Ultimatum

[Kellens]

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about 5 months now, since the beginning of our relationship he has had a problem with me being friends with my 2 ex boyfriends. I was up front with him about this in the beginning, I know not everyone gets it, and he wasn’t happy about it but said he would deal with it. He is a jealous/possessive kind of person, I am too, but I’ve never dated anyone like him before. There’s been 2 incidents where guys that I’ve talked to in the past have texted me out of the blue and he’s been really suspicious and insecure after. The last time is what started my current dilemma. He had my phone next to him and I got a text from someone I was seeing last year. We got into a big argument and after listening to me, he asked me to block anyone on my phone that I have talked to or dated and I agreed. He seemed to be ok but the next day when I got irritated at him about something, he brought up my being friends with my exes again.. this was an all day fight that ended when I got home from work, he said he was over it and didn’t want to talk about it anymore. Then this past Saturday since we weren’t together ( he has a 4 year old daughter that he’s with most weekends) he started feeling insecure again I guess. My ex was going to come to my neighborhood to drop something off that was for me and my bf, when I told my bf this he assumed I meant my apartment and flipped out. I clarified that he was just coming to the neighborhood but the damage was already done. We fought all night and in the middle of it he basically gave me an ultimatum to give up my friendship with my exes or he’s going to break up with me. He actually said I have a month, which is weird but so is him blowing up like this. I have 2 ex boyfriends and I’m only kind of close to one of them, the other I haven’t seen in months and don’t even text anymore, mostly because of my bf. The other one I never hang out with and wouldn’t unless my bf wanted to hang out too, but we text a few times a week and he’s my closest friend.

I completely understand the insecurity on my bf’s part which is why I have scaled back so much, I know I probably wouldn’t be able to handle it if I were him, but he knew about this going into the relationship, if he couldn’t handle it, why did he decide to date me?? Now we’re both in love but not on the same page when it comes to this. I would scale back even more but not cut my ex completely out of my life, I don’t think it’s my bf’s right to demand this of me. He also has a pretty unstable relationship with his daughter’s mother, which makes me really uncomfortable, but I know that I have to deal with it, so I don’t say anything, even though he was with her on and off for 8 years and kept on going back to her even after she cheated. I just don’t know what to do about the ultimatum. A part of me thinks that he would never leave me but who knows? I feel like he’s being a little too controlling and like I’m changing a lot of things for him and it’s starting to make me resent him. I am completely in love with him though and the thought of not being with him kills me. We have such an amazing emotional and physical connection and it is wonderful when we aren’t fighting. I just don’t know how much more I can take of his insecurities. I am anxious all the time and always worried about him being mad at me, I don’t know if I can fix this. Any thoughts or advice is appreciated.

[LydiaLong]

I too have had serious issues with jealousy, and believe me, it's torture.

 

I know that others will disagree with me, but here is my opinion. If you truly love this man and see a future with him, it's somewhat disrespectful to continue a 'friendship' with someone you have been intimate with and be texting a few times a week.

 

If you find his behavior too controlling, then you must end the relationship. Believe me, he won't stop being jealous suddenly. No amount of fighting, reasoning, cajoling, or talking about it is going to change his feelings. I don't see any compromise here.

[Kellens]

Thanks for your reply. I also have issues with jealousy, I have never been on the other side of it before though and it is so frustrating! I have gotten into plenty of fights with him because of social media nonsense, believe me I understand. I just don't like being told what to do, maybe it comes down to that or I just don't know if I fully trust that he is worth this. It feels like we've been together forever, but it's only been 5 months. What if this is a trend that will continue? He's also looked through my phone a couple of times, that I know of, so I am constantly making sure I don't do anything wrong. He had been good for almost 2 months though, until the 2nd incident with the text. Sighhhh, I'm just typing all this here because I don't want to tell any of my friends. I'm going crazy..

[LydiaLong]

Just give it more time. Only you know what you can accept and what is a deal-breaker.

