It was all going so well until...

[bicoastal]

I turned to this message board years ago after a bad breakup and found it very helpful. I occasionally still check in to read random threads for fun, but now I’ve come back needing advice again. Actually, not advice. More…clarification. Explanation. It’s a bit long, but it’s a fun read, I promise. AND I REALLY NEED SOME HELP HERE PEOPLE!

 

Let me start off by saying that while I’m not new to dating, I don’t go on a lot of “real” dates that often. I’m 30 years old now, I had the one big relationship starting when I was 20 (she was 6 years older) that lasted 3 years and and another thing a few years ago with a close friend that became something else for a minute, then went back to being just very close friends. In between all of that there’s been hooking up with people that I meet on Tinder, Instagram, etc… Casual dating where both parties were well aware it was for hanging out, hooking up and nothing else. I actually am fine with all this. It was fun. But that part of my life is over.

 

Almost a month ago, I met a girl at a party. I had known of this person for a long time, seen her around at various events/parties, and I thought of her as the gold standard. Totally my type (from what I could tell), and again, she was 6 years older than me (36 for those doing the math). We were finally introduced to each other at this party, and we ended up hitting it off. We spent about 40 minutes talking to each other. We were left behind by the people that we came to the party with. Clearly there was something happening. I’m not pushy, and I had no clue if she was single or not, so I said goodnight and "I’m sure we’ll see each other around soon." We went our separate ways, and of course, by the time I got home, I noticed she had followed me on Twitter. I played it cool and waited a beat to write her via direct message. Once I did, we started chatting a little bit every day via Twitter. Witty, funny, stupid things but also very nice things. It was flirty without being directly flirty. Messages were one or two a day, but there was also an instance one night where she she messaged me at 2am asking if I was going to be at a specific event coming up (we are in the same industry) and if she would see me there. I said yes, and we ended up texting back and forth for like 20 minutes at 2am. I was having the full butterflies experience. The following week, a Thursday morning, I sent her a message saying “hey, I’ll see you tonight, right? Here’s my number in case I can’t find you.” Later that day, just before the event, I get a text from her….so I now have her phone number. Yay. She says “I thought you were coming last night!” (This event was every night that week). She was still going to be at the event that night, so it was all good, but I just thought it was interesting that she was thinking of me the day before enough to think that I was coming that day. I took it as a sign.

 

I asked a mutual friend of ours to play matchmaker and maybe mention something and try to gauge how she feels about me. He said he would, as he did know for a fact she was single. I never heard back from him about it, but the girl and I ended up hanging in a bunch of group situations. We have a lot of mutual friends, so it was a normal thing. We kept ending up at the same bar. Twice, we were the last to leave. I also noticed she acted very different with me in person than over text. She didn’t really ignore me in person, but there wasn’t the flirting that was going on via text. I finally got sick of all the questions in my head and just asked her out. (Essentially, I’m really good at asking people out and have plenty of confidence about it if I know its just for a hook up. If it’s someone I actually have feelings for I get very nervous.) But I did it. And she said yes. What was supposed to be just drinks actually ended up being dinner. (I asked if she would probably be hungry..her reply “being hungry together sounds really nice.”) A few days before the date, that friend that I asked to play yenta said “So I hear you have a date.” My friend never told me, but he actually did play yenta and put in the good word. So, ok, yay. And now she’s telling him that its happening, so…fantastic, I guess.

 

The date itself is actually the least confusing part of this story. It was great. Fantastic, really. It was 6 hours long. We sat at dinner from 8pm to midnight. The first few moments, when were standing at the bar having a quick drink before our table was ready, I felt was very romantic. There was some hand on the back touching from both of us. It felt almost couple-ish for a second. Then as soon as we sat down, we talked straight for hours. Never a lull. Now, I wouldn’t describe it as “romantic” in the stereotypical sense, but I’m more of a brain person than a heart person. The brain is sexy to me. Nerdy, facty things are sexy. The restaurant was sexy, but it’s also a loud packed restaurant and we were at a cramped table. In my opinion, it’s a little hard to feel a romance vibe in that set up. After dinner, we were walking out and we started walking and I wasn’t quite sure where we were going (I thought we were just walking) and then she said…"you up for another drink?” Yes, Yes! I am! I’m up for all the drinks if we can just keep talking!

