whatonearthshouldido Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 (edited) The idea of separation/divorce has officially entered my brothers mind. Long post. Back story: The day after their engagement she did not even spend the night with him, instead she went to her parents house bc she was tired and had too many pins in her hair (even though my brother has a house!!!). We have a tradition where the families get together and open gifts the day after the engagement. We called their house because they were late and they said they decided not to come because they were tired. My mom got upset because we were all waiting for them to celebrate, everything was set up. On top of that we found out they opened gifts without us because they had to pay for the band. So my brother told her mom that we were under the impression that they were coming and they didnt even tell us that they changed their mind. Her and her mother went crazy yelling over the phone that they are not a good match, the relationship is over, etc. So my brother and mom said they will go to their house and try to work things out but they refused. They said that my brother will have to earn their respect back and will probably take a year. She gave back everything, including the engagement ring. So then my brother gave back the gift she gave him for engagement and she started crying saying that it was all her mothers fault, she put her up to this blah blah blah basically admitting that listening to her mom was stupid and she was in the wrong. So my brother took her back. The past year our relationship with her has been bad. She disrespects us. For example, when she comes to our house all she does is sit with her phone. She also puts my brother down saying he needs to lose weight and should get gastric bypass. She also puts him down infront of family members. Someone actually told us that he didnt like how she treated him. Her and her family also always speak in their own language in front of us, as if we are not even there. Last month was my moms birthday and i planned on throwing a surprise party. Her sister invited her bf without asking me(whom ive seen twice and my parents dont even know him), but he was going to help with some decoration. This was an intimate, close family and friend party and i told my brother that i dont want him there because he is a stranger and we are inviting just adults and arent even inviting all our family. So my brother told his wife and they put me on speaker phone and she starts screaming at me about how rude i was being by not wanting him there. She told me that HE IS MY HUSBAND BEFORE YOUR BROTHER, this is the second time she has told me this which I hated the first time but i ignored it. Finally i said let the guy come, turns out he did not come and my sister-in-laws sister was "too sick to come". During the party, my sister in law did not look at any of us. She didnt even hide her emotions. Everyone noticed something was up with her and her parents. On top of that her parents left early. When the party ended my mom went to her car to tell her thank you and all she did was say "its too cold, i need to close the door". She didnt even say bye to my mom. So finally my brother and her decided to come over and she told us she wants to apologize for things she has said and wanted to talk about things that have happened over the past years, but we said no its ok, lets just put this behind us, but they insisted. Little did we know that everything we said ended up being our fault and eventually she cussed us out saying "F-you", "Your house is evil", "you are evil", "go to hell", "you cant step foot in my house", "you will never see your grandchildren"...the house belongs to my brother and they dont even have kids. So eventually my mom kicked her out of our house and we are officially done with her. We all decided that we are fine never seeing her, that we will have relationship with my brother and thats it. Last week my brother comes and says all they do is fight, and that she blames us for everything. She said that my mom always wanted to end their relationship and my brother finally stood up to her and told her that it was her mother that ruined the relationship in the beginning. So now my brother said he cant stand it and that he cant see himself not having a good life without his family. His wife also deleted everyone, including our extended family off of Facebook and of course people noticed. After this incident we found out that almost all of our family got bad vibes from them right when they met them. A little note, her mom does not talk to any side of her family, her dad does not talk to any side of his family, her sister who was engaged actually told us that her plan was to marry the guy and then separate him from his family. This family is mental. They do not get along with anyone and I believe my brother sees his future being like that. My brother used to say that when its only them, then they are happy. So do you think separation or divorce is a good idea or what? We are at a loss on what to do. It is sad that this happened over something so stupid, but we all knew one day it would happen. If not this incident, then another. Edited April 11, 2016 by whatonearthshouldido 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 You have a simple decision to make: Either: Put up with her in order to at least keep in touch with your brother, OR: Sever all ties, have nothing to do with her ever again - but accept that you and your brother will see very little of each other. That's it. I have experienced the same situation. I rarely see my brother although we occasionally text. Haven't seen my niece, or had any contact with her since she was 2. She's now 16. It is what it is. 4
