Negging

[soph-walker]

Negging is a rhetorical strategy whereby a person makes a deliberate backhanded compliment or otherwise insulting remark to another person in order to undermine his or her confidence in a way that gains approval. The term was coined and proscribed by the seduction community.

 

So I'm increasingly finding I'm on the receiving end of this as I use OLD.

 

Whether it's receiving initial messages from guys via dating sites/apps or actually in person and I'm not sure how seriously to take it or what the best way to handle it is.

 

It seems that it's a tactic guys use with women- I'm yet to hear of a guy saying he's been 'negged'.

 

Thoughts?

[BlametheIrish]

I'd ignore that kind of juvenile behaviour. It's not worthy of a response in my opinion.

[Satu]

Ignore it as childish game-playing should be.

[losangelena]

Tell him he's overcompensating for his tiny penis and then block him.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Why do you feel a need to "handle it"?

 

Just ignore and move on. As already mentioned by the above posters, it's juvenile behavior and not worth the time or energy to sort it out.

 

Aim higher.

[Zapbasket]

What's an example? Is it along the lines of, "You're really pretty for someone twenty pounds or so overweight"?

[GemmaUK]

Happens loads on OLD.

I have just stopped the convo when this has happened.

 

I don't bother handling it.

Waste of my time.

[elaine567]

The idea is to undermine a woman's confidence by making backhanded or snide remarks – give a compliment with one hand, and take away with the other. It is about control, putting the man in charge of the interaction by pushing the woman to earn his approval.

Negging...

[soph-walker]

Why do you feel a need to "handle it"?

 

Just ignore and move on. As already mentioned by the above posters, it's juvenile behavior and not worth the time or energy to sort it out.

 

Aim higher.

 

I feel the need to handle it if I'm on a date with a guy and they do it..especially if it's been a good date up until they say something stupid like that.

 

Like..I can tell the difference between playful teasing and a guy that's pure rude, but it's been a fine line recently.

 

If a guy I've not actually met messages with some crap, I'll straight away block him and not get involved in dialogue, it's more face to face that I'm concerned with.

[elaine567]

It's disgusting but works on over ninety percent of females

Can you back up that claim?

[soph-walker]

Then he makes a comeback, then she does and before they know it are having sex. Negging works.

 

I've not got intimate with any guy that's negged me, but ive been negged on before, yes.

 

I find its guys that are insecure about themselves and they seem to do it as a defender thing because deep down they know the woman is out of their league in terms of looks and or intelligence.

[jen1447]

It's actually not sth that's faked or 'played' well. (Genuine ppl won't just adopt an antisocial trait at the drop of a hat.) When I've seen it IRL it's almost always been with ppl who are genuinely turd-ish, not good ppl acting like turds. So chances are if someone does that it's bc that's who they are, more or less.

[losangelena]

I feel the need to handle it if I'm on a date with a guy and they do it..especially if it's been a good date up until they say something stupid like that.

 

Like..I can tell the difference between playful teasing and a guy that's pure rude, but it's been a fine line recently.

 

If a guy I've not actually met messages with some crap, I'll straight away block him and not get involved in dialogue, it's more face to face that I'm concerned with.

 

I guess you could try and get really earnest and say, "why did you say/ask that?" I find that sometimes, when someone's ----ish, they'll crumble when asked to elaborate. If they're truly negging, they'll get defensive. Either way, you'll have your answer.

[William]

Looks like our usual hydra, today known as Kevin, invaded the thread but I'll leave the responses since most covered topical material. Topics like this are ripe for trolls so be on the lookout for that and report any suspicions to moderation. My apologies for letting the hydra get a foothold and please continue the discussion!

[clia]

I like losangelena's response, or I would say something along the lines of "Wow, what a rude thing to say" or "What a mean thing to say" followed by "Its getting late. I better go home now."

[Toodaloo]

Soph I am sorry to say that many men are reading PUA (Pick Up Artistry) books and a heck of a lot of it is full of this.

 

What those men do not realise is that it actually only works on women with Daddy issues and who are a bit coo coo any way so they keep going and keep trying with it.

 

If they start then just cut it dead. Just get up and walk out. Just ignore the message they send. Just cut it dead.

 

Far too many of these books about at the moment. Far too many guys turning into idiots by reading and believing them.

[Emilia]

I've just had one of my brief and rare engagements with OLD. I give it a twirl every other year or so.

 

Within two days I encountered it, ignored the first attempt in case I misread it (communication in writing), stopped talking to him after the 2nd.