[Kellens]

Thank you Lydia I agree, to others he may seem like too jealous but I know I'm bad too so I give him more leeway than others would probably. Everyone handles different situations differently, depending on who they are and what they want. I was hoping that someone with experience, who doesn't know me , could give me advice. I appreciate your feedback!

[Maxtor]

Being friends with exes is a red flag for me. Feelings can crawl out of the blue. Its my opinion, so.

[d0nnivain]

You can't fix it. You have different takes on the subject. He can't accept it & you are not willing to change so you have nothing. While you seem willing to scale back, if that is not enough for him, there is nothing left for you to do.

[Satu]

This could be the critical disagreement that ends your relationship.

 

I would try *talking* about it, rather than 'fighting.'

 

Each should have the right to say what they want to say without interruption, and both should then reflect, and give feedback.

 

It sounds like you've done some shouting at each other, but I'm not sure you've actually *talked* about this properly.

 

 

Take care.

[Erik30]

I get why he doesn't like that you're close friends with an ex, but demanding you have to block all the guys you dated and going through your phone seems a bit too much. I think it will only get worse if he's already acting this way.

 

Maybe he's projecting his own feelings onto you and your friends, since he still has to deal with his ex all the time because of his kid.

[Larryville]

This is what I don't get about posts like this, so you say...

 

I am completely in love with him though and the thought of not being with him kills me.

 

In love? Help me understand what love actually means to you... people toss that word around like love is this generic state.

 

Then this....

 

We have such an amazing emotional and physical connection and it is wonderful when we aren’t fighting.

 

When we aren't fighting, about something you KNEW bothered him...

 

You said you loved him, but then end with this?

 

I just don’t know how much more I can take of his insecurities. I am anxious all the time and always worried about him being mad at me.

 

"Love" means getting rid of you exes. Period

 

In addition, exes are lower-quality friendships than opposite-sex friends who were never romantically involved.

 

Exes are less emotionally supportive, less helpful, less trusting, and less concerned about the your happiness. Again that is why they are exes. True "friends" care about your happiness, you think these ex dudes give a crap about your BF's insecurities and your fighting and frankly if they knew that the average dude would relish making his life a living hell.

 

The other thing that people like yourself do when their current relationship is not all that, is you are in the back of your mind having “grass is greener” syndrome, as a just in case this relationship does not work out.

 

If this was just the growing pains of an early relationship that would be one thing but YOU used the term love. Sounds jacked up to me.

[Buddhist]

You can't fix anyone else's insecurities. And giving into their insecurities by changing you life is a one way ticket to hell. It's teaching that person that they can control you and your life.

 

It may break your heart but you absolutely need to stop pandering to his issues and instead hand them back to him and tell him to sort himself out. If he wants to be in a relationship with you then needs to give up his controlling ways. That's what they are, controlling.

[Larryville]

You can't fix anyone else's insecurities. And giving into their insecurities by changing you life is a one way ticket to hell.

 

It may break your heart but you absolutely need to stop pandering to his issues and instead hand them back to him and tell him to sort himself out. If he wants to be in a relationship with you then needs to give up his controlling ways. That's what they are, controlling

 

I get why he doesn't like that you're close friends with an ex, but demanding you have to block all the guys you dated and going through your phone seems a bit too much. I think it will only get worse if he's already acting this way.

 

 

He can't accept it & you are not willing to change so you have nothing.

 

While I get what y'all are saying but she said "SHE LOVED HIM!"

 

If she leaves that little line out of this thread, you could throw out my commentary, but she used the magic L word.

 

If that is true, then how is him wanting her to rid herself of exes "controlling?"

 

If she had stated in the beginning that she is "friends" with her exes and will remain friends then dude could have dealt with that. Someone please help me understand how it is cool for ex boyfriends to be calling and texting her?

 

This is not a controlling issues this is a respect issue.

 

C'mon ladies you are gonna tell me that it is cool for random ex girlfriends to be calling your man? Out of the blue? Seriously!?

