hoully81 Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 Issue: Girlfreind wants to move in but I am having doubts mostly over this one issue. How should I approach this issue? I have been seeing this girl for over a year now. We have great connection when we are together and physically cant keep our hands off each other. She has 1 kid Custody 90% of time (3 years old) I have 2 kids custody 50% (11 and 15) all from previous marriages. The issue I am having is money. She does not make much money at all and is actually getting food assistance and help for daycare for her kid from the government. She is working on her degree but still probably has 3+ years to get it. She has very little support from her ex who cant even keep a job to pay her child supports as he is very behind. Me financially I am very stable I have no debt outside my house loan and have had my current job for years. I do not make a huge salary but can afford to pay my bills and never go hungry and have a few bucks extra for something fun. When we go out to eat or go do something for entertainment she never pays which is probably my fault as I know she does not have the money to be doing those things as she cant pay her current bills she has so I offer to pay every time. What should I be doing? Am I being selfish to think I am going to have to pay for this girls bills and even her kid as she cant afford her current lifestyle which is very conservative. Should I be cutting it off. I am lost. Thanks for any advice.
Gaeta Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 Do you love her or not? Do you see yourself spending the rest of your life with her? Do you believe in her and do you believe in your relationship? If the man I love finds himself in a difficult situation while he is trying to better his life I would have NO problem providing for him till he is back on his feet. That's what being in a relationship is about. We go through difficult times together. Maybe later down the road she'll be the one putting food on your table and a roof over your head. As for her child, if you are not ready to love, provide, protect, treat this child as your own then she is not 'the one' for you. How can you let her live on food stamps? you mean you go to her place and fridge is half empty and you don't help? I have filled the fridge of friends more than once, and you hesitate to fill your girlfriend's fridge? 5
Larryville Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 Ok I admit I am overanalyzing a bit but here it goes… The issue I am having is money. She does not make much money at all and is actually getting food assistance and help for daycare for her kid from the government. She is working on her degree but still probably has 3+ years to get it. She has very little support from her ex who cant even keep a job to pay her child supports as he is very behind. As someone who married someone long ago with two kids, in a “struggling situation” you are already posting about money and believe me when I tell you it will become a HUGE issue down the road and you will indeed resent her. In addition you have two active teens this situation will affect them as well, you paying for college? Will you continue to support them? As for her child, if you are not ready to love, provide, protect, treat this child as your own then she is not 'the one' for you. Absolutely, your commitment to this child MUST BE 100 percent no wavering for the child's sake. Do you love her or not? Do you see yourself spending the rest of your life with her? If you “loved her” would not be posting here and money would not be an issue. We have great connection when we are together and physically cant keep our hands off each other… The physical will go away, did not mention “love” at least in this post. Going back to an older post.. I do want my ex back and want my family unit back together but I know we have a lot of hate/mistrust for each other that would need to be over come to have a successful relationship again. So this will be in the back of your mind too… Another old post… I was never the most romantic husband during our relationship. She said she really wanted that from me and she says she felt like I didn't love her apparently I failed bad enough for her to leave me. We spent a lot of time on our kids as they are both in competitive sports and I believe that put a strain on our relationship as every night is practices/games and on a lot of weekends we are out of town for tournaments etc. Old relationship habit and when the physical wanes in this relationship will you do the same with this woman? Will use this again, when someone gets to the point of posting here, it is a little more than just a small issue. Good Luck 2
