Replaced so quickly...

[chopstick]

I can't understand the logic of my ex boyfriend. I know I don't need to because he's my ex but I'm just shocked that he got a new girlfriend so quickly.

 

It was a messed up relationship from beginning to end that we had and I'm embarrassed I dated him. He has many issues including habitual lying, gambling, taking out loans from loan shark companies, smoking, drinking, and has a 3 year old daughter he's not allowed to see (from a previous relationship), serious anger problems, fighting when drunk.

 

I know I dodged a MAJOR bullet with this guy and it's good he's out of my life. I have a degree from a good university, this guy can hardly read, no culture, unacademic and has a sad little dead end career in hospitality. But I'm finding it hard not to be jealous that after all he put me through, he's shacked up with a new gf so quickly and they seem to be having a great time.

 

We started dating when he was 21, I was 22. I now realise I was a rebound from his failed long term relationship with the mother of his kid. At the time I was stupidly naive and prey to his persistence. After 6 months of dating I come to find out he was seeing his ex behind my back, even spending Valentine's week at her house. I'll never know, but I can only assume they slept together. I'd suspected something but on confronting him, he denied it and made out I was crazy.

 

I also find out he's a sick twisted **** that lied to me, my parents and our colleagues that his mum died in a car crash when he was 6. She's alive. He used to say how visited her grave every year on the anniversary of her death. How sad it was he never got to know her etc. Wtf. He frequently lied to me about other things, dumb lies, I never understood why he couldn't just tell the truth even when I told him I knew he was lying. He asked for money, for rent and food. At the time I didn't know about the gambling and debt. Like a stupid soft hearted idiot I helped buy him food, cleaned his room and shared kitchen, made him meals, lent him money (I drew the line with money for rent). I tried to be the best gf possible. Bought him a birthday and Christmas present.

 

After he cheated I was hurt. I felt stupid. Used. I'm embarrassed to say I took him back due to his ability to sweet talk like nothing else. He could truly come across as a very genuine warm sincere person, look me direct in the eyes and bull**** me without wincing. Without remorse. It was astounding and creepy. He was so convincing I couldn't tell when he was lying. He can talk to anyone and everyone seems to like him. I was stuck. I'd developed a bond and though I knew the awful things he'd done to me, and his psychopath personality (often getting so angry in my face he reduced me to tears), I missed him when he was gone.

 

He said all the things no boy ever said to me. He could make me feel special and loved. He wore his heart on his sleeve and wasn't afraid to say things (professing his love, asking multiple times if I'd marry him). He had no fear of rejection. He took me out, bought me Christmas and birthday presents. He was the first boy that ever got me a card. It's so pathetic but things like that were amazing to me. When we were together he never looked at his phone. Which made me shocked when I found all these texts to his ex.

 

After 2.5 years I couldn't take it and finally said bye. He was relentless. Came to my door crying his eyes out numerous times. Really going all out on emotional blackmail. For 3 months he pestered me every day texting me asking to meet me. Calling me, asking to take me to dinner, drinks, his work party. I eventually stopped replying. 2 weeks later it's Christmas. Low and behold he has a new gf!!!!! I couldn't believe it after all the months of him bugging me, pleading. And out of nowhere, an official gf on Facebook.

 

So this obviously means he had been seeing her whilst texting me and asking to see me. I thought it would help me heal, but it actually cut me up to see he had a gf. I was utterly heartbroken. Didn't eat for 5 days. Couldn't sleep. I felt sick. She is way too good for him. She isn't educated so they have something in common there, but she seems to be older, maybe 29, organised, can drive and has a car. He is utterly useless. He can't drive and never has the money to take lessons. He's really landed on his feet, she ferries him around and really seems to be smitten with him! It makes no sense. She works at the same place as him also in a dead end hotel job where I used to work too. She was there when we were together at work. I can't understand why she'd date him when she would know some of the crap he put me through that led me to quit my job. Why would she think he is amazing? On the day they made it official, 2 weeks after I last spoke to him, they are saying they love each other. I mean, what?

 

And 4 months later they are still going out. They've done things we never did. They stayed at a hotel in Scotland for a little break, she drove them there. They now go hiking (he never liked the outdoors!!). All of a sudden he's in this mature and serious looking relationship. Suddenly he has some culture. Why is it that I was the more sane one (OK my sanity doesn't look good if I agreed to be with the guy for 3 years) yet he's the one with a decent looking girl. How can he get such a good deal, he doesn't even deserve any of it! Worst is, she lives in my hometown where they both work and I'm just tired of wondering when I'm going to bump into them.

