d0nnivain Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 hoully81 Once burned, twice shy. There are reasons you are leery & they are valid. If you truly care about this woman, keep dating her. See how things play out but do not move in until the bulk of your reservations are gone. If she gets a better job sooner then expected; or her deadbeat EX steps up to the plate; or you decide that love is more important then money, revisit living together but for now, take the pressure off yourself & your relationship. Continue dating but don't co-habitat. If she gives you an ultimatum in the face of your statement that you are not ready, opt for the door. Do not give in to pressure if you have reservations.
xxoo Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 I have invited her to these places and knowingly paid 100% of the bill not expecting her to pay anything as I know she has no disposable income. If I ask her to go to dinner tonight I know I am paying 100%. Yes she has invited me to her place and made me dinner and she gives me her time. She never flakes out on me for a date or something. Are you second guessing that? (paying for the restaurant meals) Your choices are: Ask her only on dates she can afford. Low risk, low reward. Take her on dates she can not afford, and pay for her. Higher risk, higher reward. Don't date her. Lowest risk, lowest reward.
Author hoully81 Posted April 12, 2016 Author Posted April 12, 2016 Are you second guessing that? (paying for the restaurant meals) Your choices are: Ask her only on dates she can afford. Low risk, low reward. Take her on dates she can not afford, and pay for her. Higher risk, higher reward. Don't date her. Lowest risk, lowest reward. No I am not second guessing that at all as that is what I wanted to do. I believe the best thing I can do at this point since I am on the fence is just to continue to date her as I have. Knowingly pay for everything and offer to help her so she can go to school and make more money. Hopefully she is into me enough and doesn't just jump ship as I know she really wants to move in with me. 2
xxoo Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 No I am not second guessing that at all as that is what I wanted to do. I believe the best thing I can do at this point since I am on the fence is just to continue to date her as I have. Knowingly pay for everything and offer to help her so she can go to school and make more money. Hopefully she is into me enough and doesn't just jump ship as I know she really wants to move in with me. Even if it doesn't last, you're enjoying your time together. Right? It kind of sounds like you are asking for commitment from her (hopefully she's into me enough and doesn't jump ship), but also not ready to offer it.....???? 1
bu2002 Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 Step 1 - You first need to determine if you love this women Step 2 - You need to then determine if you see her as marriage material. After a year, you should have a pretty good idea at this point. Step 3 - If 1 & 2 are yes, then you can start discussing moving in. Somewhere along the way, I would think a proposal is forthcoming. Step 4 - You & her need to make a short term budget for the remainder of time she's in school. That's what adults do that live together. If you and her are not ready to have this discussion, then no moving in should occur. The goal should be to live within your means. If there's a way she can finish school sooner, I would entertain that. Step 5 - Think about a long term plan and how the budget can be modified once she is earning a paycheck. All expenses need to be considered. I'm assuming she can't pay for school now, so she is racking up student loans. Be as realistic as possible with her earning power once school is finished. With a little short term and long term planning, you can make this work. Once you have a plan together, you will be amazed how much better you will feel. 1
Dis Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 Wow this thread got real very quickly. Ok this is just my opinion. The OP has some very justifiable concerns. Issues regarding money end more relationships than anything else. Just because the OP doesnt want to take on her financial issues and those of her child doesnt mean he doesnt love her...I think hes being smart. Some people dont mind supporting their spouces, others want to be on an equal playing field. I honestly think if she moved in the financial issues would blow up in their faces, as she would lose her government assistance, he would end up paying and would resent her for it and the hot sex/attraction would fizzle out. Its ok for a man/women to want to be with someone who is on the same financial playing field as them. I dont think its selfish, its just how some people work. OP, it obviously bothers you that she doesnt contribute to nights out/trips and that shes in a dire financial situtation. Its ok if it does, but I think you need to be more honest with yourself and the situation your in with her because its not likley to change soon. I think deep down you know that this might not work. For the sake of emotions being invested and most importantly, the children, I hope you can figure it out sooner than later. Yes shes a hard working women, going to school. Thats all great but having to support a person and their child isnt for everyone. That doesnt make the OP a bad person. I personally believe that men/women who have kids without being in a solid long term relationship and not having the money to support their children on their own is negligent. Tax payers shouldnt have to pay for someone elses child. I dont have kids and will not have kids until I'm in a stable, healthy long term relationship and have my own money to support my child. I might catch some slack for that but I do not care in the least. People shouldnt have children unless they can provide for them on their own. OP, I think you already have your answer. You just dont want to hear it yet.
