Money issue

[No_Go]

Sounds good... In writing.

 

In reality, outside of marriage individuals over 18 should be able to support themselves and their dependent children without mooching off their partner's wallet.

 

He may let her in his home, break his back out of heavy work, and then once she steps on her feet - she can easily replace him with fresher catch.

 

Saying this from my bitter experience of supporting men in a 'bad' place...

 

You are ahead of yourself here. She is in school for another 3 years. By the time this child start Kindergarten she will be working full time and will be able to provide for him and for the household.

 

If I were OP I would suggest her to move in, to go to school full time and graduate in 1 year instead of 3. This way they are both winning. But like I said that's what people do when they are committed together and believe in each other.

[Leigh 87]

After a year, if you really loved her then you would actually WANT to support her. She is working towards a better future for herself and her child. True love is when you believe in someone and support their dreams with the hope that they would do exactly the same thing for you if the roles were reversed.

 

It's been a year. That's well enough time to figure out whether you love the girl enough to want to support her.

 

My bf is on an average income and he offered to support me during college. I decided to work part time and let him support me partially instead.

 

Good lord you don't sound very generous. You sound like you resent paying for women on dates and outings and you rather prefer a woman to pay her own way.

 

You're not in love mate. This isn't love. Or maybe it is and you're legitimately not very generous with money to even a woman who you're crazy about?

[Gaeta]

Sounds good... In writing.

 

In reality, outside of marriage individuals over 18 should be able to support themselves and their dependent children without mooching off their partner's wallet.

 

He may let her in his home, break his back out of heavy work, and then once she steps on her feet - she can easily replace him with fresher catch.

 

Saying this from my bitter experience of supporting men in a 'bad' place...

 

Yes for some it's been a bad experience, for others it's been a happy ending. It depends on many factors.

[Ami1uwant]

Issue: Girlfreind wants to move in but I am having doubts mostly over this one issue. How should I approach this issue?

 

I have been seeing this girl for over a year now. We have great connection when we are together and physically cant keep our hands off each other. She has 1 kid Custody 90% of time (3 years old) I have 2 kids custody 50% (11 and 15) all from previous marriages. The issue I am having is money. She does not make much money at all and is actually getting food assistance and help for daycare for her kid from the government. She is working on her degree but still probably has 3+ years to get it. She has very little support from her ex who cant even keep a job to pay her child supports as he is very behind.

 

Me financially I am very stable I have no debt outside my house loan and have had my current job for years. I do not make a huge salary but can afford to pay my bills and never go hungry and have a few bucks extra for something fun.

 

When we go out to eat or go do something for entertainment she never pays which is probably my fault as I know she does not have the money to be doing those things as she cant pay her current bills she has so I offer to pay every time.

 

What should I be doing? Am I being selfish to think I am going to have to pay for this girls bills and even her kid as she cant afford her current lifestyle which is very conservative. Should I be cutting it off. I am lost.

 

Thanks for any advice.

 

How much age difference is there???

 

If she completes this degree how will this change her career/income.

 

The fact she gets food stamps and other assistance isn't as 7nusual as you may think. It depends on the state in the us you live 8n. Some states give out children support based on income levels up to $50

 

If you get married you won't have 3 home payments and other monthly bills like electricity. But she would lose the stste aid. You get married your income would factor 8nto the child's f8nacial aid. If you don't have main custody of prior children your income may not factor into the college aid.

 

A prior relationship of mine I made more than she did by about 60% more. She had a child. Her child was a tennager. I told her early on, us getting married wasn't going to happen because my income would kill her child on finacial aid for college.

 

In that relationship with her. There was times she was tight on money. I paid about 90% of the dates. She paid sometimes she had extra money.

 

I would have been concerned if she was always insisting on high end places to eat or more expensive things to do.

 

She wasn't like that. She also wasn't asking me for loans or money to pay for things except about 2 times due to unusual circumstances.

[Gaeta]

You assume that the OP's GF will stay with him the entire time she is in school. This also assumes that she does not bounce the moment she lands that dream job she is qualified for once she finishes her education. You also assume that she will even get a job at all once her education is finished.

 

One of my best friends' GF left him the moment she finished nursing school. As an RN, she got a crush on a doctor and figured she would trade up. She used him to support her while she went to school and then she bailed once he was no longer needed.

 

I am friends with a woman now who has a master's degree, but has no ambition to ever work. She just keeps continuing her education.

