Negging

[jen1447]

Just want to say that I don't intend to build anything with anyone who uses this particular tool. I really don't care how skilled or not he may be with it. I've known men capable of building a relationship with me without needing that tool at all. By passing it off as some kind of animate object, you're essentially saying it's okay to use any method to secure a relationship as long as you're good at it.

 

No, sorry. Manipulation tactics are not okay in my book for any reason and no matter how skilfully used.

 

It's manipulating basic social conditioning. Because most people are conditioned to please others so expressing displeasure alongside a crumb of approval will essentially engage childhood programming of a person needing to seek approval from others.

 

The men on this thread defending it because it 'works' or because they are 'good at it' just display their ulterior motives in relationships. That they ultimately seek to manipulate others for whatever reasons. It doesn't matter if those reasons are benign, benevolent or malevolent. They all stem from the same core craving, selfish gratification of their own wants and little regard for the other person involved.

 

Damn B, you're on point today! Preach, girl.

[jen1447]

I don't use negs to 'tear people down'; I use them for a laugh. And, most of the time, I don't even realise that It's a 'neg', I just see it as winding people up, or teasing.

 

Is the laugh at their expense? If so that's tearing them down, and you might just be the 'unwitting passive-aggressive guy.' Not an uncommon personality type unfortunately. :-/

 

~

 

btw I think we all know that 'hydra dubstep' or whatever he's called never bedded 50+ women. Using his special mad negging skillz or not.

[SammySammy]

It's like giving fireworks to children. And then having them blow up in their face.

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Negs are a classic humour device. You lead someone in one direction, before changing unexpectedly. They shouldn't feel insulting IMO.

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I think the intent behind things is what's important here. Things that come from an insecure place rarely work out well.

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I don't use negs to 'tear people down'; I use them for a laugh. And, most of the time, I don't even realise that It's a 'neg', I just see it as winding people up, or teasing.

 

Right.

 

Negs were intended to be a way to humorously engage highly attractive, highly confident and highly secure women. Something different to make them laugh and give you a chance to build rapport with women who have heard it all before.

 

In my opinion, 90-95% of women should never be negged. All of these women hurt, confused and offended should definitely have never been negged.

 

However, in specific situations, it can help build rapport. It's just a matter of knowing when, where and how to do it.

 

Most guys are clueless though. Negging everybody. And that's where the problem lies.

[losangelena]

You're a perfect angel in an imperfect world

 

You've also never faced something as simple as a job interview.

 

Omg, did Buddhist just get negged?

[MightyPen]

I think I negged a few women in the late 90s. Please no one lash me with a wet (or dry) noodle.

 

I don't think I was consciously trying to be mean or anything...I just lean towards sarcasm and bluntness, and I like banter...I guess I figure anything was better than the regular old boring lines and responses. I was certainly unaware that it was a "thing." I probably even though I was being original.

 

If my memory serves me correct, it worked really well twice. But it was never mean-spirited...more like teasing.

 

So maybe it wasn't negging? I'm lost.

[Miss Peach]

He told me that I was beautiful but that my teeth weren't white enough! ��

 

One of the 'manuals' on this topic is the book The Game. That line was actually in there.

 

Could we please have an example? A scenario, with dialogue, of the kind of negging that goes over well. And not just where the negger gets to have sex with the woman, but where it's apparent that the woman genuinely is into the guy post-neg.

 

I have a male friend who says all sorts of outrageous things and women flock to him. He seems to invoke a reaction of 'What did he just say?' and 'What will he say next?'. It's not necessarily anything mean like a lot of these men do. It does work for him. He routinely gets numbers thrown at him by attractive women 10+ years younger. This is a guy who is heavily, balding, no ambition, etc. Totally not what most men think women want.

 

"Oh, quit being so sensitive."

 

Based on what you posted it sounds more like this guys was verbally abusive more than negging. Negging is usually done to get attention from the target woman and knock her off balance a little so the guy can swoop in. The 'sensitive line' is actually discusses a bit in Patricia Evan's book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship".