 

I rarely encounter it in real life, I think I am much better at screening out asshats face to face very quickly. Another nail in OLD's coffin for me.

[SammySammy]

Soph I am sorry to say that many men are reading PUA (Pick Up Artistry) books and a heck of a lot of it is full of this.

 

What those men do not realise is that it actually only works on women with Daddy issues and who are a bit coo coo any way so they keep going and keep trying with it.

 

If they start then just cut it dead. Just get up and walk out. Just ignore the message they send. Just cut it dead.

 

Far too many of these books about at the moment. Far too many guys turning into idiots by reading and believing them.

 

True.

 

Much of pick up artistry is a collection of gimmicks like "negging" wielded clumsily by guys who don't understand seduction. Guys who don't understand how or why the gimmick "works".

 

If they learned seduction, they would know that you don't need to undermine a woman's confidence to attract her.

 

That's why these guys should be ignored. What happens when their bag of gimmicks is empty?

[Michelle ma Belle]

I don't know but this seems pretty straight forward to me.

 

You just tell them they're rude and end the date. Done.

 

If the guy's got the balls to be that inconsiderate while on a date with you than you have the right to leave his rude a** with the check and walk out. Again, a waste of anyone's energy to try and figure out his motives for suddenly tossing you a grenade. These guys are a**holes and shouldn't be given any more of your precious time.

 

ALWAYS meet the guy on the first date just for this reason - you may need a get-away-car.

[soph-walker]

I guess you could try and get really earnest and say, "why did you say/ask that?" I find that sometimes, when someone's ----ish, they'll crumble when asked to elaborate. If they're truly negging, they'll get defensive. Either way, you'll have your answer.

 

this-yes!

I was thinking along the lines of trying to form a witty put down to serve him but your suggestion nips it in the bud.

 

It always seems to be when it happens face to face I am so stumped by it that I can't find the right comeback in time.

 

Clia, what you said is dead on the mark too!

[soph-walker]

I don't know but this seems pretty straight forward to me.

 

You just tell them they're rude and end the date. Done.

 

If the guy's got the balls to be that inconsiderate while on a date with you than you have the right to leave his rude a** with the check and walk out. Again, a waste of anyone's energy to try and figure out his motives for suddenly tossing you a grenade. These guys are a**holes and shouldn't be given any more of your precious time.

 

ALWAYS meet the guy on the first date just for this reason - you may need a get-away-car.

 

I guess it's straight forward in most cases so I totally agree with you there.

 

The times in particular that stick in my memory are when I've been on a date with guys who clearly are not chest-puffing, d*ck swingers, but fairly quiet and thoughtful guys...I've thought 'what the hell?!' and took what they said with a pinch of salt when in retrospect I should have asked them at the time why they negged.

 

I think Toodaloo has the measure of it though- maybe my chaps had their noses buried in these crappy pua books!

[Emilia]

I guess it's straight forward in most cases so I totally agree with you there.

 

The times in particular that stick in my memory are when I've been on a date with guys who clearly are not chest-puffing, d*ck swingers, but fairly quiet and thoughtful guys...I've thought 'what the hell?!' and took what they said with a pinch of salt when in retrospect I should have asked them at the time why they negged.

 

I think Toodaloo has the measure of it though- maybe my chaps had their noses buried in these crappy pua books!

 

I don't trust quiet passive guys. I talk to men that look at me straight in the eye. Not the passive aggressive ones.

[Zapbasket]

Hmmm, you know, one morning I was teaching an assigned group ski lesson to a bunch of 8-year-old boys. As I waited to collect my class, I watched another instructor with his group, pushing the little boys over and generally rough-housing with them, and verbally teasing them in that kind of false lighthearted way that makes me cringe, because the teasing is actually kind-of mean. The little boys would fall into the snow and quickly scramble up and go for more from the instructor. Again he would push them down; again the boys would get up for more. And in response to the verbal teasing, the kids would try to tease back or would just physically push the instructor, also over and over.

 

As more kids arrived, our coordinator ended up assigning some of the boys from that instructor's class to my class. I felt a little worried that those boys would be disappointed at being switched, since I'm very boisterous and playful, but I don't roughhouse with kids and I don't tease them; I just play. I feared that those kids might find my style boring compared with the other instructor's style.

 

But once we got on the lift, one of those boys said to me, "I'm glad I'm not in that other instructor's class. He was a bully and I didn't like him."

