Negging

[grays]

I've not got intimate with any guy that's negged me, but ive been negged on before, yes.

 

I find its guys that are insecure about themselves and they seem to do it as a defender thing because deep down they know the woman is out of their league in terms of looks and or intelligence.

 

I'm happy I ran into this conversation. I didn't know there was a word for it, but I'm not too surprised it's a widespread practice. I have done a tone of OLD, but interestingly it's only happened to me once and it was one of the few guys I had met in the course of real life. I think I might have actually given him more of a chance bc I liked the idea that we had people and things in common, which is a rare occurrence for me.

 

Anyhow, he was extremely good looking, to the point that people were always staring at us in public. I was kind of wowed by that because I'm just completely average looking. But he was constantly and literally telling me that I was lucky to be with the best looking man in the room. But I remember his first comment that was really negging, which interestingly happened later the same day after he told me that he loved me and I told him that was nice and I liked him, but didn't feel like I knew him well enough to say I loved him. He told me that I was beautiful but that my teeth weren't white enough! Now I think it's actually kind of laughable, but it was cutting at the time, I think probably because I've always felt like my teeth were not white enough. At the time I felt like a deer caught in the headlights and said nothing, but after a couple more bozo moves on his part he asked me why I broke up with him and it felt so good to say that I have no reason to spend time with someone who says mean sh*t to me.

 

But in his case I'm pretty sure it was about being insecure. He looked so good but the reality of him didn't match it and he knew it.

[Zapbasket]

 

Anyhow, he was extremely good looking, to the point that people were always staring at us in public. I was kind of wowed by that because I'm just completely average looking. But he was constantly and literally telling me that I was lucky to be with the best looking man in the room.

 

Holy f-ing wow.

 

But I remember his first comment that was really negging, which interestingly happened later the same day after he told me that he loved me and I told him that was nice and I liked him, but didn't feel like I knew him well enough to say I loved him. He told me that I was beautiful but that my teeth weren't white enough!

 

Omg. "And you, dear, are handsome indeed, but your manners are downright ugly, you small-d*cked sh*t-sack."

 

Now I think it's actually kind of laughable, but it was cutting at the time, I think probably because I've always felt like my teeth were not white enough. At the time I felt like a deer caught in the headlights and said nothing, but after a couple more bozo moves on his part he asked me why I broke up with him and it felt so good to say that I have no reason to spend time with someone who says mean sh*t to me.

 

High-five, sista!!! PERFECT move on your part.

 

But in his case I'm pretty sure it was about being insecure. He looked so good but the reality of him didn't match it and he knew it.

 

I think you hit the nail on the head. You don't treat people this way unless you are deeply insecure. As someone said on one of my threads where I struggled with how to understand (ha!) a guy who engaged in "teasing" a.k.a. negging all the time: "There are two ways to get on top of the performance hierarchy--by pulling others down, or by excelling yourself." If you are excelling, and have good self-esteem, and genuinely have some ability, the only thing that feels acceptable to you is to build others up, not tear them down. The only thing negging reveals is that the person doing it is a total loser. That's a fact and I so wish I'd known this 10 years ago.

Edited April 13, 2016 by GreenCove

[Dis]

These type of people/guys arnt worthy of a response. However if one of these guys catches me on a bad day I'll say something back. But 99% of the time I will ignore and block.

 

I have gotten one that read:

 

Face=7/10

Boobs=10/10

Body=8/10

 

The OLD user who sent me that message didnt have a photo so I said:

 

Seeing as you dont even have a photo I'll assume the following...

 

Face=2/10

Moobs=10/10

Body=1/10

 

Then I immediatly blocked him. I wasnt feeling too charitable that day

Edited April 13, 2016 by Disillusionment373

[aussietigerwolf]

I was standing at a bus stop one day and a guy came up to me and said I'd be pretty if I lost weight... I gave him a glare and moved to the other side of the bus stop from him.