 

It's manipulating basic social conditioning. Because most people are conditioned to please others so expressing displeasure alongside a crumb of approval will essentially engage childhood programming of a person needing to seek approval from others.

 

Exactly. That's why it works on people with low set esteem.

 

Truly nice people aren't. People who call themselves 'nice guys' are. It shouldn't be nice guys come last. It should be people who call themselves nice guys come last. They use it as an excuse. "No-one wants me because I'm too nice. I must become a d*** instead to get women". Deep down, they've always been a d*** in my opinion.

 

I hate this mentality and see it a lot on LS. Women want a nice guy but we also want a confident guy.

 

They neg, I'm out. Hate wasting my Time. People neg because they have nothing interesting to say.

 

I get bored easily & lack patience. A guy insulting me will most likely not get an answer, I tire easily when I explain obvious things to retards.

 

Totally agree

 

I've never felt the need to neg anyone in a job interview if that's what you're asking.

 

I've been negged by people I was interviewing. I work in a male dominated field so some men don't take me seriously. You can bet I didn't recommend them for the job.

[Zapbasket]

I think I negged a few women in the late 90s. Please no one lash me with a wet (or dry) noodle.

 

I don't think I was consciously trying to be mean or anything...I just lean towards sarcasm and bluntness, and I like banter...I guess I figure anything was better than the regular old boring lines and responses. I was certainly unaware that it was a "thing." I probably even though I was being original.

 

If my memory serves me correct, it worked really well twice. But it was never mean-spirited...more like teasing.

 

So maybe it wasn't negging? I'm lost.

 

Playful ribbing and witty banter are not the same as negging. It's a fine line, for sure, but my visceral reaction to one as opposed to the other alerts me as to what is going on. For instance: at my work everyone is in on a running joke about my driving. I drive fast and I hate people who hang in the left lane and don't move over when you want to pass. Co-workers have seen me blaring up the road to our office and they tease me about it. Is it at my expense? Yes. But is it mean-spirited? No, because at the root of it they respect me and actually even respect my driving, in that these same co-workers will let me drive company vehicles, one let me drive his personal snowmobile, and several continue to accept rides from me.

 

An example of mean-spirited teasing, a.k.a. "negging," would be: "You were flying up the road again like a bat out of hell. Too bad your brain isn't as fast as your wheels! Hahahaha." That's stuffing a personal attack inside a guise of "playful banter." It's passive-aggressive and cowardly, in that the person can always say, "Why are you so offended? I was only teasing."

 

In college one of my mentors said to me, "Intentions always manifest themselves, even when people try to hide them. If your intention is to overpower others or appear 'better-than,' eventually that will become clear. Likewise if your intention is to further your own learning and help foster an environment where everyone can learn."

 

Negging is teasing with ill-intent. The person isn't reacting to what is said so much as the hostility behind it. When you come from a good-natured place, truly, then you won't have people taking offense to it.

[soph-walker]

I hope you got that the flash of rage I mentioned having toward this subject was not a devaluing of your thread. I think it's great that you started this thread.

 

Absolutely not, I share the flash of rage just thinking about Negging and the fact it's used by guys so frequently now. It's completely ruined OLD for me and I now expect to be negged so are therefore sniffing it out at the earliest opportunity if I'm on a date with a guy, when I'd really like to be relaxing and enjoying his company.

 

I think I've opened up a can of worms with this thread but I wanted other women to be aware of negging- ladies, I hope you tell everyone you know about it and know that you don't have to tolerate it!!!

 

The worst case of Negging I can think of was a guy who ended up saying that I was perfect but his subconcious saw me as a friend.

This is after two dates and then a third..he told me he thought I was a serial dater, told me he hoped I wasn't getting too much unwanted attention, spoke about my chest (it's quite ample), told me 'If he didn't have the desire to see a woman naked after a date or two, didn't see the point in pushing it' and also accused me of being on dates with other guys on the nights I wasn't able to meet up with him for another date.

He later apologised profusely for all of his wrong doings and even convinced me to go on a third date and told me his lack of sensitivity was due to previous dates wasting his time.

 

After dealing with that, I woke up and smelt the coffee and now will refuse to stand for sh*t no matter how interested I am in a guy. I will cut them off no questions asked!!