 

I think as usual, it all comes down to trust. If the OP trusts his GF not to screw him over, and he is fine with things how they are, then he can move her in. However, I do think that the fact he is even having enough doubts that he is posting here shows that he doesn't really trust her, or at least he feels he cannot count on her.

 

Like I said it's about how much you believe in your relationship and in each other. You have horror stories and I have stories with happy endings. In each case, good or bad, the person had to take a chance on her-his partner.

 

When I met my second long term partner he had just lost his job. Six months into our relationship I co-singed for him to get a car and credit cards. I took a chance on him. A few months later he got 'The' job and he gave me back 100 times what I had given him. When we split 4 years later he was extremely generous with me and made sure my daughter and I were comfortable and had everything we needed.

 

Not every body is out to suck the living out of others. You've been dating her 1 year. Look at how she raises her child, look at her relationships with her parents, siblings, look at how she treats others, look at her character, is she honest, is she genuine, is she opportunist etc.

[xxoo]

Don't move her and her child in unless you 100% want to be family together. It's really not fair to her child otherwise, whether she (the mom) sees it that way or not.

 

Date, treat her to nice meals, but keep your living situations and family finances separate until/unless you feel a strong desire to commit to being a family.

[hoully81]

Sorry I have no idea how to quote so i am just going to respond with your name.

 

Gaeta- No I do not go to her place and see her fridge half empty and do not help. I have said in my original post I pay for everything when we go out including when her kid is with us. We live in America that has these social programs so there fridge is not empty.

 

There is also many more expenses then just "putting food in a 3 year old child" thanks for the in depth thoughts on the subject.

 

I have been dating her for a year but really have just gotten in her budget withing the last 3 or 4 months when I started asking because she was always "broke"

 

I truly dont think she can provide to the household budget that is mainly where my issue is. after she pays daycare, insurance, car ins, gas, medical bills she is flat broke.

 

We are in love....very much so

 

Larryville- I understand that money is a huge issue in relationships that is why I am posting here looking to see other people opinion. I have a Economics degree so money does not scare me and I know how to manage it with no problems. My previous marriage failed over other issues and money was never really an issue. i do love her and yes money is still an issue so I am not sure where you are coming from saying if I lover her I would not be posting here?

 

Yes I came from a long marriage but that is a in the past now and my life is better after the divorce. I am in another chapter in my life but thank you for taking the time to get some background info as it does help to see where I am coming from.

 

Scooby-philly- great advice..She has had very little support in her life from family and her ex. She seems to be wanting to improve her life emotionally and financially.

 

Clia-Your advice is simple and I may just take it. just wait awhile to make sure everything seems right.

 

d0nnivai- of course i wanted sexy fun times but I also wanted a partner. we have sexy fun times and yes she has a kid that does not bother me at all. only thing that concerns me is my financial status will most likely go down as she currently is unable to pay her bills. Her health ins and daycare kills her budget. i have gone thru it with her and she is truly broke. she works full time and has a part time job. Her ex is worthless and yes she has gone to court but when he is not working she gets zero money. so far this year she maybe have gotten like $300 from him.

[Blanco]

Why in a recent thread I stated why I avoid about single moms, because it is NOT just about the person you are dating, you indeed are dating the child too and when things fall apart (particularly after bonding with the child) you lose BOTH. This is not about being “anti” single mom this is about the reality of building a TRUE relationship, particularly if you move in together, that kids bonds with that individual and when it ends the emotional effect on the child is a big deal.

 

Excellent point. I dated (and eventually lived with) a single mom. I can tell you that a year removed from that relationship, it's the kids I miss the most. I would actually be OK never hearing from her again. It's the gut-wrenching reality that I'm no longer part of the kids' lives, nor will I likely be in the future, even in a minor capacity. That's been easily the most devastating about the end of that relationship, which frankly, needed to end. That doesn't mean it's been any easier to disengage emotionally from those kids, who I genuinely loved as my own.

[Gaeta]

We live in America that has these social programs so there fridge is not empty.

What she gets is nowhere enough to feed her and her child with a healthy diet. Healthy eating cost a lot. Having the fridge full of craft dinner and bread is not having a full fridge. I am Canadian and I know your social programs don't come near ours, and ours is barely enough to survive.

 

I truly dont think she can provide to the household budget that is mainly where my issue is. after she pays daycare, insurance, car ins, gas, medical bills she is flat broke.

If she is able to provide for all of this right now then she'll continue providing for them once living with you.

