My bf is very negative and self blaming and I hate it. He's not improving after 2y

[WatchingTheHorizon]

Long title is long.

 

Lets consider this an intro post shall we? I'm a androgynous female in a relationship with a not exactly ubber mascinine dude, been a touch over 2 years -we're mid 20's- and mostly we're good. He adores me, I love him too, he's had like 5 gfs but I've only had one 1 month spill and him, I'm not much for relashionships. I decided to be for him. I have a rather intersting 'ship hang up which not many folks can deal with, but he does. He's nuturing and caring and keeps me sane. I get him out and help him grow.

 

But lately we're having a lot more issues. He's very negative. Everytime I bring up a problem, or something goes wrong with his family, his job, his car, his anything, he takes a negative turn. Not just a little negative but full on "I never do anything right" "I ruin everything" "Nothing I ever do is good enough" "Why am I always hurting you" -emotionally- and he'll then usually shut down in a puddle of sadness. Sometimes he'll do passive self harm too, like unconsciously digging his nails into his wrist/hand. He's been known to smack wheels and ect too, we often have more issues while in the car -parked if anything starts, obviously- I guess because it's a more ripe environment for discord. I don't encourage any of the above, in fact I find it annoying and it feels rather self defeating and immature to me, and I hate how it derails any growth in the area because he stalls it down to zero. I try to keep him level but it rarely works, because once he's plugged into that thinking pattern he takes ages to crawl out so I know he's lost once he starts. But how do I fix anything if he falls into the pattern in about 2.7 seconds?! Now I've talked to him about this one, and he'll get better for awhile, and life goes well. But he's got a serious slipping problem.

 

I offer him books, I offer him articles, we talk about it. (got any recommendations?) Doesn't help! Now he did grow up in that environment, so I know it's hard to make new ways of interacting, but still. Also tying into his upbringing, he's very sensative to raised voices, and basically can't debate/discuss excitedly as his brain starts reacting like we're fighting. And I love debating. Him trying to, and often doing so badly that I don't even want to debate anymore, is becoming a trend. Sometimes I feel like our conversation styles and ways of approachings things are just straight up polar.

 

Anyway... help?

[bathtub-row]

His behavior would be very difficult to deal with. It's possible that he sees no real future for himself in terms of doing better financially in life, or being successful. Does he have a degree, or a job that he likes?

[WatchingTheHorizon]

He doesn't see much of a future without me, which i find saddening. He's said before he'd be ruined for a good spell if I left him, though I feel he'd recover with a little time. But I don't want to leave him, so no worries there. Just tired of this issue is all.

 

He's working on an associates degree in management. He really likes helping people. He told me once he's so drawn to working with people because it makes him happier being able to brighten up their lives, as it takes his attention off his own issues. He has two jobs he likes actually. Outwardly he's a very happy dude. He lets me inside but rarely anyone else but family.

[basil67]

Does he agree with you that his negativity and self blame is a problem?

 

I'm guessing that he doesn't really want to change. After all, if he did want change, he'd be proactive about it. Any ideas of what's holding him back from trying to find a better way to be?

 

Does he show any signs of depression?

[WatchingTheHorizon]

"Does he agree with you that his negativity and self blame is a problem?" Yes. Not as much of a problem as I see it as, but still a problem.

 

"Any ideas of what's holding him back from trying to find a better way to be?" I'm not really sure. We did do one class at our church and I remember one question he answered 100%, it was: Do you think you'll always be the person you are today?

 

"Does he show any signs of depression?" Basically no signs. But He once told me he was, but I wasn't able to dig very deep.

[whichwayisup]

Ask him if he'd be willing to go talk to a therapist so he can work through his issues in a healthier way and also build up his self esteem. He's a glass half empty kind of guy and it's not good that he goes so dark and so down he's having a rough time. You can only do so much, if he isn't willing to at least try to change and learn how to cope with the messy things in life in a better way then this is how things will be and you can either put up with it or end it with him. You can't fix him, he can fix himself if wants to.

