Lona.loba Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 Hi guys my boyfriend and I have been dating for a month now and we usually go out a lot and when we dont we text or call. Yesterday i couldnt text him or call him because i was at a beach party wih some friends and today he got mad why i didnt text him yesterday saying stuff like "you should have gave me a heads up" and he sounded and seemed really mad about it and told me so. then out of the blue he started questioning my loyalty which annoyed me because i love him and would never think of anything that would hurt him and he knows that. he is two years older than me and in the past he had really bad relationships that made him have trust issues. in the relationships i had before him if i texted or called every day for a long time like he want they guys would have told me that i was clingy and they need some space. he got over it apparently but i dont really get guys after that ! its frustrating and kinda appears needy.
smudge21 Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 Sounds like he wants someone he can own rather than someone he can love. It is needy, but anger is also beyond that. You need to consider that you're a month in and already he's coming across like this - you sure this is what you want or expect from a relationship? Everyone wants and needs their "me" time, and you have a life outside of him that you're not going to walk away from (nor should he expect you to). He should trust and respect you, end of. Whatever his past issues are, he shouldn't be projecting them on to you. I'd be shutting this down, making it clear that you will not accept being talked to like that and either sort it or move on. We all can get upset or annoyed at times, especially in a relationship, but we should also be able to talk in a civil manner - not make demands and show anger. 1
Author Lona.loba Posted April 13, 2016 Author Posted April 13, 2016 when we are not hanging out together or when im not staying over his place he does text me stuff like "i need you" because he had a bad day at work or something
bathtub-row Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 His behavior is a bad sign. I think there's more to his previous bad relationships than you know. 4
Author Lona.loba Posted April 13, 2016 Author Posted April 13, 2016 so i should leave him? but i love him so much thats what makes it complicated
PegNosePete Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 Wow, he got that mad and possessive and needy after just 1 month of dating? Weirdo alert! Eject, eject! 4
smudge21 Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 so i should leave him? but i love him so much thats what makes it complicated You love him, or the him you have put on that pedestal? Does the him you love shout and get angry with you, or does he treat you with respect? I'm never one for instantly saying someone should leave another as it's hard for any outsider to really know the full story, therefore I am always one for saying there should be at least one conversation before any decisions are made. Whatever you decide though, try to do it with your head, not your heart.
Author Lona.loba Posted April 13, 2016 Author Posted April 13, 2016 You love him, or the him you have put on that pedestal? Does the him you love shout and get angry with you, or does he treat you with respect? I'm never one for instantly saying someone should leave another as it's hard for any outsider to really know the full story, therefore I am always one for saying there should be at least one conversation before any decisions are made. Whatever you decide though, try to do it with your head, not your heart. well, he never shouted at me or actually had a fight with me it was just this only incident yesterday were he seemed angry that why im confused because i have a feeling i will have a future with him and when we first became eclusive he said he will never hurt me
kztar Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 so i should leave him? but i love him so much thats what makes it complicated OP you love this guy?. It's been a MONTH.How much do you know him to really love him?. That is just infatuation. Anyhow, looks like he's needy. I would leave NOW. 4
TaraMaiden2 Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 Abusers are the most charming engaging and affectionate people on the planet. To begin with. That's how they 'ensnare' you. By lulling you into a calm sense of security. I mean, it would hardly be successful dating if they were to reveal their true colours from the first date, would it? No, of course not. So they put forward this apparently 'perfect' image; so romantic, loving, reassuring.... Then, when they think they are far enough into the relationship to begin controlling you, they start with small stuff (like this) and gradually build up until you become unrecognisable as the person you once were. They mould you into who they want you to be. And then continue to grind you down. That's how it works. THAT'S How it WORKS. Every single damn time. 5
kendahke Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 Hi guys my boyfriend and I have been dating for a month now and we usually go out a lot and when we dont we text or call. Yesterday i couldnt text him or call him because i was at a beach party wih some friends and today he got mad why i didnt text him yesterday saying stuff like "you should have gave me a heads up" and he sounded and seemed really mad about it and told me so. then out of the blue he started questioning my loyalty which annoyed me because i love him and would never think of anything that would hurt him and he knows that. he is two years older than me and in the past he had really bad relationships that made him have trust issues. in the relationships i had before him if i texted or called every day for a long time like he want they guys would have told me that i was clingy and they need some space. he got over it apparently but i dont really get guys after that ! its frustrating and kinda appears needy. You're 1 month into this. Who you are in love with is his representative, not him. We all deal with each other's representatives for the first 6 weeks or so, then they're dismissed and the real "you" comes to the fore. This getting mad at you for not texting is the real him. He's clingy, apparently... and he doesn't express to you his expectations. Seemed simple enough when you told him you were going to this beach party that he could have said something about you reaching out to him at some point in the day. Apparently, he was expecting you to read his mind on this point. Now you know what is expected of you. On the other hand---is there some reason why you couldn't have sent him a text, if that has been your M.O. for the last month with each other on a daily basis?
