Sammyjo403 Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 my Ow is related to me. She has had a difficult life. I found out she got engaged at Christmas. This gave me mixed feelings. Part of me was upset that everything seemed so wonderful for her. The small tiny part of me was SLIGHTLY happy for her. We no longer have any contact.....yes I was creeping...lol. Anyway I just found out the engagement is off. I have been trying for the past 3 years to find some sort of forgiveness for her. I realized today I am still a very petty person and for some reason am loving her misfortune This girl has struggled her entire life and is very mixed up. Changing her careers, where she lives, friends coming and going etc. I don't like my petty feelings for someone....especially a family member, but anyone really. Is it so bad that I want to tell her...HAHA NOBODY WANTS YOU!!! Lol. So I guess what I'm asking is am I every going to feel empathy or sympathy for this VERY. Confused abondoned person. And if I can't, does it mean I never will be able to?? Sorry. Secretly doing the happy dance!!!:D 1
bathtub-row Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 I'm a little confused by what you mean by "other woman". Usually that phrase refers to someone you had an affair with. Is that what you mean? Unless she did something horrible to you, I think your happiness over her misfortunes is pretty mean. 1
Author Sammyjo403 Posted April 12, 2016 Author Posted April 12, 2016 Ow. As in the other woman. She had a year long affair with my husband. If you read the post, it does state that I am not happy with myself for these feelings. I would prefer to rise above.....but
bathtub-row Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 Ow. As in the other woman. She had a year long affair with my husband. If you read the post, it does state that I am not happy with myself for these feelings. I would prefer to rise above.....but Oh, I see. She's your husband's OW. Well, apparently your husband wanted her. Actually it's your husband you should enjoy watching suffer. He's the one who betrayed you. And I wouldn't get too optimistic here. The truth is, your husband may have gotten very jealous about her engagement, encouraged her to end it, and started the affair back up. It happens quite a bit where affairs pick up after the spouse lets their guard down. But if the affair is truly over, then I'm guessing that you can thank your husband for screwing up the woman's life in the same way he screwed up yours. Just some food for thought. 7
Mr. Lucky Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 If you read the post, it does state that I am not happy with myself for these feelings. I would prefer to rise above.....but Understand if you can't but feel it's a positive step if you can. Divorced my WW almost 30 years ago and she's never remarried, lived a fairly lonely life. It took me the better part of a decade to even be civil to her and longer than that to forgive. I think it just takes time... Mr. Lucky 2
Author Sammyjo403 Posted April 12, 2016 Author Posted April 12, 2016 My husband is the cause of this ...yes. I am totally aware of his flaws etc. The affair has been over for a couple of years. Hence my question of how long I will carry the bitterness towards her. I would like to get over it. she probably does need people in her corner....not that it would ever be me!! Just wanting to know really how to let her off the hook....as for your concerns regarding my cheater husband. He is TOTALLY aware of his screw ups and has been trying for years to make amends. Everyone always turns it into being about him, and it is but since she is family, it's much different than a stranger one would never see again. It her I need the advice for.
Author Sammyjo403 Posted April 12, 2016 Author Posted April 12, 2016 Thank you Mr Lucky. Can you imagine it being a family member that at one point you had great love for???
