Money issue

[Larryville]

Going back to what No Go said:

 

They're not a family though. Just dating.

And OP has kids too - two of them.

If there was marriage on the table - ok, but people just dating... it is a very risky decision to support not one person but two.

 

This woman works 2 freakin job + study! She deserves a medal and a little break !! He should be proud of her instead of frowning upon her financial situation.

 

Sorry G but no...

 

He told us her value, remember...

 

We have great connection when we are together and physically cant keep our hands off each other.

 

This quote nails it...

 

I think the OP wanted sexy fun times not all the responsibilities that come with somebody else's kids. Yes he knew she had a child & he knew she didn't make that much money. None of those things matter when you are only dating. They matter an awful lot when you set up house together.

 

Yup

 

And again from No Go

 

He may let her in his home, break his back out of heavy work, and then once she steps on her feet - she can easily replace him with fresher catch.

 

Yup, happens all the time…

[hoully81]

My offers have been to help her not hand her cash. She would have to work more hours or go to more school while I watch her kid. When I say security I am thinking maybe by living with me she wouldn't have to do those things as I would take care of them? I am not sure whats going on in her head there?

 

We spend a lot of time together and I have paid for and made a lot of meals for her and her kid and have paid for a lot of entertainment so I would like to think that has helped her manage through life as she doesn't have to open her wallet to buy that stuff.

 

When I pay for stuff I do not expect anything in return. Rather we continued or ended the relationship right now I would not expect anything in return.

 

If she was in school full time I think she could do it in 2 years. She already has an associates degree. She wants to be a special ed teacher. Pay is not great but like 2 or 3 times what she makes now.

[d0nnivain]

She works at a school so that job will be ending in the summer so she will have to find another one which she is trying to do and her part-time job is not giving her very many hours. I also failed to mention she currently has a roommate that pays most of the household bills at where she is currently staying.

 

I have offered to help her in many ways outside of handing her cash. (I did buy her son like a $140 car seat to be nice.) I have encouraged her to take more classes (she is taking 2 classes or 6 credit hours) so she can get done faster and if she needs to work/school in the evening I have offered to watch her kid so she can work and make a little more money. She has not accepted any of my offers or advice.

 

I guess in a way I feel like she may be trying to move in with me for the security? I know she really likes me and not to brag but I think I am a good catch. ha

 

I have taken her on a few trips such as Vegas/grand canyon and flew to another north Nevada City. I have also taken her to one of my sons soccer tournaments that was out of town where she took her son too. On these trips I have paid for all the flights rental cars and anything we spend while on the trip such as food and entertainment/gambling. Should I continue that practice or insist she helps pay a little or she can just stay home? I feel like she has no skin in the game. even if she paid like 20% or something. Would that be ok for me to ask her to pay when realistically she cant even pay that?

 

 

You are her BF, not her father. You can't give her advice or make "better" decisions based on your say so. By asking her to pay for the trips you are being stingy, since you know she can't afford these things. It's one thing to expect a partner to be able to contribute to the household but it's another matter entirely to keep a tab open for dating activities when you know the other person is not on your same financial level.

 

 

Keep dating her if you enjoy her company. Treat her because you want to not because you have to.

 

 

I think you are genuinely struggling with where to draw the lines. The fact that she brought up moving in as her school job is ending & her financial picture looks more bleak is probably part of your angst & I don't blame. Especially because you purchased the car seat to keep her son safe, that tells me you are a good guy but that doesn't mean you are obligated to be a sucker.

 

 

On some level I agree with Gaeta. If you were as head over heals as you claim the financials would not be as big of a deal. I'm not saying you don't care. I am saying you have practical concerns.

 

 

Only you truly know what is best for you. From these posts I think you would prefer to continue to date her & live separately until you see more assurances that she can hold her own financially.

[Lady2163]

So, my ExH failed to see the bigger picture and look toward the future.

