SparklyKittens Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 I broke up with my ex about 10 days ago and I found out last night he was already talking to someone new, he says he's really happy, hadn't given me a single thought and that he has feelings for her.. He told me on the day we broke up that he wasn't going to get involved with someone else because he didn't believe it was right or fair, but now I find out he's talking to her. Our relationship was pretty unhealthy and I recognise this now. I had issues with trust and jealousy issues because he crossed boundaries. He had issues with anger and I have depression which would often conflict and lead to arguments. We also had a lot of happiness in between, a lot of lows and highs.I was coming to terms with the relationship ending, had been thinking about it a fair bit but stopped wallowing over it. We originally dated for 10 months and broke up in December(he broke up with me) but we got back together in January Because things seemingly had improved. He started telling me he loved me again, bought me flowers and stuff for Valentine's Day. Jealousy wasn't a big issue after we got back together but things just became dull and I realised it wasn't really making me happy. I broke up with him one night after an argument and we got back together which is when he says he started to not see a future etc. Two weeks later I broke it off for good and now I find out this and I'm just really shocked, it makes me feel like the relationship was meaningless and just that all of a sudden he doesn't care when I wanted to keep him in my life and he seemed to want the same. Now I feel that I can't because this has happened. I keep trying to work out whether he's rebounding or whether it's anything serious, I know that it shouldn't matter either way because I don't want to get back with him but I hate thinking that he's completely emotionally detached himself from me already.
Nickr3023 Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 I broke up with my ex about 10 days ago and I found out last night he was already talking to someone new, he says he's really happy, hadn't given me a single thought and that he has feelings for her.. He told me on the day we broke up that he wasn't going to get involved with someone else because he didn't believe it was right or fair, but now I find out he's talking to her. Our relationship was pretty unhealthy and I recognise this now. I had issues with trust and jealousy issues because he crossed boundaries. He had issues with anger and I have depression which would often conflict and lead to arguments. We also had a lot of happiness in between, a lot of lows and highs.I was coming to terms with the relationship ending, had been thinking about it a fair bit but stopped wallowing over it. We originally dated for 10 months and broke up in December(he broke up with me) but we got back together in January Because things seemingly had improved. He started telling me he loved me again, bought me flowers and stuff for Valentine's Day. Jealousy wasn't a big issue after we got back together but things just became dull and I realised it wasn't really making me happy. I broke up with him one night after an argument and we got back together which is when he says he started to not see a future etc. Two weeks later I broke it off for good and now I find out this and I'm just really shocked, it makes me feel like the relationship was meaningless and just that all of a sudden he doesn't care when I wanted to keep him in my life and he seemed to want the same. Now I feel that I can't because this has happened. I keep trying to work out whether he's rebounding or whether it's anything serious, I know that it shouldn't matter either way because I don't want to get back with him but I hate thinking that he's completely emotionally detached himself from me already. Highly doubt he's completely detached himself from you so quickly, but I'd say he's on the way to trying to move on from you. You need to cut off all forms of contact. You broke up with him, let him be.
Neffer Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 He likely is not over you, but he is moving on with his life. Men in particular seem to throw themselves into a new relationship and completely gloss over what came before it. So they are doing "GREAT!" and are sooo happy etc. Its just their way of moving past it. So, yes likely a rebound in part, but does it matter at all? You are feeling a normal amount of loss, unsettled, after the end of the relationship, but you need to stop checking up on him and move on with your own life too. What he is or isn't doing is immaterial - get on with your own life.
stillafool Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 More than likely during one of your many breakups, he met this girl and had the idea that he might want to take her out. After the last time you broke u with him he decided to give it a go with her. That is pretty normal to me but he definitely hasn't forgotten what he had with you, both the good and the bad. Since you aren't interested in getting him back block all access to him and go strict NC. BTW, how did you find out he is happy in his new relationship?
Author SparklyKittens Posted April 11, 2016 Author Posted April 11, 2016 Thank you for the responses. I understand that he is trying to move on, I am trying to do the same. I feel that it's the wrong thing for him to jump into something new so quickly because he will most likely wind up getting hurt but it's his call to make I guess. The thing is, he contacted me first last night. For some reason he still wants me in his life as a friend, yet he's saying how happy he is without me and that he doesn't miss me which kinda contradicts. But finding out he's talking about everything to another girl has put me off being friends with him.