[Buddhist]

I don't believe she does love him. I believe she is obsessively attached to him and that's a very far cry from love. I've been in relationships like this and stayed in them far too long because.....'I loved him'. Once clear of those relationships however I realised love had nothing do with it. Winning, controlling, needing and obsessions were what they were about. Love was never in the picture.

 

If you are with someone that you constantly fight with and never resolve anything with and yet will not see the light and end it. You are in an obsessive attachment relationship. Not a love relationship. Basically people call any kind of strong attachment they feel to another person or situation love, mostly because they have no frame of reference as to what actual love is or feels like and because they feel strongly pulled into the situation. Just gravitating to a person or situation is not a sign of love. It's very often a sign of hidden issues which need to be resolved triggered by that person.

 

But, you know everyone thinks that's love.

Edited April 11, 2016 by Buddhist

[Larryville]

I don't believe she does love him. I believe she is obsessively attached to him...

 

I agree...

 

I'm repeating myself, I'm sorry folks and I know I will throw this line out again.

 

When you make the decision to post here the situation is FAR greater than what is indicated. Also the thing is in my time participating here depending on how many people join in and continue to comment it may take a number of posts by the OP to get down to what the REAL issues are. It is NEVER just about the content in the original post, whether an OPoster decides to divulge that is another issue.

 

But when someone uses "love" in the initial post then immediately goes on the state all the wrongs in a situation, that is a huge red flag.

[Satu]

i don't believe she does love him. I believe she is obsessively attached to him and that's a very far cry from love. I've been in relationships like this and stayed in them far too long because.....'i loved him'. Once clear of those relationships however i realised love had nothing do with it. Winning, controlling, needing and obsessions were what they were about. Love was never in the picture.

 

If you are with someone that you constantly fight with and never resolve anything with and yet will not see the light and end it. You are in an obsessive attachment relationship. Not a love relationship. basically people call any kind of strong attachment they feel to another person or situation love, mostly because they have no frame of reference as to what actual love is or feels like and because they feel strongly pulled into the situation. Just gravitating to a person or situation is not a sign of love. It's very often a sign of hidden issues which need to be resolved triggered by that person.

 

But, you know everyone thinks that's love.

 

^^^ this ^^^

[Satu]

From my journals:

 

 

Many people don't know the difference between:

 

Being attached

Needing

Wanting

Craving

Loving

 

Those are not different names for the same thing, but many people think they are.

 

 

There are many things that people call 'love,' which aren't love at all.

 

Here's a little test:

 

 

"Love is total commitment to a person's wellbeing."

 

 

If you can meet that standard, its love.

 

If you can't, it isn't.

[joseb]

From my journals:

 

Many people don't know the difference between:

 

Being attached

Needing

Wanting

Craving

Loving

 

Those are not different names for the same thing, but many people think they are.

 

 

There are many things that people call 'love,' which aren't love at all.

 

Here's a little test:

 

"Love is total commitment to a person's wellbeing."

 

If you can meet that standard, its love.

 

If you can't, it isn't.

 

I like this test.

 

I think a lot of people these days throw around the word "love" for all kinds of attachments.

 

OP, you yourself admit to being a very jealous person. Yet you can't seem to see it from your boyfriends point of view at all. How would you feel if he was thick as thieves with a couple of his ex girlfriends, if one of them was calling all the time, even driving over exchanging things?

 

Look, I dislike being "controlled" as much as the next person.

If a gf gives me crap about going out with mates, etc, she will know pretty quickly that I won't put up with that.

But I won't be texting sweet nothings to any of my exes, that's for sure. And I won't be letting them do the same to me.

 

I think if you were with someone you did love, you would not feel the need to maintain contacts with your exes like this, and keep these orbiters around. And even if you did, for some reason, you two should be able to talk through it and resolve it.

 

Constant fighting that goes on all day? This does not seem like a loving relationship.

