My boyfriend isn't as comforting

[Ashley S]

Hello all. I haven't been on here in awhile, but nice to be on Loveshack again. am concerned because I feel like my boyfriend isn't comforting like he was. I fell in love with the "nice guy" that showed me love and compassion all the time. When he had a job where he had to leave the house at 5am he would send me a text to wake up to that would say "good morning beautiful, hope you have a good day :)" All those little sweet things went away it seems. He's distant, not comforting, doesn't seem to care, but yet tells me all the time that if he didn't love me he wouldn't be with me, but it's hard for me to believe that he's in love with me when he seems to be selfish, and doesn't care about me, and has changed.

 

I also told him countless times to be more comforting and more caring towards me, but he has not. he doesn't seem appreciative of what I do for him, but when I bring it to his attention, he always says "I do appreciate you." but he doesn't seem to show it. He doesn't say " love you" first, i'm very caring and considerate of his feelings. Everytime I tried to break up with him though because I feel like I am unimportant he always tries to get me back, and is always the one first to message me or call me saying "I love you. You're my everything." etc. He always wanted me back, and never wanted to break up, but I thought I was doing him a favor? It's all weird to me because when he's with me, he makes it seem like I am a nuisance and he doesn't want to be around me, but yet when I break up with him, he begs and messages, texts, and calls me to get me back. I am so confused, what does this sound like to you? Is he too comfortable in the relationship? I don't understand him.

[Ashley S]

This is quite embarrassing to put out there, but I feel like I should be honest. This is my first boyfriend. My first of everything. I lost my virginity to him at the age of 21, and I am now 22 years old. I wasn't trying to be like all the other girls that regretted their first love, so I was holding out for the right one, but I thought he was the right one because he literally wouldn't stop or give up for about 4 months, and just showed me so much love and compassion. Didn't force sex either because he knew I was a virgin. He just seemed like the most caring, sweet guy I've ever met. He really took his time with me, and even said to me "I don't care about sex, all I care about is spending my time with you." He wanted us to be official, and when I felt comfortable to lose my virignity to him. He never forced it, so I thought he really really loved me and was just in love with me, my character, and my personality. So, I don't know much about relationships. I don't really know anything about having a relationship since this is my first one. So, I need some guidance on this behavior from him, if it's normal or not? He just drastically changed and became distant, "seems" (I am not saying he is) uncaring, and just doesn't really care about us like I do. That's how i perceive it. Thanks.

[Cinnamonstix]

It sounds like your needs aren't being met and he is all talk and no action. Based on that alone, I would walk. However, there could be more to it than what you are saying. It would be helpful to know:

 

How long have you been together?

Did he stop putting in effort after you had sex?

Have you changed at all since the beginning of your relationship?

[TaraMaiden2]

Ashley, I hate to tell you, but I think you've grown up with - and have been fed - the unreal expectations so common in chick-flicks and Walt Disney 'Romantic' feature-film cartoons....

And your 'honeymoon period' is over.

Life is settling into a domesticated routine, where such romance and heart-warming gestures are gradually toned down, as both partners realise this is ok, it's good, we're exclusive, and life rumbles on.

 

It doesn't stay "swept off my feet" for ever.

Sure, it would be wonderful if it did, but it can't.

Some women would find it overwhelming, stifling, too much.

Others - like yourself - feel the need for affection to be visibly demonstrated, instead of implied or taken as read.

 

The other thing is, you're still very young.

I know, I know - it's a cliche older people seem to throw about with regular abandon - but sadly, that's because we ARE older and some of us have been where you are now.

 

I don't know how to break this to you, but while it's not unheard of, it's not common for first loves to be lasting....

So my suggestion to you would be to relax a little, let things flow, and see how things develop....

But don't pin all your hopes, dreams and aspirations on this.

Just because you gave your virginity to him, is no indication of permanence.

[GorillaTheater]

I see a couple of different facets to this situation.

 

 

1) It's possible that your expectations are too high, either due to your admitted inexperience or otherwise. That said, it's not clear what your expectations regarding "comforting" are, exactly. I get that he doesn't text as often and doesn't initiate "I love you's", but what else isn't he doing that you would like to see?

 

 

2) There seems to be a "rubber band" effect in play as well. He treats you like a "nuisance", you attempt to break up, and he responds by love-bombing you. Until he starts to treat you like a nuisance again. That would get pretty old, and I understand your frustration with this dynamic.

 

 

I'd still like to hear your answer to #1, above, but #2 is something that can't continue, regardless.