Nickr3023 Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 Thank you for the responses. I understand that he is trying to move on, I am trying to do the same. I feel that it's the wrong thing for him to jump into something new so quickly because he will most likely wind up getting hurt but it's his call to make I guess. The thing is, he contacted me first last night. For some reason he still wants me in his life as a friend, yet he's saying how happy he is without me and that he doesn't miss me which kinda contradicts. But finding out he's talking about everything to another girl has put me off being friends with him. You don't want to be friends with him. He's trying to throw this new relationship in your face to get back at you for breaking up with him. Both of you need to move on from each other. It's pretty apparent you weren't right for each other, and that's alright, but it's time to cut off contact completely with one another and get going on with life.
mightycpa Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 You know, when a boat leaves the dock, it has to untie all its moorings or it can't leave. It is both very understandable and simultaneously unreasonable of you to want him to hurt over this. The truth is that you have no way of knowing where he is mentally. I dated a girl for 5 years, and when she broke up with me, I felt bad for one day. That's it. It was like the act of breaking up flipped a switch inside of me and I never looked back. I was happily asking new girls out again by the weekend. On the other hand, I've also pined for years over somebody. You just never know how someone will react. I guess what you really need to understand that how he feels today has no bearing on what you had or didn't have. So don't let this wounded pride, or feelings of self-pity that you're feeling lead you down that road. There's nothing at the end of that road. Just remember that before was then and this is now. You got what you wanted. You're free. Take yes for an answer. Don't begrudge him his happiness, whether it is real, or if he's just putting on a show for you. Whether or not you want to hang out should be an easy question to answer. If seeing what he's doing bothers you, then decline. If not, then why not? 2
basil67 Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 His ability to move on quickly simply means that he was ready for the relationship to end. However, this doesn't mean that he didn't appreciate the relationship when the good times were happening.
Author SparklyKittens Posted April 12, 2016 Author Posted April 12, 2016 You know, when a boat leaves the dock, it has to untie all its moorings or it can't leave. It is both very understandable and simultaneously unreasonable of you to want him to hurt over this. The truth is that you have no way of knowing where he is mentally. I dated a girl for 5 years, and when she broke up with me, I felt bad for one day. That's it. It was like the act of breaking up flipped a switch inside of me and I never looked back. I was happily asking new girls out again by the weekend. On the other hand, I've also pined for years over somebody. You just never know how someone will react. I guess what you really need to understand that how he feels today has no bearing on what you had or didn't have. So don't let this wounded pride, or feelings of self-pity that you're feeling lead you down that road. There's nothing at the end of that road. Just remember that before was then and this is now. You got what you wanted. You're free. Take yes for an answer. Don't begrudge him his happiness, whether it is real, or if he's just putting on a show for you. Whether or not you want to hang out should be an easy question to answer. If seeing what he's doing bothers you, then decline. If not, then why not? Yeah, he could be over it. But I just ask myself if he were truly over it why would he want to move on into something serious so shortly after, without taking the time to work on himself and become comfortable with being alone again? Anyone who has been through a break up and is able to think rationally would know that it's a terrible idea. He has a lot of self-help to do and I was hoping leaving him would give him a kick up the *** to do so. But instead he's just ignored the opportunity and latched onto someone else. The fact is, I know we were unhappy together but the way he's speaking to me makes me feel that there was nothing else as he is barely acknowledging the good, which makes me feel like all the times he was seemingly happy weren't real. You'd think after knowing someone on such an intimate level for over a year you'd be able to have them figured out but I'm completely clueless, and I know it's hopeless over analysing and trying to figure out where he is at, but it's all I can seem to do at the moment.
keiji Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 I can only see two options here: 1. He's putting on a show. He's not over you at all but he felt rejected and he needs to rub the new girl all over your face as a revenge, or 2. He's moved on, he's truly happy with this new girl and he's acting like a jerk by telling you so enthusiastically. But I'd honestly go with option 1. Ten days later and he's ready for loving again? I doubt it.
elaine567 Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 The fact he originally broke up with you may be the key here. He is acting like a dumper, wanting to be friends and then moving swiftly on. He probably processed this break up ages ago, so he is now ready to date again. The getting back together was just a blip and probably just confirmed for him it wouldn't work.
stillafool Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 The fact he originally broke up with you may be the key here. He is acting like a dumper, wanting to be friends and then moving swiftly on. He probably processed this break up ages ago, so he is now ready to date again. The getting back together was just a blip and probably just confirmed for him it wouldn't work. ^^^^THIS! OP, you've broken up with him so many times that he processed the breakup along time ago and got over you. That happened to me once where the guy kept breaking up with me then getting back together that the last time he broke up I was over it. I knew he would break up with me again and I really couldn't wait for it to happen because I knew this time I wouldn't be back.
Author SparklyKittens Posted April 12, 2016 Author Posted April 12, 2016 He seemed like he was falling for me again when we got back together in January. Like, he seemed pretty emotionally invested. We don't live together and he has a full time job and he made the effort to see me every weekend. When I broke up with him mid March he was really upset, was supposedly in love with me. Even after this we spent a lot of time together, saw eachother every few days over the week because he was off work...we don't live together and he made the effort to come and see me. It's the fact that he's talking to one girl seriously rather than a bunch of different girls that would be meaningless. Its hurtful that this happened days after the official split. I'm soo confused because I'm hearing different things from different people and they all seem logical. It's killing me knowing that it could turn into something serious and that he got over the relationship so quickly, if he truly has.