scooby-philly Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 Ok, Let's get a few things straight. 1. It is not a man's responsibility - or a woman's to buy their BF/GF food or buy things for their kid. Yes, if you are dating someone with 1 or more children, that child becomes a part of your life. But you are not the parent. Even if the "father" in this case is a deadbeat, the child has their own view of things regardless of age. And until you say "I Do" there's no formal responsibility for it either. Now, that doesn't mean you can take your kids and the gf on a vacation and not take her kid. But with your own obligations it seems like it's tight to begin with. You're not the savior here. Don't buy into the "good guy" syndrome or develop a savior complex 2. I agree with Gaeta's one point - once you get past 24/25 everyone's life story stops being the same. That means people end up dating in all types of different circumstances. The real issue is that you can't judge what's in a person's heart (or mind) until something happens. Look at all the people who support someone (even if only in cheering them on; not necessarily financially) through medical school or law school only to be dumped when the person comes out. You either accept where she is and what that means to how you live your life NOW. You can imagine the future all you want - can you deal with the reality of NOW. I know for myself, I don't judge people but I would have a hard time dealing with someone who didn't have their act together to a certain degree. It just gets exponentially harder the older you get. Look at it this way - is she really taking school as serious as she can. Even if she can't afford to go full-time or has to take just 1 class a semester b/c of cost/timing - is she passionate about the field - is she doing other things to learn? I mean, you can judge someone based on the sum total of their choices. I dated a woman who was a train wreck - every marriage failed, no sense of responsibility, didn't even want full custody of her kids - yet thought she was the ****. If she manages to finally complete her degree by 2018 she'll be 42 with probably 100k in debt, she doesn't know how to work with people, and doesn't know how to hold a job. I should have seen it but I was too afraid to acknowledge what I felt at first. 3. From a purely financial aspect - the issue is how did she end up in that situation. That does mean you "judge" her - but did she have to struggle her whole life - no parents or unsupportive ones, an abusive parent who taught her only how to be in abusive relationships? People surprisingly can change their lives for the better - but you need to understand the journey from there to here (current situation). If I was struggling I would immediately cut down and re-order my life to make sure I was healthy long-term as well.
clia Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 You don't have to agree to move in together just because she "wants to." And I don't think it's selfish at all for you to be concerned. When she's brought it up, does she address how things will work financially? Have the two if you discussed it? Have you discussed marriage? Has she investigated whether she will lose her government benefits if she moves in with you? Personally, i don't understand why people jump the gun so quickly to live together. You could find yourself in a huge mess, and yes, you will end up footing the bill for her and her kid. Do you even see a future with her given her financial situation? 1
SwordofFlame Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 Personally, i don't understand why people jump the gun so quickly to live together. You could find yourself in a huge mess, and yes, you will end up footing the bill for her and her kid. Do you even see a future with her given her financial situation? From the posts I've seen on here, one reason people want to move in quickly IS because they're struggling financially like OP's girlfriend here. 6
Gaeta Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 If you “loved her” would not be posting here and money would not be an issue. And certainly would not be worrying about putting food in a 3 year old child. 1
d0nnivain Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 Given the disproportionate financial situation & the fact that money leads to more break ups then almost anything else, I think you are right to be concerned & there is no need to live together now. It takes more than good sex to make a relationship work. Living together so soon with all those kids involve is a bad idea in my opinion. You two don't have enough of a foundation. I see what you suspect -- a woman looking for a man to solve her financial problems. 5
Gaeta Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 I see what you suspect -- a woman looking for a man to solve her financial problems. What do you think he is looking for ? They have been dating for a year and he's known about her financial situation since beginning. If her financial means were a problem why did he start dating her? After a year dating it's normal a woman will start thinking security and long term. 3
Larryville Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 And certainly would not be worrying about putting food in a 3 year old child. Exactly! Why in a recent thread I stated why I avoid about single moms, because it is NOT just about the person you are dating, you indeed are dating the child too and when things fall apart (particularly after bonding with the child) you lose BOTH. This is not about being “anti” single mom this is about the reality of building a TRUE relationship, particularly if you move in together, that kids bonds with that individual and when it ends the emotional effect on the child is a big deal. What do you think he is looking for ? They have been dating for a year and he's known about her financial situation since beginning. If her financial means were a problem why did he start dating her? She became a suitable substitute for the ex, sex is great... now... go back to old posts 3