Edited April 13, 2016 by soph-walker

[Haydn]

So close to `jeggings....`

 

Or maybe not.

[Jabron1]

Absolutely not, I share the flash of rage just thinking about Negging and the fact it's used by guys so frequently now. It's completely ruined OLD for me and I now expect to be negged so are therefore sniffing it out at the earliest opportunity if I'm on a date with a guy, when I'd really like to be relaxing and enjoying his company.

 

I think I've opened up a can of worms with this thread but I wanted other women to be aware of negging- ladies, I hope you tell everyone you know about it and know that you don't have to tolerate it!!!

 

The worst case of Negging I can think of was a guy who ended up saying that I was perfect but his subconcious saw me as a friend.

This is after two dates and then a third..he told me he thought I was a serial dater, told me he hoped I wasn't getting too much unwanted attention, spoke about my chest (it's quite ample), told me 'If he didn't have the desire to see a woman naked after a date or two, didn't see the point in pushing it' and also accused me of being on dates with other guys on the nights I wasn't able to meet up with him for another date.

He later apologised profusely for all of his wrong doings and even convinced me to go on a third date and told me his lack of sensitivity was due to previous dates wasting his time.

 

After dealing with that, I woke up and smelt the coffee and now will refuse to stand for sh*t no matter how interested I am in a guy. I will cut them off no questions asked!!

 

I think you may be getting a wee bit paranoid.

 

It's simple. If it's not fun, don't hang out with him.

[PogoStick]

I'm not sure how much this guy was actually negging vs just being an insecure mess of a man. So is it really about so many men "negging", or is it about this one guy who you're upset with?

 

I agree you're blowing it out of proportion. It's not as widespread as you think and you'll end up projected negativity onto future dates who don't deserve it.

[soph-walker]

This guy said worse things in between too- asked me why all women love to talk about themselves so much when no ones really interested in hearings what they have to say.

 

I've had another guy on a date say to me that I'm fatter than my pictures.

 

Another said that I'm quite intelligent for a woman.

 

Still think it's blown out of proportion..?

Edited April 14, 2016 by soph-walker

[Hughes101]

Negging is a rhetorical strategy whereby a person makes a deliberate backhanded compliment or otherwise insulting remark to another person in order to undermine his or her confidence in a way that gains approval. The term was coined and proscribed by the seduction community.

 

So I'm increasingly finding I'm on the receiving end of this as I use OLD.

 

Whether it's receiving initial messages from guys via dating sites/apps or actually in person and I'm not sure how seriously to take it or what the best way to handle it is.

 

It seems that it's a tactic guys use with women- I'm yet to hear of a guy saying he's been 'negged'.

 

Thoughts?

 

Guys don't get "negged" because you have no need to try to increase your percieved "value" this way.

 

I always thought it was a subtle and a bit playful thing rather than being offensive. I think they're doing it wrong.

[Jabron1]

This guy said worse things in between too- asked me why all women love to talk about themselves so much when no ones really interested in hearings what they have to say.

 

I've had another guy on a date say to me that I'm fatter than my pictures.

 

Those aren't 'negs'. In fact, most of what you've said here isn't either.

 

The worst case of Negging I can think of was a guy who ended up saying that I was perfect but his subconcious saw me as a friend.

This is after two dates and then a third..he told me he thought I was a serial dater, told me he hoped I wasn't getting too much unwanted attention, spoke about my chest (it's quite ample), told me 'If he didn't have the desire to see a woman naked after a date or two, didn't see the point in pushing it' and also accused me of being on dates with other guys on the nights I wasn't able to meet up with him for another date.

 

The worst case of negging you can think of wasn't even negging.

 

Still think it's blown out of proportion..?

 

Yeah. I think you are attributing everything under the sun to one small pick-up technique.

 

Some guy asks a stupid question? Must be a neg.

Some guy is insecure about you seeing other men? Must be a neg.

Some guy admires your t*ts? Must be a neg.

 

Not getting on at you or anything - just trying to give you some perspective.

