???Should I bring him some food???

April 13, 2016

Maybe banana bread is a less suggestive thing to bring? I've never heard anyone get seduced by banana bread.

Seriously though it sounds like people are more stirred up about the late at night thing, and we don't even know what time is considered late.

And if she goes over and finds out he just wants to disrespect her need to wait for sex, then she can just leave. That is, unless, he's hannibal lector and plans to chain her to his basement. But if this is the level of fear women are really faced with, then...I give up.

Ehn, I totally hear what you're saying, but to me this is still more about her documented propensity to overfunction in relationships than anything else.

From her first thread:

I am in a state of shock and disillusionment. I am a 29 year old woman who was just dumped by a 29 year old man last night. We dated for a month and a half but because of the intensity of the relationship and the connection I thought we had it felt like a year and a half. In the beginning he dove right in, I followed suit. He asked me to be his gf on the second date. He told me he loved me soon after. He showered my with compliments and affirmations, "You are everything I've ever needed or wanted in my life." "I've never felt so connected or so in love with someone." "You are the sweetest, kindest girl I've ever met." "Your so sexy, I want you all the time." "I would do anything for you." "I'll never hurt you.".....

I did so much for him, I was a happy, bright source of support and love in his life. I made all of his meals for the week. Cooking for hours every Sunday. I cleaned his house. Did his dishes. He always told me how much he appreciated me. He adored how much I did for him, as any man would. I did it because I wanted to. I'm a very giving person (too giving when it comes to my heart) and because I thought I loved him, maybe I did.

Keep reading, it doesn't end well.

I agree with MKD that it's not the "nice things" in and of themselves that caused the relationship to crumble, and I'm not saying it's doomed to happen again. I'm merely pointing out that just maybe, given OP's documented history, that now is not the time to start lugging over baked goods of the savory or sweet variety.

April 13, 2016

I agree with MKD that it's not the "nice things" in and of themselves that caused the relationship to crumble, and I'm not saying it's doomed to happen again. I'm merely pointing out that just maybe, given OP's documented history, that now is not the time to start lugging over baked goods of the savory or sweet variety.

There is a point between doing nothing and cooking all of his meals and doing all of his cleaning. She wants to and should reciprocate. Bringing a meal over accomplishes that. No one in this thread is suggesting that she go overboard.

April 13, 2016

Bring a meal. Not a week of meals.

April 13, 2016

Ehn, I totally hear what you're saying, but to me this is still more about her documented propensity to overfunction in relationships than anything else.

From her first thread:

Keep reading, it doesn't end well.

I agree with MKD that it's not the "nice things" in and of themselves that caused the relationship to crumble, and I'm not saying it's doomed to happen again. I'm merely pointing out that just maybe, given OP's documented history, that now is not the time to start lugging over baked goods of the savory or sweet variety.

Ahh, okay. Well...you might be right then. If you have a tendency to start relationships with this need to demonstrate your worth by cooking all of his meals daily two weeks in, that's not good. You're saying, this is the start of a slippery slope. Only she can know that for sure.

It goes back to balance. Giving and taking from each other should be somewhat equal. Not really sure how she can solve that issue...other than to start letting him reciprocate. OP let him fix your bumper!

April 13, 2016

Ahh, okay. Well...you might be right then. If you have a tendency to start relationships with this need to demonstrate your worth by cooking all of his meals daily two weeks in, that's not good. You're saying, this is the start of a slippery slope. Only she can know that for sure.

It goes back to balance. Giving and taking from each other should be somewhat equal. Not really sure how she can solve that issue...other than to start letting him reciprocate. OP let him fix your bumper!

She can initiate a date and offer to pay. She can plan a picnic or another fun activity they can do together. She can get tickets to a football game. She can cook him dinner.

He can initiate dates and offer to pay. He can plan fun activities for the two of them to do together. He can get tickets to a play or music festival or something else she is interested in. He can cook her dinner.

