Family & friends say to end it because she was raped

[luksco]

I'm 29 years old and I have been dating a woman of the same age. We have been together for 3 years, sort of. We have been exclusive the entire time but our relationship has been far from "normal".

 

She was in a previous relationship for 6 years, from age 16-22. Two years into the relationship they moved in together and he started raping her and letting his friends rape her. I guess that's how he got his jollies off. There were 2-3 incidents were a group of them raped her.

 

Needless to say, there are issues in our relationship that are directly from that time period/relationship. She has done great at working through it and overcoming it. She moved across the country, lots of therapy, finished school - where we met. I've gone to therapy with her many times.

 

The first year of our relationship we didn't even hold hands. We went on dates and had all the emotional part of a relationship but there was nothing physical. Then slowly she opened up to kissing, holding hands, cuddling, etc. Now 3 years in things are progressing well. We haven't had sex of any sort of any touching besides her butt. We're working on that, it doesn't seem too far off. I haven't even seen her in a bikini.

 

I can see myself marrying her, she is an amazing woman. We're going on a trip in a few months and I wanted to propose. But friends and family are telling me not to go further with the relationship. They are saying that once she completely opens up she is going to want to seek out other relationships. Or she'll always play the victim card. Or I'll be too unhappy to be in this relationship forever. Or no one should deal with that kind of relationship or bad sex forever. That it's not my job to fix her. That it's not my job to raise other men's kids and I shouldn't settle for that.

 

If being with her forever is not a good idea, I don't want to have sex with her. I feel like she that would make her very attached to me and don't want to make things harder on her. I don't want to continue to be involved with her and her kids if I shouldn't stay with her.

 

How do you deal with literally ALL your family and friends saying don't do it?

[bathtub-row]

It's true that this relationship is going to be plagued with problems but only you can make the decision about whether to marry her or not. I personally would've never mentioned her past to anyone because that's very personal information. What happened to her was horrible and unfortunately it has shaped her view of the world.

 

Perhaps you can ask your therapist what you can expect in the years to come if you do marry her. To me, the upside of this is that she was very young when those things happened to her and there may come a time when that will seem like another lifetime to her. If she has made good progress, it seems like she's trying to make her life better.

[smackie9]

So how is the relationship now??? why make her a victim for bring a victim?? IMO your family is clueless and judgemental. Being raped shouldn't define who she is....rape victims deserve to have everything that everyone else has....marriage, children, a happy satisfying life.

[luksco]

It's true that this relationship is going to be plagued with problems but only you can make the decision about whether to marry her or not. I personally would've never mentioned her past to anyone because that's very personal information. What happened to her was horrible and unfortunately it has shaped her view of the world.

 

Perhaps you can ask your therapist what you can expect in the years to come if you do marry her. To me, the upside of this is that she was very young when those things happened to her and there may come a time when that will seem like another lifetime to her. If she has made good progress, it seems like she's trying to make her life better.

 

Yeah I regret telling people about her past now. I told them in the first year of our relationship when things were really hard. Friends always asked why she was never around or acted so weird. She would never hang out with my friends and the odd time she would she clung to me. Family noticed it to. So them prying about what was "wrong" with her and me just needing to talk to people led me to tell them more than they should know.

 

It's impossible to know how far she will go with her recovery. That's up to her and if she stays in therapy and keeps working on it.

 

We've started seeing a sex therapist so that we can work up to sex.

 

Her kids are old enough that they understand what is going on and are starting to ask questions about their dad(s). They have both started calling me dad here and there (which my dad heard once and lost his sh*t).

[luksco]

So how is the relationship now??? why make her a victim for bring a victim?? IMO your family is clueless and judgemental. Being raped shouldn't define who she is....rape victims deserve to have everything that everyone else has....marriage, children, a happy satisfying life.

 

My family (and friends) don't think that all rape victims should be alone. They think that I shouldn't be with one. Like someone should, but not them or me.

 

On an emotional level the relationship is great. We get along great, we're open with each other. There are no trust issues. She has some jealousy over the fact that I've had sex/intimacy with other women and she can't do that. She's worried that the sex (whenever we have it) won't be good and I'll get bored. She knows my friends opinion and isn't happy about that. I love her kids and she has done a great job with them. If we marry I'd adopt them as my own, she's on board with that.

