I'm sixty and was duped...sociopath ?

[couldgetlucky]

Hello All, I've been looking for a place to vent for the past 5 weeks. Thank you for this forum and any help and suggestions you can offer.

I'm a sixty year old man who found himself in a relationship with a 41 year old woman for almost a year. She unceremoniously dumped my about 5 weeks ago out of the blue...and it has been a bit devastating. I will also say that we met on a web site for SD/SB and I guess I believed in the " Pretty Woman" movie scenario! Yes there were signs and and I saw them and choose to ignore them, She is educated, has a securities license, and beautiful, no children a keeper or so I thought

 

She even lost her job early last year and lied about having a new job, I saw through it and confronted her and she owned up..but it was part of her personality, easier to lie than tell the truth

 

From what I've read it was an addiction on my part...and my anger made me think I was the sociopath for all the emails I sent !! I just couldn't believe someone who expressed love all the time could just chop it away like nothing

 

I'm much better now and going to see a counselor in a couple of weeks to talk it over.

 

I want to confront her with the list of lies and erracticness...I want to tell her mother!! How odd, I think that is what she fears the most being found out by her mother that she has met men from the sight. No doubt there is something in her past that her Mom knows about.

 

I know I need to walk away now..but why these thoughts of confronting??

 

Part of me wants to write a letter to her mother and put copies of her old emails from the web site etc...I know silly

 

I want to tell her she is a sociopath...Maybe its the father in me to try to straighten her out but probably not wise

 

Anyway I'm looking for any suggestions etc. Thanks for listening to my story

J

[jen1447]

Was she actually a sugar baby? (You paid her?)

 

I wouldn't do any of that. She's not a sociopath just for dumping you, unfair and hurtful as it may be. More likely she just approaches this stuff as a 'professional' and she's able to make quick business decisions when she has to. That's just being practical really when you're in that business.

 

Better for you to withdraw and stop all contact with her. You'll heal more quickly that way than by keeping it all in the moment thru continued interaction. (Also the "tell he mom" stuff is a bit juvenile ....be a bigger man than that.)

 

It might help you to write all your grievances down as if you were writing her a letter but don't actually send it.

[keiji]

I think it's a terrible idea to take revenge in this or most other instances. Chances are you'll feel much worse afterwards and you won't accomplish anything anyway. What's the point?

 

Go no contact and grieve the loss.

[Zahara]

I want to tell her she is a sociopath...Maybe its the father in me to try to straighten her out but probably not wise

J

 

Echoing Jen as well.

 

I wanted to also add -- if she is truly a sociopath as you believe, she couldn't give two hoots about what you have to say. And you don't straighten out a sociopath -- you'll be the one at the losing end.

[couldgetlucky]

I agree with all of you and what you have to say...thats why I vented and said what was on my mind

 

We did meet on a SB site and there was an exchange at the begining of money/gifts spoiling was the term used

 

It quickly became a relationship and the money ended. We did travel and I picked up those expense...we even went to Italy! so there was that exchange There was talk of a future etc. which I did buy into and thats probably what makes it hurt the most

 

When it initially went bad I googled things like ...who dumps someone out of the blue and without a warning etc. After they say the love you ec etc

 

And lots of Sociopath things come up. I do think there is a personality disorder involved Lots of issues and deceitfulness that I was happy to look over even when I saw it happen, but it cam to include me

 

Thanks for the input etc

 

J

[Satu]

Enjoy spectacular revenge fantasies if you like, but keep it out of the real world.

 

Revenge fantasies can be very therapeutic.

 

Also please note, that what you gave her of your own free will, doesn't count as a debt.

 

You gave it because you wanted to give.

 

 

Take care.

[BlueIris]

You’re in a bit of denial. You didn’t “find yourself in a relationship.” You voluntarily entered a business relationship that you actively sought out by going to that site, and then because of your own feelings, you tried to unilaterally change the terms of the arrangement (she’s a “keeper”). It sounds as though you fell in love with fantasy, so maybe your anger toward her is misplaced and you’re angry at yourself. Put away any thoughts of meddling in her life or confronting her because you could end up with a restraining order on you. I see nothing in your description of her behavior that indicates that she’s a sociopath, and it’s really good that you’re seeing a counselor. Own your part in it and I bet you’ll won’t be as angry.