She shouldn't be expected to go traipsing over to his late at night (her words) on a third date.... lest she be accused of not giving or reciprocating.

Edited April 13, 2016 by katiegrl

April 13, 2016

I vote too soon to bring the ziti.

Have you ever had someone you like try too hard to win you over? Whatever gesture they come up with is nice at the moment, but it often scares me off the relationship. I like a little distance early on, and I think almost everyone is similar.

I prefer the idea of reciprocating by suggesting dinner at your place on date 4. Then you can get your ziti on.

April 13, 2016

She can initiate a date and offer to pay. She can plan a picnic or another fun activity they can do together. She can get tickets to a football game. She can cook him dinner.

He can initiate dates and offer to pay. He can plan fun activities for the two of them to do together. He can get tickets to a play or music festival or something else she is interested in. He can cook her dinner.

She shouldn't be expected to go traipsing over to his late at night (her words) on a third date.... lest she be accused of not giving or reciprocating.

Katie, what does any of this have to do with the topic of her bringing food? In the end, it's her decision on whether she wants to go over to his place right? Since she wants to go, that should be good enough. It's not up to anyone to turn it into a debate on whether she should or shouldn't go to his place on date three making her feel uncomfortable.

All she wanted to know is if she should bring food. If it's a one time thing for now, then yes it's a sweet gesture. She knows he works late, and has to cook after he gets off. So she wants to make his life a bit easier. Something like that makes a good impression. My only advice for what it's worth is to not let it be a regular thing yet. If he keeps planning regular dates and being consistent, then you can act more like a GF down the road when it's more serious. For now just do sweet things every so often to show it isn't one sided.

April 13, 2016

ff, you are right of course... it has nothing to do with her bringing food over.

In fact I had not even noticed that the invite was for after he got off work (late) until another poster (I believe it was angel eyes) mentioned it in one of her posts.

Which sounded like a red flag IMO, so I got off on a bit of a tangent about that, my bad.

Apologies for derailing the thread.

As for bringing over baked ziti, yes that is a nice gesture and if she wants to do it, then she should, and see how it plays out.

He will probably love it.

I just hope he turns out to be a "good guy" like she said in her opening post.

If he isn't, then I trust she will know what to do and politely excuse herself.... and leave.

Unless she changes her mind and wants to go for it (sex) which is certainly her prerogative.

April 13, 2016

So this is actually just a (8 page) thread about whether she should bring ziti to a guy's house?

Bring ziti. Nothing that happens as a result will mean the end of the world either way.

(I hope she hasn't actually read any of this ....it's not even my sitch and I feel like I want to shoot myself already just by association. )

April 14, 2016

Agreed. It does something weird to a man doesn't it? Sort of like a turn on, but not sexual.

I think it's too soon to be turning up at his workplace though. Invite him over to your place for dinner instead.

This is definitely girlfriend material behaviour. I still remember when my ex would cook Polish food

Do not underestimate the power food has over men

I met him at his house when he had gotten off work, def wouldnt meet him at work. And your right, he was really grateful and loved it. Then we made out for a an hour Perfect!!!

April 14, 2016

I would agree with this, IF she had been there already, MANY TIMES But I’m thinking more like Gloria:

If he is a “quality” dude he should be making all the plans on what to eat and drink, and as a side bar when a dude “needs to get his place ready…” I hear women think it is cute that a man is cleaning his place for her, that is window dressing and women should be more discerning.
I’m not saying a dudes place needs to be spotless but if a woman went to a dudes place and it “looked” clean I mean like surface stuff that is just something you should be mindful of… just a tip from an older dudes perspective.

Exactly, I read about this too, too many screwed up people out there and why people should be VERY careful... is he too perfect? Keep your guard up.
Bottom line yes SLOW DOWN!

He had just gotten out of work. And the date went really well. I dont regret bringing it. Hes a sweet guy, he derserved it.

April 14, 2016

See, this is what I don't like about "dating".