bathtub-row Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 I totally get it about her being family. That's basically inexcusable. I doubt that you'll ever forgive her in that sense and there's no real reason why you should. That's a line she should've never crossed. I think you'll get over your resentment toward her someday but it's probably not going to happen anytime soon. 1
AlwaysGrowing Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 It is natural to feel as you do. It is one thing to have misfortune in your life..quite another to bring it into anothers life. This OW tried to soothe her life at the expense of yours.....adding the dynamic of family member increases the betrayal factors. Sometimes we can't forgive. Sometimes all we can do is Acceptance. Acceptance is for you. 5
whichwayisup Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 She has had an unfortunate life, your sister (her mom) hasn't been a real mom to her and she has an abusive father and not a nice step mom. She's had a lot of loss and no unconditional love by anybody in her life. It's sad. As much as you may hate her, and not want to forgive her, I don't understand how you can forgive your husband since HE was the adult knowing full well her situation and allowed something to happen between them. I hope some day you can find compassion and genuine forgiveness so you can move on and stop lurking her on facebook. Obviously she's not in your life anymore so why go looking? All that does is keep the hate alive in your heart and piss you off, making you gloat and wish her ill. 3
road Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 (edited) The affair has been over for a couple of years. Hence my question of how long I will carry the bitterness towards her. I would like to get over it. With time the bitterness fades. It may never fully leave. What happens is that time allows the affair memories to fade to the point that they are rarely recalled and when they do the triggers disappear just as fast. There is no need to forgive. Time will bring you to the point that it is no longer worth the energy and time for you to actually engage in hating the OW. As much as you may hate her, and not want to forgive her, I don't understand how you can forgive your husband since HE was the adult knowing full well her situation and allowed something to happen between them. What is not to understand? No BS can recover their marriage if they do not forgive their WS. That is the motivation to forgive the WS. Now with the OW, OM, there is no need to ever forgive them. The BS does not need to stop hating the OW,OM to be able to recover their marriage. There will never be the need to forgive the OW,OM. Thus there will never be the motivation to forgive the OW,OM. Edited April 12, 2016 by road
Lady2163 Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 I don't like my petty feelings for someone....especially a family member, but anyone really. Is it so bad that I want to tell her...HAHA NOBODY WANTS YOU!!! Lol. So I guess what I'm asking is am I every going to feel empathy or sympathy for this VERY. Confused abondoned person. And if I can't, does it mean I never will be able to?? Sorry. Secretly doing the happy dance!!!:D The opposite of love is not hate, it is INDIFFERENCE. Until you shed these feelings, you're always going to be living somewhat of a double life. I'm assuming you're not a total witch in all other matters of your life. I'm assuming you're a warm, caring person. Does your husband know this underlying hatred you have for the former OW? Does your mother? Do they know you are doing a secret happy dance and are crowing that her life is still miserable? Which one is the true you? If you really are this raging she-devil, then I think you need to be honest with your husband, he may have cheated, but he should know he is possibly married to a misanthrope. As has already been mentioned, it is so odd to me that you will forgive and move forward with your husband, but you revel in the Other's misery. That isn't healthy. That kind of hate and anger will diminish you as a person. Am I reading it right that this is a niece or step-niece? Okay, that is icky and pushes a few buttons for me, but only because I apply my own experience. Depending on how old the OW is, this is so not her fault. I was seduced and groomed by a married man when I was 16. He was sadistic and abusive and damaged me in ways I am still discovering 30+ years later. It continued for many years. He was THAT good at being a sociopath. I can't begin to explain how naive and immature I was at 16. I was easy pickings, I was probably targeted. He was 20 years older than I was. I've had opportunities in my life to be with other authority figures (he was my boss at my part-time job) and most I've refused, particularly as I got older. You have to be of a certain emotional maturity to deal and cope with a relationship when it is with an authority figure or previous authority figure. You may be the most assertive and out together person on the outside, but of on the inside this person brings out too much of...your inner child, for lack of a better term, it won't be healthy. I don't know how long your husband was her uncle or step uncle, but if he met her before a certain age, there's always going to be an uneven dynamic. She may have joyfully and cheerfully leapt into having sex with your husband. She may have been confident about her skills in the bedroom. Or she could have been bluffing. Your husband could have been a lot more seductive than you want to admit. The grooming skills really turn my stomach in these exchanges, 1
