???Should I bring him some food???

[amaysngrace]

I wish somebody would bring me food.

Preferably Chinese.

[katiegrl]

Hold on. You're getting together late at night at his, and he's definitely not making dinner? Is this a date or something else? What does he have planned exactly? If you're looking to have this turn into a relationship, rather than the prelude to being his FWB, I wouldn't head over to his late at night with no plans or effort on his part just because he took you out twice.

 

Are you guys even on the same page?

 

Agree with this too.

 

Something sounds a bit off here now Dis.

 

I wouldn't be traipsing over to his late at night on a third date... without him having a definitive plan like making dinner... This is supposed to be your third "date* ... not a possible booty call.

 

Please be careful here Dis. Exercise good judgment.

 

I know you are all gung ho about him now, but again it has only been two dates.

 

Let him take you out at a reasonable hour.

 

Let things unfold gradually and naturally.

 

No pushing or trying to show him what a great gf you would be.

 

Go out on dates, reciprocate when appropriate, and in time he will see how great you are all on his own!

 

Good luck!

[SwordofFlame]

I agree with the posters that say it is too soon to bring him food. Way too relationship like. If you have a history of giving too much, this sounds like it will set you on that path again. Try letting someone else give to you for a while. Sure, all the guys on this thread might be like, "Yes! We love food!" but they probably don't even realize that they would like you even more if you waited to do a gesture like that.

 

In the meantime, read this article about how giving less and taking more actually makes people invest more in you.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201105/make-them-love-you-taking-not-giving

 

And just exactly how much more does this person need to give before she reciprocates?

[katiegrl]

And just exactly how much more does this person need to give before she reciprocates?

 

After two dates, imo I think it's okay to reciprocate now, but NOT by traipsing over to his late at night with no plan. With home-made food.

 

She could turn that invite down but counter by suggesting they go out on a night they are both free, and offering to pay.

 

Something fun, light and casual.

 

Not elaborate or expensive, that's too much.

Edited April 13, 2016 by katiegrl

[Gloria25]

See, this is what I don't like about "dating".

 

I'm not a fan of a woman playing these games with me in an attempt to build attraction or "make" me love them. I can see she's playing games and it's a turn-off for me.

 

Be sincere. Be real. If a woman wants to do something for me, she should do it. She doesn't have to wait a certain time period in order for it to "work" properly on me.

 

Kindness and consideration works without all of the manipulative pretension and game playing.

 

It's not about playing games. I've been there and done that with being the "generous" and "giving" person. The guys dump me for the girls that hold off and make them chase them. I don't agree with it, and the guys swear up and down that they don't like games, but these chicks play them all the time and they sap it up like gravy.

 

Even for me, if a guy is too available, too eager, too easy - it sorta is a turn off to me.

[Cinnamonstix]

And just exactly how much more does this person need to give before she reciprocates?

 

There is no magic number. She can pay for something next time they go out which they should be doing rather than going to his place this early on, in my opinion. There is a difference between grabbing the bill for the both of them vs. preparing food just for him.

[SammySammy]

It's not about playing games. I've been there and done that with being the "generous" and "giving" person. The guys dump me for the girls that hold off and make them chase them. I don't agree with it, and the guys swear up and down that they don't like games, but these chicks play them all the time and they sap it up like gravy.

 

Even for me, if a guy is too available, too eager, too easy - it sorta is a turn off to me.

 

Maybe I'm getting soft in my old age.

 

I've been around the block more than a few times. I can see these games coming a mile away. It's insulting to me because it says I'm not intelligent enough to know they're trying to trick me into liking them more.

 

I don't have time for it anymore. Just be good to me and let me be good to you. If we like each other, we can continue to enjoy each others company. If not, we can wish each other well and go our separate ways.

 

Sometimes we make things too complicated.

[Cinnamonstix]

Maybe I'm getting soft in my old age.

 

I've been around the block more than a few times. I can see these games coming a mile away. It's insulting to me because it says I'm not intelligent enough to know they're trying to trick me into liking them more.

 

I don't have time for it anymore. Just be good to me and let me be good to you. If we like each other, we can continue to enjoy each others company. If not, we can wish each other well and go our separate ways.

 

Sometimes we make things too complicated.

 

I think things get called "game playing" way too often and easily on these boards.

 

The OP asked for an outside opinion. I gave mine based on my experiences and my personality. I would not give this advice if it hasn't "worked" for me. I will reiterate as per my previous post that my actions come natural to me. It would not even occur to me to bring a guy food or not after two dates (I will always offer to pay the bill though). And it's not because I am not caring or giving. I just don't care that much about someone after two dates. I care when I really know someone, and to me that is real. So when I give to someone, he knows that it is coming from a true place and appreciates it that much more.

