, but in general, women tend to think on things, and talk them out, much longer than we men. Sometimes I think all that talking, rather than taking action, prolongs the pain. Sometimes you have to decide to stop talking, stop thinking, and just do.

Anway, it appears he has moved on, and you'll drive yourself nuts trying to figure out why or how so fast. Just. Stop. Take a cue from him, pick yourself up, put on your big girl panties, and try to move on.

I'm not trying to be harsh, but you need to concern yourself with you, not him.

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I'm still struggling to accept it's over

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