ptlouie11 Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 (edited) Hi everyone, I'm a 24 yo female and I've posted on here a few times about a guy I started dating back in October. During the time together, we saw each other once a week and he only communicated over the phone with me to make plans for our dates. He never tried to have sex with me at all and the most we ever got to was 2nd base. After 4 months, I asked him if he wanted to be official and he told me he likes me a lot but isn't ready to commit. He started making an effort to call/text daily and seeing me more than once a week per my requests. That didn't last long. Then, we mutually broke up in Feb because he told me he didn't feel enough of a connection with me to want to commit. Then 2 weeks later, I broke no-contact because I had hope that his feeling would grow if we give it more time. We've met up 3x since and I initiated all of them. The last time we saw each other. I told him I thought I could do the friendship thing but I can't because my feeling is still there. I asked if he wanted to give dating another try and he turned it down. He admitted that the whole time he never felt the desire to want to call me or to see me more than once per week. He was just going through the motions and waiting to see if his feelings would grow. I know the truth hurts but at the same time how could someone continue to go out with me for months if they didn't enjoy it or if they didn't like me romantically? He told me "I think I should continue to explore my options and go on more dates. Maybe one day I'll realize that what we had was special but for now I think there's someone out there that I would have a stronger feeling for." It was probably the most hurtful convo I've sat through. I've come to admire this guy so much and we had great memories together. I'm just in a lot of emotional pain and it's also a big blow to my self-esteem. I would love to hear your thoughts about the situation and what I can learn from this moving forward. Edited April 12, 2016 by ptlouie11 1
SwordofFlame Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 Date people who are as just as into you as you are into them. 4
trippi1432 Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 Thank him for his honesty and move on. I think we all want some closure as much as it hurts, but at the end of the day the ones giving us closure have their own faults to reconcile. Lessons learned: 1. Don't be more into him than he is in you. 2. Don't ignore your intuition. 3. Do not ever give someone more of yourself than they are willing to give to you. This guy is NOT the guy...he did you a favor, thank him for his honesty and realize you have more to offer thanks to the lesson. 9
TimmyC Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 I think I should continue to explore my options and go on more dates. Maybe one day I'll realize that what we had was special but for now I think there's someone out there that I would have a stronger feeling for. If he said this to you, he is a douche. You deserve SO MUCH better than to be spoken to like that. It seems to me that he has no regard for how you feel and to him he wants to have a fallback. You sound like a sweetheart, someone that is truly caring. Believe me when I say you'll find someone miles better than him. I know its hard but the lesson you should learn from this is there ARE better guys and you DO deserve better. One day you'll look back on this and laugh at how pathetic this guy really is. Cheer up, smile, and stay strong you'll be okay! *hugs* 2
KEEPINitREAL2day Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 Some guys enjoy the pal'n around with a woman so much they don't want to mess it up with sex and loose the companionship. This guy needs a little push to get to all the way around the bases. I bet he's really into you and wants to have sex but is afraid to go there, when he gets all hot and ready at second base he opts to go home and have some special alone time. 1
i123confused Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 Thank him for his honesty and move on. I think we all want some closure as much as it hurts, but at the end of the day the ones giving us closure have their own faults to reconcile. Lessons learned: 1. Don't be more into him than he is in you. 2. Don't ignore your intuition. 3. Do not ever give someone more of yourself than they are willing to give to you. This guy is NOT the guy...he did you a favor, thank him for his honesty and realize you have more to offer thanks to the lesson. I second this. He was honest with you and that has given you the opportunity to let go and move forward. Try not to take it personally - a connection is either there or it isn't. It is not a reflection of how great you are. You are worthy of commitment and when you find that mutual interest, you will not feel like you are trying too hard. 3
whichwayisup Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 one sided relationships hurt the most. He did you a favour by not leading you on, as much as it hurt to hear, it's good he was honest. Don't be friends, don't keep in touch. He isn't into you the way you are into him so he loses you forever. His loss, not yours though I know right now it may not feel that way. He isn't willing to put you first and love you the way you deserve... Take care of you and grieve the loss, rely on good friends to help you through this. 4
fred123 Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 one sided relationships hurt the most. He did you a favour by not leading you on, as much as it hurt to hear, it's good he was honest. Don't be friends, don't keep in touch. He isn't into you the way you are into him so he loses you forever. His loss, not yours though I know right now it may not feel that way. He isn't willing to put you first and love you the way you deserve... Take care of you and grieve the loss, rely on good friends to help you through this. he did lead her on for 4 months! cmon a guy knows way before then and also he should have told her from the beginning how he felt. 1
SwordofFlame Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 he did lead her on for 4 months! cmon a guy knows way before then and also he should have told her from the beginning how he felt. OP, just want to add this guy is NOT how most guys approach dating. They will try escalate things physically a lot sooner than him. 3
kztar Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 OP, just want to add this guy is NOT how most guys approach dating. They will try escalate things physically a lot sooner than him. I agree. This itself is a red flag. But better now than later. 1
truth_seeker Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 I would love to hear your thoughts about the situation and what I can learn from this moving forward. I'm sorry this happened to you. The only advice I can give you is time. In time you will get over this. If it makes you feel any better, just about all of us go through this. 1
whichwayisup Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 he did lead her on for 4 months! cmon a guy knows way before then and also he should have told her from the beginning how he felt. No, he tried a relationship and it didn't work out. Which is why he ended it. 4 months isn't that long. 1
kendahke Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 Wow, that is a very painful thing to have to hear, but you know without a shadow of a doubt how he feels. I see no reason to hold out hope for some mythical event in the future where he maybe, might, perhaps, you never know--and every other non committal thing you can think of to say--snap out of his stupor and realize the treasure he willingly gave up. He watches too many movies, IMO if that's the best he can say. This isn't a hollywood movie--this is your life, your heart and your feelings and he's telling you he doesn't want any part of them. Fine. Boy, bye!