[losangelena]

That's what the article IS saying, though. Basically, if you want to give, then give and be generous. But extravagantly giving in the HOPES that the other person will like you more is a bad idea.

 

That sounds perfectly sane and non-game-playing to me.

 

In OP's case, I don't know what her motivation is, but I think it's a tad too soon to be taking baked ziti over to this guy's place. It might accelerate the relationship past the point of where it naturally is. I remember I once had a fourth date with a guy where I went over to his apartment early, while he getting back from a business trip (he left me a key), to make dinner for us. It ended up feeling a bit weird and a bit too domestic. It really was too soon because we did not have that kind of relationship yet.

 

Anyway, I know OP's situation isn't quite like that, but IMO, she could hold off on the baked ziti offerings for just a little bit longer. It is a nice gesture; I love cooking for men!

[kztar]

It's not about playing games. I've been there and done that with being the "generous" and "giving" person. The guys dump me for the girls that hold off and make them chase them. I don't agree with it, and the guys swear up and down that they don't like games, but these chicks play them all the time and they sap it up like gravy.

 

Even for me, if a guy is too available, too eager, too easy - it sorta is a turn off to me.

 

Agree. That "generous" and "giving" person gets nothing at the end. BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, and FAILED.

 

And now Even for me, if a guy is too available, too eager, too easy im out the door.

[fitnessfan365]

That's what the article IS saying, though. Basically, if you want to give, then give and be generous. But extravagantly giving in the HOPES that the other person will like you more is a bad idea.

 

It didn't come off like that at all to me. Simply that she's been paying attention to the little things and put two/two together that bringing him food would make his life a bit easier. It didn't seem to be motivated by manipulation of making him like her more.

 

Also, he has been doing a ton of initiating and putting himself out there. So it'd be a good way to show that it hasn't been one sided and she can do something for him.

 

**BTW - It is interesting that the men in the thread are saying to bring the food, and the women are saying not to. But in a case like this, who would have better insight - men or women? Just saying... It's like if a woman writes an article for a magazine like Cosmo telling other women how to get a guy. Why not just go to the source?

Edited April 13, 2016 by fitnessfan365

[angel.eyes]

I have yet to date a guy who didn't do a lot of initiating early on. That's par for the course.

 

Are you inviting women to your place late at night with no plans, including no dinner?

 

The issue is the context and the timing.

 

Again, is this even a date? Or something else? That's totally unclear from her description.

Edited April 13, 2016 by angel.eyes

[fitnessfan365]

Are you inviting women to your place late at night with no plans, including no dinner?

 

The issue is the context and the timing.

 

Again, is this even a date? Or something else? That's totally unclear from her description.

 

The guy works late, so when else would he invite her over? Also, my guess is that he probably assumes she already would have eaten by then. So it's based more on just wanting to spend time together. If anything, the fact that he still wanted her over after she stressed no sex will be happening shows that his intentions are good.

 

But look at this way. She knows that he works late, and will have to eat after he gets off work. So instead of making him cook something, she just wanted to do something nice and make his life a bit easier. It honestly just comes off like a thoughtful gesture and that she's been intuitive.

[losangelena]

It didn't come off like that at all to me. Simply that she's been paying attention to the little things and put two/two together that bringing him food would make his life a bit easier. It didn't seem to be motivated by manipulation of making him like her more.

 

Also, he has been doing a ton of initiating and putting himself out there. So it'd be a good way to show that it hasn't been one sided and she can do something for him.

 

**BTW - It is interesting that the men in the thread are saying to bring the food, and the women are saying not to. But in a case like this, who would have better insight - men or women? Just saying... It's like if a woman writes an article for a magazine like Cosmo telling other women how to get a guy. Why not just go to the source?

 

Okay, first off I said I didn't know what her motivations are. Secondly, I wouldn't categorize "giving in the hopes that the other person will fall for me," as manipulation. I see it as more misguided (especially in OP's case, she sounds about as guileless as a lamb).

 

I'm a total advocate for bringing men food. What I'm advocating, quite clearly I think, is that she hold off FOR NOW, because it could fast-forward their relationship in a potentially unnatural way. I'm NOT suggesting she be stingy, or not find something nice to do for him. Just that it doesn't need to be a pan of baked ziti at his home on date three. In my mind that's far too domestic (and yes, intimate) at this point in the game.

 

That's ALLLLLLLLLLLL I'm saying.

 

And no, I'm not going to take relationship advice from some Gerard Butler and Katherine Heigl rom-com (I saw that).

[SwordofFlame]

It's not about playing games. I've been there and done that with being the "generous" and "giving" person. The guys dump me for the girls that hold off and make them chase them. I don't agree with it, and the guys swear up and down that they don't like games, but these chicks play them all the time and they sap it up like gravy.

