is he depressed or simply fell out of love? [update 2016-06-17]

[Eslaaa]

Hi everyone,

 

this is my first post on loveshack. Have been reading on here for awhile, noticed some great advises given. I want to share my story as well, looking for some valuable advice!

 

My ex boyfriend of three years, lived together for two, broke up with me three weeks ago. We have been on NC since. I thought hard about what happened, why it happened as I was caught off guard, but I still couldn't make sense of it. Here is our story:

 

Like most other couples, we had ups and downs within the three years of dating. We were very serious and committed to each other, though there are communication issues here or there, I never thought we would break up over those. Our honeymoon period was fairly long, around two years, so after that, within the last year, things started to go downhill. But i didn't think too much of it, because I thought i was normal, just a phase after honeymoon when everything is cooling off.

 

So within the last year, a lot things have happened to him. Spring last year, his lab got disintegrated. Btw, he is a very high-achieving individual, very driven, hardworking, persistent, and overall has lots of potential. This is something i absolutely love about him. This also explains why he is in a medical school + PHD combined program (about 8 years on top of undergrad). So what happened was his lab was having some funding issues, they had let go of everyone working in the lab except him, because he was the only student working there and they had signed a contract with him, plus they didn't have to pay him because he got a very prestigious grad school scholarship. So he had been going to work all by himself throughout this past year. He was still very hard working, going to lab almost everyday, including weekends because he wanted to do good experiment and publish good papers. I was always supportive, but also let him know that he should rest sometimes. Then he started to play video games. That summer we didnt live together because I moved home, so I didnt notice it until I moved back with him in September. He would play video games right after work, and up until he went to sleep. I, ofc, got taken back by that, I felt we weren't spending quality times together and talked to him about it. He agreed, and tried to make more time for me. But things would always go back after a few weeks, I was also busy at the time with studying and working, so I kind of let it slide.

 

Mind you, I never thought hard about what had happened within the past year until recently, and now I kind of blame myself for not noticing those changed. So what also happened last year was that he started distancing himself from the stuff he used to do (eg. joining extra-curriculum activities, hosting big conferences, hanging out with friends). I remember he told me that he did not enjoy spending time with his friends anymore because he felt so different from them. Though they started medical school together, my ex had to stop half way to do his PHD first before returning to medical school. So he felt that they lacked common things to talk about, and he does not agree with their mentalities sometimes. He also stopped doing things that made him feel good about himself, like hosting conferences, being captain at dragon boat. Those activities boosted his ego, and he used to love those. It was only recently when we were about to break up that he told me he stopped going to those events because in he wanted to spend more time with me, wanted to know what it felt like to be married to me. He also had a 3 year relationship prior, he told me he was too busy with school and work back then which made his exgf became clingy to him, and that led to the break up. So in this relationship, he wanted to spend more time with me. So yea, I never asked him to stop going or doing the things he used to enjoy, but i also didn't realize he let go of so many things because of me. But here is one thing I do regret, I dont know if regret is the right work, but one thing that I told him i cannot tolerate was long distance relationship. He talked to me before, several times, about doing research abroad for several months-1 year. I never liked the idea and i let him know. So i think he had to give up on those because of me. I think he blames me for everything.

 

 

Fast forward to this year, everything was still normal, we both agreed and bought our tickets to visit my home country, where all my distant relatives were. Because we thought we were getting more and more serious, and possibly getting engaged in a few years, and everything seemed normal. But then this year, more things happened to him. He applied to a scholarship, got rejected, he submitted his paper, got rejected, and his medical school curriculum is also changing in the upcoming year, which means if he returns back to medical school next year, he ll need to take additional courses. He can also finish PHD this year, but his lab doesn't want him to leave, i think again because of funding issue, and himself didn't want to finish this year either, because he wanted to have enough time to put together very well written paper, to be submitted to the best journal if possible. This is when I started to realize something was wrong, he started to withdraw from me, would not contact me for the entire day if I hadnt contacted him. It got worse when he heard where all his friends are going for residency (because they are graduating), he felt that he was left behind where everyone else is moving forward with their life. I tried to reassured him that his decision of pursuing both MD and PHD is right, and that those benefits don't come along until later, he should not doubt his decisions. But i dont know how much that helped. So after that week, he grew more and more distant, we were basically like roommates, so I asked for a talk.