[basil67]

I pretty much agree with whichwayisup. You can point him in all the right directions, but if he doesn't want to change/doesn't believe he can change, then he won't change.

 

My best advice would be to strongly press upon him just how much his moods effect you. Think about how you'd feel long term if he doesn't address this and talk about that too.

 

I'd also suggest you don't engage when he does this negative self talk. If he does the downer and you boost him back up, you're effectively rewarding his behaviour. When he starts doing it, you're probably best to just walk away. And on that point, when you speak to him about how it's affecting you, best to tell him that you won't be engaging with him on the topic. Better he know what you're doing rather than wonder if you're abandoning him.

 

Most of all, be careful of yourself. It's so easy to get dragged down into the dark place with that person.

[Zippy2000]

Sorry to hear you bf being negative. It must be hard for you and wear you down.

 

Your situation reminds me of my friends situtation. She met a nice giy from a dating site but after 6 monthe thr cracks showed as he was very negative about everything. Nothing would please him......ever.

 

It was hard for her to do but she didnt see a future with him and lathough they tried to work it out. It was just part of his personnality and he wasnt going to change.

 

My friend decided to end things as she just couldnt deal with such a negative person. She was bubbly and jokey while he was all negative.

 

There come a point in your life you have to look after number one.

[Emilia]

He doesn't see much of a future without me, which i find saddening. He's said before he'd be ruined for a good spell if I left him, though I feel he'd recover with a little time. But I don't want to leave him, so no worries there. Just tired of this issue is all.

 

He's working on an associates degree in management. He really likes helping people. He told me once he's so drawn to working with people because it makes him happier being able to brighten up their lives, as it takes his attention off his own issues. He has two jobs he likes actually. Outwardly he's a very happy dude. He lets me inside but rarely anyone else but family.

 

Yes codependents like to focus on others' issues rather than their own.

 

Why don't you want leave him? What sort of hang up do you have if you don't mind my asking? Wouldn't the answer be to sort out your issues rather than co-exist with someone who 'tolerates' it? That enforces long term unhealthy dependence, just like his comments about how he couldn't deal with you leaving him.

 

Do you think guilting people to stay in a relationship is a good thing?

[WatchingTheHorizon]

whichwayisup: I did, and he said yes, he would. I know he is willing to try, and we have had some improvement, just not as much as I'd hope after 2+ years. I know he wants to be healthy in that regard, we just need to find out how to do it. :/ I've asked him to talk to his insurance about it, so we'll see. I'd say he's a half empty type of guy about... 65% of the time. He's most positive in regards to us, he sees our ship as a huge high point in his life.

 

basil67: I took your advice about talking about the long term affects of his moods on me. He listened quite well, so we'll see what sticks. He understands why it hurts me, and he doesn't want it to continue. But of course we've had the same talks and realizations before, doesn't usually affect much for long, but hey, never hurts to try. I warned him I'd be taking your advice on not engaging with his negative talk too, I think if I completely change my reactions to his negativity we might improve faster, so I'll try it.

 

Zippy: "There comes a point in your life you have to look after number one." I know that point, and I've looked it in the face a few times. I don't think I'm quite there yet, though. My boy isn't quite as far gone as your friends, he's easy to please, most of the time, his default is to try to be, he's a people pleasure. It's just as soon as he hits a big enough snag he flips a 180 into negative land and I feel like I have to go in dragging a line and holding a torch to find him. I do think if he never improves, I'd be forced to consider my options. I know long term it would affect my happiness.

 

Emilia: My first reaction was "He's not codependant :/" but... then I took it back. He is, a little bit. But I think anyone invested in a ship is, aren't they? Not to an unhealthy degree, but enough to be noticed.

 

I don't want to leave him because I care for him. I like him, his humor, his brain, his caring way of interacting with me and his friends. I like how invested he gets. I like how he doesn't flip flop on his commitment to me regard of how negative he gets. I like that he wants to travel with me, wants to grow into a successful person.