 

So we go to this other place. We’re there for just over an hour, more talking. And then finally, it was time to end the night. Now I’m thinking, ok, I better land a kiss before this night is up, so hopefully I can walk her home. I said “should we walk for a bit?” She replied “I think it’s too cold for that.” She’s saying that just as we walk out, and of course, there’s a cab right there waiting. So then there’s that awkward moment. There were people around, a cab right there, an open door, and it just didn’t feel right for the kiss. It just….didn’t. Not that I didn’t want to. But I think it would have felt forced and I think if she really wanted one she could have presented that moment to be possible. That moment is still a blur to me.I think I just said “uhhhh…” for a few seconds.

 

As she got in her cab I text her and said “well that didn’t end how I wanted it to. Hopefully we can see each other again.” She replied that she had so much fun, etc… she said “I think thats possible” in reply to me asking for another date. Ok. She said I was handsome. Ok. It didn’t leave me feeling so confident, but whatever. The next day, she sent me text saying how much fun she had but that… "in the hopes of total honesty, I'm not finding myself feeling the sparky romance between us. And I want to have my head examined for that because it makes me feel like I'm broken. I hope you understand...thank you for an awesome night and I would love to hang again, but I'm big on honesty. You're amazing. Don't hate me.”

 

OK. ok.

 

So here are things replaying in my mind:

• Whats the deal with having to feel “sparks” on a first date? First dates are awkward. I’m not saying you can’t fall instantly in love on a first date, I’m just saying thats rare. If you had a good time, especially a SIX HOUR GOOD TIME, why wouldn’t you go on a second date? Isn’t that when you really figure it out?
  
• What exactly is the “sparky romance” thing? Are we talking strictly physical attraction? If so, she was clearly attracted to me! All the flirting, all the hanging out, etc.. and then she said yes to a date!
  
• Why would you ask me for another drink after dinner if you weren’t feeling it between us?
  
• The kiss. Well I guess…the non-kiss. I keep thinking that if I had just done it, it would have made at least the second date happen. She walked away from the night without that feeling. So I suppose the night as a whole started somewhat romantically, then proceeded to get less romantic and then it just ended with a hug. I guess that doesn’t leave one feeling very inspired to see someone romantically again.
  
• Like I said, I had been attracted to her a long time before I ever met her. She didn’t know me. So while I was very clear in my head about how I felt about her, she was just starting to figure that out on her end. It makes me wonder if I was not able to tune in to how she was feeling about me on our date because I had this one feeling about her for so long.
  

 

Here’s what I know for sure about me. All I want to do is say to her “ok wait, lets do this again, because theres no reason that should have gone down like that.” But I’ve learned in life that talking about the thing only makes the thing worse. It’s best to just walk away. So I’m doing that. But I’m very analytical so I’m turning to YOU for your thoughts.

 

So…thoughts?

Edited April 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language~T

[bicoastal]

Well, at that point it was 2am. So that makes sense, but she wanted to walk earlier. If she had done that after dinner that would have made sense. But she invited me to another place. Thats whats so confusing.

[Satu]

Go out with the objective of having an enjoyable evening and nothing else.

 

Be a charming companion.

 

Bring the evening to a close before the enjoyment begins to pale.

 

 

Take care.

[Lovelorn00]

Well, at that point it was 2am. So that makes sense, but she wanted to walk earlier. If she had done that after dinner that would have made sense. But she invited me to another place. Thats whats so confusing.

 

It's super confusing, yes, but I agree with the others. I think it took 6 hours for her to realize that she just wasn't feeling it. That was a very long date. Let's say it usually takes someone 2-3 dates to figure out if they're into someone. The time you spent on this date could equal 2-3 dates, and she's experienced enough to know when it's there and when it isn't fairly quickly. Personally, I've done this. I've been on the fence with guys while out on a date. I would suggest going somewhere else for a drink or something, because we're having a good time, but I'm not sure if there's something there worth a second date. Personally, I usually do accept a second date, because I'm the kind of person who just wants to make sure, but my initial feelings end up being right in the end.

 

I also think that maybe she could detect some of the nervousness? I've learned the hard way that, despite my attempts to cover up the fact that I'm really into someone, the nervousness and anxiety shows in other ways. People can pick up on a "vibe" especially after 6 hours. You've been attracted to this girl for so long, then finally! now's your chance to go out with her. Maybe she picked up on this, and it was too much? I don't know. Just something to think about.

 

Whatever the reason, I feel you, OP. I know it sucks to go out with someone and have a great time and then it ends. I think she was being very polite and sincere in the way she did it, though. And it least she did it now and not later.