[ExpatInItaly]

Hello all. I haven't been on here in awhile, but nice to be on Loveshack again. am concerned because I feel like my boyfriend isn't comforting like he was. I fell in love with the "nice guy" that showed me love and compassion all the time. When he had a job where he had to leave the house at 5am he would send me a text to wake up to that would say "good morning beautiful, hope you have a good day :)" All those little sweet things went away it seems. He's distant, not comforting, doesn't seem to care, but yet tells me all the time that if he didn't love me he wouldn't be with me, but it's hard for me to believe that he's in love with me when he seems to be selfish, and doesn't care about me, and has changed.

 

I also told him countless times to be more comforting and more caring towards me, but he has not. he doesn't seem appreciative of what I do for him, but when I bring it to his attention, he always says "I do appreciate you." but he doesn't seem to show it. He doesn't say " love you" first, i'm very caring and considerate of his feelings. Everytime I tried to break up with him though because I feel like I am unimportant he always tries to get me back, and is always the one first to message me or call me saying "I love you. You're my everything." etc. He always wanted me back, and never wanted to break up, but I thought I was doing him a favor? It's all weird to me because when he's with me, he makes it seem like I am a nuisance and he doesn't want to be around me, but yet when I break up with him, he begs and messages, texts, and calls me to get me back. I am so confused, what does this sound like to you? Is he too comfortable in the relationship? I don't understand him.

 

Why are you two breaking up so often?

 

This is an indication of a bigger underlying problem

[Cinnamonstix]

I looked briefly at another one of your threads. This relationship seems unhealthy and stressful. It sounds like you'd be better off alone, getting to know yourself and cultivating your self esteem.

[Ashley S]

It sounds like your needs aren't being met and he is all talk and no action. Based on that alone, I would walk. However, there could be more to it than what you are saying. It would be helpful to know:

 

How long have you been together?

Did he stop putting in effort after you had sex?

Have you changed at all since the beginning of your relationship?

 

We have been together for 9 months. He seemed to have slowly stopped putting effort in our relationship after I had sex with him, and now it just seems completely drastic from before. We both suffer from depression, and anxiety. I did change because my best friend died, I am still not over her death at all. It's been a year but I still think of her every single day. However, i don't let my depression show. I hide it with him, and I know it's hypocritical but I try to uplift him, and try to be supportive through his depressed periods, and I don't show my bad emotions to him. I only vent and show my bad emotions to my other and some of my friends. I only talk about my best friend's death to my mother and friends. I wear a mask basically. I try to keep and upbeat positive attitude with him, but I do catch myself at times not talking, and to myself, but it's not all the time. I always try to talk to him, and just make general conversation. I always try to appear like I am ok.

[Ashley S]

Ashley, I hate to tell you, but I think you've grown up with - and have been fed - the unreal expectations so common in chick-flicks and Walt Disney 'Romantic' feature-film cartoons....

And your 'honeymoon period' is over.

Life is settling into a domesticated routine, where such romance and heart-warming gestures are gradually toned down, as both partners realise this is ok, it's good, we're exclusive, and life rumbles on.

 

It doesn't stay "swept off my feet" for ever.

Sure, it would be wonderful if it did, but it can't.

Some women would find it overwhelming, stifling, too much.

Others - like yourself - feel the need for affection to be visibly demonstrated, instead of implied or taken as read.

 

The other thing is, you're still very young.

I know, I know - it's a cliche older people seem to throw about with regular abandon - but sadly, that's because we ARE older and some of us have been where you are now.

 

I don't know how to break this to you, but while it's not unheard of, it's not common for first loves to be lasting....

So my suggestion to you would be to relax a little, let things flow, and see how things develop....

But don't pin all your hopes, dreams and aspirations on this.

Just because you gave your virginity to him, is no indication of permanence.

 

I think you're right. I have unrealistic views on love. I am not all about being gushy and lovey dovey every day, but the little things that he did were so big to me, like waking up to a text saying "Good morning gorgeous hope your day goes well." was big to me. Complimenting me when I looked all dolled up was big to me, and he just doesn't say anything anymore. I understand the honeymoon phase might be over, but i am still caring, loving, and compassionate, and complimentary towards him still. I tell him I love him everyday. I always show him love and I am still in this with him. SO, I guess I feel stupid, or unappreciated that I am giving him all of this love and the honeymoon phase isn't over for me, yet I get nothing in return it seems. Thank you for your feedback.

[Ashley S]

Why are you two breaking up so often?