 

We had both been in the military. He was working four days a week, long days but still only four days. I was getting paid to go to school and I had an internship, part time job and was doing some volunteer work as well.

 

After crunching the numbers, I chose to essentially not work...maybe only a few hours a week and go to school full time (15 hours a semester) to get through faster. It figured out to about $150 less a month. We both had to sacrifice.

 

My ExH REFUSED to sacrifice. I told him if he wasn't willing to cut back his spending, he needed to work two extra days a month. He refused.

 

We got deeper and deeper in debt. He actually started spending MORE.

 

He blamed me because I wasn't "working". I sold some of MY personal things to cover HIS debt and get us back on track. He racked up the credit card bills AGAIN. I was sobbing and told him there was nothing more to sell and he wasn't going to work overtime. It was my fault because I wouldn't "work" full time.

 

We divorced. Over that and many other issues.

 

Fast forward 20 years. My ExH has probably made about the same amount of money I have. He lived rent free with his mommy for 16 or so years. I'm around 50, he's in his late 50s.

 

He lives in what I call a 1940s salt box. You know the house I'm talking about? Square houses 2-3 bedrooms, 1 bathroom, maybe 800 square feet, unfinished basement, single car garage. Mainly built for returning service members after WWII. He will have to work until the day they put him in the nursing home.

 

Meanwhile, I'm getting ready to retire. I'm also getting ready to purchase my dream home, something that will be four times the size of his place and probably about the same mortgage.

 

Because I've been better with my money than he has. He failed to see what the potential would be once I competed school. He failed to look ahead at what are lives could be. He was stuck in the "this sucks" mode and refused to consider that it would only be for two years of his life. Well, maybe 2.5 if I couldn't get all the classes I wanted to line up.

 

I would talk to your girlfriend and tell her you want to be supportive during this time of her life BUT you don't want to be in limbo for the next 3 years. That is more stress than you can take on. Tell her point blank that is she moves in with you, you fully expect her to go to school for more hours or work more hours. You will do your part in household tasks and raising her son, so she can do this.

 

If she doesn't agree, you have most of your answer. Tell her you want to wait at least another year to live together.

 

Now for one final note....education and special education majors. SpecEd teachers have a high burnout AND it may not be the best certification to have. Schools only have so many slots and when you specialize, you really have to stand out. Plus, a Masters degree is becoming the norm. A lot of school districts do expect their teachers to have continuing education hours.

 

This is a good time for her to check out all certifications/joint certifications. It also wouldn't hurt to see what local school districts have for substitute teacher requirements. Horror of horrors, if she can't get a job when she graduates, subbing can pay decent money.

 

So, look to the future, commimicate your limitations (avoid the money focus) and hopefully work as a team and family in the making.

[hoully81]

lady2163,

 

Yes I understand your position very well. In my previous marriage I told my ex not to work and just go to school as much as you can to get it done as I knew financially it was a good investment. She did that but at the same time found some friends and started going out and started cheating on me and used me the last 2 years of my marriage to pay for everything before she got caught and I immediately divorced her. Fortunately for her she only had a few months left of school to become a RN when we divorced ending a like a 17 year relationship. Maybe thats why I am gun shy on helping her?

[Gaeta]

lady2163,

 

Yes I understand your position very well. In my previous marriage I told my ex not to work and just go to school as much as you can to get it done as I knew financially it was a good investment. She did that but at the same time found some friends and started going out and started cheating on me and used me the last 2 years of my marriage to pay for everything before she got caught and I immediately divorced her. Fortunately for her she only had a few months left of school to become a RN when we divorced ending a like a 17 year relationship. Maybe thats why I am gun shy on helping her?

 

Out of those 17 years together didn't she work for 15 ? and didn't she provide for the family? So the fact the last 2 years of your marriage she chose to go to school and cheat is irrelevant.

