???Should I bring him some food???

[Gaeta]

Again something different from what you have said previously (like ff).

 

That accepting an invite LATE AT NIGHT on the first few dates is a NO-NO.

 

She does not know him!! It's not safe PLUS she sets herself to be a booty call/FWB.

 

He has NO PLAN. Accept perhaps Netflix a chill?

 

She should turn that invite down saying it's too late and counter by suggesting they go OUT on a night he is free (and she is free) and offer to pay.

 

Something fun casual and light.

 

It's their 3rd date.

 

I would refuse for a 1st date and a 2nd date.

 

Many times my 3rd dates have been dinner dates at my home and sex was not involved and everything was dandy.

 

In OP's case it's not a dinner date but I think it's because his schedule does not allow him to invite her early enough for dinner. The guy works with what he can.

 

How late is that date OP?

[fitnessfan365]

A ton of initiating? They have had TWO dates!

 

Sure he's been texting, etc but are you not aware of how many guys come on like this, only to disappear after getting sex?!

 

But not everything fits into percentages though Katie. I mean you've said repeatedly that you and your ex had sex on the first night and you two were together for six years.

 

They've only had two dates. That's true. But if the dates are spaced out, he can still do a lot of initiating and making an effort to stay in her life in the meantime. I mean let's say you've had two dates at once a week. But the guy is making an effort to be consistent with communication that entire time. That's still a lot despite only having two actual dates. That's all I'm saying.

 

Finally, I still say that if the guy is very busy with work, and works late, that kind of limits options on when they can see each other. Let's say I didn't finish up until 10pm and was tired. But I still wanted to make the time to see a woman. I wouldn't tell her that I wanted to have dinner with her because I'd assume she had already eaten and I wouldn't make plans out because it would be late.

 

Once again, based on percentages I can see where you are coming from. In the average type situation like this, is a booty call likely? Yes. I'll admit that. But you can't always lump everyone into the same category. Based on what the OP has written about this guy, his intentions seem good.

[katiegrl]

This line of thinking is quite sexist.Why exactly? He has already invested more than time. Thus, so should she. People should be mutually investing in each other when forming a relationship.

 

I need to get off this thread... this is effin crazy!

 

This is their THIRD (no second) date for heaven's sake.

 

I agree they should be investing in each other, however that does not include her going over to his late at night on their second or third date when he has no plan, and cooking him ziti.

 

Are you guys not aware of how many guys are only after the booty? Who come on strong, saying and doing all the right things until they get it, never to be seen or heard from again?

 

Has this not occurred to y'all? After god only knows how many threads created by women complaining of this happening time and time again?

 

Again, NOT saying this is this guy's MO but why chance it? Frankly it doesn't look good.

 

Let him take her OUT on the night he's free.

 

In time, when trust has developed, THEN she can start going over late at night with food if she wants.

Edited April 13, 2016 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

Are you guys not aware of how many guys are only after the booty? Who come on strong, saying and doing all the right things until they get it, never to be seen or heard from again?

 

She can say no thank you and leave. She's not a raggie doll with no will-power.

 

The couple of times I invited dates over for the first time and could not keep their hands for themselves I asked them to leave.

 

Women decide when sex is happening.

[katiegrl]

It's their 3rd date.

 

I would refuse for a 1st date and a 2nd date.

 

Many times my 3rd dates have been dinner dates at my home and sex was not involved and everything was dandy.

 

In OP's case it's not a dinner date but I think it's because his schedule does not allow him to invite her early enough for dinner. The guy works with what he can.

 

How late is that date OP?

 

Dinner date at a reasonable hour... terrific!.

 

A late night date with NO PLAN.

 

I think not.

[losangelena]

I will say that I do feel women on this board tend to be a bit cynical and bring their bad experiences into their advice. The OP really just wanted to do a thoughtful gesture to make the guy's life easier, and all the women are saying it's too soon, that she'll end up being taken advantage of for being too giving, etc.

 

No. There's a difference between being cynical and speaking from experience. I have gone through the experience of being too giving with guys too soon. Maybe it's more my maternal nature, but I want to make them meals, I want to try and bring them soup when they're sick, I want to try and put myself in the girlfriend roll before I'm even their girlfriend. Each and every time, it's backfired. A relationship has never blossomed in that scenario.

 

That's not to say it was BECAUSE I did those nice things, or that the burgeoning relationship(s) wouldnt've failed anyway, but in wanting to be liked and accepted, I gave too much of myself too soon.