I'm not a fan of a woman playing these games with me in an attempt to build attraction or "make" me love them. I can see she's playing games and it's a turn-off for me.

Be sincere. Be real. If a woman wants to do something for me, she should do it. She doesn't have to wait a certain time period in order for it to "work" properly on me.

Kindness and consideration works without all of the manipulative pretension and game playing.

Thanks midnightdreams. I wasnt bringing him a new car, just some baked ziti. He had just gotten out of work so he didnt have anything planned and I didnt care because we just wanted to see each other and hang out.

By bringing him some baked ziti doesnt mean I'm taking things too fast. It was a nice gesture, he loved it. We had a great time. Hes a good guy, the first good guy Ive ever dated. I'm excited about it. I dont think bringing him baked ziti is too much too soon. We didnt have sex. We made out, talked, had a great time. Thats it.

I agree...I will do what feels right for me, while learning from past and taking all variables into consideration

April 14, 2016

I'm not suggesting she play games. That article is about valuing yourself enough to let others give to you. It's simply the psychology behind why giving too much is a turn off. Sometimes people need to know the WHY behind their behaviour in order to motivate change.

For me, personally, I do not actually think: "This is the ratio at which I will give and take." I naturally give a lot once I am in a relationship to a man who has shown me he is consistent and giving as well. I also will stop giving to someone who does not give any more. The bottom line is that this is natural for me, but not natural to the OP.

Hmmm.....while i appreciate your reply....dont assume this doesnt come naturally for me. I've learned from my past. God I brought the man some baked ziti, not a stack of $100 dollar bills

April 14, 2016

I agree with the posters that say it is too soon to bring him food. Way too relationship like. If you have a history of giving too much, this sounds like it will set you on that path again. Try letting someone else give to you for a while. Sure, all the guys on this thread might be like, "Yes! We love food!" but they probably don't even realize that they would like you even more if you waited to do a gesture like that.

In the meantime, read this article about how giving less and taking more actually makes people invest more in you.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201105/make-them-love-you-taking-not-giving

Thanks, I will read this

April 14, 2016

I think things get called "game playing" way too often and easily on these boards.

The OP asked for an outside opinion. I gave mine based on my experiences and my personality. I would not give this advice if it hasn't "worked" for me. I will reiterate as per my previous post that my actions come natural to me. It would not even occur to me to bring a guy food or not after two dates (I will always offer to pay the bill though). And it's not because I am not caring or giving. I just don't care that much about someone after two dates. I care when I really know someone, and to me that is real. So when I give to someone, he knows that it is coming from a true place and appreciates it that much more.

I dont see the difference between paying a bill for dinner and making a guy dinner

April 14, 2016

It didn't come off like that at all to me. Simply that she's been paying attention to the little things and put two/two together that bringing him food would make his life a bit easier. It didn't seem to be motivated by manipulation of making him like her more.

Also, he has been doing a ton of initiating and putting himself out there. So it'd be a good way to show that it hasn't been one sided and she can do something for him.

**BTW - It is interesting that the men in the thread are saying to bring the food, and the women are saying not to. But in a case like this, who would have better insight - men or women? Just saying... It's like if a woman writes an article for a magazine like Cosmo telling other women how to get a guy. Why not just go to the source?

Thank you for that.

****My intention to bring him food:

#1- Wasnt for hoping he'd like me more

#2- Hes been good to me so I thought I'd be good to him

#3- It wasnt to rush the "relationship"

Dating this guy is unfolding naturally, I'm not forcing it, neither is he. We like each other, its that simple. If he asked me to be his gf tomorrow, I'd say we need to get to know each other alittle more before that happens. We're not rushing it. We're having fun. Just because I baked him ziti doesnt mean I'm getting invested too soon or am blinded by my feelings for him.

I just wanted to do something nice for him....so I did. Thats it. Thats it

April 14, 2016

I was not saying she will have a courtesy date, I am saying she should handle this as a courtesy date and be out by 23h.

