BikerAccnt Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 So, quick backstory. My GF and I have been going out for a bit more than 2 years. I am 55, she is 50. AND you'd think by now we'd have this relationship stuff down, but apparently not. At any rate, we've broken up twice before, neither for longer than 2 weeks, due to communication issues. Mainly, she won't communicate. She is very passive aggressive about it. She's had a traumatic emotionally abusive prior marriage, and I think that has a lot to due with her communications issues. However, I've told her since day one that open communication is very important to me. That I'd rather have her call me out and tell me to my face what is wrong, rather than having me attempt to read her mind. Her standard MO whenever something is bothering her, be it with me, or with something else in her life; is to shut down and close me out. Both previous times, this is what led to us "breaking-up." The first time, after "going dark" on me, we finally met up and she broke it off. I reached out to her that time. The second time, I broke it off, and she reached out to me for comfort due to family problems with her daughter, and we go back together. This time, I've had it. The slow burn of this hot-cold relationship has taken it's toll. Since Easter, I've only managed to see her once, where she mostly ignored me by busying herself around the house, and have talked to her on the phone just once! All text replies have been perfunctory and brief, but she does reply...eventually. We've had 0 communication since Friday as I haven't initiated any texts or calls. So, I'm shut out again, and don't know why. She's not returning my phone calls, and I've specifically asked 3 times for her to call me. So...finally to my questions. Break-up etiquette. Both previous times we split, we met in person and had long conversations, I mean long. Last time was nearly 2 hours. With those behind us I'd truly hoped we were past this issue. I'm not really sure we need to meet in person this time. All that needed to be said has been said, and sitting in front of each other re-hashing it a 3rd time seems unnecessary. That, and, she isn't returning my calls anyway..so it's kind of hard to set a meetup. . Considering all this, if I were to call her, and she doesn't answer, how cold would it be to leave a voice mail indicating the relationship is over? I'm not sure what else to do honestly. I don't want to do it by text, I'd at the least, rather she hear it from my voice. I suppose I could just send a text telling her I'm stopping over after work one night this week, but again, I'm not sure that a face to face is needed/wanted/required this time. Or that she'd even respond. And if she doesn't, do I just pop over? It's really sad, I hold her no ill will, and really wish she could just communicate her feelings. Even if it's to tell me she wants out.
Emilia Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 Maybe take her silence as a break up and block all communication from her? I know easier said than done. What I mean is though that you don't owe her anything anymore. You tried to call, she isn't returning them. I don't see what else you could do. 1
GorillaTheater Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 Either that or let her know when she finally does reach out to you. Assuming she ever does.
Author BikerAccnt Posted April 11, 2016 Author Posted April 11, 2016 Maybe take her silence as a break up and block all communication from her? I know easier said than done. What I mean is though that you don't owe her anything anymore. You tried to call, she isn't returning them. I don't see what else you could do. That's what my brothers tell me to do also, but I just can't close it like that, for me. I feel I need to at least verbalize it's over, even to voice mail I suppose. :/. I don't know if that does anything other than help my own conscious.
Emilia Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 That's what my brothers tell me to do also, but I just can't close it like that, for me. I feel I need to at least verbalize it's over, even to voice mail I suppose. :/. I don't know if that does anything other than help my own conscious. Don't you think though (and I struggle with the same thing) that learning to draw the line is a good thing? Enough is enough?
Emilia Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 Either that or let her know when she finally does reach out to you. Assuming she ever does. I just feel the OP shouldn't leave communications open.
GorillaTheater Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 I just feel the OP shouldn't leave communications open. It's a tough point for me to argue; I haven't broken up with anyone since around 1982. If it was me, I'd likely prefer to do it in person as well, but the way he's been shut out that doesn't appear to be an option. 1
Author BikerAccnt Posted April 11, 2016 Author Posted April 11, 2016 Don't you think though (and I struggle with the same thing) that learning to draw the line is a good thing? Enough is enough? I agree, enough is enough. That's why I'm firm that this time is it. Still, I feel I want to end it with a "hard stop", rather than a wimpering fade away type of thing. That would be fine if we'd just started dating, but we've been a couple for two years. She may or may not care about that, but I do.
