Mjm1014 Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 This topic covers over half the posts on here, but I'm just looking for some broad options/open discussion on this topic. So let's say you meet someone, you get strong vibes in the beginning, get into a few dates with someone, and they start to back off on the communication, making excuses to hang out, tell you they aren't exactly sure what they are looking for, aren't sure if they are looking for a relationship/too busy for a relationship, and overall seem to be putting in less effort-BUT they keep stringing you along and occasionally ask to go out with you. After the first few dates they start to become a little more distant. Usually when you start to go cold naturally due to their interest level, they start coming back stronger and putting more effort in-then the cycle continues to the point where you're unsure where you stand and it just starts to feel like a waste of time dragged out over weeks or months. How do you go about this? Do you confront? Do you delete them out of your life? Should you give up on people like this, or is this a normal part of a relationship in the beginning? Usually I know where to draw the line, but when I end things because things seem to be stagnant, it usually blows up in my face. Reason I ask this is because 90% of the time this seems to happen to me when I meet someone. Usually it's because they are also talking to another person or multiple people as well..I usually end up frustrated and just give up or I confront them which is a personal thing I'm trying to overcome, but I'm a busy guy and don't have time for games and like to get to know one person at a time, and like to get to know someone on a deep level. Basically what are your strategies to figure out where you stand, and how do you handle people that are hot/cold and always unsure about what they want? I know it's because they aren't 100% interested, but it always feels like I'm walking on eggshells because they are 50/50 with me. Maybe I just suck at the dating game or go after the wrong type..but this seems to happen time and time again lol almost predicable. Just an open discussion. Trying to figure out how to screen people like this out so I'm not always wasting my time 3
Satu Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 I would just put my cards on the table and ask. I'm not into guessing games. 5
soph-walker Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 You can screen people like this by trusting your gut feeling. If a person is interested in you, you will know about it from their actions, they will make contact with you and generally try to initiate time in your company. If someone blows hot and cold, they are nine times out of ten not really interested or are seeing other people or maybe aren't even ready to date. Cut that toxic sh*t from your life. Deadweight drags you down! 1
unbe Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 i feel that trusting your gut in these situations is the best way to handle it. if you feel you are chasing to much, you prob are if you feel its one side, it prob is prob is, everyone wants what they cant have. when the resit you chase and vice versa. the dating game is exactly that...a game it needs to be played IMO until you meet someone who wants to play the SAME game as you.
whichwayisup Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 I would just put my cards on the table and ask. I'm not into guessing games. This pretty much sums it up. Don't allow yourself to wonder and wait.
bathtub-row Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 I'd say that if you don't know where you stand with a person, then you already know.
smudge21 Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 I get that a lot too, which is one of the reasons I just got tired of the whole thing. If you're making all the effort and they're only just making phonecalls/texts, then I'd say back off a bit and see if they up their game. If someone wants to be with someone, they will be. Even if they're into playing games and wanting to be chased, they still will not let someone they like walk away. Those that keep pulling you back but also pushing you away need talking to as it's unfair on they wouldn't want to treated like that themselves. Basically the dating game should be fun. You should enjoy it. Two people should want to spend time together and love doing so. It should be the start of something much stronger, but if it's weak at the beginning and so much hard work, then it's often clear that it's two people who shouldn't be together, at all. Never treat someone as a priority when they only treat you as an option. Life's too short. 1
beatcuff Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 I would just put my cards on the table and ask. I'm not into guessing games. maybe because i am older --- absolutely agree with the above. what the worst that could happen? 'i am not interested' --- at least now you know what you thought and can move forward. BUT: Reason I ask this is because 90% of the time this seems to happen to me when I meet someone. ...but I'm a busy guy maybe its time to look in the mirror, maybe, just maybe YOU are giving off the wrong 'vibe'.
Gloria25 Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 I get that a lot too, which is one of the reasons I just got tired of the whole thing. If you're making all the effort and they're only just making phonecalls/texts, then I'd say back off a bit and see if they up their game. If someone wants to be with someone, they will be. Even if they're into playing games and wanting to be chased, they still will not let someone they like walk away. Those that keep pulling you back but also pushing you away need talking to as it's unfair on they wouldn't want to treated like that themselves. Basically the dating game should be fun. You should enjoy it. Two people should want to spend time together and love doing so. It should be the start of something much stronger, but if it's weak at the beginning and so much hard work, then it's often clear that it's two people who shouldn't be together, at all. Never treat someone as a priority when they only treat you as an option. Life's too short. My fav podcaster had a caller... She got so tired of the push/pull with one guy that she seriously ended it. He ran and proposed to her and my fav podcaster told her to not only give him back the ring - but to RUN. Stay away from people like that. It's not about "you" - it's about the chase. Yes, I get it that sometimes we meet people who may not "officially" be involved with someone and are dating around; and, just cuz they meet you, until they get to know you can't expect them just to drop everything/everyone else. But, they need to be upfront with you (and others) about what they want and where the people in they are dating stand with them. If you see you're putting more effort than the object of your affection, then yea, call the meeting to order and then make up your mind about what "you" need to do. And trust me, sometimes when you call the meeting to order, they're not gonna be upfront with you and/or the games are gonna continue. My neighbor is case in point. He's like "Oh, no, I don't want nothing with you...go away already"...but then he's still creeping and staring and mirroring. Me? I'm not giving his crap the time of day, cuz he said he doesn't want anything, and he can stare, mirror, etc. all day, cuz he hasn't made any "real" steps to claim/date me. Gotta ignore people like that - they just want attention and don't want you.
Toodaloo Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 mjm. Funny thing is that WE ALL get that a lot because you are looking for someone that matches you, not just someone that matches every Tom, Dick and Harry. You are looking for a partner not a new pair of socks... What to do about it. Option 1 1. Recognise it 2. Shrug 3. Move on with out regrets or Option 2. 1. Recognise it 2. Shrug 3. Talk about it with them calmly 4. Move on Problem is with the second option that people tend to do one of the following when it comes to step 3. 1. Howl and blubber like a baby 2. Scream and stomp feet like a 3 year old 3. Start pulling guilt trips like a manipulative so and so demanding to know WHY! WHATS WRONG WITH ME! HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME! When its probably just that actually it is not working out for no particular reason its just not what they wanted. Nothing to do with anything being "wrong" per say... Hence why people normally go for the first version as it makes it easier and there is far less drama.
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