Dealing with the unanswered questions

[Joebloggs91]

Hi guys, I've posted a few times since my whirlwind 6 month romance ended just over 5 weeks ago. I know a lot of you have had longer relationships/marriages so I do feel a bit guilty that mine was so short, however it has messed me up pretty bad.

 

She did the 180. Everything was perfect, talked about the future, holidays, houses. The usual stuff. We had awesome weekends away together, then boom, she says she's not ready for the serious stuff, wants time with family friends and concentrate on work. Basically she said she got freaked out with it all. I was gutted.

 

Just over 4 weeks on, she contacted me once to ask if I had a pair of her shoes and that's it. That's the only contact I have had with her. I was the most outgoing confident guy you'll ever meet. She has wiped that out of me.

 

I picked myself up a few weeks after. Joined a gym and got a PT, booked a holiday with my housemate, and even got promoted at work which came with a mega pay rise. Thought I was over it all, life was good again. But the last few days I've hit rock bottom again, and I can't for the life of me work out why. The dumping happened quick, I didn't chase her or plead or beg. I let her go and respected her decison.

 

I just now have so many questions. Was she telling me the truth? Was there someone else? Was it something I did or said? Why didn't she talk to me before hand?

 

I deleted social media so I couldn't be tempted to see what she was doing. At first I wasn't even tempted, and now, all I want to do is see what she has been up to, or to contact her and ask my questions. I know I will regret it though.

 

 

I'm confused that now I've hit such a low point? Has the novelty of going to the gym, booking a holiday and my success at work worn off?

 

Has anyone had the same issue where they thought they were healed, and a few weeks on hit rock bottom?

[smudge21]

first off, don't feel guilty just because it was a short relationship - we all get affected in different ways. I'm pretty sure no one would judge you for feeling like this now. Plus in many ways, those short term deals can be more harmful as you go through the pain of the break up but it just feels as if you've been cheated out of something. You're still in the early honeymoon phase where everything is going great, you're getting to know someone and make plans, but then it all ends... all those plans and hopes just die, long before they ever got chance to happen. So yeah, don't feel bad about feeling bad.

 

 

As for feeling low now, that too is perfectly okay. It sounds like you played everything right from the start and even focused on so much other stuff, you may not have had time to properly grieve for the relationship ending. Maybe now, once you've come down from this high of doing other things, you are remembering the past and it's time to deal with it. When we lose a loved one, we need to grieve, miss them, feel sad, all that stuff. Maybe you blocked all that out by doing other things, by keeping yourself so busy you never took time to just deal with it all. I guess you could say you bottled it up or hid it away.

 

 

As much as it hurts, don't stop moving on. You did everything right and now maybe it's time just to accept the loss and the sadness that comes with that loss. We all heal in different ways and at different speeds. You're just hitting a rough patch but don't let that take you off the path you're on. I know how tempting it can be to reach out. Those questions you feel are unanswered, but in reality, the answers you get will not make you feel better. I told someone else on here recently that all those questions and regrets do just fade away once we fully heal. You simply no longer care to know and just accept that this person didn't want to be with you anymore.

 

 

In answer to your final question, yes, many times I thought I was healed only to be knocked back down. Think it happens to us all.

[jen1447]

Ppl vary but for the most part this isn't the type of injury that heals in a matter of a few weeks. (For ppl who do, it means they really weren't all that into them.)

 

If you made a substantial emotional investment over a significant period of time, it'll usually take you a matter of months to pick yourself back up, at minimum. Substantial = enough that pair bonding has occurred, and significant time = enough time to do that, could be as little as a few weeks.

[Raina314]

I relate to this completely. Was only with my ex for a year but he always brought me to family functions and we took a lovely trip together and everything but then he said that the spark was gone and he wasn't ready to be serious and I was devastated. Like you, I've also had lots of good things happen since, got a great new job opportunity lined up, bought a place of my own, etc...but it doesn't completely plug the hole.