 

Don't get paranoid over this stuff. If it ain't fun, walk away.

[soph-walker]

Those aren't 'negs'. In fact, most of what you've said here isn't either.

 

 

 

The worst case of negging you can think of wasn't even negging.

 

 

 

Yeah. I think you are attributing everything under the sun to one small pick-up technique.

 

Some guy asks a stupid question? Must be a neg.

Some guy is insecure about you seeing other men? Must be a neg.

Some guy admires your t*ts? Must be a neg.

 

Not getting on at you or anything - just trying to give you some perspective.

 

Don't get paranoid over this stuff. If it ain't fun, walk away.

 

Dude, I see where you're coming from and I'm not looking to get into a backwards/forwards posting situation with you, but this guy negged me.

 

I didn't say he admired my chest did I, you assumed that's what he did.

 

I know the difference between being negged and a guy who's asking silly questions. I'd be happy to send you a manuscript of all of the other things this guy said to me and then you can make a more informed decision?

[Jabron1]

I'd be happy to send you a manuscript of all of the other things this guy said to me and then you can make a more informed decision?

 

 

For some reason this made me think of a woman sitting at a typewriter typing out negs like this:

 

 

Dude, I see where you're coming from and I'm not looking to get into a backwards/forwards posting situation with you, but this guy negged me.

 

Alright, he negged you. Why didn't you just dump him?

 

It's only a neg, not a voodoo spell.

[elaine567]

Negging is not "a playful thing", teasing and making jokes are playful, negging has a purpose and should never be tolerated by any woman.

Walk away.

[soph-walker]

 

For some reason this made me think of a woman sitting at a typewriter typing out negs like this:

 

 

 

 

Alright, he negged you. Why didn't you just dump him?

 

It's only a neg, not a voodoo spell.

 

He was one of the few guys in my stint with OLD that I considered getting to know properly (Negging aside)- we shared similar views, tastes, he made me laugh, I also fancied him like hell. He effectively chipped away at my confidence though and I kind of lost sight, I overlooked it cause I was into him. He even spoke badly about my family when we both brought up each other's family (as you do when you're getting to know someone). He spoke about what I wore in rude terms too. It makes me cringe to think about it let alone list it on here, so I think I'll leave it at that.

 

I wasn't into him because of his Negging though.. Wanted to make that bit clear.

[losangelena]

Who cares what it's called? Jesus, it's effing rude is what it is. Just say goodbye.

[GorillaTheater]

I think I negged a few women in the late 90s. Please no one lash me with a wet (or dry) noodle.

 

I don't think I was consciously trying to be mean or anything...I just lean towards sarcasm and bluntness, and I like banter...I guess I figure anything was better than the regular old boring lines and responses. I was certainly unaware that it was a "thing." I probably even though I was being original.

 

If my memory serves me correct, it worked really well twice. But it was never mean-spirited...more like teasing.

 

So maybe it wasn't negging? I'm lost.

 

 

I haven't read enough PUA stuff to even be that conversant on what negging means, exactly, although some of the examples given by the women on this and other threads make me wonder how some of these guys manage to get through life with their ears still attached to their heads.

 

 

But I get what you mean, and I think I'm much the same way. When I was dating (and it wasn't for very long before I was taken out of circulation), humor was always my go-to. Obviously, humor is pretty subjective and not all of the girls/women thought I was nearly as hysterical as I thought it was, so they may have taken some of it as more mean-spirited than I ever intended. I'd tease, but I don't think I usually crossed the line. I'd certainly never insult a woman's appearance or intelligence, but a mannerism I found funny was certainly fair game. Still is to this day. You should hear my wife and I, or my kids and I, trade mild shots at each other.

 

 

The only exception was when I was with somebody I found a bit obnoxious. I was probably guilty as hell of negging in those instances, but it wasn't for purposes of seduction, it was strictly sport with someone I knew I'd never see again.

[PrettyEmily77]

Just assumed 'negging' was a new-age way of cooking eggs, probably as an accompaniment to 'breadcumbs' - obviously not.

 

 

Either way, it looks bad OP.