[hoully81]

Yea your right Gaeta I never looked at it like that. I should of paid for her going out looking for other men paying her gas money to drive to her new boyfriends house that lived 30 miles away. Buy her a brand new car so she could get there. Take care of her children that were both in competitive sports and needed to be drove around all over the country. But since she did work for 15 years the least I could do was pay for the last 2 years of our marriage while she was cheating and when its was over give her half the remaining assets.

[Gaeta]

Yea your right Gaeta I never looked at it like that. I should of paid for her going out looking for other men paying her gas money to drive to her new boyfriends house that lived 30 miles away. Buy her a brand new car so she could get there. Take care of her children that were both in competitive sports and needed to be drove around all over the country. But since she did work for 15 years the least I could do was pay for the last 2 years of our marriage while she was cheating and when its was over give her half the remaining assets.

 

Listen!! stop the smartass reference. You were married for 15 years, she wanted to become a nurse. You supported her in her dream. You did what any loving husband would have done. The fact she cheated on you is another story !!!

 

If you marry this woman here and in 15 years she wants to go back to school you will say what? No I don't want to because my last wife of 15 years cheated on me while she was back at school?

 

C'mon.

 

I was cheated on as well. I don't let it screw my trust in my boyfriend. My ex was another man, another time, another place.

[Lady2163]

And I don't blame you a bit for being gun shy. People can be slimy.

 

But with your last statement, your worry isn't so much money as it is emotional and the fear of being used.

 

Don't give so much that you will regret it forever if it doesn't work out.

 

You know what your limitations are. You know what your concerns are. If you aren't ready to move in together, you aren't ready. But, if she can't continue her life the way it is and keep dating you, then she may end the relationship.

 

If I step back and think of what I would do in your situation. Geez, I don't know. I don't have kids, so that makes it harder for me to relate. I don't know how attached I would get to a single father with a deadbeat Ex in the same position.

 

But, if I did....well, I'm getting ready to retire from my real job and I may pick up a few hours a week of consulting. So, yeah....there's no reason why my imaginary boyfriend couldn't go to school full time if he and child were living with me. I've worked hard to get to this point, so someone who isn't going full force would lead me to hesitate. I would be lightening his workload and financial obligations, but mine would increase.

 

I'd probably give him the either/or. Either he works a full 40 hours and goes to school at least 15 hours a year or works part time and goes to school 27-30 hours a year. If he didn't want either of those options, then I don't think I'd move in together.

 

This time in her life does suck, but it isn't forever. She has to see that as well. Three years from now, her daycare costs could be reduced to an after school program. Logically, the faster she gets through school, the faster that isn't as much of a burden. But the expense is still going to be there.

 

This is why a lot of parents do stay home or do work different shifts until school age - or even after age 6. But, I also have friends who only have one car and have made some real sacrifices to keep the parent home.

[Larryville]

Maybe thats why I am gun shy on helping her?

 

Yes, hang on to that…

 

And I don't blame you a bit for being gun shy. People can be slimy.

 

ABSOLUTELY!

 

But with your last statement, your worry isn't so much money as it is emotional and the fear of being used.

 

AND AGAIN THIS...

 

He may let her in his home, break his back out of heavy work, and then once she steps on her feet - she can easily replace him with fresher catch.

 

So the fact the last 2 years of your marriage she chose to go to school and cheat is irrelevant.

 

I’m sorry G not irrelevant, because dudes get jacked like this all the time.

 

I know she really likes me

 

Hmmm

 

We are in love....very much so

 

Ok

 

I also don't think you love her because you didn't face her financial problem.

 

If he's in love then he should give her the little hand in life she needs. That's what people who love each other do.

 

I guess in a way I feel like she may be trying to move in with me for the security

 

Well then she IS using you as a cash cow.

 

You said

“We are in love....very much so”

 

But then said…

 

We spend a lot of time together and I have paid for and made a lot of meals for her and her kid

 

A few things in this thread that bug me, I get my OCD tendencies while reading this stuff, I dissect…

 

You said “her kid” you addressing the kid in this manner says a lot.