 

Sometimes I think happiness and success reminds us of how much nicer it would've been if they were there to share it with us. Everyone says you should do things for yourself, but the truth is that people are not islands and happiness is always sweeter when shared. You'll find someone to share it with again. It'll just take time, and there's nothing unusual about grieving right now.

 

I too spend a lot of time on the unanswered questions. Did I do something to turn him off that he never told me about? Does he think of me? Is it because he never fully got over his other ex? Telling myself it didn't matter never helped, cuz it did matter to me, a lot. What helped the most was reminding myself of how much I loved him and how none of those above reasons could've gotten in the way of me being with him as long as I felt that way, so if he could walk away, he must not have loved me. If he did, none of those questions would have caused him to leave me and never look back. When I was really low and thinking that I'd find someone better was too hard, I just repeated to myself that because I loved him, I had to let him go and not bother him, if that was what he wanted. If he loved me at all he would've missed me and come back.

 

I know that sounds really self deprecating and sad, but it did give me some peace and made me less antsy about trying to dig for the real "reason" when just trying to be happy was too hard. Hang in there *hugs*.

[Heatemyheart89]

Hi, I think you are doing really well. Allow yourself to feel how you feel. Time will heal . You may never get the answers, but it doesn't matter. Concentrate on you.

[Joebloggs91]

I appreciate the responses guys, I really do.

 

I just get so frustrated that I allow myself to be upset over this. It was a 6 month relationship that I genuinely thought would last. I had at the time got a new job, a new car, a new flat and she came along was the final piece of the jigsaw. When she left, my world fell apart and put me back to square one.

 

It eats away at me not knowing what she is up to, who she is with, how she is feeling, is she with someone else? (That's the worst, not knowing if she is)

 

I felt like I was over the whole thing, but now I feel like I'm back at square one, and I can't for the life of me work out why.

 

My new job is an hour and a half commute every day, which will mean long days. I'm the boss too so relationships with my staff are a big no no, so I've kinda thought my chances of meeting someone are slim.

 

I have been in contact with my ex girlfriend (before this one) and we have been speaking via email, which has been nice. But it isn't the same and I wonder if that has something to do with it. Maybe I need to take myself away from it all, knuckle down at work, enjoy my holiday in Mexico then start again.

 

Life can be a mother fu......

[keiji]

It eats away at me not knowing what she is up to, who she is with, how she is feeling, is she with someone else? (That's the worst, not knowing if she is)

 

It feels terrible now, but believe me, not knowing will be a blessing in the mid-long term. Ignorance is bliss in these cases.

[Heatemyheart89]

I appreciate the responses guys, I really do.

 

I just get so frustrated that I allow myself to be upset over this. It was a 6 month relationship that I genuinely thought would last. I had at the time got a new job, a new car, a new flat and she came along was the final piece of the jigsaw. When she left, my world fell apart and put me back to square one.

 

It eats away at me not knowing what she is up to, who she is with, how she is feeling, is she with someone else? (That's the worst, not knowing if she is)

 

I felt like I was over the whole thing, but now I feel like I'm back at square one, and I can't for the life of me work out why.

 

My new job is an hour and a half commute every day, which will mean long days. I'm the boss too so relationships with my staff are a big no no, so I've kinda thought my chances of meeting someone are slim.

 

I have been in contact with my ex girlfriend (before this one) and we have been speaking via email, which has been nice. But it isn't the same and I wonder if that has something to do with it. Maybe I need to take myself away from it all, knuckle down at work, enjoy my holiday in Mexico then start again.

 

Life can be a mother fu......

 

Hey, I totally feel your pain. I feel like I won't meet anyone else either. But the likelihood is we will! Ignorance is bliss, trust me. You are on the right track.

[lillian39530]

Hi Joebloggs91,

 

I SO feel your pain. I've posted my story a couple of weeks ago, it really is similar. 7 months relationship, thought I was going to be with him forever (because he told me we would), talked about trips we could take, the house we could buy, the kids we would have had, and then, boom! he didn't love me anymore and didn't see any future with me and vanished is he, now. And stupid I felt to be so so so crushed after such a short relationship....