Author whatonearthshouldido Posted April 11, 2016 Author Posted April 11, 2016 (edited) My brother is not ever going to stop seeing us. Family is too important to him. I believe she already asked him to choose, her or us. We all told him that we are completely ok if the families are separate, but HE doesnt like that idea. We said whatever you choose we are behind him. I feel so bad for him because even though we all hate her, i dont want my brother to be unhappy. Her dad even told my brother that he has to always put his wife first, which is why relationships between his family is gone. Later on her dad calls my brother at work begging that he not divorce his daughter. Edited April 11, 2016 by whatonearthshouldido 1
SammySammy Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 Both families are petty and silly as far as I'm concerned. It might be a good idea for both to keep all of this unnecessary drama out of this couple's relationship. I believe your brother when he says the relationship is good when it's just the two of them. Supporting this young couple and helping them solidify their union would be much more beneficial than using these kids in some sort of sick interfamily tug of war. 7
Author whatonearthshouldido Posted April 11, 2016 Author Posted April 11, 2016 The problem is that my brother always swept things under the rug. He would just say she doesnt think before she speaks and thats why she says all the stupid things she does. I think after her breakout scream fest, he saw her true colors and started analyzing the past. I told him maybe he should go to counseling but he doesnt think it will work. I will tell him to try it again. As long as he is happy then we are happy. 1
SammySammy Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 No, the problem is that is none of your business. No couple in the history of the world has ever done everything right. Everything the way their families think it should be done. Both families need to mind their own business and let this couple grow. Even let them make their own mistakes. Support them and love them, but stop trying to dictate how their relationship should be. 6
Author whatonearthshouldido Posted April 11, 2016 Author Posted April 11, 2016 That is exactly what we told him. 1
Satu Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 It sounds like too many people with dubious intent have got involved where they have no right to be. 4
Author whatonearthshouldido Posted April 11, 2016 Author Posted April 11, 2016 Ya, she was so adamant in coming over to talk things out and apologize. My brother ended up getting pissed at her for lying to him about wanting to apologize. 1
ChickiePops Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 Your brother's marriage is none of your business. If you try to meddle you'll only end up putting more distance between you and him. Stay out of it. Frankly all of you were being petty and rude. 5
Author whatonearthshouldido Posted April 11, 2016 Author Posted April 11, 2016 How did we meddle? We told him they have to work it out and see whats best for them. She forced us to get involved by wanting to talk to us and wouldnt take no for an answer. 1
Satu Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 How did we meddle? We told him they have to work it out and see whats best for them. She forced us to get involved by wanting to talk to us and wouldnt take no for an answer. I'm struggling to see your good intent. You can't tolerate your brothers wife. How is that a useful contribution? 2
Author whatonearthshouldido Posted April 11, 2016 Author Posted April 11, 2016 What i mean is I cant tolerate it anymore. I've been tolerating it for 5 years. Have not said a word to her. Still did not say a word. She wanted to apologize to us in person, we said no its ok everything is fine. That is us staying out!!! They just kept insisting to come and she blew up on us. What were we supposed to say? No, you're not allowed to come in the house and apologize for the way you have been treating us? There is only so much someone can take. When she stopped disrespecting us behind our backs and flat out did it to our face by cussing at us and wishing death upon us when we didnt do anything wrong, then its kindof hard not to get pissed. So what were we supposed to do when my brother saw her disrespect, told her he didnt like it and she said she wanted to apologize?
basil67 Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 I have to agree with those who see equal fault on both sides. And she's absolutely right that your brother's first allegiance should be with her - not you.
Author whatonearthshouldido Posted April 11, 2016 Author Posted April 11, 2016 So I guess I am the only one who thinks wishing death upon someone who did nothing is a bad thing LoL My mistake.
Satu Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 It looks to me that she married into the wrong family. 1
Author whatonearthshouldido Posted April 11, 2016 Author Posted April 11, 2016 The responses i get here are so different then any other board i have read. I've seen people on multiple boards have the identical problem, except in our situation we never butted in their lives, and the consensus was always that the wife was in the wrong. Even my sister in laws dad thinks what she did was wrong!!! So either people here have low standards or they did not understand the post.