 

That is what I'm cautioning OP against. That's not cynicism, that's experience.

[Gaeta]

It's Wednesday night. Don't they all work in the morning? She should be out of there at 23h. It's a courtesy visit. A couple of hours there just to see where he lives and check his miniature figurines collections, have some hot-chocolate and leave.

[katiegrl]

She can say no thank you and leave. She's not a raggie doll with no will-power.

 

The couple of times I invited dates over for the first time and could not keep their hands for themselves I asked them to leave.

 

Women decide when sex is happening.

 

You were lucky. I am glad those instances turned out well for you.

 

For me, I would not even put myself in that position.

 

If I am not ready for sex, I don't accept late night invites at his with no plan.

 

Until I have been seeing him for awhile and trust has been developed.

 

Just me.

 

To me that is not even a date.... that is akin to a Netflix and Chill leading to/hoping for sex.

 

Sure she could say no, but again why even put herself in that position when she could just as easily suggest a night when they are both free and go OUT.

 

Her treat.

[Shining One]

This is their THIRD (no second) date for heaven's sake.

It is their third date. Stop trying to minimize this to support your point of view. The OP considers this her third date and her opinion trumps yours and mine.

I agree they should be investing in each other, however that does not include her going over to his late at night on their second or third date when he has no plan, and cooking him ziti.

I agree that this situation is somewhat unusual, but the OP wants to reciprocate and this idea came naturally to her. I've had quite a few women reciprocate with me in somewhat unusual ways.

Are you guys not aware of how many guys are only after the booty? Who come on strong, saying and doing all the right things until they get it, never to be seen or heard from again?

 

Has this not occurred to y'all? After god only knows how many threads created by women complaining of this happening time and time again?

 

Again, NOT saying this is this guy's MO but why chance it? Frankly it doesn't look good.

You make it sound like the OP has no will of her own. She can always say "no" if he makes a move. For what it's worth, I tend to leave the women who don't reciprocate after we have sex and I hold on to the ones who reciprocate early.

[katiegrl]

But not everything fits into percentages though Katie. I mean you've said repeatedly that you and your ex had sex on the first night and you two were together for six years.

They've only had two dates. That's true. But if the dates are spaced out, he can still do a lot of initiating and making an effort to stay in her life in the meantime. I mean let's say you've had two dates at once a week. But the guy is making an effort to be consistent with communication that entire time. That's still a lot despite only having two actual dates. That's all I'm saying.

 

Finally, I still say that if the guy is very busy with work, and works late, that kind of limits options on when they can see each other. Let's say I didn't finish up until 10pm and was tired. But I still wanted to make the time to see a woman. I wouldn't tell her that I wanted to have dinner with her because I'd assume she had already eaten and I wouldn't make plans out because it would be late.

 

Once again, based on percentages I can see where you are coming from. In the average type situation like this, is a booty call likely? Yes. I'll admit that. But you can't always lump everyone into the same category. Based on what the OP has written about this guy, his intentions seem good.

 

Please DON'T bring how I behaved with my ex into this.

 

That RL was NOT what I thought it was and it ended badly.

 

And believe you me I will NOT be making that same mistake again.

 

In retrospect, it was ALL ABOUT SEX and he was a freakin drug addict.

 

And I was living in never-never land.

 

I have started several threads about this.

[katiegrl]

It's Wednesday night. Don't they all work in the morning? She should be out of there at 23h. It's a courtesy visit. A couple of hours there just to see where he lives and check his miniature figurines collections, have some hot-chocolate and leave.

 

How do you know?

 

Have you NOT read the many many threads created from women who have done exactly this, only to have it turn out the guy was wanting/hoping for booty...and disappeared when he didn't get it?

 

Again, why place herself in THAT position in the first place?

 

Come on now.

 

Third date. Invite to his late at night. No plan.

 

Do you really believe all he wants is to look at figurines and drink hot chocolate?

[DrReplyInRhymes]

In the beginning of a chess game, there's an infinite number of opening strategies and moves,

In a game where position is vital, those first decisions are key as they most often prove,

Agonizing over which opening move to make can quite literally make you crazy,

Just like deciding if a home cooked meal is too much, too little, or if he's just too lazy.

 

Giving him a home cooked meal because he works really late,

is a sign of kindness, thoughtfulness, and can make a memorable date.

