tito1501 Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 My girlfriend and I have been living together for 3 months now. The only thing I ask her is to be reachable. It does not matter whether she is in a bar or in her job, ''just let me know where you are and when you think you will come back home''. Today she had to go to a fair and I asked her three times to tell me when it would start and when it would end. She said she did not know and out of nowhere she stayed offline and unreachable for two hours. She called me two hours later from the fair (I could hear the noise) saying that everyone left the office in a rush and she did not have time to let me know. She said her boss just told everyone about the times of the fair in a meeting they had before the fair. How can I change the game ? I just want her to tell me this little things. For her they seem insignificant, but I do not like when she disappears. I feel like she is not giving a **** to howI feel about it. I wanted to just say : **** it, I do not care. But I think she can change this.
clia Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 Why do you have to know where she is at every moment of the day? That seems extreme. The fact that you know she was not reachable for two hours? How many times did you call or text her during those two hours? Why don't you believe her when she told you she didn't know what time the fair started and just found out and left in a rush with her coworkers? What's the big deal if she got to the fair at 1 or 2 (or whatever)? I would find that stifling. I have no idea where my husband is right now. I assume he is at work, but he could be standing in line at Starbucks or running an errand at CVS. 2
TaraMaiden2 Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 My girlfriend and I have been living together for 3 months now. The only thing I ask her is to be reachable. It does not matter whether she is in a bar or in her job, ''just let me know where you are and when you think you will come back home''. Today she had to go to a fair and I asked her three times to tell me when it would start and when it would end. She said she did not know and out of nowhere she stayed offline and unreachable for two hours. She called me two hours later from the fair (I could hear the noise) saying that everyone left the office in a rush and she did not have time to let me know. She said her boss just told everyone about the times of the fair in a meeting they had before the fair. How can I change the game ? I just want her to tell me this little things. For her they seem insignificant, but I do not like when she disappears. I feel like she is not giving a **** to howI feel about it. I wanted to just say : **** it, I do not care. But I think she can change this. You may say it's 'little things', but obviously, to you, they're not. They're big, life-changing things. They are. Otherwise you wouldn't have such an attitude about it. Do you call her and tell her every single place you are, who with, and when, until when? Does she demand that of you? I think you may have a slight 'controlling' issue, here..... 1
Author tito1501 Posted April 13, 2016 Author Posted April 13, 2016 You may say it's 'little things', but obviously, to you, they're not. They're big, life-changing things. They are. Otherwise you wouldn't have such an attitude about it. Do you call her and tell her every single place you are, who with, and when, until when? Does she demand that of you? I think you may have a slight 'controlling' issue, here..... That is true. I do have. And I want to handle this.
Haydn Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 Why do you have to know where she is at every moment of the day? That seems extreme. The fact that you know she was not reachable for two hours? How many times did you call or text her during those two hours? Why don't you believe her when she told you she didn't know what time the fair started and just found out and left in a rush with her coworkers? What's the big deal if she got to the fair at 1 or 2 (or whatever)? I would find that stifling. I have no idea where my husband is right now. I assume he is at work, but he could be standing in line at Starbucks or running an errand at CVS. Yes, nothing worse than someone wanting to know where you are all the time and what time you will be back etc...I have experienced this and it all got too much. It`s very controlling. Clia, your husband left with a large Latte... 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 That is true. I do have. And I want to handle this. In which case, the problem does not lie with her not calling you. The problem lies within your insistence and resentment. The way to deal with your controlling issues, insistence, resentment, insecurity and lack of trust, is not to get her to 'change this' and to comply with your ideals and wishes, but to address why, exactly, you are controlling, insistent, resentful, insecure and mistrusting. The problem lies with you. THAT - is where you should be looking to 'change this'. 2
Gaeta Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 Why do you need to know where she is at all time? I want to hear you extrapolate on that. The only thing I want to be warned about is if I expect my bf for dinner and he'll be late. Other than that he can roam the planet in his superman cape saving the planet from monsters, I don't need to know. 2
Author tito1501 Posted April 13, 2016 Author Posted April 13, 2016 Why do you need to know where she is at all time? I want to hear you extrapolate on that. The only thing I want to be warned about is if I expect my bf for dinner and he'll be late. Other than that he can roam the planet in his superman cape saving the planet from monsters, I don't need to know. But why dont you want to know where he is or what he did ? I like to know about her life... But I know that this controlling behavior I have is just so stupid.