 

Even for me, if a guy is too available, too eager, too easy - it sorta is a turn off to me.

 

And those guys go on to have successful healthy relationships? I don't think having an all give and no take approach works.

[fitnessfan365]

Okay, first off I said I didn't know what her motivations are. Secondly, I wouldn't categorize "giving in the hopes that the other person will fall for me," as manipulation. I see it as more misguided (especially in OP's case, she sounds about as guileless as a lamb).

 

I'm a total advocate for bringing men food. What I'm advocating, quite clearly I think, is that she hold off FOR NOW, because it could fast-forward their relationship in a potentially unnatural way. I'm NOT suggesting she be stingy, or not find something nice to do for him. Just that it doesn't need to be a pan of baked ziti at his home on date three. In my mind that's far too domestic (and yes, intimate) at this point in the game.

 

That's ALLLLLLLLLLLL I'm saying.

 

And no, I'm not going to take relationship advice from some Gerard Butler and Katherine Heigl rom-com (I saw that).

 

Haha.. Wasn't telling you to take advice from a rom-com. Simply referenced it for the concept of men giving women advice on what other men like. Let's say that I posted a topic where I wanted to get some insight into what a woman would appreciate. Am I going to listen to the women, or the guys? The women obviously.

 

Also, I get that you said you don't know what her motivations are. But, you also said that doing something for someone with the hopes of getting them to like you more is a bad thing. I was responding to that in the sense that it doesn't seem like she is trying to get the guy to like her more. Just that she wanted to do something thoughtful based on his schedule and living habits. BTW - That is a lot of "L's" you used in "all" LA. Lightening up a bit will take pressure off your keyboard when typing.

Edited April 13, 2016 by fitnessfan365

[Gaeta]

If I understand well he is not cooking dinner for you?

 

Then no, do not bring food for him.

 

If he were cooking dinner for you then you bring a host gift, could be wine, or a little something sweet but not a dish.

 

If he is not cooking you dinner then sure you can bring something but something small to show you had a thought for him but again, not a dish. I would probably bring home-made cookies or cup-cakes.

[katiegrl]

The guy works late, so when else would he invite her over? Also, my guess is that he probably assumes she already would have eaten by then. So it's based more on just wanting to spend time together. If anything, the fact that he still wanted her over after she stressed no sex will be happening shows that his intentions are good.

 

But look at this way. She knows that he works late, and will have to eat after he gets off work. So instead of making him cook something, she just wanted to do something nice and make his life a bit easier. It honestly just comes off like a thoughtful gesture and that she's been intuitive.

 

Oh come on are you really this naive?

 

Do you honestly believe that just because she told him no sex, that he still isn't gonna want it and try for it? A little Netflix and chill, making out, which in many many cases leads straight for the bedroom, despite the woman saying no sex beforehand.

 

Let her ACTIONS tell him no sex, by NOT going over to his late at night for their third date. Actually their second date because their first date was actually a first meet for drinks.

 

Why not suggest a night when he is not working? And go OUT.

 

You have even said yourself many times that early on YOU MAKE A POINT of taking a woman OUT so so as to avoid her thinking you only want sex.

 

Not you're saying something entirely different.

[losangelena]

Of course men advocate for food, you get full bellies.

 

You've misconstrued my points, and that's fine. I have neither the inclination nor the energy to keeping hammering away at explaining them to you. Hopefully OP will at least consider what I have to say, and that's all that matters.

 

BTW - That is a lot of "L's" you used in "all" LA. Lightening up a bit will take pressure off your keyboard when typing.

 

DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO

 

()

[Toodaloo]

Okay, first off I said I didn't know what her motivations are. Secondly, I wouldn't categorize "giving in the hopes that the other person will fall for me," as manipulation. I see it as more misguided (especially in OP's case, she sounds about as guileless as a lamb).

 

I'm a total advocate for bringing men food. What I'm advocating, quite clearly I think, is that she hold off FOR NOW, because it could fast-forward their relationship in a potentially unnatural way. I'm NOT suggesting she be stingy, or not find something nice to do for him. Just that it doesn't need to be a pan of baked ziti at his home on date three. In my mind that's far too domestic (and yes, intimate) at this point in the game.

 

That's ALLLLLLLLLLLL I'm saying.

 

And no, I'm not going to take relationship advice from some Gerard Butler and Katherine Heigl rom-com (I saw that).

 

It is... and I completely agree... too soon.

 

Go on more dates then he can have your home cooking.