 

What is it you want her to provide for? The mortgage? Isn't she already paying a rent? She will save that money if she lives under your roof and she can pay small bills like utilities and phones. How is having her living with you be more expensive?

 

When 2 people have a huge difference in earning they don't split 50-50, they split by %.

 

We are in love....very much so

Then what's the worry?

 

Question: If she works full time + a part time job, how can she be studying?

 

If indeed she is working full time + a part time job, plus raising a toddler on her own, with no family support, and is trying to study through that to better her life...then she is one tough cookie!! and she sounds like the kind of resilient strong woman a man would want in his life.

[d0nnivain]

OP

 

 

Your response post paints a picture that she is hardworking & stuck. I can't help but think she sees you as a way to get unstuck & that is not completely fair. If you are not fully emotionally invested in being the primary breadwinner keep your households separate.

[Gaeta]

 

Your response post paints a picture that she is hardworking & stuck. .

 

That's exactly the kind of person you want as a partner: hardworking.

 

When he unstuck her she will keep on being hardworking.

 

I'd pick stuck and hardworking over lazy and rich any day.

[xxoo]

only thing that concerns me is my financial status will most likely go down as she currently is unable to pay her bills. Her health ins and daycare kills her budget. i have gone thru it with her and she is truly broke. she works full time and has a part time job. Her ex is worthless and yes she has gone to court but when he is not working she gets zero money. so far this year she maybe have gotten like $300 from him.

 

Any time you attach yourself to another, and esp a child, you run the risk of needing to support them. The difference here is that you already know that she can't contribute to your household. She's supporting herself and her child, but that's it. She can't afford to contribute to your lifestyle.

 

Do you want her fully in your life? If so, grab that woman and make her yours! She will very much be a full partner, even if she is not matching you financially.

 

Are you feeling like you aren't ready for that sort of commitment? Heed that. Be honest with her. Let her go, if that's what she chooses.

[Larryville]

i do love her and yes money is still an issue so I am not sure where you are coming from saying if I lover her I would not be posting here?

 

 

After a year, if you really loved her then you would actually WANT to support her. She is working towards a better future for herself and her child. True love is when you believe in someone and support their dreams with the hope that they would do exactly the same thing for you if the roles were reversed.

 

I'm gonna steal something Satu posted on another thread, but can apply anytime someone uses "love" in a post.

 

There are many things that people call 'love,' which aren't love at all.

 

Here's a little test:

 

"Love is total commitment to a person's wellbeing."

 

If you can meet that standard, its love.

 

If you can't, it isn't.

[lino]

Don't let her move in.

 

Its not your responsibility to feed and roof a child that isn't yours! If she's struggling to do that, she should've thought before being impregnated by some lowlife.

If genders were reversed here, you'd see mostly 'dump that lazy bum!' as replies.

 

I don't think you need to dump her but Tell her that once her finances are more stable, you can both rent/buy a place together.

[lino]

OP

 

 

Your response post paints a picture that she is hardworking & stuck. I can't help but think she sees you as a way to get unstuck & that is not completely fair. If you are not fully emotionally invested in being the primary breadwinner keep your households separate.

 

Yep, just a free loader looking for a short cut.

[xxoo]

If genders were reversed here, you'd see mostly 'dump that lazy bum!' as replies.

 

Wrong. Many of us have supported partners in our relationships. Step children, too. That's what family is.

[frus69]

I think she at least partially wants your help financially hence suggested moving in.

 

 

I also don't think you love her because you didn't face her financial problem.

 

 

You both "love" each other-with conditions.

[No_Go]

They're not a family though. Just dating.

 

And OP has kids too - two of them.

 

If there was marriage on the table - ok, but people just dating... it is a very risky decision to support not one person but two.

 

Wrong. Many of us have supported partners in our relationships. Step children, too. That's what family is.

[xxoo]

They're not a family though. Just dating.

 

And OP has kids too - two of them.

 

If there was marriage on the table - ok, but people just dating... it is a very risky decision to support not one person but two.

 

That's why I advised him to only have her move in if he's ready to commit as a family. It has as much to do with the kids as it does with the financial issue. It's not fair to the kids to move in together if there is no commitment to being a family.

[No_Go]

Fully agree, I missed the earlier comments.

 

Kids will attach and it is not fair to them unless they're planning on a life commitment...