 

I don't have doubts until family and friends open their mouthes.

[smackie9]

My family (and friends) don't think that all rape victims should be alone. They think that I shouldn't be with one. Like someone should, but not them or me.

 

On an emotional level the relationship is great. We get along great, we're open with each other. There are no trust issues. She has some jealousy over the fact that I've had sex/intimacy with other women and she can't do that. She's worried that the sex (whenever we have it) won't be good and I'll get bored. She knows my friends opinion and isn't happy about that. I love her kids and she has done a great job with them. If we marry I'd adopt them as my own, she's on board with that.

 

I don't have doubts until family and friends open their mouthes.

I understand their concern for your happiness BUT, you are an adult, you do what you think is best for you....and hopefully prove them wrong. If they see that you are happy, why can't they be supportive??? hey if it doesn't work out it doesn't work out.....people with little to no baggage can still end up divorced.

[Methodical]

I believe your family and friends mean well and are trying to protect you from a potentially less than fulfilling sex life that may breed resentment. However, YOU are the only one who knows how you feel deep down on an intimate level with this woman.

 

I feel for her bc she was repeated violated and traumatized. That said, I think you have tons of patience and really love and respect her to have invested this much time in a sexless relationship. I doubt once she reaches the point of opening up and exploring her sexuality that she'll go bonkers and want to hump every guy she sees and sow her wild oats. No. In fact, I don't see her ever straying far from very vanilla sex.

 

Her vulnerability level is off the chart, even after having spent three exclusive years with you and lots of counseling. Do you think you will be happy with a limited sex life? Bc that's what I see in your future with this woman. Sadly, even the best therapist can't undo the trauma she has sustained. Does she deserve a happy life? Absolutely. Can she learn to let her guard down and allow that? Who knows?

 

How do you feel about her? What are your long term goals? Can you love her thru the pain without building resentment? Those sound like easy questions, but really, they're not.

[neowulf]

My family (and friends) don't think that all rape victims should be alone. They think that I shouldn't be with one. Like someone should, but not them or me.

 

On an emotional level the relationship is great. We get along great, we're open with each other. There are no trust issues. She has some jealousy over the fact that I've had sex/intimacy with other women and she can't do that. She's worried that the sex (whenever we have it) won't be good and I'll get bored. She knows my friends opinion and isn't happy about that. I love her kids and she has done a great job with them. If we marry I'd adopt them as my own, she's on board with that.

 

I don't have doubts until family and friends open their mouthes.

 

Don't let anyone tell you what another person is worth to you. The heart wants what the heart wants.

 

That being said... You have invested a HUGE amount of time an energy into this relationship. You still haven't been intimate. The sex can and will most likely continue to be an issue. That said, you've been patient, compassionate and kind with her. Those are huge and speak volumes about your depth of caring.

 

In the end, the only person you answer to in your life is you. Not your family and not your friends. You're the one who has to look in the mirror and live with himself.

 

Just understand the risk you're taking. Understand the investment you're making in this woman and own it. If it all ends up blowing up down the road, just remember, you chose this path, for your own reasons.

 

Your family might want what's "best" for you, but truth is, they're NOT you. This woman is very lucky to have you in her life. I wish you both all the best.

[Methodical]

I don't have doubts until family and friends open their mouthes.

 

Sorry, I just saw this after posting. This is YOUR life, not theirs. If you are happy with her, then you should tell them to butt out. They've voiced their concerns, you have heard them and taken their opinions to heart. There's no need for them to continue harping on the same subject to sway your decision. There's a fine line between protecting your best interest and ruining your happiness. What do YOU want?

[Methodical]

Your family might want what's "best" for you, but truth is, they're NOT you. This woman is very lucky to have you in her life. I wish you both all the best.

 

Well stated Neo, I think you and I are in sync on this issue tonight :-).