 

So during the talk, he told me that he felt his feelings for me have changed, there was no spark anymore. So I thought, okay, that is normal in long term relationship. Then he started to pick on things that annoyed him about me, i thought those problems were trivial, and not deal breakers, so I asked him if he would like to work our relationships together, he said yes. So even up until this moment, I didn't think we would break up, I thought all the problems are fixable. But that week, he was hot and cold, was not working with him at solving our problems, usually in the evenings after he came back home, he would tell me his thoughts, and I would reassure him, but the next morning, he would be ice and cold, and not sure about our relationship anymore. So it got to a point where I couldn't take it anymore, I felt like we were complete strangers when we slept in the same bed, i felt like he didn't want to work on our relationships. So that weekend, I talked to him and asked for a break. he thought it was a good idea too. He told me he was confused, doesn't know what to do, he is unhappy, and he doesn't see us being happy when himself is unhappy. He also told me that he thinks he has borderline depression symptoms and maybe should see a therapist. I asked him if he would like me to go with him, he refused. So i told him to think about what he wants, whether or not he wants to work on our relationship together, and then talk to me. So that night I moved out, and the following a week and half was hell for me.

 

I wanted to give him space, so I didnt talk to him at all for a week and half. To be honest, when we took our break, I 80% believed that he fell out of love with me. I was caught off guard, i was in pain. But I knew I couldn't be with someone who doesnt reciprocate the feelings. Within that week or two, i thought hard about our relationship, reflected on myself, reflected on our conflicts, and it just didn't make sense. How can he go from being sure about our relationship to unsure all of sudden. Then i thought about all the things he had been going through in the past year, and read a lot on depression, and things started to make a little more sense to me. That weekend, a week after we took our break. He deactivated his facebook. That kind of "confirmed" my thought, that he was going through so much on his own. I wrote an email to him, I told him I know he was going through a lot, and I am sorry I hadn't see if before. I told him i wish I was more supportive of him along the way. I told him he was a strong man, I love him, and would be there for him whenever he needed me. The email wasn't long, because i didnt want to pressure him with lots of text. He replied back the same day, with a long email, telling me how he has been doing, how he felt happy to hear encouragement from me after all of these, he told me he has been having a hard time coping as well, but he has been trying to get the old him back. The email was long, but very ambiguous, He didn't say anything about wanting to continue our relationship/break or not, he said if i wanted to talk he is there to talk. So I asked to meet up, and we met up after a few days. At this point, I talked to a lot of my friends, talked to my counselor, and they all told me he seemed to be going through a lot. So along with what i read about depression, i was sure that he was depressed, and that he still loved me but just confused. So i made up my mind to supportive, not leaving him, even that meant to put our relationship on halt. It was time for him to focus on himself, he had been so supportive of me these past three years, and that is no way I should make it about myself when he was going through depression.

 

But he broke up with me that day. He told me he cannot focus on working on himself while in a relationship. He told me we had to break up. He told me he did not see a future between us, he did not see us getting married, and did not love me anymore. He said maybe we can become friends in the future, but not now, not until both of us are ready. I was shattered. I didnt know what to think. Deep in my mind I couldn't believe he can simply fell out of love me with like that, i felt he still cared about me, but didn't want to hurt me further by stringing me along while working on himself. He told before we took our break that he cannot treat me well because of the current state he was in. But again, I could be in denial, maybe his depression is caused by our relationship, maybe he did fall out of love.

 

Now three weeks after he broke up with me, we are in complete NC, i started to doubt myself again. What if he is fighting depression, I don't want to abandon him and leave him by himself when he needs the most support. I love him so much, I don't want to pressure him, but I also don't want him to feel that he is all alone in this. What should I do? I am so conflicted about this breakup! Do you think he broke up with me because he is depressed or did he simply fall out of love??

 

i thought the possibility of another girl, maybe he has met another girl who he felt to be a better match? who he could talk to and is supportive? That is why he broke up with me? I had been having trouble finding a trigger for all of these, we were not in any fights or arguments before the breakup. He said he was unsure about separating with me when i moved out, and after a week and half, he was sure about break up? From all the stories i read here in LS, many of those blindsided breakup is due to a third party. but I don't have any reason to suspect that in this case.. I don't know, help??

[getsmartie]

Sorry to hear that you're going through a hard break up.

 

I was your bf (female version) in my last relationship. We were together for almost 3 years. Some relationships just run their natural course. He may be depressed but clearly something was missing in his relationship with you as there was something missing with my ex.

 

Be good to yourself. Hang out with friends and family.

 

Life will get better again. Take care.