 

The other thing you never said once that SHE LOVED YOU… Feel free to add now but the thing here is folks add when convenient. If you look at yourself in the mirror (you said you were a good catch) and don’t think you are playing the cash cow role, then fine.

 

See to me, when you tell yourself you are a good catch, go out and find a woman who is not dependent. There are too many successful attractive smart women out there and dudes keep falling into these traps I guess because the sex is amazing.

 

Last thing, you don’t talk about how this affects your own kids, this is just fundamentally wrong to me. Prioritize your own kids FIRST.

[Gaeta]

Larryville: You really think it's relevant to compare a dating relationship of 1 year to a marriage of 17 years.

[Larryville]

You really think it's relevant to compare a dating relationship of 1 year to a marriage of 17 years

 

G I’m not “comparing” anything, we all are a product of our past, as much as we try to deny that, our experiences are ingrained in our thinking and our actions.

 

When women decide to cheat, it is more mental and it has been in the back of their minds for YEARS, because of usually guys become emotionally unavailable. Don’t know of course just sayin’

 

Yes he should be extremely cautious because I will say as crass or mean as it may sound people generally are screwed up until proven otherwise and men get jacked as I said because they get “P***y whipped and get caught up in thinking they can’t do any better.

 

Don't like the idea of prioritizing her and "her kid" over his own.

[hoully81]

Larryville- I like your post very entertaining.

She says she loves me all the time. She wants to spend all her free time with me and I can just tell that she does so I honestly have no doubts there. I left a lot about our relationship out as i didnt see that area as an issue. but thanks for asking and I am happy to clarify.

 

Not sure how to reference her kid when I dont want to use his name? I would address my kids as "my kids" too. Not really sure what that means?

 

My kids are my top priority of course and I think I have got it handled pretty good in that department I have 50/50 custody and then some as the ex's crazy work schedule. I look forward to hanging out with my kids as they are awesome and just great kids. I dated this girl for several months before I even introduced my kids to her as I wanted to make sure this is a girl that has potential for long term. Only negative with this new girl I have is she is a very shy girl and my kids are quite the opposite very outgoing and like to talk. So it seems a little awkward at times but not to big of deal. She is always nice to the kids.

 

Gaeta- I think the issue I raised is very relevant to this topic as it covers trust and being used on which I experienced first hand and to ignore that possibility would be not smart on my end.

[Gaeta]

 

Don't like the idea of prioritizing her and "her kid" over his own.

 

Then he is not ready to be in a committed relationship.

 

When I married my military ex-husband we were transferred right away. I was just out of college. It was my carrier or his and I am the one who made the sacrifice. We picked his career.

 

The following 15 years of our marriage was about his career. Not 2 years....the whole 15 years.

 

Then when we divorced I was mid 30 with.....nothing.

 

Do I resent him? Of course not. It was our choice together that we would prioritize his career. What good would it be for me to resent him! I picked up my life from there, put myself in a school, and went on with my life and I am doing pretty good.

[smackie9]

Knowing her situation, if it were me I would never date someone like this. My expectation would be of someone that is equal in most aspects, especially financial. Compatibility is key, not just personality, likes and dislikes, but background, financial status of the like, point of view, expectations and values. which bring me to this question...if you have been in a situation of being used, abused, etc...why didn't you second guess attempting a relationship with her being in her situation, at the beginning instead of waiting over a year later? THB it doesn't matter if you were not sure if it was going to work with her or not, but taking the pros and cons, the what ifs into account first knowing there is a goal to have a committed relationship. Or are you just a hopeless romantic, throwing caution into the wind, dreams of eternal love and happiness, life partner, etc. (just throwing it out there for discussion)

[Gaeta]

Gaeta- I think the issue I raised is very relevant to this topic as it covers trust and being used on which I experienced first hand and to ignore that possibility would be not smart on my end.