 

This anecdote applies to the "negging" discussion, I think: many women, when faced with negging, will engage with it in an effort to hold their own with the guy...but most if not all women, like the little boys in my example, know that something is not quite right with it. I experienced this myself with a guy, who kept "teasing" me but sometimes it would be outright mean. I really, really hated it though I didn't want to appear sensitive and so tried to take it...until I couldn't anymore. Nothing good really comes out of trying to win women this way. Women know, deep down, that the person is an arsehole, and eventually they will call the guy out on it.

[Buddhist]

I realise the conversation has progressed somewhat but I'll just respond to the original question. I've dated guys who never negged me and I've met ones who have. It is by no means a given that a man must neg a woman in order to garner her respect. It's by no means a given that a man must neg a woman in order to get or maintain a relationship with a woman.

 

It's basically a sign of a mans personal maturity level. If he needs to constantly affirm his superiority to himself and his partner with this practice then he is indeed an insecure boy that cannot have a proper relationship to other people. Negging is all about manipulating ego's and coming out on top. Ask yourself if you ever want to be in a relationship with someone who puts their own ego as the top priority. I know I don't.

 

People who do this generally have the emotional maturity of a seven year old. If you wouldn't date a child, then don't date one in an adult body. It doesn't end well.

[Zapbasket]

I realise the conversation has progressed somewhat but I'll just respond to the original question. I've dated guys who never negged me and I've met ones who have. It is by no means a given that a man must neg a woman in order to garner her respect. It's by no means a given that a man must neg a woman in order to get or maintain a relationship with a woman.

 

It's basically a sign of a mans personal maturity level. If he needs to constantly affirm his superiority to himself and his partner with this practice then he is indeed an insecure boy that cannot have a proper relationship to other people. Negging is all about manipulating ego's and coming out on top. Ask yourself if you ever want to be in a relationship with someone who puts their own ego as the top priority. I know I don't.

 

People who do this generally have the emotional maturity of a seven year old. If you wouldn't date a child, then don't date one in an adult body. It doesn't end well.

 

THIS. Couldn't have said it better.

 

For some reason, this talk about "negging" really got up my craw, to the point that I wanted to shout at the screen that it isn't even worth mentioning because it is WRONG. But once that flash of rage passed, I felt that if talking about this thing helps ONE woman--the OP, or another woman reading this thread--get out of the fog this kind of treatment can produce and nip the interaction in the bud, then this is great.

 

Increasingly I am feeling that when something FEELS bad in an interaction, it generally IS bad, and you need to walk away. Period; no gray areas; no debates to be had. You walk away and hold your head high and only engage in interactions that UPLIFT you, that make you feel SEEN and HEARD, that palpably give you something back, even if in that small way of a momentary soar in the navel of your being.

 

I don't know where or why so many of us--women especially, but men, as well--learn to make excuses for rude behavior. Persistently rude people are NOT nice people: their rudeness doesn't necessarily make them villains, but it does suggest that they're not going to be very pleasant to deal with in an intimate or ongoing way. Therefore if you can't outright shun them (as you can on a dating site; just stop communicating and block them if they persist), you have to find ways to minimize the level of engagement. Certainly you don't invest in them, and you don't engage in trying to get them to like you because THEY REALLY ARE NOT WORTH IT.

 

Here's one example: Today, I had a meeting in our corporate office, which is a 10-minute drive from the location of the office where I work. Next to the corporate office is a beloved bakery and whenever I go to meetings at the corporate office, I pick up some pastries for my office. The last time I did this, I picked up an apple turnover for my coworker, let's call him Jake. He really enjoyed it and so this time I again bought him an apple turnover. When he returned to his office from a meeting, I asked him if he saw it on his desk. "Yes," he said. "Is that all they have ever--apple turnovers?"

 

No "thank you," just that question, "Is that all they have?" I said, "Well, you enjoyed it a lot last time, so I went with apple turnover again." Still no thank you or even a sign that he was looking forward to eating it. Nothing.

 

Now, Jake is not a bad guy and actually he's good to work with and overall nice enough. But I decided then and there that this is the last time he's getting anything from me, from that bakery or even generally. He's ungracious, and no doubt that translates into a slew of other rude behaviors if you know him more intimately. Hence, it's not worth it to know him more intimately, not that I was seeking to. He just showed that he's not worth really engaging with or investing in save for the minimum required to keep a smooth working environment.

 

People who are worth investing in might be insensitive at times, but they will commensurately step forward in some way, consistently, at every stage of a relationship. Being around them feels good and doesn't set off any internal niggling voice.

 

I didn't used to pay attention to these kinds of signals, and gave people chance after chance after chance. And I wouldn't, if I could do the last 20 or so years all over again. It NEVER, EVER, EVER was worth it, not even a little bit.