[Eslaaa]

Sorry to hear that you're going through a hard break up.

 

I was your bf (female version) in my last relationship. We were together for almost 3 years. Some relationships just run their natural course. He may be depressed but clearly something was missing in his relationship with you as there was something missing with my ex.

 

Be good to yourself. Hang out with friends and family.

 

Life will get better again. Take care.

 

Thank you for your response! it is good to hear what people are feeling from the other end of the relationship.

 

When you said something was missing, can you pinpoint what exactly was missing?

did you try communicating with your ex before leaving him?

 

I think my ex bottled up everything, maybe he was unhappy with our relationship in some way, but he never said anything about it... How much I wish we could've communicated and worked through our problems...

[kztar]

OP I went through a VERY SIMILAR situation. My ex boyfriend of 1.5 years started distancing himself after about 9 months. Everything was great until then. Like you if I didn't call he wouldn't call, or text, he complained that I was "needy" but I only saw him on weekends and BARELY spoke to him.

 

He told me he was depressed and that he wasn't sure of how he felt because he has "always" suffered from depression and all this other nonsense. I told him I'll be there to support you and so on. We agreed to work on the problems and like you it would be hot and cold. Like your ex he gave up a lot of time from his gym and video games for me but I NEVER told him to stop or to accommodate his schedule.. Finally, one weekend I felt like things were getting better and then he forced me to dump him so technically I seem like the dumper to alleviate his guilt but in reality I was the dumpee. I begged and pleaded for about a month until we met up and he treated me like garbage. He kicked me out his car, and told me some ugly things. After this I went NC for my own sanity.

 

He said he fell out of love with me, he wasn't happy, he didn't see a future with us and so on. He also gave me a list of issues that were NEVER ever brought up before, so I was in complete schock. When I told my mom about his "depression" she straight up told me to dump him because that was just an excuse. He strung me along for another three months after this "depression" started.

 

Turns out that this guy already has a new girlfriend and is the happiest man alive according to his social media. I had a gut feeling that there was a thirds party in the picture but he kept lying and lying and saying he needed to be alone and find himself and that's something he couldn't do with a girlfriend. But yet two months later he's EXCLUSIVE with this new girlfriend.

 

I'm not saying this is your case but if you read around more of our stories, you'll find a pattern. I suggest you move on and implement NC forever. It's going to take time but you MUST believe in yourself and also know that YOU are great, he didn't ass your greatness but someone else will.

 

Good luck!

[getsmartie]

Thank you for your response! it is good to hear what people are feeling from the other end of the relationship.

 

When you said something was missing, can you pinpoint what exactly was missing?

did you try communicating with your ex before leaving him?

 

I think my ex bottled up everything, maybe he was unhappy with our relationship in some way, but he never said anything about it... How much I wish we could've communicated and worked through our problems...

 

I wish I could pinpoint exactly what it was that was missing. He was a very kind, good looking and generous man but yet little things he did annoyed me. I never brought those little things up because it would have been hurtful but slowly holding all those things inside I realized I resented him after awhile. It's really weird when I think back. Fast forward years later to my current relationship I'm not annoyed by anything much my bf does.....and it's not like he doesn't do annoying stuff it's just that because I love him deeply that I am not bothered in the same way.

[elaine567]

When a relationship isn't working it is very depressing.

Dumpers tend to have thought about breaking up for a long time before they do it, so some of the "depression" may simply be him processing the break up in his head.

He doesn't want to go to see anyone for his depression as he knows what is wrong. The indecision over this relationship was no doubt killing him

I guess his depression will lift pretty soon, as he now has ended it with you and can now concentrate on his career and other aspects of his life.

[kztar]

I wish I could pinpoint exactly what it was that was missing. He was a very kind, good looking and generous man but yet little things he did annoyed me. I never brought those little things up because it would have been hurtful but slowly holding all those things inside I realized I resented him after awhile. It's really weird when I think back. Fast forward years later to my current relationship I'm not annoyed by anything much my bf does.....and it's not like he doesn't do annoying stuff it's just that because I love him deeply that I am not bothered in the same way.

 

I think that just means you never loved your ex as deep. You might have cared for him and love him but not in love with him. When you love someone deeply barely anything they do annoys you, but when you don't even them breathing annoys you. I've been on both sides of the coin. I just think some people haven't experienced real love and throw those words out there easily until a few months/ years later, they realize their love was never so strong to begin with.