Omei Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 OP I'm a single mother with 1 kid I work or if I'm not working I go to school it is always one or the other when we're alone unless she wants to be one of those parents who does both or double jobs and never really spends time with their child. My suggestion and personal opinion as a single mother I probably wouldn't move in a bf or live with one while I went to school knowing the money would cause fiction and potentially dmg the relationship, I would however if I was working full time. Ask her what she wants to do more school or work if she picks school suggest you guys wait until she's done to move in. If she's willing to set school aside she can work full time and maybe even save for a year or two down the road so she can quit go back to school but still afford the bills with you. But I do not think she's in a place to have it all, at this time imo it would be asking too much of you. Also you should know if she's collecting assistance she's required to report it and her income will be cut down when your income is included as martial status for living together this is what happens when you live in assistance and if she collects without reporting and is caught any income she collected while living with you will have to be paid back in full so if she did that for a few months you could be hundreds or thousands in debt. Basically if she moves in with you without work and is on assistance she'll recieve less because they will account your earnings to support her. Truth
Author hoully81 Posted April 13, 2016 Author Posted April 13, 2016 Wow this thread got real very quickly. Ok this is just my opinion. The OP has some very justifiable concerns. Issues regarding money end more relationships than anything else. Just because the OP doesnt want to take on her financial issues and those of her child doesnt mean he doesnt love her...I think hes being smart. Some people dont mind supporting their spouces, others want to be on an equal playing field. I honestly think if she moved in the financial issues would blow up in their faces, as she would lose her government assistance, he would end up paying and would resent her for it and the hot sex/attraction would fizzle out. Its ok for a man/women to want to be with someone who is on the same financial playing field as them. I dont think its selfish, its just how some people work. OP, it obviously bothers you that she doesnt contribute to nights out/trips and that shes in a dire financial situtation. Its ok if it does, but I think you need to be more honest with yourself and the situation your in with her because its not likley to change soon. I think deep down you know that this might not work. For the sake of emotions being invested and most importantly, the children, I hope you can figure it out sooner than later. Yes shes a hard working women, going to school. Thats all great but having to support a person and their child isnt for everyone. That doesnt make the OP a bad person. I personally believe that men/women who have kids without being in a solid long term relationship and not having the money to support their children on their own is negligent. Tax payers shouldnt have to pay for someone elses child. I dont have kids and will not have kids until I'm in a stable, healthy long term relationship and have my own money to support my child. I might catch some slack for that but I do not care in the least. People shouldnt have children unless they can provide for them on their own. OP, I think you already have your answer. You just dont want to hear it yet. Currently it doesnt bother me that she does not pay for trips out etc. My concern is that living under my roof I feel you should be able to contribute at least a percentage to the household budget. Right now she cant do that as her other bills eat her income before she can even think about house payment etc. You are right I dont believe I should have to take care of her son financially. i think she and her ex should be taking that responsibility 100%. If I want to spend money on the kid such as going out to eat or a vacation then that is on me and I have no problem doing that but Day care medical bills etc. I should not be paying. To her credit she was married at the time she was born and had someone to help with the kid. They got a divorce and he is very minimal help. every other weekend and child support has not been coming for about the last 3 months. I to use to believe the government shouldn't help people like this in this situation but after I have seen it first hand its sad. Do not think she is living high on the hog. She gets like $50 credit for daycare a week and like $230/month for food assistance. She is at the income level now where it actually makes since to quit her job and then she could get welfare and government insurance. She actually takes pride and refuses to do that. She is actively looking for a better paying job. She makes like $10.XX an hour. Hr Daycare/School is $115/wk and insurance is around $100 week. She is flat Broke. I could give her cash and help her but I do not think that would be a good idea as I do not want her to depend on me in that way. But i understand people such as you do not want to help people in situations like this. It does not make since but that is your right to your opinion. If the dead beat Father would step up and pay the $450 child support payment that would help her a lot.
xxoo Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 The reality is, if she is to be your partner, she will have to depend on your financially--at least for the next few years. She can't join you in your lifestyle and pay her own share. So you're going to have to choose.