 

I would not be in a relationship with a man that has trust issues. Maybe you have not been divorced long enough. You cannot be entirely committed to a person when you carry resentment with you.

 

We all have experienced betrayal first hand. Not all of us let it consume us.

[Larryville]

Then he is not ready to be in a committed relationship.

 

Exactly right, gonna say again you know that by him posting here…

 

When I married my military ex-husband we were transferred right away. I was just out of college. It was my carrier or his and I am the one who made the sacrifice. We picked his career.

 

I mentioned before married young I was 20 she was 29, with two kids, just like this thread, she was struggling, but I immediately fell for her, she was older hot as hell BUT I immediately bonded with her oldest daughter (she is 35 now, and we are closer then she is with her mom) son was only a year old. BUT I made the commitment, I was all in, dated for 6 months, moved in at the roughly 8 month mark, married almost a year after that.

 

I was only an E-3 at the time, but she said she wanted to go to dental school then nursing school and unlike you I tried like hell to get her through those schools but she dropped out (3 freaking times) money pissed away.

Nice person irresponsible wife and mom to a degree, were together a total of 14 years.

 

Why in threads like this I get it, clearly why when dudes get on here and “wonder” should he support some woman and her kid, gonna be on the oh hell no side of the scale.

 

Do I resent him? Of course not.

 

Did I resent her, nope, we are friends today but was a MASSIVE mistake in hindsight, I fell in “love” really!? Maybe? She was freaking hot as hell… love? Sure…. Why not.

 

What good would it be for me to resent him!

 

Or her, I didn’t

 

But I wish like hell that there might have been a website like this 30 years ago to flood the brain with some sanity.

 

Yes I get that we all are different, but people need to freaking think, really hard in these circumstances. All I’m saying.

[Lady2163]

Larryville- I like your post very entertaining.

She says she loves me all the time. She wants to spend all her free time with me and I can just tell that she does so I honestly have no doubts there. I left a lot about our relationship out as i didnt see that area as an issue. but thanks for asking and I am happy to clarify.

 

Not sure how to reference her kid when I dont want to use his name? I would address my kids as "my kids" too. Not really sure what that means?

 

My kids are my top priority of course and I think I have got it handled pretty good in that department I have 50/50 custody and then some as the ex's crazy work schedule. I look forward to hanging out with my kids as they are awesome and just great kids. I dated this girl for several months before I even introduced my kids to her as I wanted to make sure this is a girl that has potential for long term. Only negative with this new girl I have is she is a very shy girl and my kids are quite the opposite very outgoing and like to talk. So it seems a little awkward at times but not to big of deal. She is always nice to the kids.

 

Gaeta- I think the issue I raised is very relevant to this topic as it covers trust and being used on which I experienced first hand and to ignore that possibility would be not smart on my end.

 

Your situation makes me a little sad hoully, but for a reason that is a touch off-topic.

 

You are probably close to the age range I would consider dating. Maybe a couple years too young. And I would run as fast as I could in the other direction because of the *possible* future financial obligations.

 

I make decent money for myself and I would be a good partner for a man who didn't have kids or has adult children already settled and married - maybe.

 

While you and your exW make probably decent money, my concern would be the large expenses looming in your future.

 

I'm in the socio-economic status where it is expected that parents by the children a reliable car and pay for all repairs until the child graduates college and gets a job. You have two children, so right there is probably close to $30,000 in the next 11 years.

 

Graduation parties are big deals. You invite everyone you ever met and maybe even their adult children as wel - particularly if you attended their graduation party. These can run around $5000 - or 10,000 in your case.

 

It is expected that parents in my SES pay for college and have hopefully saved for it. Roughly, $60,000 per child. Think they will get a full scholarship? I have a nephew/niece who got a full,scholarship. My sibling and their spouse saved not one nickel for the kids' college. Even with a full scholarship the now adult child starts out life with $25,000 worth of debt. It is worse for the remaining siblings who didn't get full scholarships.