[getsmartie]

I think that just means you never loved your ex as deep. You might have cared for him and love him but not in love with him. When you love someone deeply barely anything they do annoys you, but when you don't even them breathing annoys you. I've been on both sides of the coin. I just think some people haven't experienced real love and throw those words out there easily until a few months/ years later, they realize their love was never so strong to begin with.

 

Yes I would agree with you. I certainly cared for him but didn't love him in the way he loved me...which explains why often times I couldn't say ILYB back to him. I'm also in agreement that ppl rush to say those three words only to find out it was only infatuation. Love takes time to really develop.

[Eslaaa]

When a relationship isn't working it is very depressing.

Dumpers tend to have thought about breaking up for a long time before they do it, so some of the "depression" may simply be him processing the break up in his head.

He doesn't want to go to see anyone for his depression as he knows what is wrong. The indecision over this relationship was no doubt killing him

I guess his depression will lift pretty soon, as he now has ended it with you and can now concentrate on his career and other aspects of his life.

 

the last time we met he told me he was going to see a therapist. But he broke up with me since then so i don't know whether he went.

 

It is hard thinking that he processed our break up in his head for awhile, because I didnt see any sign of it, and we lived together. I remember he was so uncertain about breaking up with me and he told me wanted to work on our relationship, but after a week of two, he became so firm about breaking up with me (after we started taking a break NC for a week).

[Eslaaa]

Yes I would agree with you. I certainly cared for him but didn't love him in the way he loved me...which explains why often times I couldn't say ILYB back to him. I'm also in agreement that ppl rush to say those three words only to find out it was only infatuation. Love takes time to really develop.

 

how did you come to realize you didnt love him? Did you think you were in love with him when you were together?

[Eslaaa]

So my ex broke up with me 3 months ago out of the blue. We were together for 3 years. He has never initiated any contact after the breakup, and I was too devastated to contact him (i was angry, hurt, confused but most importantly pride prevented me from contacting him again after he refused my request to work on our problems together), so we remained NC for three months.

 

Here is the full story if you'd like to read it:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/576949-he-depressed-simply-fell-out-love

 

Then few days ago, he contacted me out of the blue (through email) asking me to give him plane ticket number so he can cancel it (a month prior to breakup, we booked plane tickets together for vacation this year). He did not have the plane ticket information because my mom helped us book it. In the email, he did not ask how I am doing, did not show any signs that he is sorry how our relationship ended, just utterly cold. So after reading the email, to be honest, I am quite angry, because he quit on our relationship without communicating to me while I thought everything was going fine. He never mentioned any problems in the relationship, and did not give me (or us) a chance to fix it before calling it quit. So the way he ended with me hurt me, and the fact he never checked in with me once after 3 years together hurt me even more.

 

So my dilemma right now is should I reply to him? and what to say? I do care about him deeply inside, I want him to be happy, and I don't want him to not being able to get a refund of I don't reply to him. After all, $1000 is not small money. But I am afraid that the reason I want to give it to him is to the false hope that "See, I am such a nice girlfriend, after all you've done to me, I still care about you, maybe you would regret leaving me someday..."

 

But at the same time, I just want to ignore his email. I feel like he does not deserve my attention and kindness. Why should I go through all the trouble to ask my mom for the information just so that he can get his refund when he is not even treating me well?

 

My friend suggested me to ask him to contact my mom directly. He is not very fond of my mom, I doubt he will contact her. And plus, he will know that I am just making it difficult for him on purpose. I don't know if I want to do it this way either.. it seems like I am just spending effort on meaningless stuff.

 

Help! :sick:

[Giggles666]

You just want to ignore his email....so ignore it. Best of luck, keep moving forward.

[kendahke]

Be indifferent. It's the best place to be with an ex.

 

That means that you really don't care one way or the other.

 

Email him exactly the number without you injecting anything more into it and be done with it. Nothing more.

[Zahara]

Ticket #123456.

 

Indifferent.

[Satu]

Being mean and cold isn't very enjoyable...

 

Block and ignore him instead.

[Zapbasket]

Goal: civility and class without giving him a drop of your care.

 

Ask your mom to please find the number and email it to him on your behalf. Just as Zahara suggested, she needn't say a word, just provide the number.

 

Don't send it yourself. I promise that if you do, you'll feel like something was taken from you. Having your mom send it will also communicate to him, without you saying a thing, that you are not open to unfeeling contact like that.

[basil67]

Just reply to the email by attaching the ticket details. Nothing more, nothing less.