salparadise Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 Like I asked above: By whom are you getting your intimate needs met--the boyfriend or the ex's? If you love this man as much as you claim you do... Yes, this is an interesting question. Exactly what is the motivation that rises to the magnitude of her being consciously wiling to lose what she says she loves so much? What needs are the hangers-on meeting that the bf is not?
hippychick3 Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 When you truly love the man you're dating and in a relationship with, you will have no problem ending friendships with ex-boyfriends. These are not simply male friends. There's a history there. I was friends with a couple exes before I met my current bf. I had no problem eventually reducing our interactions to only occasional texting, because he was uncomfortable with anything beyond that. And because I love him and care about him deeply, I am perfectly okay with that. 1
Author Kellens Posted April 12, 2016 Author Posted April 12, 2016 When you truly love the man you're dating and in a relationship with, you will have no problem ending friendships with ex-boyfriends. These are not simply male friends. There's a history there. I was friends with a couple exes before I met my current bf. I had no problem eventually reducing our interactions to only occasional texting, because he was uncomfortable with anything beyond that. And because I love him and care about him deeply, I am perfectly okay with that. I am definitely willing to reduce interactions to occasional texting, he wants them gone period. I don't even talk to one of them anymore because of my boyfriend and I haven't hung out with either one of them at all since he's been my boyfriend. I have really tried to do everything to appease him but it has come down to this.
Author Kellens Posted April 12, 2016 Author Posted April 12, 2016 Um... But YOU also knew from the start that he had an issue with your friendships with your ex's, so you can't use that excuse. You expected him to deal with it, but he wasn't allowed an expectation that you wean your ex's out of your life. That's unfair. In fact, it's called "having your cake and eating it, too". I have definitely weaned one of them out of my life and the other one I am willing to wean down the majority of contact but not cut him off completely. Is the thought of not being with him more devastating than the the thought of weaning your ex's out of your life? Or is the thought of weaning your ex's out of your life more devastating? By whom are you getting your intimate needs met--the boyfriend or the ex's? Seems to me that's where your 1st loyalites should be, not with the hanger-ons. It would be more devastating to lose him since he has become such an important part of my life. I have done a lot to make him feel more secure, my exes aside, and it feels like it's never enough. I'm just worried I'll do this and then there will be something else, that is why I'm struggling with this decision. Except that relationship was in place long before you came on the scene and it's only fair to the child that her parents have a good co-parenting relationship for her emotional well-being. Yes, I agree that they should have a good relationship for his daughter, but they are constantly fighting and he claims to hate her. I hear about it and witness him upset at least once a week. But like I said, there is nothing I can do about it, she's going to be in his life forever. It takes two to fight, but that's not because of something that can't be controlled. He's kind of crazy and so am I, he just lets it out more. I hate fighting but I don't like to back down either, although I usually let him win so he can stop being mad. Besides this time obviously. That's the lie you tell yourself. Change is not hard. In fact, change is quite easy and quick. You do it, it's done. THE DECISION TO CHANGE is what is hard and as long as you refuse to decide to change (at least be honest with yourself on this point), things are never going to change. Like I asked above: By whom are you getting your intimate needs met--the boyfriend or the ex's? Your boyfriend isn't understanding because you don't understand the territorial mindset of men towards the women in whose bodies they've been. Your ex's know you, biblically. They know how you orgasm; they know what you look like, what you like and what you like to do. Not many men enjoy the thought of other men who intimately and sexually know their woman hovering around, no matter how innocuous you think you're being--the ones that do like it, it's a fetish for them. You yourself said earlier that you can't tolerate the presence of his ex's in his life and part of that reason is the same: they know how your boyfriend orgasms--they've shared that with him. They've let him into their bodies and for a lot of women, that's more than they can tolerate. I think you're allowing your selfishness to insult the integrity and esteem of your relationship and you're using a very weak argument--not liking his relationship with his child's mother--to be the excuse you grab onto to justify what you're doing. If you love this man as much as you claim you do, you'd do nothing that would put the esteem of the relationship in jeopardy. Selfishness has no place in a healthy, thriving relationship. No ifs, ands or buts about it. I agree that I'm being selfish to a certain degree but this is hard for me even if you and others don't seem to think that it is. I came on here for advice because I am confused and I don't want to make the wrong decision. Maybe to others that means that I don't love him but I really don't care, I know how I feel. I appreciate all of your thoughts, you did make good points about the intimacy.
joseb Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 (edited) Aside from the exes issue, what else do you two fight about? You say if you agree to this you are worried about it being something else then. And that it will "never be enough". And you say you back down to stop him being mad. I'm wondering if maybe there is more at play here. Edited April 12, 2016 by joseb
salparadise Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 I came on here for advice because I am confused and I don't want to make the wrong decision. Maybe to others that means that I don't love him but I really don't care, I know how I feel. I don't think people are questioning that you love your bf so much as wondering why you have such a strong need to keep the ex-boyfriends. What's the feeling when you think about relegating them to ancient history, and why do you feel that way?