TXGuy Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 I wanted to make a technical point below: You need to do some research on this before you move in with her. Different jurisdictions have different rules, but at least in the US, most welfare/foodstamp programs are based on 'household' income. If that is the case, she will lose her assistance if you move in together. That would mean that you would have to take up the slack. 2
d0nnivain Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 What do you think he is looking for ? They have been dating for a year and he's known about her financial situation since beginning. If her financial means were a problem why did he start dating her? After a year dating it's normal a woman will start thinking security and long term. Security & long term is marriage IMO. I know people don't agree with me. I also think it's bad for unmarried parents to cohabitate without benefit of marriage. What may be OK for people over 30 isn't right for teens & I think living together sends the wrong message to the kids & also confuses them if the relationship ends. I think the OP wanted sexy fun times not all the responsibilities that come with somebody else's kids. Yes he knew she had a child & he knew she didn't make that much money. None of those things matter when you are only dating. They matter an awful lot when you set up house together. 4
Gaeta Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 I wanted to make a technical point below: You need to do some research on this before you move in with her. Different jurisdictions have different rules, but at least in the US, most welfare/foodstamp programs are based on 'household' income. If that is the case, she will lose her assistance if you move in together. That would mean that you would have to take up the slack. So? How much does a 3 year old eat? And she is making some money, she will be providing to the household expenses. Maybe not 50% but she still will be providing. 1
GorillaTheater Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 So? How much does a 3 year old eat? And she is making some money, she will be providing to the household expenses. Maybe not 50% but she still will be providing. I think the OP needs to seriously think about her financial situation and whether he's okay with it. I think the situation has come to the fore now because of the living together talk. Things have suddenly gotten real. I don't have stats at my fingertips, but I've heard and have no reason to disbelieve that financial issues are the leading cause of divorce. At a minimum, they need to have a long conversation about money and how they see managing money issues in the relationship. 2
Gaeta Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 Security & long term is marriage IMO. I know people don't agree with me. I also think it's bad for unmarried parents to cohabitate without benefit of marriage. What may be OK for people over 30 isn't right for teens & I think living together sends the wrong message to the kids & also confuses them if the relationship ends. It's the commitment of the heart that counts, not the city hall paper. I think the OP wanted sexy fun times not all the responsibilities that come with somebody else's kids. Yes he knew she had a child & he knew she didn't make that much money. None of those things matter when you are only dating. They matter an awful lot when you set up house together. My mistake here is first time I read OP's story I thought we were dealing with a man and woman in love. We're not. For these reasons I don't think they should move in together. When I married my ex-husband I was still in college so it means he financially supported me. In my book that's what men and women do when they are in love and in life together. 1
smackie9 Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 IMO she is looking at you as a meal ticket to get ahead....of course she want you both to live together! Why wouldn't she?? You should wait another year or so before you decide you are ready to move in...let the honeymoon phase end first....everything seems all rosy with your head in the clouds, so logically thinking ends up out the window. Secondly, you need to have a straight talk with her....it's unfortunate but she needs to straighten out her own financial issues first like taking the deadbeat dad to court. If you do live together you need to have a reality check by discussing how the bills are going to be paid, who pays for what, and how much etc. For now, it's obvious you will be paying for mostly everything if you move in together, are you willing to invest in someone that you have only known for a year??? I wouldn't. 2
smackie9 Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 Security & long term is marriage IMO. I know people don't agree with me. I also think it's bad for unmarried parents to cohabitate without benefit of marriage. What may be OK for people over 30 isn't right for teens & I think living together sends the wrong message to the kids & also confuses them if the relationship ends. I think the OP wanted sexy fun times not all the responsibilities that come with somebody else's kids. Yes he knew she had a child & he knew she didn't make that much money. None of those things matter when you are only dating. They matter an awful lot when you set up house together. I agree with you 100%......