[Zapbasket]

I was standing at a bus stop one day and a guy came up to me and said I'd be pretty if I lost weight... I gave him a glare and moved to the other side of the bus stop from him.

 

One of my favorite-ever comebacks is from Carrie in Sex in the City. She and the ladies are at a casino, at the blackjack table, if I remember correctly--and Miranda is pregnant. A group of guys is also at the table, and one guy says something to his buddy along the lines of, "...next to the fat one" (referring to Miranda). Carrie swiftly comes to her defense: "She's pregnant! What's YOUR excuse? What are you expecting--triplets???"

 

In your situation, you could have said, "And the sad thing is, even if you weren't such an a-hole, you STILL wouldn't be handsome."

 

I never think of comebacks until long after the fact; usually I do as you did and say nothing, or pretend I didn't hear.

[aussietigerwolf]

It was even more weird and rude as I'm scrawny... I've heard every skinny joke there is and then some random guy just comes up and says that.

[SandraTempleton]

And there's no proper way to set up a 'neg'. No matter what you end up looking like an immature p***k. How would you feel if a man were to treat your mom or sister this way?

[Zapbasket]

it's not the negging. it's the poorly done negging. i learned quickly to time it right and say it in the right tone. if that's done she usually jokes that she hates it yet can't get enough of it and enough of the guy. negging must be done right

 

Could we please have an example? A scenario, with dialogue, of the kind of negging that goes over well. And not just where the negger gets to have sex with the woman, but where it's apparent that the woman genuinely is into the guy post-neg.

[soph-walker]

THIS. Couldn't have said it better.

 

For some reason, this talk about "negging" really got up my craw, to the point that I wanted to shout at the screen that it isn't even worth mentioning because it is WRONG. But once that flash of rage passed, I felt that if talking about this thing helps ONE woman--the OP, or another woman reading this thread--get out of the fog this kind of treatment can produce and nip the interaction in the bud, then this is great.

 

Increasingly I am feeling that when something FEELS bad in an interaction, it generally IS bad, and you need to walk away. Period; no gray areas; no debates to be had. You walk away and hold your head high and only engage in interactions that UPLIFT you, that make you feel SEEN and HEARD, that palpably give you something back, even if in that small way of a momentary soar in the navel of your being.

 

I don't know where or why so many of us--women especially, but men, as well--learn to make excuses for rude behavior. Persistently rude people are NOT nice people: their rudeness doesn't necessarily make them villains, but it does suggest that they're not going to be very pleasant to deal with in an intimate or ongoing way. Therefore if you can't outright shun them (as you can on a dating site; just stop communicating and block them if they persist), you have to find ways to minimize the level of engagement. Certainly you don't invest in them, and you don't engage in trying to get them to like you because THEY REALLY ARE NOT WORTH IT.

 

Here's one example: Today, I had a meeting in our corporate office, which is a 10-minute drive from the location of the office where I work. Next to the corporate office is a beloved bakery and whenever I go to meetings at the corporate office, I pick up some pastries for my office. The last time I did this, I picked up an apple turnover for my coworker, let's call him Jake. He really enjoyed it and so this time I again bought him an apple turnover. When he returned to his office from a meeting, I asked him if he saw it on his desk. "Yes," he said. "Is that all they have ever--apple turnovers?"

 

No "thank you," just that question, "Is that all they have?" I said, "Well, you enjoyed it a lot last time, so I went with apple turnover again." Still no thank you or even a sign that he was looking forward to eating it. Nothing.

 

Now, Jake is not a bad guy and actually he's good to work with and overall nice enough. But I decided then and there that this is the last time he's getting anything from me, from that bakery or even generally. He's ungracious, and no doubt that translates into a slew of other rude behaviors if you know him more intimately. Hence, it's not worth it to know him more intimately, not that I was seeking to. He just showed that he's not worth really engaging with or investing in save for the minimum required to keep a smooth working environment.