TaraMaiden2 Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 But why dont you want to know where he is or what he did ? Because people in relationships do not own one another; they're not joined at the hip. They are still individuals with every right to a life of their own. If you wholeheartedly dedicate every waking, breathing moment to being in each others' pockets - what happens to your life if you break up? You don't have one. You have to re-build that independence. Life with a partner should have a degree of independence. It should be healthy and mutually acceptable. I'm not suggesting betrayal, cheating, deliberately ignoring is healthy. She's not doing those things. But what you are doing, is. I like to know about her life... This isn't 'knowing about her life'. Knowing about her life is enjoying discussing her interests, her likes, dislikes, her growing up and good memories. THis? This is keeping tabs and maintaining control. But I know that this controlling behavior I have is just so stupid.Not only that. It's destructive, and you're self-sabotaging. Basically, if she breaks up with you, you will think "I knew I couldn't trust her - she wouldn't tell me anything!" And it will merely compound what is in fact, your problem. Consider counselling. Your requirements in such a case, are not constructive or healthy. 1
d0nnivain Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 Since you are now beginning to recognize that part of the problem lies with you, what are you going to do about it? Do you understand that your desire to know about her & her life can be satisfied when she gets home & tells you about her day? You don't need a play by play every time she changes locations. Expecting one is practically putting her under house arrest or at least electronic surveillance. That said, if she is going to deviate from the normal routine, it would be courteous of her to tell you where she is going & what time she will be home. What kind of a fair was this? I get the sense that it was for her job, not a carnival. If so, & you knew she was working, that is all you were entitled to know. If it was a carnival or if she was going out after work with colleagues, a head's up about when she expected to come home would be nice if for no other reason then to let you know if you should eat without her or hold dinner. 1
sin miedo Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 The more control you exert on your gf, the less control you actually have on your relationship. If I was her, I'd be kind of annoyed... Tread carefully, tito.
Gaeta Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 But why dont you want to know where he is or what he did ? I like to know about her life... But I know that this controlling behavior I have is just so stupid. Because I know when he is on his own he takes care of business and if anything interesting happens during the day he will tell me at night. He doesn't need me calling him to check up on him. He's a big boy. He can go from point A to point B to point C on his own like a grown man. Again, why do you need to know what your girlfriend is doing? Deep down why? because you are obsessed with her, or because you don't trust her? Of course I want to know about my boyfriend's life. I learn about it when we are together at night. During the day I let him be his own man.
Author tito1501 Posted April 13, 2016 Author Posted April 13, 2016 You guys are totally right. I need to see her as an individual. As any other friend..that may or may not answer my calls or let me know where they are. That is so true. I ONLY have this behavior with her. How can I change this ? I really want to know. I have already improved a lot. SERIOUSLY, since we started, I can already see a lot of improvements on my side. But when she for example, does not text me the whole day I think: WTF? Why would she not give a **** about where I am or tell me where she is ?
TaraMaiden2 Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 I think the best thing I could advise now, is to have a frank, face-to-face talk with her. Explain you have this problem. Tell her you admit to it, are aware of it, and you know you need to address it and deal with it. you know it's YOUR problem, and not hers. Assure her that you are going to seek some kind of professional support in order to get to he bottom of it, face it, own it and deal with it. You know it's potentially destructive and harmful to your relationship with her. BUT: You would greatly value her support and understanding, and if she could see her way to helping you face this thing and deal with it, it would make the journey easier. So if she could just be understanding with you and accept that sometimes, it would be constructive to you for her to just keep in touch and let you know she's ok, it would help you. You know you don't own her, you don't have rights over her, and that you have no right to make any demands. But it's going to take time, and if she can just help you by being reassuring while you deal with this, it would be a comfort to you. How does that sound?
Gaeta Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 But when she for example, does not text me the whole day I think: WTF? Why would she not give a **** about where I am or tell me where she is ? Do you have other insecurities in this relationship? Do you and her touch base at night? Do you have a routine? I won't hear from my boyfriend all day. I never hear from him during the day but I know he will call me at night unless he comes over. We have a routine and it makes me feel secure to know at 8 pm I will hear his voice and he'll ask me about my day. Do you have a routine with your girlfriend ?
d0nnivain Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 WTF? Why would she not give a **** about where I am or tell me where she is ? Because she is busy. It has nothing to do with you. Change your mindset. Just because we can stay connected 24/7 doesn't mean we should. look at it this way: when she gets home you will have interesting things to talk about. You also need to find better ways to fill your day then obsessing about her. 2
Gaeta Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 WTF? Why would she not give a **** about where I am or tell me where she is ? If it were up to you, how often would need to contact her during the day?
Methodical Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 When you trust someone you don't need to know their every movement. Not speaking or texting every twenty minutes is not a lack of concern, it's called having a life outside the relationship. She was at work for goodness sake. Why should she give you a minute by minute blow? How can she be a productive member of society if she has to constantly report in and give you reassurance? Most ppl don't like being under a microscope and if you don't back off, she may choose to leave rather than be stifled by an insecure mate. Geez. 1
elaine567 Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 If she is going to cheat on you she will find a way to cheat on you, excessive control on your part will not stop her. YOU want her to keep in contact with you because she wants to, not because you have the need to monitor her every movement. Back off is my advice here. Paranoia will annoy her. 1
smackie9 Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 Me and my husband tell each other where and what when we get home and talk about our day. I suggest you try it.
DrReplyInRhymes Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 Your own issues aside, it's a bit controlling to always know, But that isn't our problem and it's only yours to show, If you demand your girlfriend to be reachable and she isn't doing that, Maybe you should let her go and find someone who wouldn't think that's whack! In retrospect, if you add past cheating and lying on top of this behavior, It'd be a completely different story with solutions in a completely different flavor, However, without that precedent, your mistrust is unfounded, As she probably feels like a teenager who has just been grounded.
Recommended Posts