 

I know anyone can make their life look rosy on Facebook and I shouldn't even look at it, but I am so embarrassed and angry and annoyed for his apparent happiness when he caused so much grief

Edited April 13, 2016 by chopstick

[Zahara]

Why would she think he is amazing? On the day they made it official, 2 weeks after I last spoke to him, they are saying they love each other. I mean, what?

 

You did -- even after he cheated you took him back. Just like you, this woman is likely co-dependent and will tolerate just about anything to be in a relationship or to have someone in their life. Everything is always rosy in the beginning and I am sure, both of you saw red flags in the beginning but shut your eyes and idealized your relationship.

 

Instead of questioning his behavior -- best to focus on why you chose to stay in a bad situation. You're responsible as well as to why you put yourself through mistreatment. Maybe if you work on that, in the future you will have better boundaries, standards and expectations for yourself.

[dreamingoftigers]

Why did he "move on" so quick?

 

Because dysfunctional people often glom to other people very quickly without knowing them (or themselves) very well.

 

They love-bmob and try to get through the door very quickly because they just can't be alone with themselves. Part of they aren't very introspective either. They don't spend much time thinking about their behaviour and the effects of it, they just focus on the next target with laser-like intensity. Or multiple targets as the case may be so that they never end up alone for periods of time.

 

Sure, he now hikes. Next week if he gets dumped he will always "have loved Japanese Anime, or cooking with Artichokes, or 1920s architecture" whatever the next target cares about. To a point. And until he gets needy or bored with it.

 

These people who can't figure out what their own needs are and how to meet them by themselves, generally just mooch and suck and leech and beg and abuse those they love. And on and on and on.

 

And if you run out of things they can use, off they go. Rarely do they actively contribute much more than pretty words, some CHEAP remorse, if any at all (I.e. "oh yeah, I told you I already feel really bad about that"), and whatever bill they stuck you with.

 

How do you guard yourself? Date much slower, don't give away too much help and support. Seriously don't loan a dude you are dating money. He should be showing you he's capable of taking care of / managing himself.

[mightycpa]

So what's the dealio here? Are you feeling like this?

 

This guy is a total loser' date=' so why doesn't he love me? What's wrong with me?[/quote']

 

You need to get in close touch with what's really bugging you and deal with it. I know it's not about him or about her. There's only one person left.

[Emilia]

How come you are connected to him on Facebook?? That MONTHS later you are chewing on the fact that he was talking to you while talking to someone else? Does he have to murder your parents before you cut him out of your life?

[Neffer]

Dreamingoftigers nailed it:

Why did he "move on" so quick?

 

Because dysfunctional people often glom to other people very quickly without knowing them (or themselves) very well.

 

They love-bmob and try to get through the door very quickly because they just can't be alone with themselves. Part of they aren't very introspective either. They don't spend much time thinking about their behaviour and the effects of it, they just focus on the next target with laser-like intensity. Or multiple targets as the case may be so that they never end up alone for periods of time.

 

 

You did dodge a bullet. It still stings a bit because you feel used and discarded, but I will bet anything that that is how he treats all women. He is toxic, a user. I once dated someone like that and it messed with my head too. But you will come to realize how lucky you are to be rid of him. People like that are just a stack of lies.

 

Lying about the death of his mother is pretty much proof that he has no moral boundaries at all. Yes you have been replaced - you should pity the girl who he is with now. He won't change. She is getting the same user that you did.

 

You were/are young, so its easy to see why you did not expect this sort of thing. Look up Natalie Lue's site Baggage Reclaim to learn about boundaries etc. Very helpful information.

 

And just to repeat - you are so much better off rid of him.

[chopstick]

Thanks all, really helpful, I appreciate it.

 

I know it was so dumb and naive of me to get involved with him and keep taking him back. Obviously it's really embarrassing and I'm aware now how easy it is to get stuck in someone's web. It was like I was addicted. I knew in my head that I was involved in something stupid and imagining my future in such a toxic relationship scared me. But it was so hard to untangle myself from him and his drama. I understand it's a separate issue to do with my own low self-esteem. I have the type of personality where I only have a few friends at one time. I give them my all and I'm a very loyal and sensitive person. I want to try and help people, look after them. But I can't think that I can help fix other people's lives. It's something I know I need to be careful of and exactly the reason why I'm now focusing on being on my own / being confident in myself before getting involved with anyone else.

 

Clearly I am sabotaging this by buckling and looking at his Facebook after going NC until 2 days ago. It's harder because he's the only person I've dated in my small hometown so lots of things remind me of him. I work in social media so I have multiple accounts. I had blocked him and his gf on my personal Facebook but not my work one. Blocked them both today though so I'm looking forward to truly getting him out of my system and wiping him from my memory.