Don't overthink it, if it makes you happy, then do it and give him the food,

I think he'll really appreciate it, and you'll be inadvertently setting the mood.

[AMJ]

The OP started with asking a question about bringing this guy food, and now it's turning into a conversation about when is too soon to go to his house for a date. My question is, if the 3rd date is too soon, then how long does she need to wait to go to his house? If he's not going to respect her needs to wait for sex, shouldn't she find that out sooner rather than later? If he is a decent guy now, he'll be a decent guy on date 4 or 5.

 

One of my old roommates dated a guy for three months and never once went to his house. This guy was at our house 4-5 nights a week, and she knew nothing about his living situation. I told her she was nuts for not wanting to know what his living situation was like. You learn a lot about a person by observing their home, and I'd rather know sooner rather than later.

 

That said, I also don't really see anything wrong with bringing this guy dinner. I also don't see anything wrong with doing nice things for people you like. But I'm maybe the only one on this thread who read the article that was posted, so I'll sum it up for everyone else. The act of giving has the effect of making the giver feel good about giving, and can sometimes make the recipient feel uncomfortable if the amount of giving is in excess of what's established in the relationship.

 

In other words, we all give and take from each other, and it should be balanced. Otherwise the person who gives too much feels neglected/used and the recipient feels resentful or as if they're being manipulated. So the question is- Is bringing a guy pasta on date #3 going to outweigh the kind things he's done for her?

 

He wanted to fix her car, that's a pretty big gesture. But she didn't let him. He took her to a nice dinner, also a big gesture. The texting is nice but pretty standard. I think it's ok to bring him dinner. I actually think people are overreacting a little bit about the symbolism of bringing someone dinner. It would be different if she were talking about a lobster dinner or something intense, but pasta is not that difficult to make.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

OP, what I would do is bring over some food and say, " I made a bunch of (whatever you cooked) earlier ...brought some extra over in case you were hungry."

 

It's a nice gesture but also indicates that you didn't necessarily go out of your way to make it for him! So I think a win-win in my book

[katiegrl]

Just wanted to clarify a couple things, then got to run.

 

1. I have no problem with her going to his on a third date. At a reasonable hour, NOT LATE AT NIGHT with no plan. Even bringing over food if it's discussed beforehand, and again at a reasonable hour.

 

2. I am all for reciprocating, even now. She can do that by suggesting they go OUT, something fun, light and casual and SHE PAYS.

 

3. I don't believe the man should give MORE than the woman. It should be 50/50 with her giving him what HE needs and him giving her what SHE needs.

 

In many cases, those needs are different. They get to know each other, develop TRUST and learn what their respective needs are.

 

They both invest in their developing RL equally. Let it develop slowly, gradually, naturally.

 

No pushing. Allow each other to take breaths once in a while.

Edited April 13, 2016 by katiegrl

[angel.eyes]

The guy works late, so when else would he invite her over? Also, my guess is that he probably assumes she already would have eaten by then. So it's based more on just wanting to spend time together.

 

Golly gee! He somehow managed to find time to plan their first two dates at a reasonable hour. Now he can't find time to spend with her except late at night at his place? Color me naive! What exactly does he have planned? We know it's definitely not dinner!! I'm still waiting to hear about his plans, if any, for the late night. How will they be spending time together exactly?:rolleyes:

 

Guys looking to be taken seriously by me are putting in at least some effort beyond date #2. Usually by date #2 or 3, he's planning dates around something that he's discovered is an interest of mine or a passion of his he wants to share with me. The focus is on learning more about each other outside the bedroom. Mr. Perfect here has dropped the facade completely. No effort...as far as I can tell. She can show up at some odd hour of the night for ????

 

If anything, the fact that he still wanted her over after she stressed no sex will be happening shows that his intentions are good.

Pure intentions?:lmao:: Oh please! The guy is trying his luck. Many women claim to want to wait or be in a relationship before they sleep with a guy. Lots of guys have had some women say that, then show up late at his place and willingly "get carried away" in the moment after, as another poster stated, a little nibble on the ear. Words are cheap. Actions and choices are what matters.

 

This guy's not even bothering with the facade/excuse of a home-cooked dinner date. Frankly, I'm insulted for the OP! Why is she rewarding this crap with baked ziti???

 

Disillusionment, you seem to have a history of rapidly turning into Ms. Domestic and a combination mother/cook/maid very early on in dating...based on sweet nothings and a couple nice dates. It's a pattern of behavior that you need to examine and IMO break.