kendahke Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 Expect for the next thing to come out of his mouth to be you needing to quit spending so much time with your friends, especially if there are male friends in your group. I think that you should put the brakes on this, to be honest. He's showing you some very disturbing behavior already and it's not going to get better. Anyone who questions your loyalty just because you didn't call them one day has got some serious issues that need a therapist, not a girlfriend. 2
Gaeta Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 A couple of things. Yes it's worrisome when you have a daily routine with someone and suddenly that routine is broken with no warning. Knowing that you call and text each day it would have been sensitive of you to let him know you were at the beach the following day and to not worry if he didn't hear from you. That being said his reaction is a bit extreme. After a series of disappointments I could see myself being upset at a new boyfriend leaving me with no news with no warning. I would not break up over this. I would tell him I understand he was worried, I could have been more sensitive and will be in the future. Next time though you want to talk things out calmly and not have him blow things out of proportions because of his fears. 2
d0nnivain Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 Hi guys my boyfriend and I have been dating for a month now and we usually go out a lot and when we dont we text or call. Yesterday i couldnt text him or call him because i was at a beach party wih some friends and today he got mad why i didnt text him yesterday saying stuff like "you should have gave me a heads up" and he sounded and seemed really mad about it and told me so. then out of the blue he started questioning my loyalty which annoyed me because i love him and would never think of anything that would hurt him and he knows that. he is two years older than me and in the past he had really bad relationships that made him have trust issues. its frustrating and kinda appears needy. You have been dating for a month. A mere 30 days. You should be able to spend 1 day without being in contact. The inability to have that break this early on is very unhealthy. However since you established a pattern of daily contact deviating from that norm, would cause angst. Unless you had no signal, there was no reason you could not have sent a text explaining you were busy. That said, for him to call you disloyal at this ridiculously early stage is over the top. He does appear needy. Honey, he is needy & manipulative. when we are not hanging out together or when im not staying over his place he does text me stuff like "i need you" because he had a bad day at work or something Again, telling you he needs you 1 month in is way over the top & unhealthy. He has no sense of self or independence. so i should leave him? but i love him so much thats what makes it complicated You love him? Are you listening to yourself? You don't even know him. It's much too soon to be talking about love. I see co-dependence, not love. well, he never shouted at me or actually had a fight with me it was just this only incident yesterday were he seemed angry that why im confused because i have a feeling i will have a future with him and when we first became eclusive he said he will never hurt me 1 month in, the farthest into the future you should be thinking is next week. It's only been a month. Of course there should be no shouting. Even this tiff should not have happened in a healthy mature relationship. Because it did, guess what? Your relationship has problems. The fact that he said he would never hurt you is a huge red flag. This early on that is not something that has to be verbalized. The fact that he felt compelled to say it IMO makes it a lie because it's not something you can promise before you really get to know the person. You also can't truly hurt somebody you don't know. That power doesn't exist yet, because they should never have been let into your life & heart far enough to do damage this soon. Because he felt the need to say this telegraphs to me that he has no idea how to make a healthy relationship work. The fact you took it as a good sign also gives me pause for you too. Proceed at your own risk with extreme caution. Personally I don't think you two will make it to Memorial Day.
bathtub-row Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 You've been dating this guy for a WHOLE month?? And you're so in love with him? Well, I'm sure you know everything there is to know. Now, back to reality... Unfortunately you don't really know anything about this guy except that he gave you a glimpse of who he really is by this little episode. He's testing you to see if you'll put up with it. Next time, it'll be worse. And so it goes. If it were me and a guy did that, I'd end things with him right there on the spot and never look back. I can spot control freaks from a mile away and it's written all over him.
PrettyEmily77 Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 OP, that's not a good sign at all. My experience: Step 1: getting mad over a phone call I couldn't make - most secure people would brush it off and not even mention it. Step 2: demanding constant communication because he 'worries about you', he 'can't be apart from you', + what if accident, hit by a bus, must know where you are at all times for your own good of course, in case anything happens to you - like he's the only viable port of call; that means you have to stop whatever you're doing to appease him and get in touch now. If you don't comply, that's because you don't love him as much as him you, you'd rather be with your friends, you don't take the relationship seriously, etc. Step 3: will start double-checking where you are, by subtly asking you several times to see if he can pick holes in your story, or by directly asking your friends. Step 4: when confronted, will deny all of the above - he loves you so much, he's looking after you, that's what every normal couple does (no, it's not), you're over sensitive, you aren't a good partner, you're always getting the wrong end of the stick, etc. I will spare you the next few steps (I wasn't as clued up back then as I am now, and it took me three years to finally let him go)... You can give him another chance if you want to, and sit him down to talk about where his insecurities come from but in my experience, he'll either deny he has any insecurities or he'll apologize for his behaviour and start again from step 1 a few weeks later.