[Toodaloo]

Who cares what it's called? Jesus, it's effing rude is what it is. Just say goodbye.

 

I was going to say it but she already did...

[jen1447]

I haven't read enough PUA stuff to even be that conversant on what negging means, exactly, although some of the examples given by the women on this and other threads make me wonder how some of these guys manage to get through life with their ears still attached to their heads.

 

 

But I get what you mean, and I think I'm much the same way. When I was dating (and it wasn't for very long before I was taken out of circulation), humor was always my go-to. Obviously, humor is pretty subjective and not all of the girls/women thought I was nearly as hysterical as I thought it was, so they may have taken some of it as more mean-spirited than I ever intended. I'd tease, but I don't think I usually crossed the line. I'd certainly never insult a woman's appearance or intelligence, but a mannerism I found funny was certainly fair game. Still is to this day. You should hear my wife and I, or my kids and I, trade mild shots at each other.

 

 

The only exception was when I was with somebody I found a bit obnoxious. I was probably guilty as hell of negging in those instances, but it wasn't for purposes of seduction, it was strictly sport with someone I knew I'd never see again.

 

You actually illustrate the distinction pretty well here - negging is used specifically and explicitly as a ploy to undermine a vulnerable person's self esteem so that, theoretically, they'll become more inclined to sleep with you (or if you're looking at the long game, be a partner under your thumb) as a result. So the person doing the negging says "you're not as fat as some ppl I've dated" in order to bring about the desired response, not just for sport or bc they don't have any social grace or they're dumb.

 

So being as you weren't trying to dismantle a person's ego so they'd lose their sexual discretion, you weren't negging. Congrats.

 

Anyway it's not just an insult bc you can usually see those for what they are and react to them properly. Negging remarks are usually deliberately hidden around otherwise generally affectionate or positive behavior, which makes them more difficult to perceive for what they are and in a strange way puts the onus of social propriety on the victim. They're made to feel unsure of the attacker's intentions and thus wonder whether responding appropriately would be a social faux pas.

 

If you're on the train and a stranger says they hate the way you dress, it's easy to tell them to eff off bc the insult is clear and direct and you've got no skin in the game. Or if the goofy friend in your social circle who makes a habit of taking the piss out of everybody gives you crap about sth, you can let it slide bc you know they're just goofy and they don't actually mean to insult. But if someone you're on a date with (with the implication being the meet is friendly) says you're hair would be so much prettier if you didn't have it highlighted while also complimenting your shoes, it can be difficult to know how to react appropriately and you risk looking like a reactionary fool if you tell them to eff off and storm out. That's exactly the conundrum they want to put you in. They're bscly just another form of con man, trying to get sth out of you without you really realizing what they're up to.

[Imported]

How does "you're not as fat as some people I've dated", get her to have sex with you??????

[Haydn]

I haven't read enough PUA stuff to even be that conversant on what negging means, exactly, although some of the examples given by the women on this and other threads make me wonder how some of these guys manage to get through life with their ears still attached to their heads.

 

 

But I get what you mean, and I think I'm much the same way. When I was dating (and it wasn't for very long before I was taken out of circulation), humor was always my go-to. Obviously, humor is pretty subjective and not all of the girls/women thought I was nearly as hysterical as I thought it was, so they may have taken some of it as more mean-spirited than I ever intended. I'd tease, but I don't think I usually crossed the line. I'd certainly never insult a woman's appearance or intelligence, but a mannerism I found funny was certainly fair game. Still is to this day. You should hear my wife and I, or my kids and I, trade mild shots at each other.

 

 

The only exception was when I was with somebody I found a bit obnoxious. I was probably guilty as hell of negging in those instances, but it wasn't for purposes of seduction, it was strictly sport with someone I knew I'd never see again.

 

Exactly, most of this.

 

Obnoxious is when i cannot resist but not in a nasty way.

 

Only this morning my Better half was watching me arrange my quiff for the day and said..

 

`You`ll do, passable even` As she smacked my backside with a wet towel.

 

Enormous fun ensued..

 

 

But having read the thread it appears a very sad manipulation tactic by blokes who have no idea how to be themselves.