[SammySammy]

No. There's a difference between being cynical and speaking from experience. I have gone through the experience of being too giving with guys too soon. Maybe it's more my maternal nature, but I want to make them meals, I want to try and bring them soup when they're sick, I want to try and put myself in the girlfriend roll before I'm even their girlfriend. Each and every time, it's backfired. A relationship has never blossomed in that scenario.

 

That's not to say it was BECAUSE I did those nice things, or that the burgeoning relationship(s) wouldnt've failed anyway, but in wanting to be liked and accepted, I gave too much of myself too soon.

 

That is what I'm cautioning OP against. That's not cynicism, that's experience.

 

Did it ever occur to you that the men may be speaking from experience too?

 

As I've said, I've had a young lady cook for me. Early in the relationship. I appreciated the gesture. The reason we broke up was because we graduated. She wanted to go to graduate school at the same college. I wanted to go to graduate school in another state.

 

If we had broken up for any other reason, it would NOT be because she was nice to me. Because she was thoughtful. Because she "did too much too early" or any such silliness.

 

If men are breaking up with you, it's not because you were nice to them. Or because you didn't wait the appropriate number of dates to be nice. That's ridiculous.

 

This guy works late. They want to spend some time together. Sure, he could stop and bring something home. He could cook when he got home. They could go out and try to find a quick late-nite bite.

 

But, this young lady thought it would be nice to cook ziti. Not a nine-course meal. Ziti. Quick, simple ... ziti. And you all are acting like she's about to commit to a life of servitude. The overreaction makes no sense.

 

I still think it would be a thoughtful thing to do. What they do when they hang out is up to them. They are adults and can decide how to proceed in their relationship as they please. Arbitrary rules and timelines are not going to determine the success or failure of this relationship. How they treat each other will.

[Gaeta]

How do you know?

I was not saying she will have a courtesy date, I am saying she should handle this as a courtesy date and be out by 23h.

 

Have you NOT read the many many threads created from women who have done exactly this, only to have it turn out the guy was wanting/hoping for booty...and disappeared when he didn't get it?

Then good riddance!! If a man disappears after a 3rd date because he didn't get sex than what is she losing? Nothing! The guy was not serious and she invested 3 dates, not 3 months. Better know now what he is made of. No!

 

Again, why place herself in THAT position in the first place?

What position is that Katie? It's dating, it's the risk involved with dating. You meet a guy 1-2-3 times and he disappears. So what? I have been through that 10s of time. You pick up your saddle, get back on your horse and ride to next dude.

 

Third date. Invite to his late at night. No plan.

 

I asked OP how late was that date. If she says 10 pm my advice will make a 180 degree turn around.

 

Do you really believe all he wants is to look at figurines and drink hot chocolate?

I don't care what he wants. I care how he will carry himself while she will be there.

[angel.eyes]

Perfectly put!!

 

Oh come on are you really this naive?

 

Do you honestly believe that just because she told him no sex, that he still isn't gonna want it and try for it? A little Netflix and chill, making out, which in many many cases leads straight for the bedroom, despite the woman saying no sex beforehand.

 

Let her ACTIONS tell him no sex, by NOT going over to his late at night for their third date. Actually their second date because their first date was actually a first meet for drinks.

 

Why not suggest a night when he is not working? And go OUT.

 

You have even said yourself many times that early on YOU MAKE A POINT of taking a woman OUT so so as to avoid her thinking you only want sex.

 

Not you're saying something entirely different.

[katiegrl]

I was not saying she will have a courtesy date, I am saying she should handle this as a courtesy date and be out by 23h.

 

Then good riddance!! If a man disappears after a 3rd date because he didn't get sex than what is she losing? Nothing! The guy was not serious and she invested 3 dates, not 3 months. Better know now what he is made of. No!

 

What position is that Katie? It's dating, it's the risk involved with dating. You meet a guy 1-2-3 times and he disappears. So what? I have been through that 10s of time. You pick up your saddle, get back on your horse and ride to next dude.

 

I asked OP how late was that date. If she says 10 pm my advice will make a 180 degree turn around.

 

I don't care what he wants. I care how he will carry himself while she will be there.

 

Okay you win.

 

Dis, go on over there and surprise him with some home-baked cookies.

 

Let us know how it turns out!

 

If it turns out he only wanted the booty, then at least you found out.....sooner rather than later.