[LostOnes05]

Dude, kudos to you for working with her through this. That says a lot. However, three years with relatively little physical contact and no sex is more like a bff than a boyfriend. I do fear that your family might be right once she gets past the sexual hangups. She may decide to explore that side of herself and keep you around as simply her emotional advisor. Do you have a timeline in mind for how much longer you want to invest in the relationship if it doesn't progress past its current point? And please do yourself a favor and don't propose until these issues have some sort of resolution or progress further.

[SammySammy]

I've dated two women who had been raped. Both had their challenges and one relationship ended specifically because of the woman's struggle to deal with the rape.

 

For me, the rapes were not a reason to leave either woman. In fact, I was somehow drawn closer to both. But, it was something that we dealt with as a couple. To this day, no one I know has any idea a couple of my exes had been raped. Never told anyone - family, friends, ... nobody.

 

I don't know why your family knows about her past, but that's water under the bridge at this point. I can imagine it makes coping much more difficult for both of you.

 

I've learned to minimize outside influences on my relationships. Let the quality of the relationship and the direction of it be determined by the people in it - me and her. It may be a good idea for you to do the same. You're fully aware of the issues you face with this lady. If you love her and you're willing to make those sacrifices, then I don't have a problem with you staying with her. The choice is yours.

[Versacehottie]

Whew this is a tough one. I can't really comment on the raped portion--I don't know--that's a difficult and very personal decision. So is who you choose to date, with ALL the various variables.

 

The only thing I will comment on that I have noticed is that family and friends tend to see the things we overlook when our hearts are involved. Especially if it is a wide enough sample of these people (not one or two who are affected directly by the two of you dating). Often when I look at the history of my friends etc and if there was a bf or gf we didn't like and didn't think was worthy of our friend, it's been near 100% that we were right and eventually the couple broke up, usually with difficult circumstances vs an amicable growing apart.

 

Best of luck to you.

[jen1447]

How would you feel about yourself if you turned your back on her bc your mom told you to?

[stillafool]

OP, why would you tell your friends and family about her rape in the first place? Did she ask you to broadcast it?

[Neffer]

I can't quite get over how judgmental and horrible your family and friends attitudes are towards this woman. They regard her as damaged goods - I thought that attitude went out of style in 1950. And frankly you seem like an immature and weak person that you had to divulge extremely personal information about her trauma to them as some sort of excuse. Her past trauma is none of their business. 1 in 5 women have been raped; so your family/friends likely know many more rape victims than they are aware.

 

You are 29 - you need to separate mentally from your family and think and act for yourself. They are not a part of your relationship. Very often friends and family give terrible advice, which is based on themselves - not you.

 

YOUR relationship is you and her. No one else. Work on that.

[GemmaUK]

You likely told you family all the bad stuff so that was all they had to play with and think about. Any good news or progress will sound to them like you are defending her.

 

She is willing to do sex therapy with you from what you have said.

If you feel in your gut she will then give things a try.

 

Your post sounds to me as though you love her warts and all and she is clearly opening up to you.

You sound open and honest and disclosed this to your folks because you are that way.

If she feels vulnerable your openness is why she is willing to try.

 

Go with your own gut instinct.

 

How would it feel if you never saw her again after today?

[Gaeta]

Friends and family know that sex is the glue that holds everything together in a relationship. Without sex you are only friends and they want more for you than to spend the rest of your life with a platonic friend. They want you to experiment deep passion, love and connection that comes with sex.

 

I would not want one of my brothers to be in such relationship.

 

What if she never has sex again?

[kendahke]

OP, if you are cool with living the rest of your life not having sex or having it so sporadically that it might as well amount to not ever having it--and you're cool with raising her children and paying for them, as you would as her husband, then throw off what your family and friends are saying. They're not the ones who will have to go home and shut the door with her. You will. Question is: when you're 56 years old, will this be fine for you? Or will you have grown to resent her because you felt that she should have gotten over it on your time table? She's going to resolve this on her own time table, which has nothing to do with anyone else but her. She seems motivated enough, seeing that you attend therapy with her--that's a good sign.

 

What she lived through is horrible in the extreme and I must applaud you for your gallantry, but I also have to advise you that you, also, are entitled to sex, intimacy and romance, too and it should come from a healthy source.