 

People who are worth investing in might be insensitive at times, but they will commensurately step forward in some way, consistently, at every stage of a relationship. Being around them feels good and doesn't set off any internal niggling voice.

 

I didn't used to pay attention to these kinds of signals, and gave people chance after chance after chance. And I wouldn't, if I could do the last 20 or so years all over again. It NEVER, EVER, EVER was worth it, not even a little bit.

 

I agree with you 100% here!

 

It really is something so puerile and childish, however..I made a thread about it to raise awareness as it seems to be a common thing at the moment in particular and I think that maybe some women aren't aware it's being used as a dating tactic.

 

It's a disgusting and frankly pathetic way to engage a woman's interest.

[Zapbasket]

I agree with you 100% here!

 

It really is something so puerile and childish, however..I made a thread about it to raise awareness as it seems to be a common thing at the moment in particular and I think that maybe some women aren't aware it's being used as a dating tactic.

 

It's a disgusting and frankly pathetic way to engage a woman's interest.

 

I hope you got that the flash of rage I mentioned having toward this subject was not a devaluing of your thread. I think it's great that you started this thread.

 

Obviously this topic stirs up emotion in me because I spent 3.5 years with that guy I mentioned, who teased me a lot (I only just learned the term, "negging" thanks to your thread). His teasing, especially in the beginning when even my propensity to blame myself illogically for poor interactions couldn't obfuscate the fact that the tone of his teasing was unwarranted, put me in a constant state of anxiety and confusion because I just could not understand WHY this otherwise nice-seeming guy would ruin our time together with this puerile stuff. He didn't even "need" to do it to keep my interest, since I was around him because I found him interesting. His teasing hurt me because he just could never put a sock in it and if I did try to express my displeasure, even when done in the gentlest of ways, he would shut me down with, "Oh, quit being so sensitive."

 

What I remember of what I felt at the time was this sense of something being off-kilter and me constantly trying to right the situation so that I could feel comfortable. I just could not understand the hostility conveyed in his teasing. I know I can take ribbing and I can dish it, too, but this felt different. I had just moved to a rural mountain town from years spent living in huge cosmopolitan cities and I was very alone and vulnerable, really wanting to make connections with people, and so I was perhaps less on my game than I otherwise would have been. This led me to endlessly excuse his behavior even while eventually it made me absolutely furious.

 

In the aftermath, I mainly remember the whole relationship as a hurtful experience to which I wish I'd never subjected myself. I knew at the time that I needed to get out, but so many things were commensurately going wrong in my life that I just could not muster the strength. So, yes, I could say to guys like df duck who say that negging is a good way to win women that indeed I was won into a relationship by negging, but I'd have to counter that I fail to see how any of this experience was a positive thing, for either of us. How did he "win" anything when all he managed to do was leave me with memories of alienation and hurt? For the rest of my life I will never remember him fondly, when I could have loved him so much for the sweetness that I knew was somewhere in him. Or I thought I knew that--I'm now much less swayed by the idea of "hidden treasures" in a person: a person worthy of my time today wins me over with obvious manifestations of kindness, solicitude, and self-awareness.

 

I can't understand how people can't realize just what a attraction point it is when they are generous and kind. How can it possibly feel good to refer to yourself, to use df duck on this thread as an example, as someone who "used to be a nice guy"?

Edited April 13, 2016 by GreenCove

[SammySammy]

These pick up "gurus" are giving these guys "tools" without teaching them how to build a house.

 

Negging is a hammer. Even the most ignorant, unskilled guy can use a hammer. That's why you have all of these nitwits out here throwing around random negs to random women for no apparent reason.

 

Because they don't know a skilled carpenter mostly uses his hammer to build things. Not to tear them down.

 

That's what happens when you just have a tool, but no plan or knowledge of how to do something constructive with it.

[Haydn]

How can insulting someone ever be considered a `chat up line?`

 

What am i missing here.....

 

`Your eyes are beautiful but the hair needs a bit of work, but you scrub up quite well`

[Buddhist]

That's what happens when you just have a tool, but no plan or knowledge of how to do something constructive with it.