DivorcedDad123 Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 To her credit she was married at the time she was born and had someone to help with the kid. They got a divorce and he is very minimal help. every other weekend and child support has not been coming for about the last 3 months. OP, I'm going to give you a few things to ponder. I hope you've seen the divorce decree and hopefully talked with her ex. These things stand out to me, and I've seen this game played over and over. 1. The food assistance she's getting is about max for one child. If her ex was paying child support, it wouldn't be close to what she's getting,so could indicate that she wasn't claiming the support as income. States generally count child support as income. The Fed gov doesn't. 2. This "deadbeat" may be paying child support, but the state may be intercepting it if she was falsely receiving food assistance. Why would someone who's been paying,suddenly stop 3 months ago? The state WILL get their money back, even if it means taking the child support to do so. And, every other weekend is customary in a divorce decree for the non- custodial spouse, so it's what he's been ordered to get by the judge. It's not like he chose that,unless they came up with the decree themselves. 3. At her income level and one child, she qualifies for the federal earned income tax credit. Over $5000 per year. You can look this up on the IRS's website. 4. Add in child support at $450/ month + $5000 and she's getting over $10,000 per year on top of her salary,tax free. 5. The child support amount she's receiving isn't indicative as someone who "can't keep a job". In my state, that amount would mean he's making between $55,000 and $70,000 per year, for one child. Child support is based on the disparity of incomes. Look up your states child support calculator and you should get an idea. 6. At her income level, she qualifies for federal grants for college expenses. Especially as a single parent. Any money allotted to her, over the amount of college expenses, she can keep for herself. You're getting one sided information from your gf, so if you want to get an idea of the entire picture, do some research and maybe talk to her exH for your peace of mind. 2
Lady2163 Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 You are right I dont believe I should have to take care of her son financially. i think she and her ex should be taking that responsibility 100%. If I want to spend money on the kid such as going out to eat or a vacation then that is on me and I have no problem doing that but Day care medical bills etc. I should not be paying. I know you're just dating and not talking about marriage, but your thought process is not really very future minded. I'm not sure why you would live with someone if you weren't thinking it wasn't going to be for the rest of your life. You may very well end up spending your own money, time and resources on your unofficial step child - as could your girlfriend for your children. Example: a friend of mine had children and married a man with children. His children lived an hour away. A couple of years after the marriage, the man was driving with his ex-wife and children and they got in a fight. He expressed some road rage and unsafe behavior. Ex-wife takes him back to court and insists he no longer drives the children. Judge is agreeing. In a panic, the man says my friend (his new wife) will be the one to pick up and return the children. That was how it was in the divorce decree. So, now my friend has to give up four hours a week picking up his children AND they now had the expense of daycare for her children because her husband was not available to watch her kids during the travel time. So, while they were married and you're not, she was now facing 11 years of having her time cut into and having an extra expense. Things like this will always happen. Her son may need X number of dollars for whatever and she's not around, she's at work or school. Are you really going to stand there and present her a bill for the football cleats that had to be bought today? By living together both of you have to accept that the kids are the package deal and there material needs come first. In a lot of families, the children's material WANTS come first as well. You're mentally creating an imbalance amongst the three children. Because you and your ex make okay money, your kids may have more than what her son will have. Trust me, that can and will create a rift when he gets older. Obviously, you can't control how you Ex spends her money on your children, but you will need to show that you are treating all three kids equally. Her son will be watching. And he will recognize this at a much earlier age than you realize. I truly was not a materialistic child, but I knew at age 8 (maybe even younger, when I could read the gift tags) my brothers had much better Christmases and birthdays than I did. My mom did most of the shopping, but my dad always picked up a few presents for them and not me. Maybe you don't mean to, but in a way, I think you're treating her son like an outsider. You have one group that is you and your children. Then you have another group that is you and your girlfriend. It sounds a lot like you have limits as to what you will do for your girlfriend and what you will do for her son. I wonder if you have limits for your kids? I wonder if those limits are comparable to the girlfriend and son. You seem more geared toward the past than the future. 1