Author BikerAccnt Posted April 11, 2016 Author Posted April 11, 2016 (edited) I just feel the OP shouldn't leave communications open. I'm not sure if I will sever communication irrevocably no matter how it ends; as I said, I don't hold her ill will despite this. She s never purposefully been mean to me. True this is purposeful, but I doubt she's considering the effect it has on me. With her it's almost, benign neglect I will however block any calls or texts for a time. More to help me heal and move on than out of any spite. Edited April 11, 2016 by BikerAccnt
sunshine2 Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 Two years and she just goes cold with no explanation? That is odd behavior from a 50 YO women. Sounds as if she has some major issues. I would just leave her a voicemail saying since you won't take my calls, I need to let you know this relationship is over. I cannot continue to be in a relationship with this type of abuse.... or whatever you want to say. This is abuse by the way. She may want to break up with you, but she should tell you that and not just go cold so you can move on. I wish you the best and take care of yourself! 2
Emilia Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 I'm not sure if I will sever communication irrevocably no matter how it ends; as I said, I don't hold her ill will despite this. She s never purposefully been mean to me. True this is purposeful, but I doubt she's considering the effect it has on me. With her it's almost, benign neglect I will however block any calls or texts for a time. More to help me heal and move on than out of any spite. The fact that you are this understanding is the problem. It doesn't matter if she had done this on purpose. The point is that she is very bad for you and you owe it to yourself to block her for good. This has nothing to do with spite and everything with the fact that you have wasted 2 years of your life on someone who is incapable of bringing you happiness. Not for a time. For good. If someone doesn't care enough about your feelings after two years, you are letting yourself down if you keep them in your life for a moment longer. Don't be a codependent.
Author BikerAccnt Posted April 12, 2016 Author Posted April 12, 2016 The fact that you are this understanding is the problem. It doesn't matter if she had done this on purpose. The point is that she is very bad for you and you owe it to yourself to block her for good. This has nothing to do with spite and everything with the fact that you have wasted 2 years of your life on someone who is incapable of bringing you happiness. Not for a time. For good. If someone doesn't care enough about your feelings after two years, you are letting yourself down if you keep them in your life for a moment longer. Don't be a codependent. Thanks for this Emilia. Blunt straight talk is what I need and like. Too bad ex gf could never do that. And you're right, I am too understanding. I tend to concern myself too much with how others are feeling rather than myself. A recipe for heartache if ever there was one I know. I've decided I'm going to send her a quick text today, she deserves nothing more, acknowledging the end of the relationship and to close it out for me. I know she doesn't deserve even that, but this is for me. I know myself, and if I leave something open ended I have a hard time moving on. Once I say something, I stick to it. I will block text, phone and unfriend on FB. The only tricky thing will be my MC club. She's friends with a lot of them after two years, and I'm sure I'll run into her at club events now. Oh well, just have to deal with that as it comes I guess. Some biker I am. Aren't we all supposed to be hard asses or something? 2
Emilia Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 Emotions are tough man, we are not robots. Proud of you. 1
Esquire_Seattle Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 Biker, I just want to say that you're doing the right thing and I'm proud of how you are handling it. Probably doesn't mean much coming from a stranger. But u spent two years in a relationship where my ex would shut down and disappear in times of stress. We broke up and got back together with promises of change, which would last until the next time. I was constantly walking on eggshells and although unintentional, it was emotionally abusive. I knew for my own sanity and well being I had to walk away for good. Hardest thing I've ever had to do, walking away from someone you love - twice. But time brings perspective, and I deserve someone who will be there for me through good and bad. And so do you!! Hang in there knowing you're saving yourself. 2
Emilia Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 It is very hard to deal with the FOG: Fear, Obligation, Guilt. Putting others first. We have to learn however and it gets better with practice. Promise. 1
Author BikerAccnt Posted April 12, 2016 Author Posted April 12, 2016 Thanks Esquire, Not that I'm glad you had to suffer thru the same thing I apparently do, but, misery loves company you know It's nice to know that others have gone thru the same thing. I've never run into this before. Both my Ex wife, and my former live in GF were very straightforward with their thoughts and actions. I've never dealt with this depth of passive-aggressiveness and it's thrown me. I'm normally pretty on top of things when I'm dealt with in a straightforward manner. This one is like...what the heck. I still find the thought of blocking her calls and texts a bit unsettling (last time I broke up with someone smart phones weren't really a thing) but really, what could she say that wouldn't' just make me feel worse were I to read it?
Emilia Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 Well I am 43 and I am a big girl now so I think a 50 year-old is even more so.
Author BikerAccnt Posted April 12, 2016 Author Posted April 12, 2016 Well I am 43 and I am a big girl now so I think a 50 year-old is even more so. So are you saying you think she'll be able to handle being blocked Honestly, not my worry and she may never try to contact me again anyway. After all, haven't heard from her in 4 days now. . 1
Author BikerAccnt Posted April 12, 2016 Author Posted April 12, 2016 Well, it's done. Sent the text, blocked phone and text, and unfriended on FB. Text was to the point, saying since she hadn't reached out I cant' remain in a relationship where my feelings are inconsequential and there is such poor communication. I said I felt it best we not communicate any further, wished her and her family well, and hit send. Really sucks that it had to end this way after 2 years. But, her choice, not mine. sigh.
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