 

Just want to say that I don't intend to build anything with anyone who uses this particular tool. I really don't care how skilled or not he may be with it. I've known men capable of building a relationship with me without needing that tool at all. By passing it off as some kind of animate object, you're essentially saying it's okay to use any method to secure a relationship as long as you're good at it.

 

No, sorry. Manipulation tactics are not okay in my book for any reason and no matter how skilfully used.

[Buddhist]

How can insulting someone ever be considered a `chat up line?`

 

What am i missing here.....

 

`Your eyes are beautiful but the hair needs a bit of work, but you scrub up quite well`

 

It's manipulating basic social conditioning. Because most people are conditioned to please others so expressing displeasure alongside a crumb of approval will essentially engage childhood programming of a person needing to seek approval from others.

 

The men on this thread defending it because it 'works' or because they are 'good at it' just display their ulterior motives in relationships. That they ultimately seek to manipulate others for whatever reasons. It doesn't matter if those reasons are benign, benevolent or malevolent. They all stem from the same core craving, selfish gratification of their own wants and little regard for the other person involved.

[Tribble]

The sad thing is, this isn't exclusive to dating. Before 'negging' was even a thing, I was experiencing it in school. One of my best (girl) friends did it. I used to go away from interactions with her, think about it and realise what she'd said to me. At first, they sounded like compliments. But when I went away and thought about it, they weren't. And it took a while to see it. That is why people engaging in it are 'successful' with women. Because when done 'well', you don't immediately realise that these things aren't compliments.

 

 

Note I've said 'successful'. Because it isn't really success. Once people realise what is going on, realise why they always feel not quite good enough, they'll leave. That isn't success in dating unless you just want a steady stream of women leaving you.

 

 

No-one who is a 'nice guy' engages in this behaviour. Past or present. Nice is seen as a dirty word, but it really isn't. People have different successes with dating and trying to find an excuse for being unsuccessful isn't going to help. Employing PUA techniques to manipulate women into liking you isn't nice behaviour. It is manipulative and, in some cases, can turn abusive.

[Jabron1]

These pick up "gurus" are giving these guys "tools" without teaching them how to build a house.

 

It's like giving fireworks to children. And then having them blow up in their face.

 

This whole song is based on negs:

 

 

'You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen.... with a kebab'

 

Negs are a classic humour device. You lead someone in one direction, before changing unexpectedly. They shouldn't feel insulting IMO.

 

It seems that it's a tactic guys use with women- I'm yet to hear of a guy saying he's been 'negged'.

 

Men in general aren't as needy for attention as women are.

 

I suppose a female equivalent would be the sh*t-test. Such as when a random girl will walk over to a guy in a pub and suggest he buy her a drink.

 

I was standing at a bus stop one day and a guy came up to me and said I'd be pretty if I lost weight... I gave him a glare and moved to the other side of the bus stop from him.

 

That's just an example of an idiot. If one of my friends said this whilst we were out, I'd slap the stupid out of him. You're obviously going to be defensive if some random comes up to you and insults you. It's just going to cause trouble.

 

I think the intent behind things is what's important here. Things that come from an insecure place rarely work out well.

 

I don't use negs to 'tear people down'; I use them for a laugh. And, most of the time, I don't even realise that It's a 'neg', I just see it as winding people up, or teasing.

 

No, sorry. Manipulation tactics are not okay in my book for any reason and no matter how skilfully used.

 

Oh come on...

 

I saw a thread on here yesterday where the women were advising a poster on how best to get a man to propose to her. The suggestions ranged from withdrawing sex/intimacy, to putting him on a 'break' and kicking him out of the house

 

Everyone is as bad as each other.

 

No-one who is a 'nice guy' engages in this behaviour.

 

'Nice guys' are some of the most manipulative of all.

 

ive even called them fat and gotten them into bed but with a smile in a joking way and timed right.