 

I just want you to know that it does get better, a little by little, and then you re-crash, and then you get a little better again, and so on. It's not linear, and the relapses in your grieving process are never when expected. I too, thought I was okay. I had make changes in my life and was very optimistic. And then I totally crashed. After two months I asked for closure, got it, he answered all my questions, I learned he was seeing someone new (trust me, you DON'T wanna know that), re plunged into the dept of despair, and emerged again. Here I am, three months and a half post breakup. I still think about him everyday, every hour actually. I have to constantly remind myself that if he wanted to talk to me, he would. It really sucks.

 

But I can assure you it has nothing to do with two months ago. I believe we just have to accept it's a long process. The scar might take a long time to heal. We can't rush the grieving. But it's happening. Hang on xxx

[Joebloggs91]

Thanks Lillian, it's refreshing to hear you are in the same boat. I just can't understand why it's come back to me now. Genuinely 2 weeks ago I was 90% back to myself, and the last few days I'm back to as if it was square one. So so strange.

 

I've never been dumped before, I've only ever been in 1 serious relationship before this one and I ended it for numerous reasons. Still hit me hard though. This time the whole not really knowing just eats away at me, I keep asking myself why it didn't work. What did I do wrong? I get a lot of comments from co workers and general people I work with saying how handsome and what a lovely young man I am, but yet she didn't see it, and that kills me. I thought I did everything right. But she just couldn't appreciate it. Being rejected is horrible.

 

On a brighter note (and maybe this is the reason for relapse, as I'd love to tell her) I start my new job Monday, big pay rise and prospects look good. I just wish I could be as excited for it as I should be.

[LydiaLong]

Joe, what will heal you is finding the love of your life. She's out there. Believe me.

[Raina314]

I've never been dumped before, I've only ever been in 1 serious relationship before this one and I ended it for numerous reasons. Still hit me hard though. This time the whole not really knowing just eats away at me, I keep asking myself why it didn't work. What did I do wrong? I get a lot of comments from co workers and general people I work with saying how handsome and what a lovely young man I am, but yet she didn't see it, and that kills me. I thought I did everything right. But she just couldn't appreciate it. Being rejected is horrible.

 

Same exact boat. Never been dumped or rejected, everyone tells me what a catch I am and I've never had problems with people not wanting to be around me or not being attracted to me and then the guy I gave my absolute best to up and leaves. It really does make you question everything. It's hard to believe you did nothing wrong when the relationship you put arguably your best effort into falls apart. But it, unfortunately, can and does happen, even to the cream of the dating crop. I'm not gonna tell you not to take it personally, cuz honestly it's impossible not to at first. But just keep going. You can't always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you just keep moving, you will come to a better place.

[lillian39530]

Thanks Lillian, it's refreshing to hear you are in the same boat. I just can't understand why it's come back to me now. Genuinely 2 weeks ago I was 90% back to myself, and the last few days I'm back to as if it was square one. So so strange.

 

I've never been dumped before, I've only ever been in 1 serious relationship before this one and I ended it for numerous reasons. Still hit me hard though. This time the whole not really knowing just eats away at me, I keep asking myself why it didn't work. What did I do wrong? I get a lot of comments from co workers and general people I work with saying how handsome and what a lovely young man I am, but yet she didn't see it, and that kills me. I thought I did everything right. But she just couldn't appreciate it. Being rejected is horrible.

 

On a brighter note (and maybe this is the reason for relapse, as I'd love to tell her) I start my new job Monday, big pay rise and prospects look good. I just wish I could be as excited for it as I should be.

 

 

So very much feel the same. I asked myself as well what the *** did I do wrong/what was it that he didn't see in me, etc. But honestly even if I confronted him about it (my "closure" date with him when I ended up in the state you are now aka back to square one) I didn't get the answers, really. Because love is not logical. He could not tell me like : "I don't love you anymore because you did THIS" or "because you changed in THAT way". It was just how he felt now and I have to accept it. I believe it must be the same thing for you. No logical reason. **** happens, that's it. Maybe it's time to stop torturing yourself.