 

Fingers crossed it all goes well... and I mean that.

[Cinnamonstix]

I have a feeling OP isn't replying because she's busy whipping up that dish

[Larryville]

I'm a total advocate for bringing men food. What I'm advocating, quite clearly I think, is that she hold off FOR NOW, because it could fast-forward their relationship in a potentially unnatural way. I'm NOT suggesting she be stingy, or not find something nice to do for him. Just that it doesn't need to be a pan of baked ziti at his home on date three. In my mind that's far too domestic (and yes, intimate) at this point in the game.

 

 

Man I’ve read thru these and wavered some but what LA said above just seems to me to be the prudent course of action.

 

I sat and thought about every person I have dated that has come to my crib in FIRST trip.

 

Not one brought something over, several asked if they could bring wine or some other adult drink.

I had whatever food and a few times I cooked.

 

One GF after noticing I had some not so good food, after mentioning I had been sick did buy a bunch of groceries, health stuff. I thought that was cool, which was maybe her third visit. I had been to her house several times before and she cooked (we grilled outside)

 

I will say the women who in some later instance brought food WERE in many ways to me, women who did seem to have some long term potential. The did it because they were cool, were not trying to be manipulative in any way.

Again maybe this is all dependent on age as to where many of us stand. Why sometimes knowing a posters age is important, not to validate or discount an opinion but it at least helps you process where they are coming from.

[losangelena]

Did it ever occur to you that the men may be speaking from experience too?

 

As I've said, I've had a young lady cook for me. Early in the relationship. I appreciated the gesture. The reason we broke up was because we graduated. She wanted to go to graduate school at the same college. I wanted to go to graduate school in another state.

 

If we had broken up for any other reason, it would NOT be because she was nice to me. Because she was thoughtful. Because she "did too much too early" or any such silliness.

 

If men are breaking up with you, it's not because you were nice to them. Or because you didn't wait the appropriate number of dates to be nice. That's ridiculous.

 

This guy works late. They want to spend some time together. Sure, he could stop and bring something home. He could cook when he got home. They could go out and try to find a quick late-nite bite.

 

But, this young lady thought it would be nice to cook ziti. Not a nine-course meal. Ziti. Quick, simple ... ziti. And you all are acting like she's about to commit to a life of servitude. The overreaction makes no sense.

 

I still think it would be a thoughtful thing to do. What they do when they hang out is up to them. They are adults and can decide how to proceed in their relationship as they please. Arbitrary rules and timelines are not going to determine the success or failure of this relationship. How they treat each other will.

 

Yes, I understand what you're saying. How could any of us not be speaking from experience?

 

FTR, I never said she should not be nice. I am simply cautioning her to not fall into the habit of over-functioning because I have done it in the past and it has not gone well. OP admitted that tendency herself in her first post:

 

I tend to end up taking care of poeple (the wrong guys that dont deserve that from me)

 

I can only speak from my own experience. If that is not what's going on in her situation, then she is free to disregard my missives. I am not telling anyone to abide by some arbitrary rules, merely to do what feels right by them in their situation. I personally think she could do other types of nice and thoughtful things for this man. I don't think she's in danger of being taken advantage of, just to examine her own actions and motivations.

 

I'm on their side; I do hope it works out.

[Shining One]

I have a feeling OP isn't replying because she's busy whipping up that dish

I would hope not. Baked Ziti takes an hour or so, unless she's making the pasta from scratch. I hope she's not going that far.

[katiegrl]

Yes, I understand what you're saying. How could any of us not be speaking from experience?

 

FTR, I never said she should not be nice. I am simply cautioning her to not fall into the habit of over-functioning because I have done it in the past and it has not gone well. OP admitted that tendency herself in her first post.

 

I can only speak from my own experience. If that is not what's going on in her situation, then she is free to disregard my missives. I am not telling anyone to abide by some arbitrary rules, merely to do what feels right by them in their situation. I personally think she could do other types of nice and thoughtful things for this man. I don't think she's in danger of being taken advantage of, just to examine her own actions and motivations.

 

I'm on their side; I do hope it works out.

 

In her previous threads as well. I adore Dis, but even she has admitted she has a habit of doing just what she is proposing to do here....and those relationships ended disastrously with her feeling used and emotionally depleted.

 

Different guy, same story.

 

I would like her to avoid making those same mistakes again.

 

That's all.

 

Luv ya Dis... take care of YOU.