mightycpa Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 Yeah, he could be over it. But I just ask myself if he were truly over it why would he want to move on into something serious so shortly after, without taking the time to work on himself and become comfortable with being alone again? Why? Again, we don't know about him, but for me, the switch was flipped. I WAS comfortable being with myself all of a sudden. It felt great. Maybe he is like I was, and he's just fine. No introspection required, and whether self-improvement is required or not (isn't it always?), he doesn't feel the need. I can sympathize with that completely. That said, I wasn't looking for a girlfriend. I was more interested in variety, but some people aren't like that. He might like being attached, or maybe he did find someone new who's captured his interest. One thing's for sure. He's not like you, so don't expect him to think or act like you. 1
stillafool Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 He seemed like he was falling for me again when we got back together in January. Like, he seemed pretty emotionally invested. We don't live together and he has a full time job and he made the effort to see me every weekend. When I broke up with him mid March he was really upset, was supposedly in love with me. Even after this we spent a lot of time together, saw eachother every few days over the week because he was off work...we don't live together and he made the effort to come and see me. It's the fact that he's talking to one girl seriously rather than a bunch of different girls that would be meaningless. Its hurtful that this happened days after the official split. I'm soo confused because I'm hearing different things from different people and they all seem logical. It's killing me knowing that it could turn into something serious and that he got over the relationship so quickly, if he truly has. You're being rather irrational. You broke up with him, you say you don't want him back, yet you are angry because he has moved on. He is allowed to move forward in whatever way he chooses. Maybe he doesn't want to date a bunch of random women and finds this girl special. Only the two of them know what is going on in their relationship. I think it is time to put your ego in check and start seeing other guys so you can move forward also.
stillafool Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 I'm soo confused because I'm hearing different things from different people and they all seem logical. It's killing me knowing that it could turn into something serious and that he got over the relationship so quickly, if he truly has. It will help you with this break up if you tell people not to tell what he's doing.
Author SparklyKittens Posted April 12, 2016 Author Posted April 12, 2016 You're being rather irrational. You broke up with him, you say you don't want him back, yet you are angry because he has moved on. He is allowed to move forward in whatever way he chooses. Maybe he doesn't want to date a bunch of random women and finds this girl special. Only the two of them know what is going on in their relationship. I think it is time to put your ego in check and start seeing other guys so you can move forward also. and it isn't irrational for him to immediately try to find someone else because he feels lonely? im not being told that I'm wrong for feeling upset. I'm aware he can do what he wants. He hardly knows the girl. He told me himself it wasn't fair to find someone new straight away, and that's exactly what He did.
stillafool Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 and it isn't irrational for him to immediately try to find someone else because he feels lonely? im not being told that I'm wrong for feeling upset. I'm aware he can do what he wants. He hardly knows the girl. He told me himself it wasn't fair to find someone new straight away, and that's exactly what He did. No it really isn't. If someone broke up with him and he's lonely he has every right to find companionship. Again, you nor I know what is going on between him and this girl that made him chose her to move forward with. The point is, you let him go, you don't want him back so let the guy be happy. You sound like you have your stuff together so you shouldn't have any problems finding a guy you want to be with. TBH, who he is seeing and why at this point is none of your business.
elaine567 Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 He may be nursing a broken heart or he may be ecstatically happy to be young, free, and single, who knows? BUT you broke up with him so what is he supposed to do? YOU cannot have your cake and eat it here. I know it dents your ego - he should really be sitting there heartbroken unable to function as YOU were the "love of his life", but we are not in Hollywood, some men(and women), even heart broken ones, often find another woman/man pretty quick, to make them feel better, after a break up.
Author SparklyKittens Posted April 12, 2016 Author Posted April 12, 2016 He may be nursing a broken heart or he may be ecstatically happy to be young, free, and single, who knows? BUT you broke up with him so what is he supposed to do? YOU cannot have your cake and eat it here. I know it dents your ego - he should really be sitting there heartbroken unable to function as YOU were the "love of his life", but we are not in Hollywood, some men(and women), even heart broken ones, often find another woman/man pretty quick, to make them feel better, after a break up. No, I just know it's just a better option for people to stay single after a break up for at least a short while and work on their self esteem and really find themselves again as an individual. Rushing into it is a quick fix like putting a bandaid over a wound, it is something that makes them feel better short term and not in the long term. I certainly do not expect him to be unable to function. Yeah, because I've made it sound like I'm the love of his life when I've said how unhealthy the relationship was. I've simply said that I think he's making a poor decision and I am still grieving myself. It's a perfectly normal thing for people who have recently came out of a relationship to feel when their ex quickly moves on to something else. A lot of my emotion is currently heightened, but I am not going to rush into anything simply because I know it wouldn't be lasting.
mightycpa Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 No, I just know it's just a better option for people to stay single after a break up for at least a short while and work on their self esteem and really find themselves again as an individual. Not if they don't give a ****. That's what I was trying to say earlier, in a much nicer way. 1
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