 

You don't say whether your kids are male or female. Weddings run an easy $30,000 in my area. You hope the grooms family will step up and pay, but if they don't and you have a daughter, plan on $40,000 for that expense.

 

So, even if you have two sons, and you only have to pay $5000 per wedding, in the next 11-20 years, there is potential for you, ex spouse and new partners to shell out $170,000 in kid debt.

 

And there's no way I would sign on to help carry that burden. It doesn't have anything to do with loving or even liking someone. It's just more than what I'd want as a dreaded step parent.

 

So I do have to wonder, are you also secretly geared to not only not supporting another person in the beginning stages of getting their life together, but are you also looking for someone who will, in a sense, lower your future financial burdens?

 

It is totally possible for this woman to use you for the next three years or longer and then leave. I guess what I'm saying is: don't assume that your quality of life and future are quite so squeaky clean. Unless you (and your ex) have roughly an extra $200,000 stashed, your future partner will face some of the burdens with you. Oh, the sacrifices may be minor and inconsequential. One trip a year instead of two. A less expensive new car (but still new). Holding off on upgrading to a newer or better house. Holding off on expensive home projects.

 

On my own, I can easily afford pretty much any car that is around $35,000. I'd be a bit peeved if I had to go for a $27,000 or less car because of my stepchildren. I'm not a techie, but when I need a new phone, I don't want to have the cheapie flip phone while step kids get the newest IPhone just for breathing.

[xxoo]

 

I have taken her on a few trips such as Vegas/grand canyon and flew to another north Nevada City. I have also taken her to one of my sons soccer tournaments that was out of town where she took her son too. On these trips I have paid for all the flights rental cars and anything we spend while on the trip such as food and entertainment/gambling. Should I continue that practice or insist she helps pay a little or she can just stay home? I feel like she has no skin in the game. even if she paid like 20% or something. Would that be ok for me to ask her to pay when realistically she cant even pay that?

 

If you know she can't pay, why would you invite her and expect her to pay? That's just silly.

 

If you enjoy her company and want to do things with her that are outside her budget, pay her way. That's normal. If you don't want to pay for her, don't invite her.

 

Does she treat you in non-monetary ways? Make a meal for you, write love notes, or anything of that nature?

 

Relationships are investment. Money is one kind of investment; others include time, energy, and emotion. Are you both invested? Or not?

[Gaeta]

Your situation makes me a little sad hoully, but for a reason that is a touch off-topic.

 

You are probably close to the age range I would consider dating. Maybe a couple years too young. And I would run as fast as I could in the other direction because of the *possible* future financial obligations.

 

I make decent money for myself and I would be a good partner for a man who didn't have kids or has adult children already settled and married - maybe.

 

While you and your exW make probably decent money, my concern would be the large expenses looming in your future.

 

I'm in the socio-economic status where it is expected that parents by the children a reliable car and pay for all repairs until the child graduates college and gets a job. You have two children, so right there is probably close to $30,000 in the next 11 years.

 

Graduation parties are big deals. You invite everyone you ever met and maybe even their adult children as wel - particularly if you attended their graduation party. These can run around $5000 - or 10,000 in your case.

 

It is expected that parents in my SES pay for college and have hopefully saved for it. Roughly, $60,000 per child. Think they will get a full scholarship? I have a nephew/niece who got a full,scholarship. My sibling and their spouse saved not one nickel for the kids' college. Even with a full scholarship the now adult child starts out life with $25,000 worth of debt. It is worse for the remaining siblings who didn't get full scholarships.

 

You don't say whether your kids are male or female. Weddings run an easy $30,000 in my area. You hope the grooms family will step up and pay, but if they don't and you have a daughter, plan on $40,000 for that expense.