 

It's funny how your own thinking can become blurred when you date a manipulative person - things that were once black and white to you, suddenly aren't clear anymore and you question your own logic :/

 

Thanks again everyone. I know much of it was my fault as well for not just calling it quits, of course it takes two to tango, but I just wanted to talk it through I guess. I've never been able to tell anyone the full story so it's helped me to receive feedback. I think I'm going through that awkward time in your mid-twenties when you feel you need to 'compete' with your peers in terms of getting a good job, settling down with someone, getting your own place, doing impressive things etc. Maybe because this has taken longer for me (there is no real set timeline for everyone anyway!) it's made me feel insecure and I've tried to compare myself to my ex as a way to measure the perceived 'success' of my life.

Edited April 13, 2016 by chopstick

[Neffer]

Don't kick yourself - toxic people come across as charming. They say all the right things and lovebomb you (look lovebombing up - it is eye opening). I don't know if anyone could resist that sort of overwhelming woo-ing. Everyone falls for it - as we could never expect that the person is without conscience.

 

Toxic relationships are hard to break free of, as the up/down extremes, the drama, are oddly addictive to the brain (its science) BUT - you will be able to get over it all in time. Please do not beat yourself up for falling for him. How could you know?

 

Hang in there, and it will get better.

 

* BLOCK facebook and all pictures etc. It will only twist the knife. Do it asap. Block him as much as you can. Social media is all gibberish/PR but it still hurts.

** Read the baggage reclaim site posts - it will put it all in perspective and help you get over this. Its really a life/sanity saver

Edited April 13, 2016 by Neffer

[chopstick]

Why did he "move on" so quick?

 

Because dysfunctional people often glom to other people very quickly without knowing them (or themselves) very well.

 

They love-bmob and try to get through the door very quickly because they just can't be alone with themselves. Part of they aren't very introspective either. They don't spend much time thinking about their behaviour and the effects of it, they just focus on the next target with laser-like intensity. Or multiple targets as the case may be so that they never end up alone for periods of time.

 

Sure, he now hikes. Next week if he gets dumped he will always "have loved Japanese Anime, or cooking with Artichokes, or 1920s architecture" whatever the next target cares about. To a point. And until he gets needy or bored with it.

 

These people who can't figure out what their own needs are and how to meet them by themselves, generally just mooch and suck and leech and beg and abuse those they love. And on and on and on.

 

And if you run out of things they can use, off they go. Rarely do they actively contribute much more than pretty words, some CHEAP remorse, if any at all (I.e. "oh yeah, I told you I already feel really bad about that"), and whatever bill they stuck you with.

 

How do you guard yourself? Date much slower, don't give away too much help and support. Seriously don't loan a dude you are dating money. He should be showing you he's capable of taking care of / managing himself.

 

Nail on the head. Sounds exactly like him. Thank you! This was my gut instinct with him when it all fell into place after a few months when I really got to know him and see his true colours. He really does act like a chameleon to get people to like him. I don't even know what he really likes and not what he parrots others. Now I know I'm not crazy

[chopstick]

Don't kick yourself - toxic people come across as charming. They say all the right things and lovebomb you (look lovebombing up - it is eye opening). I don't know if anyone could resist that sort of overwhelming woo-ing. Everyone falls for it - as we could never expect that the person is without conscience.

 

Toxic relationships are hard to break free of, as the up/down extremes, the drama, are oddly addictive to the brain (its science) BUT - you will be able to get over it all in time. Please do not beat yourself up for falling for him. How could you know?

 

Hang in there, and it will get better.

 

* BLOCK facebook and all pictures etc. It will only twist the knife. Do it asap. Block him as much as you can. Social media is all gibberish/PR but it still hurts.

** Read the baggage reclaim site posts - it will put it all in perspective and help you get over this. Its really a life/sanity saver

 

Thank you Neffer, I just looked up lovebombing now and I'm already amazed at the psychological effects it has. I never knew it was an actual thing! At least I know what to look for now to help me avoid getting duped again. I think because I never had a guy that was very affectionate to me (I'm really shy and find it hard to make many meaningful connections socially - I'm definitely not used to guys pursuing me), I didn't really suspect it to be manipulation or insincere.

 

For the first few months I honestly believed he was a genuine guy, I thought I could trust him and I appreciated what I thought was true compassion, devotion and doting from him. It was like being loved by a puppy. Nothing I did made him want to leave me or stop 'trying to make it work'. My fake and real excuses to get out of the relationship fell on deaf ears. He said things like he could love me enough for the both of us if I just let him. He would pressure me by saying we were getting older and needed to settle down. In the beginning he even fooled my mum (he's the only guy I've ever introduced to my parents - all his adamant idea). She is usually good at figuring people out and rather sceptical of people. She even said to me, "don't break his heart, he's probably never going to do anything wrong by you, he seems to be a sweet guy".