Miss Peach Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 I am always suspicious with extreme jealousy. Most guys I've encountered no matter what I did it was never enough. Him being jealous or anyone trying to contact you regardless of whether you respond would be a red flag to me. He needs to learn to trust you enough that you aren't going to engage past whatever boundaries you two agree on. No matter what men will try to contact you, flirt with you, ask for your number, etc. He needs to learn to trust you will put the relationship over this attention or you shouldn't be dating since trust is a big part of a relationship IMO. Regarding the exes I can see how he might not be happy about it but if you are following solid boundaries and rules I wouldn't necessarily see it as a red flag. Like if you only see them when BF is invited, you don't do anything inappropriate (snuggle, kiss, etc.) then most guys would be able to deal with it. For my relationships I struggled with opposite sex relationships more when I felt the friends were hidden, things happened I wasn't aware of or invited to, etc. As you get more serious with the BF will want to feel more and more like he is #1 in your life. If you are putting your exes in the #1 slot I could see why your BF would feel uncomfortable.
Author Kellens Posted April 14, 2016 Author Posted April 14, 2016 Aside from the exes issue, what else do you two fight about? You say if you agree to this you are worried about it being something else then. And that it will "never be enough". And you say you back down to stop him being mad. I'm wondering if maybe there is more at play here. We mostly fight because of both of our insecurities but even when I feel like he's done something wrong, it comes back to me. He said he feels like he disappoints me all the time, which isn't true, and that causes him to be defensive. I've learned how not to let bickering turn into a real argument. I am at fault here too, we are both a little too sensitive
Author Kellens Posted April 14, 2016 Author Posted April 14, 2016 I don't think people are questioning that you love your bf so much as wondering why you have such a strong need to keep the ex-boyfriends. What's the feeling when you think about relegating them to ancient history, and why do you feel that way? When I'm in a relationship, I tend to make my boyfriend my whole world and my best friend. When they end we tend to be more friends than anything else. I feel like they are the only people, besides my sister, who really know me and I trust them because of that. I'm sure this will happen with my current boyfriend but it's only been 5 months, although we are really close we still don't know each other inside and out, that comes with time. If I think about not talking to the one that I'm closer to, I do feel sad and I know I would miss having someone, who knows me so well, in my life. I know I could get over it but I'm not sure if I'm ready to right now, especially when it's being demanded of me in an angry way.
Author Kellens Posted April 14, 2016 Author Posted April 14, 2016 I am always suspicious with extreme jealousy. Most guys I've encountered no matter what I did it was never enough. Him being jealous or anyone trying to contact you regardless of whether you respond would be a red flag to me. He needs to learn to trust you enough that you aren't going to engage past whatever boundaries you two agree on. No matter what men will try to contact you, flirt with you, ask for your number, etc. He needs to learn to trust you will put the relationship over this attention or you shouldn't be dating since trust is a big part of a relationship IMO. Regarding the exes I can see how he might not be happy about it but if you are following solid boundaries and rules I wouldn't necessarily see it as a red flag. Like if you only see them when BF is invited, you don't do anything inappropriate (snuggle, kiss, etc.) then most guys would be able to deal with it. For my relationships I struggled with opposite sex relationships more when I felt the friends were hidden, things happened I wasn't aware of or invited to, etc. As you get more serious with the BF will want to feel more and more like he is #1 in your life. If you are putting your exes in the #1 slot I could see why your BF would feel uncomfortable. I would never consider hanging out with either of my exes unless my bf was there and since that obviously isn't going to happen, the friendships have now become phone based. He met one of them at a party and seemed to like him but he told me later that he didn't, I didn't get upset, at least he tried. I always put my boyfriends as #1, besides my son, and they always feel that way. He's been good the last couple of days and he hasn't brought up anything, I'm hoping when a few days pass, that we can have a sit down conversation about it and come to an understanding or compromise. If he went about things in a less angry way I think we could definitely work things out. Thanks for your reply!
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