 

This is an indication of a bigger underlying problem

 

Because he doesn't show me what I want, but then when we get back together, he shows me for a little bit, then goes back to his old ways. It's getting to be really ridiculous though.

[Satu]

Ashley, now would be a good time to get some counselling.

 

Not because there's something 'wrong with you,' but because you've got some substantial issues that you need support with, not least the loss of your best friend.

 

Combine that with a troubled relationship, and you have a very high stress level.

 

Maybe you've had some counselling already.

 

If not, it would be a good idea.

 

 

Take care.

[Ashley S]

I see a couple of different facets to this situation.

 

 

1) It's possible that your expectations are too high, either due to your admitted inexperience or otherwise. That said, it's not clear what your expectations regarding "comforting" are, exactly. I get that he doesn't text as often and doesn't initiate "I love you's", but what else isn't he doing that you would like to see?

 

 

2) There seems to be a "rubber band" effect in play as well. He treats you like a "nuisance", you attempt to break up, and he responds by love-bombing you. Until he starts to treat you like a nuisance again. That would get pretty old, and I understand your frustration with this dynamic.

 

 

I'd still like to hear your answer to #1, above, but #2 is something that can't continue, regardless.

 

Well, he doesn't text me at all anymore saying that. He doesn't seem to initiate anything. He just doesn't seem to care in my opinion, so when I feel like I am not getting what I want out of the relationship I break up with him but then he pleads, and always says he wants to come back and I am the love of his life, blah blah blah. So I take him back, and he seems to be good, but then he goes back to his old ways. It's jsut annoying because if it is a "honeymoon phase" then why am I still in it and he's out of it? He doesn't compliment me anymore when i wear something nice like he use to, he doesn't seem as appreciative of me, and I tell him these things, and he says he'll be more comforting and what not, but he doesn't change though, then I feel like a fool. And yeah It is getting old when he messes with my emotions like he does, and acts like he doesn't want to be around me, then i take action and he goes all Mr. prince charming on me to come back to me, it does mess with my head. Thanks for your feedback.

[TaraMaiden2]

..... I understand the honeymoon phase might be over, but i am still caring, loving, and compassionate, and complimentary towards him still. I tell him I love him everyday. I always show him love and I am still in this with him. SO, I guess I feel stupid, or unappreciated that I am giving him all of this love and the honeymoon phase isn't over for me, yet I get nothing in return it seems. Thank you for your feedback.

 

I strongly suspect that the reason you are so consistent with your declarations and demonstrations of love - is precisely because you want him to do likewise, and heartily wish he would, so you think to yourself, "Maybe if I lay it on thick with a trowel, I will get the same back".

 

It's almost desperate wishful thinking.

It's like you're saying it for him - but to him - in the hope he will take the hint and begin being equally demonstrative in his declarations of romantic love.

 

Also, this isn't unusual - either for other couples as young as yourself, or even for us 'older wiser in-lovers'...

 

It tails off.

It gets less.

And having kids is very often the deal-breaker... once people settle into the quotidian existence that is responsible parenthood, quite often, such niceties are put aside....

 

it takes work to keep and maintain a good relationship. Both partners have to be equal-share 'mechanics' and give the relationship regular service, tweaking, adjustments and upkeep.

 

With all the push-pull of breaking up and getting back together again, you guys are not so much exercising maintenance, but hiding the cracks and damage with a paint-job.....

Temporarily effective, but in the long run, a waste of energy....

[Cinnamonstix]

You are breaking up with him because you aren't happy. That is fair enough. When you feel like someone doesn't care any more and the relationship isn't fun but painful, it is time to walk away. I read that he told you to "get over" your friends death. That alone is grounds for dismissal.

 

When you break up with him, you need to follow through on that action. By letting him rope you back in with his words, you are saying that you have weak boundaries and can't be taken seriously.

 

Walking away when you are unhappy and your needs aren't being met is very empowering. You will feel strong.

 

Btw, I am 9 months into the best relationship of my life. We are still over the top affectionate (the way we both like it), and I honestly don't see that changing because that is what we have learned from experience that we both like.

 

So go find yourself (alone), and then find someone who is on the same page as you.

[Ashley S]

Ashley, now would be a good time to get some counselling.

 

Not because there's something 'wrong with you,' but because you've got some substantial issues that you need support with, not least the loss of your best friend.

 

Combine that with a troubled relationship, and you have a very high stress level.

 

Maybe you've had some counselling already.

 

If not, it would be a good idea.

 

 

Take care.