 

That's why I advised him to only have her move in if he's ready to commit as a family. It has as much to do with the kids as it does with the financial issue. It's not fair to the kids to move in together if there is no commitment to being a family.

[TXGuy]

What she gets is nowhere enough to feed her and her child with a healthy diet. Healthy eating cost a lot. Having the fridge full of craft dinner and bread is not having a full fridge. I am Canadian and I know your social programs don't come near ours, and ours is barely enough to survive.

 

 

I don't understand where you are coming from Gaeta. When you were telling him he should pay to feed her daughter, you made a big deal about the fact that feeding a 3 year old costs next to nothing. Now you are suggesting it costs a lot to feed a three year old (in the context of we need to increase welfare payments).

 

I don't care about either position, but at least try to be consistent.

[Gaeta]

I don't understand where you are coming from Gaeta. When you were telling him he should pay to feed her daughter, you made a big deal about the fact that feeding a 3 year old costs next to nothing. Now you are suggesting it costs a lot to feed a three year old (in the context of we need to increase welfare payments).

 

I don't care about either position, but at least try to be consistent.

 

It cost nothing for a person like OP to feed a 3 year old. Dairy products, fruits, vegetables, meat, cereals. He already has that in his fridge. She lives on stamps, I mean she survives on stamps. What kind of grocery shopping you think people do on stamps? It's proven that poor people cannot eat healthy. They can't buy fresh products and dairy product, forget about red meat. They mostly buy carb products, canned and boxed products to stretch their money.

 

If he's in love then he should give her the little hand in life she needs. That's what people who love each other do.

 

This woman works 2 freakin job + study! She deserves a medal and a little break !! He should be proud of her instead of frowning upon her financial situation.

[hoully81]

She works at a school so that job will be ending in the summer so she will have to find another one which she is trying to do and her part-time job is not giving her very many hours. I also failed to mention she currently has a roommate that pays most of the household bills at where she is currently staying.

 

I have offered to help her in many ways outside of handing her cash. (I did buy her son like a $140 car seat to be nice.) I have encouraged her to take more classes (she is taking 2 classes or 6 credit hours) so she can get done faster and if she needs to work/school in the evening I have offered to watch her kid so she can work and make a little more money. She has not accepted any of my offers or advice.

 

I guess in a way I feel like she may be trying to move in with me for the security? I know she really likes me and not to brag but I think I am a good catch. ha

 

I have taken her on a few trips such as Vegas/grand canyon and flew to another north Nevada City. I have also taken her to one of my sons soccer tournaments that was out of town where she took her son too. On these trips I have paid for all the flights rental cars and anything we spend while on the trip such as food and entertainment/gambling. Should I continue that practice or insist she helps pay a little or she can just stay home? I feel like she has no skin in the game. even if she paid like 20% or something. Would that be ok for me to ask her to pay when realistically she cant even pay that?

[Gaeta]

If she was looking for security should would have accepted all of your offers, she has not.

 

Taking her on trips and restaurant is very generous of you but it does not help her manage through life.

 

When you give do it out of your heart and don't expect anything in return.

 

If she were in school full time how long would it take her to finish? What is she studying? Is there a demand in that field? does it pay decently?

[No_Go]

Well then she IS using you as a cash cow. A starving woman / mother will be more happy with a decent grocery purchase than a useless Vegas trip.

 

Why do you put up with this? How old is she?

 

 

She works at a school so that job will be ending in the summer so she will have to find another one which she is trying to do and her part-time job is not giving her very many hours. I also failed to mention she currently has a roommate that pays most of the household bills at where she is currently staying.

 

I have offered to help her in many ways outside of handing her cash. (I did buy her son like a $140 car seat to be nice.) I have encouraged her to take more classes (she is taking 2 classes or 6 credit hours) so she can get done faster and if she needs to work/school in the evening I have offered to watch her kid so she can work and make a little more money. She has not accepted any of my offers or advice.

 

I guess in a way I feel like she may be trying to move in with me for the security? I know she really likes me and not to brag but I think I am a good catch. ha

 

I have taken her on a few trips such as Vegas/grand canyon and flew to another north Nevada City. I have also taken her to one of my sons soccer tournaments that was out of town where she took her son too. On these trips I have paid for all the flights rental cars and anything we spend while on the trip such as food and entertainment/gambling. Should I continue that practice or insist she helps pay a little or she can just stay home? I feel like she has no skin in the game. even if she paid like 20% or something. Would that be ok for me to ask her to pay when realistically she cant even pay that?