 

Personally I've gradually stopped asking myself those questions. I slowly tend to forget I don't have the answers. I read the following quote in a book : "We forget because we must", about heartaches. I find it so true. But it takes time, Gosh, it does take time.

 

I think our stories are quite alike - first real heartache for myself as well, professionally quite accomplished - financially stable - gets complimented by everyone - is veryyyyyyyyyy picky about my dates - have a great circle of friends - I travel a lot - I have many hobbies - but I still managed to

have my heart shattered in a MILLION cookie crumbs. That's why I send you all my positive thoughts, for I know what it feels to be in that state. I personally never knew it was possible to hurt that much, specially in my "relapse" moment.

[Rachel39]

It's only normal to wonder and question, it's even harder to not know the answers...I honestly know how that feels but you seem to be doing great

[Joebloggs91]

Thank you guys. These forums really do help. Being a male, I find it hard to talk about in person. I don't have the luxury of a big group of friends. I have lots of people who respect me within my work, and that I talk to daily, but for obvious reasons I can't discuss it with them. My friends are scattered all over the Uk so only really speak to them every now and then. My housemate is fed up of me talking about it lol

 

It's a process, I get that. Just when it happened I said to people I'll be ok, it'll take me a week or so and I'll be fine. Almost 6 weeks on, I'm still struggling.

 

I've got a really important meeting at work today, been up since 5 with her going through my head constantly which I really don't need.

 

This has got to end soon. 6 month relationship shouldn't come with this heartache

[Raina314]

A 6 month relationship ending can definitely bring 6 weeks of heartache. For a lot of us, it takes months and the amount of time you were in the relationship doesn't always directly correlate to the amount of time you grieve when it ends. Its not unusual at all for you to still be sad. But you've already seen the light at the end of the tunnel, so that's huge. This is just a stumbling block, you're doing really well.

[Rachel39]

I honestly think it makes no difference to the time you spent with someone, more of how you felt in the relationship.

 

It shows you have a heart and feelings and that's nice to hear... Even though it doesn't feel like it at the moment you will move on with your life and it will become less intense.

 

If only I could take my own advise I'm still struggling 4 months down the line from a 2 year relationship, he just gave up and walked away no major problems... It hurts like mad especially when I still wanted us

[CDJ]

I see lots of people have already given good answers already so I don't want repeat too much, but your experience sounds very similar to mine so here are my thoughts:

 

She did the 180. Everything was perfect, talked about the future, holidays, houses. The usual stuff. We had awesome weekends away together, then boom, she says she's not ready for the serious stuff, wants time with family friends and concentrate on work. Basically she said she got freaked out with it all. I was gutted.

I got a similar thing and I think that the truth was that she wanted to be with someone else. Could well be the same in your case; or maybe she never truly wanted all those things with you, but was just romanticising and perhaps trying to convince herself?

 

I was the most outgoing confident guy you'll ever meet. She has wiped that out of me.

Like you, I was very confident and self-assured. But being love gives you something to lose, and naturally softens you (perhaps even weakens you). It's hard to try to remember what you were like before you met her, but you need to try to recapture the old you.

 

Thought I was over it all, life was good again. But the last few days I've hit rock bottom again, and I can't for the life of me work out why.

 

You will get these lapses. It's natural. Recovery is a 'two steps forward, one step back' process. There will be checkpoints you have t0o get through - anniversaries, reminders, etc. - that will cause you to suffer these lows, but they become easier to deal with each time.

 

I didn't chase her or plead or beg. I let her go and respected her decision.

Consider this a victory on your part! It's very easy to do crazy things when heartbroken, but you held it together.

 

I just now have so many questions. Was she telling me the truth? Was there someone else? Was it something I did or said? Why didn't she talk to me before hand?