Then good riddance!! If a man disappears after a 3rd date because he didn't get sex than what is she losing? Nothing! The guy was not serious and she invested 3 dates, not 3 months. Better know now what he is made of. No!

What position is that Katie? It's dating, it's the risk involved with dating. You meet a guy 1-2-3 times and he disappears. So what? I have been through that 10s of time. You pick up your saddle, get back on your horse and ride to next dude.

I asked OP how late was that date. If she says 10 pm my advice will make a 180 degree turn around.

I don't care what he wants. I care how he will carry himself while she will be there.

He was a gentleman while I was there. We made out, I love making out soI'm cool with that. He wasnt pushy. He cuddled with me too so it wasnt all about sexual stuff. We also had really nice conversation. He asked me if I wanted anything to drink (I dont drink so, diet coke). We watched a bit of a movie. He was sweet. It felt natural to hang out with him, nothing was forced. We both had a great time. He txted me after thanking me for the ziti and that he had a really good time with me and always enjoys my company. Hes a gentleman thus far

April 14, 2016

In her previous threads as well. I adore Dis, but even she has admitted she has a habit of doing just what she is proposing to do here....and those relationships ended disastrously with her feeling used and emotionally depleted.

Different guy, same story.

I would like her to avoid making those same mistakes again.

That's all.

Luv ya Dis... take care of YOU.

Thanks katiegrl! It went great! I have learned from what happened before. I dont think bringing him baked ziti was repeating that pattern, I did it because he's actually a really good guy from what I can tell so far. I've actually been refreshed by dating a guy thats not a douche. I will NOT however, be making him his meals for the week, or being at his place all the time, hour long phone/txt convos. I will continue to keep my eye out for red flags, so far I havent seen any. We dont see each other alot, which is a good thing in this stage. I have learned from you as well as others...I will not let your advice go unused.

April 14, 2016

I can't help but feel a little bad for her at this point. If I had posted this thread, thinking "how much harm can stem from baked ziti?" and read all of this, I'd be completely stressed out. We're all stressing her out before her date

One baked pasta dish will not destroy her potential relationship with this guy.

Haha thanks AMJ, I appreciate that Honestly I know everyone has their own opinions and I appreciate peoples input. I used my best judgment, brought the food, and the night went SO well! After tonight I have an even better feeling about him, hes a really good guy. So I'm actually giggling about some of these posts lol

April 14, 2016

So this is actually just a (8 page) thread about whether she should bring ziti to a guy's house?

Bring ziti. Nothing that happens as a result will mean the end of the world either way.

(I hope she hasn't actually read any of this ....it's not even my sitch and I feel like I want to shoot myself already just by association. )

Haha I know right? Its all good now. I made the right move

April 14, 2016

What?

Where's the recipe?

How am I gonna use the 'ziti trick'?

April 14, 2016

He also txted me after we hung out tonight saying:

"I'm glad you had a good time too because I want to spend alot more time with you."

April 14, 2016

Yay! Thoughtful gesture gets the win! I'm glad. Because I was thinking...if I were him, and someone brought me delicious homemade dinner after a long day at work, I'd be extremely happy.

April 14, 2016

Yay! Thoughtful gesture gets the win! I'm glad. Because I was thinking...if I were him, and someone brought me delicious homemade dinner after a long day at work, I'd be extremely happy.

Nooo! Food coma's no good for any sensible Netflix-and-rape plan.

April 15, 2016

Well, I can't say anything that hasn't already been said; I've learned a lot.

This thread has covered it, A to Ziti.

To ziti, or not to ziti. That was the question.

How am I gonna use the 'ziti trick'?

A magician never reveals their tricks...

I met him at his house when he had gotten off work, def wouldnt meet him at work. And your right, he was really grateful and loved it. Then we made out for a an hour Perfect!!!

I thought it might go down well . It's nice to hear some good news.

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