 

I love cooking. I can be a great cook when I want to be and my friends and family love it when I come up with new ideas for things (I never use a recipe book but do read them for ideas). I love spoiling people. I have also learnt the hard way that if you spoil guys too soon they soon f off. Usually with the fade/ silent treatment but if not the phrase they use is "its not really working out for me"... every time I tell ya... every damned time.

 

Not "bad" blokes either - but I lost them by being too kind too soon. It comes off as needy.

 

Make the ziti for your Poppa instead OP.

[fitnessfan365]

Oh come on are you really this naive?

 

Do you honestly believe that just because she told him no sex, that he still isn't gonna want it and try for it? A little Netflix and chill, making out, which in many many cases leads straight for the bedroom, despite the woman saying prior no sex.

 

Let her ACTIONS tell him no sex, by NOT going over to his late at night for their third date. Actually their second date because their first date was actually a first meet for drinks.

 

Why not suggest a night when he is not working? And go OUT.

 

You have even said yourself many times that early on YOU MAKE A POINT of taking a woman OUT so so as to avoid her thinking you only want sex.

 

Not you're saying something entirely different.

 

It's all on a case by case basis Katie. Re-read the OP. The guy seems genuinely into her and has been respectful. So based on what she wrote, in this case, I think he was being sincere when he said he respected her 'no sex rule" and I am sticking by that.

 

Also, in the general "Netflix and Chill" scenario you presented it takes two people to make that decision. A woman wouldn't be some innocent victim of seduction. She makes a conscious choice on who she has sex with. So that's why it bugs the crap out of me when a guy is painted as the villain in that scenario. If a woman doesn't want to have sex, she doesn't have to. Plain and simple.

[katiegrl]

It didn't come off like that at all to me. Simply that she's been paying attention to the little things and put two/two together that bringing him food would make his life a bit easier. It didn't seem to be motivated by manipulation of making him like her more.

 

Also, he has been doing a ton of initiating and putting himself out there. So it'd be a good way to show that it hasn't been one sided and she can do something for him.

 

**BTW - It is interesting that the men in the thread are saying to bring the food, and the women are saying not to. But in a case like this, who would have better insight - men or women? Just saying... It's like if a woman writes an article for a magazine like Cosmo telling other women how to get a guy. Why not just go to the source?

 

A ton of initiating? They have had TWO dates!

 

Sure he's been texting, etc but are you not aware of how many guys come on like this, only to disappear after getting sex?

 

I am NOT saying that is what this guy's MO is but it could be!

 

Women (and men) need to be very aware in these very early stages.

 

Stay positive but remain cautious until the other person shows themselves to be someone you can trust.

 

Again both women AND men.

 

Maintain boundaries and don't go traipsing over to his or hers late at night with no plan in place if you don't want sex!

[fitnessfan365]

Of course men advocate for food, you get full bellies.

 

You've misconstrued my points, and that's fine. I have neither the inclination nor the energy to keeping hammering away at explaining them to you. Hopefully OP will at least consider what I have to say, and that's all that matters.

 

 

 

DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO

 

()

 

I will say that I do feel women on this board tend to be a bit cynical and bring their bad experiences into their advice. The OP really just wanted to do a thoughtful gesture to make the guy's life easier, and all the women are saying it's too soon, that she'll end up being taken advantage of for being too giving, etc..

 

You said bringing food this soon will take their relationship into a more serious place too fast. Although that trying to do something nice to get someone to like you more isn't a good way to go. I don't agree with the first based on this case (it was really just meant to be a thoughtful gesture IMO) but I do agree with you on the second point. A person should like you for who you are, and not what you can do for them. Once again though, I don't think she's doing it for that reason.

[katiegrl]

If I understand well he is not cooking dinner for you?

 

Then no, do not bring food for him.

 

If he were cooking dinner for you then you bring a host gift, could be wine, or a little something sweet but not a dish.

 

If he is not cooking you dinner then sure you can bring something but something small to show you had a thought for him but again, not a dish. I would probably bring home-made cookies or cup-cakes.

 

Again something different from what you have said previously (like ff).

 

That accepting an invite LATE AT NIGHT on the first few dates is a NO-NO.

 

She does not know him!! It's not safe PLUS she sets herself to be a booty call/FWB.

 

He has NO PLAN. Accept perhaps Netflix a chill?

 

She should turn that invite down saying it's too late and counter by suggesting they go OUT on a night he is free (and she is free) and offer to pay.

 

Something fun casual and light.

[Shining One]

You want to show him you are girlfriend material but you also don't want to be too giving, now or even later in the relationship. Always have the guy give more than you.

This line of thinking is quite sexist.

This guy is nice but remember, you still want to get to know him before investing more than just time.

Why exactly? He has already invested more than time. Thus, so should she. People should be mutually investing in each other when forming a relationship.