[Methodical]

You were a willing participant for a year. You met on a sugar daddy website. You claim you saw signs but chose to ignore them, so why the hostility? You are the one who created this fantasy "Pretty Woman" scenario in your mind.

 

A sugar baby, the recipient of gifts, affection, money, etc. isn't going to tell you she's just in it for what she stands to gain. Of course she told you she loved you. The reality is that she loved the materialistic things you were able to provide.

 

You are hurt and angry bc you became emotionally invested. But honestly, a sixty year old man wanting to tell a forty-one year old's mother is juvenile. And the "father in you" should never have engaged in such behavior if you feel so strong in your conviction to straighten her out. News Flash...you weren't a saint and chose to participate, which effectively encouraged her actions.

[bathtub-row]

I have a friend who lived in Arizona and she was astounded at how often this very scenario played out -- older guy with a much younger woman. They almost always leave, my friend. At some point, your ex did the math and wasn't real excited about the sum total. I'm sorry you're hurting but I hope you will understand that this is a scenario that's bound to mean heartache.

[SammySammy]

You duped yourself.

 

Told yourself the interactions with a ... professional ... was a real relationship.

 

When we choose to believe things that are false the consequences are wholly our own.

[elaine567]

You don't go digging in a coal mine looking for diamonds.

What did you expect here? You met her on a sb/sd site.

Sugar babies are not looking for real relationships, they just want paid.

Prostitutes/escorts call it the gf experience.

Sugar babies just take that to another level, but it is essentially the same.

I guess she got a better monetary offer and left you in the lurch.

[couldgetlucky]

Your all getting through to me and my intellectual side agrees with you all !!

 

a few weeks back my intellectual side was overpowered by the hurt anger etc etc..even though I new how this was going to end at some point

 

Thats the reason I came here to vent and hear what I needed to hear the truth from unbiased people. Theres not really anyone I can talk to till I see the therapist and by then the crisis will have passed as its better every day...the light has come on

 

But those revenge scenarios are powerfully strong

 

I wont do it...I wonder what the though process is behine it ??

 

anyone care to enlighten me

 

J

[Methodical]

^^ Bc you got hurt, you want her to feel the same pain and anguish you felt. You want to place blame rather than accepting any responsibility...bc that justifies the victim mentality that you feel.

[couldgetlucky]

OK I accept that....victim mentality

[Satu]

OK I accept that....victim mentality

 

You were a volunteer rather than a victim, but it's ok to feel the way you do.

 

You'll move on from it.

[couldgetlucky]

I guess my question is...isnt there a level of responsibility when someone say they love you, and acts accordingly.

 

I understand that you can fall out of love, but to be cut off just like that, no explanation at that time just seems like premeditaed...something

 

no fight no argument..just deceit

 

we did converse by phone and email a couple of weeks later but only because I

forced the issue

 

I understand I was a willing participant, put I participated in something totaly different than the other person. I consider a year along time

[SammySammy]

When they are a professional sex worker? No. They are acting. Providing a fantasy.

 

That's like wanting to charge your favorite action movie star with murder for killing 111 people in a movie. It's not real!

 

Actors on stage perform the same "murders" for a long time. Live. In person. Never go to jail. It's a play.

[couldgetlucky]

and thats my problem that I'm having I thought the play ended way back at the begining and real life was involved

[couldgetlucky]

I guess those sites arent for me !! lesson learned

 

I dont understand how people can be so deceitful

 

I'm too trusting

[Satu]

and thats my problem that I'm having I thought the play ended way back at the begining and real life was involved

 

You signed up for an experience and got what you paid for.

 

It might even be that you got a bit more than paid for...

[jen1447]

I guess those sites arent for me !! lesson learned

 

I dont understand how people can be so deceitful

 

I'm too trusting

 

Come on now, you're an older man, you know how the world works. I understand it hurts but saying you can't understand how a sugar baby could betray you is like saying you can't believe your crack dealer cut your powder with flour.

[couldgetlucky]

I guess you can say I did get the GF Girl Friend experience

 

I just wasnt ready for it to end I suppose

[couldgetlucky]

Jen maybe I'm niave and bought into something that I shouldnt have

 

I just cant equate it with a crack dealer...just seemed to real If it was a a month or 2 or 3 but a year?

[Satu]

There are still some things that you can't buy.

[couldgetlucky]

getting soft in my old age !!