GorillaTheater Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 So either people here have low standards or they did not understand the post. Both. We're dumb AND low-brow. 2
Author whatonearthshouldido Posted April 11, 2016 Author Posted April 11, 2016 I dont think anyone here is dumb lol The only question I have for the people who think I am wrong is this: What would you do if your wife/husband told your parents to F*** Off, go to hell and wish you to die?
GorillaTheater Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 I dont think anyone here is dumb lol The only question I have for the people who think I am wrong is this: What would you do if your wife/husband told your parents to F*** Off, go to hell and wish you to die? I'd be livid, but that's because we've never had the sort of dynamics I've read in your posts. Maybe I'm one of the ones who didn't understand what you were conveying, but did I read correctly that you wanted to exclude him from a family event and told him that you only wanted adults there? And this deal about an engagement party where gifts were exchanged escaped me as well. Maybe it's due to cultural differences, but I don't see anybody treating others particularly well in this situation.
Author whatonearthshouldido Posted April 11, 2016 Author Posted April 11, 2016 I didn't want my sister-in-laws sister's current sexual partner to come because it was a close family/friend party in which there were a lot of family we didn't invite and I had to pay per head for the restaurant. My mom has never even met the guy!!! Yes, I only wanted adults, meaning my mothers close family and friends. You're right, maybe its the cultural situation that people are not understanding. Opening gifts together is a symbol of both families coming together and not only did they not come over, they opened the gifts without us, which includes my brother not participating in it!!! Both of our cultures share this same tradition.
TaraMaiden2 Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 I didn't want my sister-in-laws sister's current sexual partner to come because it was a close family/friend party in which there were a lot of family we didn't invite and I had to pay per head for the restaurant. My mom has never even met the guy!!! Yes, I only wanted adults, meaning my mothers close family and friends. You're right, maybe its the cultural situation that people are not understanding. Opening gifts together is a symbol of both families coming together and not only did they not come over, they opened the gifts without us, which includes my brother not participating in it!!! Both of our cultures share this same tradition. Until we know what culture you're talking about, this thread remains an enigma, and you will remain at loggerheads with people you claim are not understanding. Whose fault is it that we don't understand? Sometimes, the way to finding a right answer, is to ask the right question. In the right way. How can we add pieces to the puzzle, when the whole picture guiding the making of the puzzle, is missing?
Phoenician Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 I see this as a marriage between 2 families not between the partners. It is another form of society induced Borderline personalities. so comp[lex situation ; chemistry between the families is the base ! to hell goes the bride and groom
PinkElephants Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 I'm watching this situation unfold in real life right now. Both sets of parents hate each other; one is pro-divorce, the other is adamantly anti-divorce. The wife is a raging, out of control, manipulative crazy person and the husband used to rugsweep but is getting increasingly upset and has finally mentioned divorce. They went to counseling to try to work things out and once the wife realized how unhappy her husband was and that he was considering leaving her, she quietly stopped taking her birth control. She thought the pregnancy would force him to focus only on her, stop considering divorce and create sympathy for her within his family but he and the family are livid. She thinks he can't leave now and he's unbelievably stressed. Whatever your brother does, he should probably not have sex with her. So do you think separation or divorce is a good idea or what? We are at a loss on what to do. It doesn't matter what we think. It doesn't matter what you think. The decision isn't yours. What you need to do is take a giant step back and let them figure it out on their own. Be ready to support him either way but stop butting in. The responses i get here are so different then any other board i have read. I've seen people on multiple boards have the identical problem, except in our situation we never butted in their lives, and the consensus was always that the wife was in the wrong. Even my sister in laws dad thinks what she did was wrong!!! So either people here have low standards or they did not understand the post. You've sought out opinions elsewhere and it angers you that you're not being told what you want to hear here. What is the purpose of these threads? Are you trying to feel better by making sure she's wrong? Venting? Or something else? Because you have no power in this situation, no ability to influence the outcome and all of these threads are for nothing if you can't change anything unless you only want to commiserate.
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