 

"Wouldn't the answer be to sort out your issues rather than co-exist with someone who 'tolerates' it?" My "issue" is less of a fixable issue, and more of a personal trait. I'm asexual. And while I'm sex possitive in that it doesn't bug me and I don't mind the idea of it, I don't want it done to me personally. We're contact addicts, we like affection and cuddling and loving on each other, but my orifices are my own, and I don't care for him sticking anything in them lol. The idea is a little repellent. I've always been this way, and I've never had any trauma or anything else. Yes, I had my hormones checked. No, I'm not on any pills or BC, nor am I obese or inactive or anorexic. I'm just sensual not sexual. But we do some foreplay stuff and we have orgasms, and a lot of fun. Saving grace is he has low levels of sex drive, he always has, he's been left a few times in the past because he wasn't sexual enough for them. But he's still a bit too much for my taste. We work it out though, my ideal would be very rare sexual stuff, mostly just sensual, his ideal would be 1-2 a month sex. I give a little more then I'd prefer he gets a little less then he'd prefer and we're both content most of the time. It's very rarely an actual problem. He calls his wants wants, not needs, he says that what we have is enough for him, as he has every other box checked. I know that isn't the norm for a dude by a long shot. That's exactly the reason I've had so few ships, I avoid overly sexual folks, though I adore them and have mostly male friends, a ship is a whole nother ball game. Anyway. I know I could find a male like me, they're very rare but I've met a few, but I've never "liked" one of them before much to my annoyance at the time.

 

"Do you think guilting people to stay in a relationship is a good thing?" Definitely not. But neither of us is guilting the other, we're here because we want to be.

[smackie9]

He is lacking coping skills...could be from depression. Have him get to a doc and see if there can be a proper diagnosis.

[Cinnamonstix]

I wonder if his negativity and low sex drive might be due to depression. I know you'd rather his sex drive doesn't increase, given that you are asexual...

 

Edit: Just saw Smackie's post.

[WatchingTheHorizon]

smackie9: Agreed on the lacking, we've definitely gone over his lame coping skills before. Doesn't depression testing just amount to a lot of questions and quizzes until they get popped on pills? We don't currently have the funds for a long term hunt for a diagnosis, though I'll have him poke the subject just to check.

 

Cinnamonstix: Yeah I wouldn't want him to increase lol. But nor do I want him being unhappy, or potentionally unhealthy (I know some levels connected to sexuality can affect the body too)

[Mind-Chants]

Negativity and Self loathing behavior is usually associated with under appreciative and overtly critical parenting style. This dampens the child's esteem development. They feel undesirable and unwanted. By a very young age (6-7), child develops self esteem. When a child, even one as young as toddler or preschool age, feels like he can't do anything right, he'll start to believe there is something wrong with him. Many children with critical parents struggle to be perfect, obedient and self-controlled, but inside they never feel like they measure up. Persistent criticism breeds resentment and defiance, and undermines a child’s initiative, self-confidence and sense of purpose.

 

Research suggests that parents who stoke their children with harsh scolding may also be saddling them with anxieties that last a lifetime. The most powerful result of having toxic parents is that we are left with low self esteem and a strong inner critical voice that speaks continuously to us of our guilt, our shame and our wrongs. It speaks to us through words, through pictures and through our emotions. It dredges up shameful incidents from our past and plays back old scenes like reruns at the movies. The inner critical voice can convince you that you are wrong, guilty and shameful by constantly reminding you of embarrassments, rejections and mistakes. It feels as though it has a life of its own and that it is more in control than you are.

 

BUT

 

By learning to recognize the self talk of this critical voice, one can learn how to turn the sound down, then off altogether, and replace it with a warm, nurturing and loving voice that tells you of your strengths and triumphs instead. You have a big role here to address his problem. But I prefer he go to professional counselling. Do some research in Gestalt Therapy. I feel it would help him a lot.

 

I guess everybody has heard of Sigmund Freud - the "hidden past", well this comes under what we could call the "denied past".

 

PS:- Am no psychologist but someone who appreciates psychology.