Giggle Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 (edited) There will never be the need to forgive the OW,OM. Thus there will never be the motivation to forgive the OW,OM. Sure there is. Holding negative emotions towards someone isn't good for you. I actually found it easier to forgive my exWH than his OW simply because I loved him and could understand how it happened. Her I know full well she whispered **** in his ear and actively tried to insert herself. Plus the things he cried on my shoulder, I disliked her for not properly taking care of this man I loved. I rarely ever think of her, but I would find myself snickering if she was in a similar predicament. However, she wasn't someone I knew and liked and loved. I would see what she saw in your husband and feel bad that she had such bad judgement. I actually boggle a bit that you kept him. Try to see it from her point of view. Hanging onto that bitterness isn't good for you or your marriage. Edited April 12, 2016 by Giggle
Toodaloo Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 She has had an unfortunate life, your sister (her mom) hasn't been a real mom to her and she has an abusive father and not a nice step mom. She's had a lot of loss and no unconditional love by anybody in her life. It's sad. If this is true then I am afraid OP you have let this girl down too. Sounds to me like you have one very messed up family. Perhaps that is why she ended up turning to your husband for some (any) form of affection. I know she has hurt you but I really fail to understand why you would want to tell her that no one wants her and to be so vile when she has already had enough of it already? Its just cruelty. Tell me do you burn babies and kick puppies as well? Perhaps when you forgive her and show her some love then it will start to come right for you but you have a heck of a lot of hate there for one very misguided and unloved young girl... Your husband is a jack off for taking advantage of it. Ever thought of being on Jerry Springer? 1
Mr. Lucky Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 Thank you Mr Lucky. Can you imagine it being a family member that at one point you had great love for??? Actually, I can. Since we had a young son together, I got to see her at every pick up/drop off, school function and any other important occasion. It's the gift that keeps om giving ... Mr. Lucky
whichwayisup Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 What is not to understand? No BS can recover their marriage if they do not forgive their WS. That is the motivation to forgive the WS. Now with the OW, OM, there is no need to ever forgive them. The BS does not need to stop hating the OW,OM to be able to recover their marriage. There will never be the need to forgive the OW,OM. Thus there will never be the motivation to forgive the OW,OM. Forgiving her niece will set herself free of hate and resentment in her heart. If she finds some compassion and understanding on just how screwed up this girl is then maybe she'll feel better overall... Instead she's still lurking facebook and digging up information and gossip about her niece, wishing her ill and hoping she's suffering. This keeps in her a certain mindset and certainly doesn't help her marriage. 2
cocorico Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 (edited) my Ow is related to me. She has had a difficult life. I found out she got engaged at Christmas. This gave me mixed feelings. Part of me was upset that everything seemed so wonderful for her. The small tiny part of me was SLIGHTLY happy for her. We no longer have any contact.....yes I was creeping...lol. Anyway I just found out the engagement is off. I have been trying for the past 3 years to find some sort of forgiveness for her. I realized today I am still a very petty person and for some reason am loving her misfortune This girl has struggled her entire life and is very mixed up. Changing her careers, where she lives, friends coming and going etc. I don't like my petty feelings for someone....especially a family member, but anyone really. Is it so bad that I want to tell her...HAHA NOBODY WANTS YOU!!! Lol. So I guess what I'm asking is am I every going to feel empathy or sympathy for this VERY. Confused abondoned person. And if I can't, does it mean I never will be able to?? Sorry. Secretly doing the happy dance!!!:D [] Your husband seduced a very confused young woman who had had a horrible, loveless life, took advantage of someone he should have been supporting, and you're revelling in her continued misfortune that your husband contributed to? I understand you see it as a competition, and that rather than kicking out the abuser (yes, taking advantage of a vulnerable young family member is abusive) you felt you had to "win" him from her []. But it clearly hasn't worked. [] Edited April 13, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Rude ~6 1
stillafool Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 Frankly if my husband seduced and had sex with my niece I wouldn't ever want to be with him again, just yuk! I wouldn't be very happy with her either but him preying on a young girl, his niece, is inexcusable. 4
wmacbride Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 OP, Don't kick yourself too much over feelings this, in spite of what some might tell you. This isn't to say that I think it's a good idea to stay angry, as that will eat away at you. Try and find a way to let go of the anger and move towards indifference. You don't need to forgive her to do so, and don't feel bad if you don't. You can;t force it, and maybe someday, it will come. far better to move on and work on making your life as good as it can be.
Lady2163 Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 I'd really like to know ages. Again, I have this picture in my mind of a twenty something who was possibly groomed from early to mid teens by an Uncle 15-20+ years older than she is.
love1336x Posted April 18, 2016 Posted April 18, 2016 *plays justin timberlake what goes around comes back around* perfect song for you now! Hell yeah be HAPPY. After what she did you to you! you desire to be happy!
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