 

So, even if you have two sons, and you only have to pay $5000 per wedding, in the next 11-20 years, there is potential for you, ex spouse and new partners to shell out $170,000 in kid debt.

 

And there's no way I would sign on to help carry that burden. It doesn't have anything to do with loving or even liking someone. It's just more than what I'd want as a dreaded step parent.

 

So I do have to wonder, are you also secretly geared to not only not supporting another person in the beginning stages of getting their life together, but are you also looking for someone who will, in a sense, lower your future financial burdens?

 

It is totally possible for this woman to use you for the next three years or longer and then leave. I guess what I'm saying is: don't assume that your quality of life and future are quite so squeaky clean. Unless you (and your ex) have roughly an extra $200,000 stashed, your future partner will face some of the burdens with you. Oh, the sacrifices may be minor and inconsequential. One trip a year instead of two. A less expensive new car (but still new). Holding off on upgrading to a newer or better house. Holding off on expensive home projects.

 

On my own, I can easily afford pretty much any car that is around $35,000. I'd be a bit peeved if I had to go for a $27,000 or less car because of my stepchildren. I'm not a techie, but when I need a new phone, I don't want to have the cheapie flip phone while step kids get the newest IPhone just for breathing.

 

What the heck !

 

You put that pressure on yourself, it doesn't have to be this way because your neighbor expects you to pay your child a car.

 

My daughter had a student job from age of 17 and paid all of her personal expenses. No I did not pay her a car, she took public transportation shameful isn't it! I shared her cost of college and she paid herself her way through UNI. She is 28 now with 3 degrees, fully independent and she is happy I didn't put everything already cooked in her mouth.

[hoully81]

This is advice coming from a Financial Peace Univesity coordinator. Its a course on how to deal with money and relationships, marriage, debt, etc. There's actually a free podcast / radio show every day on DaveRamsey.com - it might be a good question to call in with and see what he says.

 

Here's my advice - find out what you're really worried about. Its been a year. That is plenty of time to figure out whether or not you want to live with this woman. If you need time to think, just tell her that you want to iron out all the financial details with lots of communication between you both before you make this move so you both don't end up hating each other over finances. Financial trouble is the #1 cause of divorce in America.

 

Are you worried that you'll get in over your head with her and want to move on or get back with an ex later on? Then it's not fair to string her along. To other posters - we don't know this woman, but wouldn't you be seeking a secure man if you were in her situation? I would. Someone financially irresponsible would just make her life harder. Sounds like a smart lady capable of that degree and maybe time is needed to see if she really is getting herself together. Its perfectly fine for you to tell her you want to wait until she's on her feet with her degree and a new job and can support herself before she moves in and in the meantime you'll be generous when you can be. If you're not willing to pick up the tab occasionally or downgrade your date night spending to make it easier on her then you should probably find another woman you would do those things for.

 

Are you worried that she doesn't love you and is after your security only? That's something you could talk with her about. Some women do it unconsciously. Maybe leave money out of the conversation and ask her how she really feels about you. If there's no love there yet you can either let her go or offer to work on communication more about your financial differences. Maybe that getting in the way of your true feelings for each other and love really is there.

 

I would have some of those conversations and of you decide to move in, have VERY clear agreements on who pays for what, how much, and be generous. Can she pay her current rent? Maybe ask her for only a portion of what she would owe. Maybe say she can stay with you and you pay the rent but she covers the bills. There will be more food to buy, more laundry to do, etc. Don't make it a black and white request - work with her to find an arrangement you both are okay with.

 

You can also agree that she can stay with you while she's still in school and working. Tell her you want to support her getting her footing under her - you don't think its a good idea to have her live there and then drop out, lose her job due to laziness, etc., because part of what gives you hope for the future is that she will eventually be using all of her talents and skills and that will only bring you two together and make her more sexy to you :-)

 

If you have other questions please let me know if I can help!