basil67 Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 His past bad relationships are not your problem. Do not allow him to put his trust issues on you. 1
iphone_user1 Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 (edited) Just like the girl I dated a few years ago... It happened the same way after some weeks dating. She would just get really mad and start doing some other things like changing a lot her profile picture and status to get my attention if I didn't text her for a day, and guess what? A few weeks later all hell broke loose We were very young though. I don't know if my case was a matter of age and hope they will outgrow it some day. Edited April 14, 2016 by iphone_user1
Author Lona.loba Posted April 14, 2016 Author Posted April 14, 2016 well he did admitt that he has insecurities and trust issues because he was burnt a lot in the past, i never asked him about what sort of problems he had though. i dont know i got a heart of gold i feel like giving him another chance :/ OP, that's not a good sign at all. My experience: Step 1: getting mad over a phone call I couldn't make - most secure people would brush it off and not even mention it. Step 2: demanding constant communication because he 'worries about you', he 'can't be apart from you', + what if accident, hit by a bus, must know where you are at all times for your own good of course, in case anything happens to you - like he's the only viable port of call; that means you have to stop whatever you're doing to appease him and get in touch now. If you don't comply, that's because you don't love him as much as him you, you'd rather be with your friends, you don't take the relationship seriously, etc. Step 3: will start double-checking where you are, by subtly asking you several times to see if he can pick holes in your story, or by directly asking your friends. Step 4: when confronted, will deny all of the above - he loves you so much, he's looking after you, that's what every normal couple does (no, it's not), you're over sensitive, you aren't a good partner, you're always getting the wrong end of the stick, etc. I will spare you the next few steps (I wasn't as clued up back then as I am now, and it took me three years to finally let him go)... You can give him another chance if you want to, and sit him down to talk about where his insecurities come from but in my experience, he'll either deny he has any insecurities or he'll apologize for his behaviour and start again from step 1 a few weeks later.
bathtub-row Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 well he did admitt that he has insecurities and trust issues because he was burnt a lot in the past, i never asked him about what sort of problems he had though. i dont know i got a heart of gold i feel like giving him another chance :/ That's fine. Give him one more chance and when he does it again, drop him. Abusers specifically focus on women with hearts of gold. They're the most vulnerable of all because they can't bring themselves to end the relationship because his apologies seem so sincere. Usually it's not the heart of gold that gets these women - it's their inability to be wise enough to know when someone has crossed the line too many times. Be very careful that you don't make yourself into a victim. Having a heart of gold does NOT mean having no boundaries.
PrettyEmily77 Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 well he did admitt that he has insecurities and trust issues because he was burnt a lot in the past, i never asked him about what sort of problems he had though. i dont know i got a heart of gold i feel like giving him another chance :/ At this point, it's really going to be about how much you like the guy, how invested you are in each other and whether you see a future with him because I can tell you these convos are emotionally taxing. It could be that all he really needs at this point is a friend / someone to talk to sort his past out. If everything else in your relationship is fine and, most importantly, if he takes account of what you say to him and you see definite changes in the way he handles these kinds of things from now on, then go for it (but proceed with caution). I made the fatal mistake of making myself available to my ex all the time but in the end it was never enough despite all his promises. It got to the point where he was reading my emails, looking at my phone behind my back, showing up at work or when I was with friends to make sure I was where I said I was - like I said, it's partly down to the fact that I didn't nip it in the bud early enough and let him get away with crazy stuff because I thought I loved him. It may be totally different for you, and you may be able to turn it around - just be aware, though. If you don't see any improvements, let him go.
dumbass2 Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 Just like the girl I dated a few years ago... It happened the same way after some weeks dating. She would just get really mad and start doing some other things like changing a lot her profile picture and status to get my attention if I didn't text her for a day, and guess what? A few weeks later all hell broke loose We were very young though. I don't know if my case was a matter of age and hope they will outgrow it some day. Nope, age doesn't matter. Passive aggressive people are what they are. My girlfriend was 44 at the time we met online. We'd been dating a lot and communicating daily and when the s**t hit the fan one night (unbeknownst to me because she acted fine and didn't say anything), she ignored me most of the next day. After a non yelling argument that night, she went a few days later and updated her OLD profile. We last a few more months and then broke up.
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