 

To be honest, I think he has a weirdo family (his dad befriended all his exes on Facebook and liked/perved and commented on their promiscuous photos like a creep) and his has what I can assume to be childhood trauma from his absent mother. I could be guessing for eternity, and it's not my problem now.

 

Immediately after I said my piece after finding out about the new gf (I had to say something) I changed my mob number the next day. Physically burned all the cards and notes. Deleted pictures of him from my phone. Uninstalled Whatsapp, deleted his number, deleted all his texts. Everything. It was just Facebook that I struggled with. He's so dumb he doesn't even know how to use Twitter.

 

He did create a LinkedIn profile last month just to add me as a connection. I then had a notification that he looked at my profile (maybe to see where I live now and what I'm doing, where I work etc). He only added one other guy and me. So I know he did this just to connect with me after blocking him from everything. I left it hanging for 5 days because looking at it made me laugh and gave me intense satisfaction .

 

I messaged him just to see what he would do/ work out his intentions. I simply said 'why?' as in why add me. He never responded. I think he realised it was pointless trying to connect with me and maybe it was a result of a brief argument with new gf. The mind**** is 4 days after adding me on LinkedIn he's off to Scotland with her in a hotel so who knows what that was all about. I was fine until then. The LinkedIn thing threw me off and actually really made me angry. I rejected his request anyway so onwards and upwards.

Edited April 13, 2016 by chopstick

[dreamingoftigers]

Nail on the head. Sounds exactly like him. Thank you! This was my gut instinct with him when it all fell into place after a few months when I really got to know him and see his true colours. He really does act like a chameleon to get people to like him. I don't even know what he really likes and not what he parrots others. Now I know I'm not crazy

 

Nope, you're not.

 

Now the you know the dance you'll probably integrate it and avoid that type of relationship in the future.

Some people "get it" and some people "repeat it." You strike me as one that won't repeat it. Read a little more on abusive / manipulative people and you'll be fine.

 

I'm not saying they are "horrible people." They just have really, really poor coping skills. Or sense of entitlement etc. Functional partners have decent coping skills and relationships are more than just "targets and hurt feelings" to them.

 

There isn't a "big race" going on with you and your peers, but yes it feels that way. I've seen a lot of people make lousy partner / career / home choices because they "want it all" NOW, instead of looking for quality, or what would fit them well.

 

I rushed into my own marriage. And things got REALLY CRAZY tough because my husband had a series of issues we both weren't aware of early on. It took literal years to start sorting through it, AFTER we had a child together.

 

I don't "regret" it. But I really really don't recommend it either. Relationships can be tough enough without racing to the bottom of your expectations.

 

And ironically, I find that people who have "everything taken care of" for them generally resent it instead of appreciating it. IMHO.

[chopstick]

Nope, you're not.

 

Now the you know the dance you'll probably integrate it and avoid that type of relationship in the future.

Some people "get it" and some people "repeat it." You strike me as one that won't repeat it. Read a little more on abusive / manipulative people and you'll be fine.

 

I'm not saying they are "horrible people." They just have really, really poor coping skills. Or sense of entitlement etc. Functional partners have decent coping skills and relationships are more than just "targets and hurt feelings" to them.

 

There isn't a "big race" going on with you and your peers, but yes it feels that way. I've seen a lot of people make lousy partner / career / home choices because they "want it all" NOW, instead of looking for quality, or what would fit them well.

 

I rushed into my own marriage. And things got REALLY CRAZY tough because my husband had a series of issues we both weren't aware of early on. It took literal years to start sorting through it, AFTER we had a child together.

 

I don't "regret" it. But I really really don't recommend it either. Relationships can be tough enough without racing to the bottom of your expectations.

 

And ironically, I find that people who have "everything taken care of" for them generally resent it instead of appreciating it. IMHO.

 

Awesome advice, thank you DreamingOfTigers. You have very knowledgable insight, this has really helped me loads! It's awkward talking about it with family that don't want to discuss a dirtbag they didn't approve of. I got kicked out at one point because my mum couldn't cope with knowing I was still seeing him. Thank fully I got a grip, created distance with him and stuck to my guns.

 

Lots of people I went to school with are now married or engaged and it made me feel left out. My ex is from that sort of area where they have kids really young (usually pregnant at 18) and move into a council house. I'm on the opposite spectrum where my family always told me to wait after university and career. This conflict made me confused and ultimately he was trying to dominate my thinking and persuade me to fall into his 'life plan'. Probably all to compete with his baby mother more than anything else. As you said, live and learn!