Blanco Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 My one ex is a single mother and we lived together about a year and a half into our relationship. It obviously didn't work out, and I feel like it was necessary to give the live-in situation a real shot. In retrospect, though, I'm not sure it was a great idea, since I already had some major doubts about the relationship, our compatibility, and our future. If we had both been single and child-free, the stakes would've been a lot lower. Sign a lease and if it doesn't work out, we go our separate ways a year later. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case, so the break was so clean-cut. As you know, when you date a single parent, you also are dating their children. In the beginning, it's not unreasonable to view the children as part of the package, yet not really something that demands additional responsibilities from you. But as the relationship progresses, that changes. No, you'll never be the child's biological dad, but if the relationship is to truly bloom into a cohesive family unit, then you will need to eventually view yourself as the child's father. I guess this is my long-winded way of saying don't move in with this woman unless you think there is a high probability that you will eventually marry her. This is a move that will impact the children involved, during cohabitation and certainly afterwards if the relationship should end.
Author hoully81 Posted April 22, 2016 Author Posted April 22, 2016 To her credit she was married at the time she was born and had someone to help with the kid. They got a divorce and he is very minimal help. every other weekend and child support has not been coming for about the last 3 months. OP, I'm going to give you a few things to ponder. I hope you've seen the divorce decree and hopefully talked with her ex. These things stand out to me, and I've seen this game played over and over. 1. The food assistance she's getting is about max for one child. If her ex was paying child support, it wouldn't be close to what she's getting,so could indicate that she wasn't claiming the support as income. States generally count child support as income. The Fed gov doesn't. 2. This "deadbeat" may be paying child support, but the state may be intercepting it if she was falsely receiving food assistance. Why would someone who's been paying,suddenly stop 3 months ago? The state WILL get their money back, even if it means taking the child support to do so. And, every other weekend is customary in a divorce decree for the non- custodial spouse, so it's what he's been ordered to get by the judge. It's not like he chose that,unless they came up with the decree themselves. 3. At her income level and one child, she qualifies for the federal earned income tax credit. Over $5000 per year. You can look this up on the IRS's website. 4. Add in child support at $450/ month + $5000 and she's getting over $10,000 per year on top of her salary,tax free. 5. The child support amount she's receiving isn't indicative as someone who "can't keep a job". In my state, that amount would mean he's making between $55,000 and $70,000 per year, for one child. Child support is based on the disparity of incomes. Look up your states child support calculator and you should get an idea. 6. At her income level, she qualifies for federal grants for college expenses. Especially as a single parent. Any money allotted to her, over the amount of college expenses, she can keep for herself. You're getting one sided information from your gf, so if you want to get an idea of the entire picture, do some research and maybe talk to her exH for your peace of mind. I am sure she would let me see her decree. What would I be looking for? Not sure what the purpose would be? I have talked to her ex and he is not the sharpest tool in the shed. 1, I am not sure if the sate counted it as income but I would bet they did. 2. He did not suddenly stop paying just cant hold a job for any time. She did get a couple checks recently but it has now stopped again as his job he got was only for a few weeks. 3.Yes I am aware of the earned income tax credit. 4. She is not really getting the child support which is really hurting her financially as that would be a huge help for her. Also for example 2 weeks ago she had to take her son to the doctor and they have big deductible so I am sure that visit will cost around 300. He should be paying half but he wont and has never paid doctor bill. She just keeps receipts and will have to go to court to have it added to his back pay. 5. She has custody like 85% and he has 15% so your right the amount seems high but on top of the base rate which was based on him making minimum wage at 40 hours as he didn't have a job at the time there is also expenses added to the base rate. They have added some daycare expenses to it and tacked on a little to get his back pay caught up. 6. Yes she is getting grants for college. I encourage her very much to go to college as that is probably her only way out of her financial situation.
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