 

Thank you for your care, and concern. I appreciate it a lot. <3 I do have a high stress level to the point where I am causing physical symptoms. I have to get an endoscopy done because I have such bad acid, and GERD from stress, that the gastroenologist thinks I have ulcers. I always work myself up and I do have way too much stress, that I feel like I can't even enjoy life really. I have been through therapists, and psychologists they never seem to help me, but I have been trying to find someone better but I can never seem to get the feedback i want from these therapists. But I will try and find one because I do feel like I need one. Thank you. <3

[Satu]

I say this with respect, but:

 

 

Your boyfriend can't be your boyfriend and your counsellor.

 

 

You need to address the issue of getting your needs met in a healthy way.

 

No one person will ever be able to meet all or even most of your needs.

 

 

Ultimately you are responsible for getting your needs met.

 

Its reasonable to expect your boyfriend to contribute to your needs, but only up to a point.

 

Maybe he isn't playing his part.

 

So you have an issue to work on and its also about you.

 

 

Take care.

[Damaged217]

I've been in this situation with my recent ex. He started off all sweet and caring and was all about the little things. Then those things became shown less and less. I had many talks with him about my needs not being met and it would improve for a few weeks and then back to the same old thing. It's frustrating when your partner knows something is important to you because you have literally told him to his face, yet they seem to do nothing about it. In my case, my ex was going through other issues and was talking to other women behind my back. So, of course, he only made enough effort with me to keep me hanging on a little longer so he could have his cake and eat it, too.

 

We all have needs and it's up to you how much these things are important to you. To me, my love language is quality time and words of affirmation. My ex was well aware of this yet he did little about it. I would get dolled up and wouldn't get one single compliment. It made me feel like crap. I constantly thought about breaking up with him, but I loooooved him. Ugh. Girl, love is not enough. If you're unhappy and your BF isn't willing to try and work on meeting your needs, then you should leave. If things haven't changed by now, they are not going to. Perhaps this is who he really is and all of those sweet things he used to do were just moves to impress you and get you to be his. I don't know. But I think you should move on.

[Cinnamonstix]

If things haven't changed by now, they are not going to. Perhaps this is who he really is and all of those sweet things he used to do were just moves to impress you and get you to be his.

 

Agreed. Once the initial infatuation wears off, you are left with the real person. Do not cling to the past and how things were. He is showing you who he really is.

[Ashley S]

I agree with all of you. I don't want to be with him because I see what's he's doing to me and not making me feel wanted. He would contact girls to "party" with when we would break up. All of these girls turned him down because the girls he talked to messages me about it. It was disheartening because I was loyal even when we we're quote on quote broken up. I didn't hit up one guy or go out with any guy. I messaged my girlfriends and went out with them and vented to them. For some reason I can't let go. I can't seem to fully let go. I know he's not good for me because I feel like I put 100% into the relationship and he puts in zero. For some odd reason though I can't let go no matter how much I want to. I feel conned and manipulated because he was so sweet and caring. He always says to me now "I don't know how to be comforting Ashley I grew up dysfunctional with no love instilled in me. It was nothing but abuse so I don't know how to show my love." That is complete BS!!! Because he knew how to show his love when he was trying to get me for like 4 or 5 months. He knew how to be prince charming. Does he actually think I would go for him if he acted this way towards me in the beginning? Does he actually think I would give something so sacred to me my virginity away?

 

I fel like I can never trust guys again. He ruined me because I use to like going out double dating with my best friend that's deceased and just have a blast but everyone pushed me to date him because of his.persistence. persistence obviously doesn't mean anything. All my guy friends we're like "if he keeps.chasing you after two.weeks with pure rejection in his face the dude loves you." I figured I would.give him a chance because he was such a gentlemen and doing all the right things and showing me so much care and love that I figured hey why not? The fact too that he wasn't pushy about sex and wanted me to wait till I was comfortable was so refreshing. He was like "I don't care about sex all I care about is spending time with you." I wanted the sex so I thought that was gentlemen like that he waited for me to.feel comfortable to give him my virginity.

 

Also just to add this is very strange. He really wanted to have children with me. He was against me using birth control. I wouldn't have sex with him till I was on it but Eve like a month into our relationship he wanted me quit birth control and have a baby. I said "F no!!! I'm going through school. Ill have children when I'm established in life and ready." He said "OK. Well will you at least try for a child about two years from now?" I said "no. I don't know when but I have to go through school and get a career and be well established, then I'll consider children." He look very depressed when I said that and now just like two months ago all he says all the time how he doesn't want children. He never wants to have a kid. I said "funny you didn't even want me on birth control because you wanted kids now you don't want them?" He said "yeah I don't want them now." Then I asked him if he sees me in his future he said "depends." I said "depends???" He said "I mean yeah but you.never know what could happen." So he doesn't even see me in his future. I guess I'm already wasting my time. This all makes me so sad.