Now here is the most important thing you need to understand: you will never get the answers to these questions. Even if you could ask her, you might not get the truth and may even generate more questions. What you need to do is accept that you will never know. That is so, so hard, but it's the only way - and it beats driving yourself crazy wondering what the answers might be. You might in time work out plausible answers for yourself, by which time hopefully you won't care anymore.

 

I deleted social media so I couldn't be tempted to see what she was doing. At first I wasn't even tempted, and now, all I want to do is see what she has been up to, or to contact her and ask my questions. I know I will regret it though.

Well done. You're doing exactly the right things and you know what harm you'll do to yourself if you try to contact her. 8 months on and I still occasionally look at her Instagram, although the gaps between lapses grows each time. It's self-destructive and masochistic. Do all you can to avoid it, but don't beat yourself up if you slip!

 

 

I'm confused that now I've hit such a low point? Has the novelty of going to the gym, booking a holiday and my success at work worn off?

Yes, probably, because those are just short-term fixes to a deeper, longer-term problem. It's like sticking a little plaster over a broken leg. But, those activities will still help you on the path to recovery, bit-by-bit.

 

Has anyone had the same issue where they thought they were healed, and a few weeks on hit rock bottom?

Yes, today, 8 months on - hence why I'm back on this forum!

[lillian39530]

Thank you guys. These forums really do help. Being a male, I find it hard to talk about in person. I don't have the luxury of a big group of friends. I have lots of people who respect me within my work, and that I talk to daily, but for obvious reasons I can't discuss it with them. My friends are scattered all over the Uk so only really speak to them every now and then. My housemate is fed up of me talking about it lol

 

It's a process, I get that. Just when it happened I said to people I'll be ok, it'll take me a week or so and I'll be fine. Almost 6 weeks on, I'm still struggling.

 

I've got a really important meeting at work today, been up since 5 with her going through my head constantly which I really don't need.

 

This has got to end soon. 6 month relationship shouldn't come with this heartache

 

If that can help, I'm seeing a therapist now, and I was like you : "My pain has to to end soon. Omg what is wrong with me? The relationship was so f**** short!" But she reassured me by telling my that it is NORMAL to still feel the way we do now, it's not the length of time that matters, it's how you got involved/ what that relationship meant for you/ how committed you were. Some people were together for 10 years and are super fine within few weeks after the breakup. Some people were together 2 months and are grieving the relationship for a complete year. There are no rules. You take it at your own pace. My therapist told me it can take 6 months to two years to FULLY recover. Grieving is like that. And it is important that you stop being so hard on yourself because you have regressed. Isn't what they say? Two steps ahead, on step back. Those steps back really suck though. Man, how they suck.

[madde]

Thank you guys. These forums really do help. Being a male, I find it hard to talk about in person. I don't have the luxury of a big group of friends. I have lots of people who respect me within my work, and that I talk to daily, but for obvious reasons I can't discuss it with them. My friends are scattered all over the Uk so only really speak to them every now and then. My housemate is fed up of me talking about it lol

 

It's a process, I get that. Just when it happened I said to people I'll be ok, it'll take me a week or so and I'll be fine. Almost 6 weeks on, I'm still struggling.

 

I've got a really important meeting at work today, been up since 5 with her going through my head constantly which I really don't need.

 

This has got to end soon. 6 month relationship shouldn't come with this heartache

 

I was reading your thread and saw many good advices. I just wanted to say - you did everything what you could and it will help on the long road that you managed to keep your pride. Don't beat yourself up too much - I was doing the same thing for couple months and it didn't get me everywhere. I was in 6 months relationship that ended very similar to you - out of blue; I was shocked for a long time. Now it is 9 months after breakup and I can say that road was very long - 7 months I was dying inside day by day, but I keep going and hoping that somehow I reach the second coast. And when you get there - you will see how powerful you became . I also thought I need to know answers to these questions, thought it will only give me peace, but I have accepted - answers will never be given and now it doesn't matter that much to me. You will get there, best wishes to you!