kendahke Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 No, he tried a relationship and it didn't work out. Which is why he ended it. 4 months isn't that long. Yeah... ...no He admitted that the whole time he never felt the desire to want to call me or to see me more than once per week. He didn't try. at. all. if the whole time, he wasn't motivated to extend himself. He knew from the jump that he should have not wasted her time or lead her to believe that he'd come 'round. Then for him to finally say Maybe one day I'll realize that what we had was special " Why would something be special one day when he doesn't even give it that much weight in the present? No. Doesn't wash. 1
fred123 Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 Yeah... ...no He didn't try. at. all. if the whole time, he wasn't motivated to extend himself. He knew from the jump that he should have not wasted her time or lead her to believe that he'd come 'round. Then for him to finally say Why would something be special one day when he doesn't even give it that much weight in the present? No. Doesn't wash. totally agree. dont know why people are defending him. he didnt try. you call a guy not kissing a girl for 4 months and making effort trying? lol u people make me laugh the only one that was trying was the OP 1
stillafool Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 Hi everyone, During the time together, we saw each other once a week and he only communicated over the phone with me to make plans for our dates. He never tried to have sex with me at all and the most we ever got to was 2nd base. After 4 months, I asked him if he wanted to be official and he told me he likes me a lot but isn't ready to commit. He started making an effort to call/text daily and seeing me more than once a week per my requests. That didn't last long. Then, we mutually broke up in Feb because he told me he didn't feel enough of a connection with me to want to commit. Then 2 weeks later, I broke no-contact because I had hope that his feeling would grow if we give it more time. We've met up 3x since and I initiated all of them. The last time we saw each other. I told him I thought I could do the friendship thing but I can't because my feeling is still there. I asked if he wanted to give dating another try and he turned it down. He admitted that the whole time he never felt the desire to want to call me or to see me more than once per week. He was just going through the motions and waiting to see if his feelings would grow. I know the truth hurts but at the same time how could someone continue to go out with me for months if they didn't enjoy it or if they didn't like me romantically? It was probably the most hurtful convo I've sat through. I've come to admire this guy so much and we had great memories together. I'm just in a lot of emotional pain and it's also a big blow to my self-esteem. I'm so sorry that you are hurt but believe me it is best that he was honest with you so you can move forward and heal. At least he didn't try to have sex with you or just use you for sex those 4 months. I cannot call this guy an ***hole because he has been brutally honest with you from the start. I highly doubt that he didn't enjoy your time together and I'll bet he did, it's just that he didn't feel a romantic connection. That happens and that's why we date so we can explore whether we have those feeling for a person or not. Thank goodness you were only dating him for 4 months. Spring has sprung and the good news is there are tons of new guys to meet. Go for it.
Author ptlouie11 Posted April 12, 2016 Author Posted April 12, 2016 Thank you everyone for your comments. It stills hurts a lot but I know better than to reach out to him again. This whole time I never placed any blame on him since like some of you pointed out, he didn't use me for sex. He just wasn't sure and maybe he did try. I blamed myself for ignoring my gut instincts and when people on this forum told me he isn't into me. I know he was honest to me towards the end but not prior to the break up. He used to tell me that he really likes me and he sees a future with me. He used "being busy with school" as an excuse to not put forth more effort than he did. It wasn't until later when he admitted that he never felt strongly into me and that he dragged it out for 4 months hoping for his feelings would grow. I've never experienced anything like this. The guy was either into me from the beginning and continued to date me, or they decided early on I wasn't the one and let me go.
stillafool Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 Thank you everyone for your comments. It stills hurts a lot but I know better than to reach out to him again. This whole time I never placed any blame on him since like some of you pointed out, he didn't use me for sex. He just wasn't sure and maybe he did try. I blamed myself for ignoring my gut instincts and when people on this forum told me he isn't into me. I know he was honest to me towards the end but not prior to the break up. He used to tell me that he really likes me and he sees a future with me. He used "being busy with school" as an excuse to not put forth more effort than he did. It wasn't until later when he admitted that he never felt strongly into me and that he dragged it out for 4 months hoping for his feelings would grow. I've never experienced anything like this. The guy was either into me from the beginning and continued to date me, or they decided early on I wasn't the one and let me go. But you said after 4 months you asked him if he wanted to be official and he said he wasn't ready. It doesn't sound like you guys were ever in a relationship. Didn't you find it strange that he never wantedf to make love to you?
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