 

I stay well away from the subject of weight with women... really not worth it.

[Miss Clavel]

you don't neg your mom and sister. lol

 

 

telling a hot woman another woman in the restaurant looks better has worked. but it has to be timed right and in the right tone of voice. you'd be amazed at what has gotten them into bed. ive even called them fat and gotten them into bed but with a smile in a joking way and timed right. if you ladies hated this so much none of you would have ever had sex with me but over 50 have and most all were negged

 

 

congrats! 50 women with low self esteem went to bed with you.

 

any go back for seconds?

[Buddhist]

 

Oh come on...

 

I saw a thread on here yesterday where the women were advising a poster on how best to get a man to propose to her. The suggestions ranged from withdrawing sex/intimacy, to putting him on a 'break' and kicking him out of the house

 

And was I a participant in that thread by any chance? No, well there's your answer. Manipulation tactics are the resort of the insecure and immature. I don't care how the insecure and immature like to justify their behaviour. It all amounts to the same thing.

[William]

Responses to the latest recurrence of hydra df duk have been retained. Expect them to continue to seek to disrupt this thread.

[Tribble]

 

 

'Nice guys' are some of the most manipulative of all.

 

 

Truly nice people aren't. People who call themselves 'nice guys' are. It shouldn't be nice guys come last. It should be people who call themselves nice guys come last. They use it as an excuse. "No-one wants me because I'm too nice. I must become a d*** instead to get women". Deep down, they've always been a d*** in my opinion.

[Jabron1]

And was I a participant in that thread by any chance? No, well there's your answer. Manipulation tactics are the resort of the insecure and immature. I don't care how the insecure and immature like to justify their behaviour. It all amounts to the same thing.

 

You're a perfect angel in an imperfect world

 

You've also never faced something as simple as a job interview.

 

 

Truly nice people aren't. People who call themselves 'nice guys' are. It shouldn't be nice guys come last. It should be people who call themselves nice guys come last. They use it as an excuse. "No-one wants me because I'm too nice. I must become a d*** instead to get women". Deep down, they've always been a d*** in my opinion.

 

'Nice' behaviour is dependent on perspective.

[candie13]

They neg, I'm out. Hate wasting my Time. People neg because they have nothing interesting to say.

 

I get bored easily & lack patience. A guy insulting me will most likely not get an answer, I tire easily when I explain obvious things to retards.

[candie13]

I was standing at a bus stop one day and a guy came up to me and said I'd be pretty if I lost weight... I gave him a glare and moved to the other side of the bus stop from him.

 

Potential answers :

 

1. I am able to lose weight, you'll never be able to grow your IQ.

 

2. i have a fantastic personality & great cinversation skills that secure my career while keeping my friends entertained. The only favor You can do to humanity is shut up, so why don't You look pretty and close it ?

 

3. What exactly are your overcompensating for - no job, no career, small peewee?

[Buddhist]

You're a perfect angel in an imperfect world

 

You've also never faced something as simple as a job interview.

 

I've never felt the need to neg anyone in a job interview if that's what you're asking. Somehow answering questions with honesty and integrity focusing on what I can bring to the table seems to work for me. I've never gone for a job as a stand up comic though.

 

You can wrap it up anyway you like but humour that depends on being ugly to other people isn't humour. It's plain ugliness.

[jen1447]

"Oh, quit being so sensitive."

 

Ha - the go-to line of every passive aggressive person who's ever lived.

 

I can't understand how people can't realize just what a attraction point it is when they are generous and kind. How can it possibly feel good to refer to yourself, to use df duck on this thread as an example, as someone who "used to be a nice guy"?

 

I'm pretty sure some amount of self-loathing is actually involved on some level. It may seem odd on its face but there actually are some ppl out there who self-identify as a-holes and seem to take some pride in it. I assume in order to get to that place you have to acknowledge at some point that you're personally lacking in humanity and decide that you just don't care. I don't see how you can do that - sociopathy aside - without hating yourself.