[salparadise]

I think OP needs to let the bf go and get a big dog. No man with his testicles intact is going to be happy in a relationship with the wife/gf encouraging a bunch of hard tails she used to bang to keep sniffing around. Beside jealousy, the ex-bangers are siphoning off the energy and exclusivity and that significantly defines/limits the relationship. It's apparent that OP cares more about keeping ex's than the current bf.

 

OP, if you ever want to have a healthy primary relationship you're going to have to get real with yourself and quit trying to alter the narrative such that it sounds like the bf is the one with the problem. Or just accept that this kind of drama is your normal. I do think your bf was foolish to get attached knowing what the situation is.

[bubbaganoosh]

I wonder how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and he was the one that was tight with his ex girlfriends.

 

I'd bet the house that you wouldn't be a happy camper about it either. If your going to be in a relationship then be in one but I know you wouldn't be happy if he did that.

[Kellens]

Sighhhh... I knew there were going to be negative opinions, in particular from men. Listen, I know it is not a usual situation to be friends with exes, both of my relationships were really long, 5 and 7 years, and they ended with us being friends. There is no physical attraction whatsoever anymore, I know it's hard for people to believe but I really don't care, to each their own, not everyone is exactly the same. And I did tell him from the start that I was friends with them, our first phone conversation!

I can agree that the term "love" is used generically sometimes, and perhaps I'm not 100% in looooooove with him but I do care about him a lot and I do love him. It could be an obsessive kind of attachment on both of our parts, he's convinced he loves me, I know that for sure, and the thought of not being with him is devastating. I do know that I couldn't handle him being friends with his exes and I know that makes me a hypocrite, but I was always honest with him. I will always have to deal with him being in constant contact with his ex because of his daughter, and that will always bother me but I deal with it.

We do fight too much, he's an argumentative person, but I figured it was just bumps in the beginning when he was still feeling insecure and it would eventually get better, and it was, until the last week or so.

I have been thinking about this nonstop since Saturday and I can see everything from his side, it's just hard for me to change this. I don't want to break up with him but I don't want to break ties with people that I've known for years who are connected to all of my other friends as well. It would be like isolating myself in a way, I don't think he understands that or cares. I do want to have a sit down conversation about this without arguing but he doesn't want to, he just wants me to make a choice and that's it. I appreciate all the replies and feedback, even those who were a bit insulting, I can take it

[Toodaloo]

Oh my days the drama...

 

Actually the majority of my exes are still friends. The difference is that I think of them as friends not exes and so introduce them as such and treat them as such.

 

My new beau's do not need to know who I have bonked in the past. Same as I don't need to either.

 

Its called discretion and tact.

 

You two just seem hooked on drama. Which I can tell you gets very dull, very quickly...

 

You are already isolating yourself because of his guy... so whats the difference with the exes?

 

Time to make a choice OP.

[salparadise]

I do know that I couldn't handle him being friends with his exes and I know that makes me a hypocrite, but I was always honest with him. I will always have to deal with him being in constant contact with his ex because of his daughter, and that will always bother me but I deal with it.

 

Simply doesn't compute. Fundamental logic is being tossed aside because you want to have your cake and eat it too. You are rationalizing the decision to sacrifice your primary relationship for the fan club. You rationalize by saying you were honest, that there is no attraction, that they're platonic friends. 99.9 percent of all men are going to feel exactly like you do with respect to his ex's. You have mutually exclusive, unresolvable preferences and you're even willing to admit the hypocrisy while still rationalizing away the responsibility.

 

And you're more than willing to put him in the position of absorbing the friction that will eventually burn right through what you say you value. There is something askew that I haven't quite put my finger on. Wondering if you have capacity for empathy?

 

When two things are mutually exclusive that means you have to choose. You will not be able to escape this law of physics... in this relationship or the next one.

[PegNosePete]

I'm not 100% in looooooove with him but I do care about him a lot and I do love him.

Err, what? Does the number of o's you put in the word, change the meaning? You either love him or you don't. There is no difference between loving him and being in loooooooooove. You either do or you don't. And from what you've written it certainly sounds like you don't.