 

 

Thats good advice and try to talk to her about how she feels about me and take money out of it and see. I told her about a month ago that I was not ready for her to move in because of finances and every since then she feels like it will be 3 years for her financial situation to improve. Since that month she has looked for a better job and no luck but in that month she also has incurred more medical bills that she is unable to touch right now.

[hoully81]

Knowing her situation, if it were me I would never date someone like this. My expectation would be of someone that is equal in most aspects, especially financial. Compatibility is key, not just personality, likes and dislikes, but background, financial status of the like, point of view, expectations and values. which bring me to this question...if you have been in a situation of being used, abused, etc...why didn't you second guess attempting a relationship with her being in her situation, at the beginning instead of waiting over a year later? THB it doesn't matter if you were not sure if it was going to work with her or not, but taking the pros and cons, the what ifs into account first knowing there is a goal to have a committed relationship. Or are you just a hopeless romantic, throwing caution into the wind, dreams of eternal love and happiness, life partner, etc. (just throwing it out there for discussion)

 

Part of me did not want to judge her on her financial status but my logical side does. I am definitely not a hopeless romantic. I have a Economics degree and think very logically especially when it comes to finances.

[hoully81]

I would not be in a relationship with a man that has trust issues. Maybe you have not been divorced long enough. You cannot be entirely committed to a person when you carry resentment with you.

 

We all have experienced betrayal first hand. Not all of us let it consume us.

 

The thought of being used by someone I fully trusted will never leave me. I do not want it to ever leave me as I want to be able to see the signs which I failed to see them in my marriage.

[hoully81]

If you know she can't pay, why would you invite her and expect her to pay? That's just silly.

 

If you enjoy her company and want to do things with her that are outside her budget, pay her way. That's normal. If you don't want to pay for her, don't invite her.

 

Does she treat you in non-monetary ways? Make a meal for you, write love notes, or anything of that nature?

 

Relationships are investment. Money is one kind of investment; others include time, energy, and emotion. Are you both invested? Or not?

 

I have invited her to these places and knowingly paid 100% of the bill not expecting her to pay anything as I know she has no disposable income. If I ask her to go to dinner tonight I know I am paying 100%. Yes she has invited me to her place and made me dinner and she gives me her time. She never flakes out on me for a date or something.

[Lady2163]

What the heck !

 

You put that pressure on yourself, it doesn't have to be this way because your neighbor expects you to pay your child a car.

 

My daughter had a student job from age of 17 and paid all of her personal expenses. No I did not pay her a car, she took public transportation shameful isn't it! I shared her cost of college and she paid herself her way through UNI. She is 28 now with 3 degrees, fully independent and she is happy I didn't put everything already cooked in her mouth.

 

God, no I don't think it is horrible. I'm just telling you what the expectations are. Some of it has to do with appearances, some of it safety, some of it conveniences.

 

Most people in my area WANT their kids to have a car. We had a kid in high school who drove a 30 year old Volkswagen bus that wouldn't shift into reverse. He had to do creative parking and think ahead. Nowadays, his parents could get into trouble for possibly risking his safety.

 

I rode a bicycle or walked two miles to my job. We have five months of winter here. Snow and ice. I think my parents maybe gave me a ride twice in three years. Again, nowadays that is almost abusive. My parents were both home from work, they very easily could have given me a ride.

 

OP has kids who are athletes. If they are starters or early substitutes, they won't have much chance to work. A friend has a daughter who as a freshman was moved up to varsity basketball. Starting in the second week of school, they had either early morning or after school shooting and weight lifting. The season ran November to March. Now they are back to shooting, weights and even scrimmages. During the summer they have team camps, tournaments and individual training - along with weights and shooting again. While much of this isn't mandatory, it is the only way to excel at the competitive level that is their high school. So, OPs kids may not have a lot of free time.

 

I am totally applying my situation and standards, which might not be the OPs. I admit that. I also admit I couldn't live up to those. Well, I could, I just don't want to.