d0nnivain Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 Love and money are different things. OP I think you enjoy having her around but she's getting more serious then you are at this point. You are at a crossroads. Think long & hard about what you want to do next before you make a decision because it will effect all the kids & may effect her eligibility for various forms of assistance. It may be for you that once actual obligations creep in this is no longer fun for you. 2
smackie9 Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 Ya love doesn't pay the bills and puts food on the table. 1
Gaeta Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 (edited) I don't have stats at my fingertips, but I've heard and have no reason to disbelieve that financial issues are the leading cause of divorce. At a minimum, they need to have a long conversation about money and how they see managing money issues in the relationship. You are right, money issues is a big problem in relationships. That being said OP would not be breaking his back financially to support her. He says it, he has no debt and own his home. It's just the principal of paying partially for her and her child that bothers him. Also, she is in school to better her situation, it's not like she's doomed financially for the rest of her life. Like I said in my other post I was in college when I got married and was financially supported by my husband. No i did not run away after my diploma. We were together 15 years and once I graduated I worked full time from then. My youngest brother met his girlfriend he was still in University. He moved in with her and she financially supported him his 2 last years. He made a very small salary working part time. She was the main bread winner. Now he's done his Uni and working a big government job and they travel the world. She did it because she believed in their relationship and she believed in him. If you don't have that type of faith with each other then don't move in together. Edited April 11, 2016 by Gaeta 3
Larryville Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 but at least in the US, most welfare/foodstamp programs are based on 'household' income. If that is the case, she will lose her assistance if you move in together. That would mean that you would have to take up the slack. Yup So? How much does a 3 year old eat? And she is making some money, she will be providing to the household expenses. Maybe not 50% but she still will be providing. This is not just about food... What if the child has allergies, co-pays for doctors’ visits, immunizations? As the child gets older clothing, a new winter coat? His GF is still in school, babysitting? Also as stated he has active teens, he has to contribute to their activities, sports, vacations, birthdays, proms, holidays ect. What about things like braces, glasses for those kids and when this three year old goes to pre-school costs associated with that. This is WAY above just feeding the kid. 1
GorillaTheater Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 My wife's been a SAHM for 20 years, so I'm not philosophically opposed to financially supporting a woman, but it concerns me that the OP's SO appears to be in such dire financial straights. We've been told at least some of the reasons for that: her schooling and lack of child support, but I'm wondering what other factors may be in play. It's vital that they're on the same page before taking their relationship to this new level. 2
Gaeta Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 What if the child has allergies, co-pays for doctors’ visits, immunizations? As the child gets older clothing, a new winter coat? His GF is still in school, babysitting? Also as stated he has active teens, he has to contribute to their activities, sports, vacations, birthdays, proms, holidays ect. What about things like braces, glasses for those kids and when this three year old goes to pre-school costs associated with that. This is WAY above just feeding the kid. You are ahead of yourself here. She is in school for another 3 years. By the time this child start Kindergarten she will be working full time and will be able to provide for him and for the household. If I were OP I would suggest her to move in, to go to school full time and graduate in 1 year instead of 3. This way they are both winning. But like I said that's what people do when they are committed together and believe in each other.
salparadise Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 Since she still has several years of school to go and a deadbeat ex-husband, it's probable that you're going to end up mostly supporting her. The good news is that it's not going to cost any more for the mortgage and very little more for water and electricity. If she can manage to contribute enough to cover the extra food and clothes for her and the kid, it will mostly be a break even. Two can live cheaper than one, per capita. But the real question is, what's the plan for the future? Are you planning to marry her? If yes then why not just postpone moving in until you're married. That way what's yours is hers and it won't feel so much like a charitable cause. If not, then what's the exit strategy? If you all don't get married it may be very difficult to move her back out on her own again if and when the time comes. Unless she lives a long way from you, what's the practical advantage to you? It seems to me that maintaining separate abodes until/unless your ready to tie the knot would make a lot of sense. 1
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