 

I don't want to break up with him but I don't want to break ties with people that I've known for years

Well, it's not possible to have it both ways. If you choose to keep your exes around, he will break up with you. That's not an ultimatum, it's simple cause and effect. You know the consequences of your choice. It's up to you to choose what to do, now.

[fred123]

Oh my days the drama...

 

Actually the majority of my exes are still friends. The difference is that I think of them as friends not exes and so introduce them as such and treat them as such.

 

My new beau's do not need to know who I have bonked in the past. Same as I don't need to either.

 

Its called discretion and tact.

 

You two just seem hooked on drama. Which I can tell you gets very dull, very quickly...

 

You are already isolating yourself because of his guy... so whats the difference with the exes?

 

Time to make a choice OP.

 

Thats wrong too!

and OP isn't stupid. she wants her cake and eat it too.

Most ridiculous thinking if people think her bf has a problem. ID be outta there. who wants that from a gf/wife?!

[kendahke]

And I did tell him from the start that I was friends with them, our first phone conversation!

 

Um...

since the beginning of our relationship he has had a problem with me being friends with my 2 ex boyfriends. I was up front with him about this in the beginning, I know not everyone gets it, and he wasn’t happy about it but said he would deal with it.

 

But YOU also knew from the start that he had an issue with your friendships with your ex's, so you can't use that excuse. You expected him to deal with it, but he wasn't allowed an expectation that you wean your ex's out of your life. That's unfair. In fact, it's called "having your cake and eating it, too".

 

he's convinced he loves me, I know that for sure, and the thought of not being with him is devastating. I do know that I couldn't handle him being friends with his exes and I know that makes me a hypocrite, but...

 

But nothing.

 

Is the thought of not being with him more devastating than the the thought of weaning your ex's out of your life? Or is the thought of weaning your ex's out of your life more devastating? By whom are you getting your intimate needs met--the boyfriend or the ex's? Seems to me that's where your 1st loyalites should be, not with the hanger-ons.

 

 

I will always have to deal with him being in constant contact with his ex because of his daughter, and that will always bother me but I deal with it.

 

Except that relationship was in place long before you came on the scene and it's only fair to the child that her parents have a good co-parenting relationship for her emotional well-being.

 

We do fight too much, he's an argumentative person, but I figured it was just bumps in the beginning when he was still feeling insecure and it would eventually get better, and it was, until the last week or so.

 

It takes two to fight, but that's not because of something that can't be controlled.

 

I have been thinking about this nonstop since Saturday and I can see everything from his side, it's just hard for me to change this.

 

That's the lie you tell yourself. Change is not hard. In fact, change is quite easy and quick. You do it, it's done. THE DECISION TO CHANGE is what is hard and as long as you refuse to decide to change (at least be honest with yourself on this point), things are never going to change.

 

I don't want to break up with him but I don't want to break ties with people that I've known for years who are connected to all of my other friends as well. It would be like isolating myself in a way, I don't think he understands that or cares.

 

Like I asked above: By whom are you getting your intimate needs met--the boyfriend or the ex's?

 

Your boyfriend isn't understanding because you don't understand the territorial mindset of men towards the women in whose bodies they've been. Your ex's know you, biblically. They know how you orgasm; they know what you look like, what you like and what you like to do. Not many men enjoy the thought of other men who intimately and sexually know their woman hovering around, no matter how innocuous you think you're being--the ones that do like it, it's a fetish for them. You yourself said earlier that you can't tolerate the presence of his ex's in his life and part of that reason is the same: they know how your boyfriend orgasms--they've shared that with him. They've let him into their bodies and for a lot of women, that's more than they can tolerate.

 

I think you're allowing your selfishness to insult the integrity and esteem of your relationship and you're using a very weak argument--not liking his relationship with his child's mother--to be the excuse you grab onto to justify what you're doing.

 

If you love this man as much as you claim you do, you'd do nothing that would put the esteem of the relationship in jeopardy. Selfishness has no place in a healthy, thriving relationship. No ifs, ands or buts about it.