[Satu]

You can't change his behaviour.

 

That means that you will have to change yours if you feel that the relationship is bad for you.

 

You are the pivot point of your life.

 

If he is as unloving as you say, you need to end the relationship and go NC.

 

 

Take care.

[basil67]

Ashley, generally speaking, it's not his place to support your significant and ongoing psychological issues. Nor is it your place to support his. Sure, general support from a partner is a good thing, but we can't be reliant on them in an ongoing sense. We need to be in a healthy enough position to support ourselves.

 

If he's suffering from depression, he probably doesn't have enough leftover energy to support you and your issues too. It's unfair of you to expect him to stretch his already overwhelmed self to do this. Likewise, use your own energy to look after yourself.

 

Your expecations of dating and relationships simply aren't realistic. And it's very unfair to withdraw trust from all guys simply because this one guy isn't meeting your expectations. This guy you're dating is not all men.

 

I know this guy isn't meeting your needs. And perhaps it's best if you move on. But you must leave your fairytale ideas about virginity and Mr Perfect in the past. The stuff your mates said about him chasing you for two weeks being "love".....this is the silliest thing I've ever heard. He didn't even properly know you then!! Do not take relationship advice from these guys.

Edited April 14, 2016 by basil67

[clia]

It honestly breaks my heart that you are still with this guy.

 

You deserve so much better. I hope one day you find the strength to leave him so you can find a wonderful man who adores you.

[ExpatInItaly]

Reading through your previous threads, this relationship is very unhealthy.

 

You should be single for a while and learn to love yourself. You will then be better able to filter out shady guys, which this one is. (based on your descriptions of him in the past) He's a hot mess.

 

And you will learn to drop the victim mentality. He can't ruin your trust in all guys unless you let him do so. You have more control in this situation than you think you do. Walk away and keep your dignity intact.

[Zippy2000]

You can't change his behaviour.

 

That means that you will have to change yours if you feel that the relationship is bad for you.

 

You are the pivot point of your life.

 

If he is as unloving as you say, you need to end the relationship and go NC.

 

 

Take care.

 

 

Why shoould she change for anyone!!!?

 

You do your own thing, Ashley. There is nothing wrong with you just unlucky with the choice of partner this time round.

 

Next time take your time to get to know the person first. It takes time to get to know the real person as when we meet people. People are always on their best behaviour. Think how serial killers get their victims. Its all a ploy.

 

You dont change anything for anyone and you dont need any counselling. I mean counselling! What for?

 

You just be yourself and move on with your life. Keep busy and learn new things to develop yourself and most of all. Take your time gettng to know people.

[Ashley S]

Why shoould she change for anyone!!!?

 

You do your own thing, Ashley. There is nothing wrong with you just unlucky with the choice of partner this time round.

 

Next time take your time to get to know the person first. It takes time to get to know the real person as when we meet people. People are always on their best behaviour. Think how serial killers get their victims. Its all a ploy.

 

You dont change anything for anyone and you dont need any counselling. I mean counselling! What for?

 

You just be yourself and move on with your life. Keep busy and learn new things to develop yourself and most of all. Take your time gettng to know people.

 

That's why I have trust issues because I knew him and was his friend, 5 months prior, and then he would say little things, and flirt with me, but he went hardcore, like trying to date me for a straight 4 or 5 months, I can't clearly remember. It was non stop, he wouldn't give up. I knew him, and he was a completely different person, he was so nice and charming, then BOOM he totally changed when I actually caved and made it official with him. SO I knew him for a year basically befor ewe started dating then he just became a totally different person, so getting to know people in my opinion is BS. I am not insulting you. I appreciate your advice but he created even more trust issues with me, that I feel like I could never trust a guy again. Because I wasn't easy, I took my time with him, and he still ended up being a different person. So time, persistence, and getting to know someone means absolutely nothing to me. It's sad actually, because before him, I was a free, strong girl, who just like to go out on dates with my best friend/sister (we were practically sisters) and I just didn't have the issues I have now with guys. He completely ruined my image of guys now. I think they are all cons and I can't trust them. Thank you so much for the advice, but I am just telling you that it wasn't easy to get me, and he wouldn't stop, and I knew him for a year basically, so that's what makes it even worse. Thank you for your feedback. <3