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My new girlfriend is Christian and I am not? [updated]


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Posted

Comes down to this. You respect her beliefs and she doesn't respect yours plain and simple. So if you want to continue with her then be prepared to be with someone who gives you the ultimatum of "Her way or the highway".

 

If it was me, when you got out of her car and got into yours and she called you, I would have told her that if she can't respect your beliefs then move on. So far she isn't showing me she's a good Christian with her lack of feelings for another persons point of view.

Posted (edited)
So I have news on this issue, I sat her down and talked to her and she said we are not breaking up over this and she wises I would believe but that she respects that I'm open minded about it and wants us to work it out.what do you guys think on her reply?

 

She's hoping you might change your mind over this in the future, and convert for her if you ever decide to get married.

That's what she means with "work it out," because she already told you that her husband has to be a Christian.

Edited by Erik30
Posted
So I have news on this issue, I sat her down and talked to her and she said we are not breaking up over this and she wises I would believe but that she respects that I'm open minded about it and wants us to work it out.what do you guys think on her reply?

 

She told you that you weren't going to break up over this? Told? Don't you have a say in the matter? Is this all she said? How does she intend to 'work it out'? Did she say she'd changed her mind about wanting to marry only a Christian? Oop, that's a lot of questions!

 

 

I agree with everyone else, she's hoping you'll convert. I could be wrong but if it gets down the line, you see a future, you want to get married, she'll hit you with it. She'll only marry a Christian and therefore you have to convert. After all, she did warn you about it early on in your relationship.

 

 

Ultimately it's up to you where you want this relationship to go. You, not her. Do YOU want to continue knowing what you know now? Are you willing to convert further down the line? Or, as another poster said, are you willing to lie about it. That is certainly an option.

  • Like 1
  • 2 weeks later...
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Posted

Okay so, I posted a week ago about my new girlfriend being a Christian and I am not that has worked itself out and we are still together. So I'm kinda giving you an update on that situation with this first paragraph. Also thanks for all the replies on that thread.

 

Now I have another problem, go figure. I knew this in the beginning. My girlfriend has a child who is one year old. The Father of the child is a dead-beat Dad, in and out of jail, doesn't pay child support, drug addiction, the whole nine yards. I am currently 19 years old (20 here soon) and my girlfriend is 21 years old (22 soon).

 

At first, I just planned on hooking up with her and that be all it was. But I ended up liking this girl a lot and decided she was worth keeping around. I have no problem with her having a child whatsoever but me being 19 and all it definitely complicates our relationship and makes me feel weird about it. I love her kid with all my heart and I feel like this child needs a Father figure to be around. However, me being so young I feel like I am getting into something that I have no business getting into and honestly it's scaring me.

 

The reason I am worried about this is because I am only 19 as I've said numerous times now (lol) and I think I'm getting in too deep with this relationship. I mean do I really have to throw my life away for a child that I did not bring into this Earth? Or can I stand by in the sidelines and our relationship still work?

 

My girl is great, in fact she's amazing. We have great chemistry, we have great sex, and conversation is never boring. But the child complicates things. I'm not saying this child is in the way at all because I love her kid I'm just scared I am getting into something that I do not need to get into.

 

Any thoughts or opinions on this matter?

 

-Quokka:)

Posted

I can understand being ambivilant about this because a child changes things. It's hard to say what you should do. I think you're a little too young to take this on. Not that you can't do it, but do you want to be tied down to this at this stage of your life? Kids kind of kill spontaneity, and even kill the fun sometimes. It's hard to just take off for a weekend trip, things like that. And a lot of things center around kids -- they get sick, there's day care to pay for, they get in bad moods and act bratty, etc. Lots of responsibility so soon in life.

 

I think a determining factor might be if the mom has a lot of support from her family. That would make a difference in some ways. Not sure what to tell you. If you really like this girl, it's tough. The other things to think about is where you see yourself headed over the next several years -- college, starting a business, focusing on your career, etc. and will this relationship hold you back.

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Posted
I can understand being ambivilant about this because a child changes things. It's hard to say what you should do. I think you're a little too young to take this on. Not that you can't do it, but do you want to be tied down to this at this stage of your life? Kids kind of kill spontaneity, and even kill the fun sometimes. It's hard to just take off for a weekend trip, things like that. And a lot of things center around kids -- they get sick, there's day care to pay for, they get in bad moods and act bratty, etc. Lots of responsibility so soon in life.

 

I think a determining factor might be if the mom has a lot of support from her family. That would make a difference in some ways. Not sure what to tell you. If you really like this girl, it's tough. The other things to think about is where you see yourself headed over the next several years -- college, starting a business, focusing on your career, etc. and will this relationship hold you back.

 

Yeah everything you listed is what my mind has went over and over and over. Her family is very involved in the child's life. They watch the child when she has work and when she wants to go on a date with me. However, she has told me that as we progress I'll have to be around her daughter more. And eventually she's going to get her own apartment just her and her daughter and if we are still together in say a couple months she wants me to live there with her so I'll definitely be becoming a step-dad and that to me is terrifying. The Father cannot be around his daughter either. I mean I could see me falling in love with this girl but it's just odd for me to be a step-dad at 19 (not literally but you get my point).

Posted

Ok let me just say that she's nuts to suggest that the two of you move in together in just a couple of months. You absolutely need to NOT do that. You need to date this girl (not live with her) for at least a year before committing any deeper. It's also concerning that she seems to have high expectations of you being involved with this child before the two of you can cement your relationship.

 

Sorry, I've got to tell you that you probably should exit this situation. She's already revved this up too much in my opinion. And I'm all for single moms. I was one myself for many years. But I didn't put those kinds of expectations on anyone I had only dated for a short time. She's rushing things way too much.

  • Like 6
Posted

Ugh.

 

Run.

 

Run hard. Run fast. Run like the wind.

 

But run.

 

I'm sorry, but you're a 19 year old boy just out of high school, for God's sakes. She's a young girl who made some horrible choices in life and was foolish enough to waste her time and ended up getting pregnant by a junkie who's in and out of jail. And that would be because SHE was too young and foolish to know any better.

 

You're not her knight in shining armor, come to save the day because she screwed up her young life. It's not YOUR responsibility to clean up the mess she and her junkie boyfriend made and it's not your responsibility to step in as Super Dad.

 

You can date her and 'have no problem with her having a kid,' but that doesn't mean you need to dedicate your life to her. Guys your age are clearly NOT yet ready to commit and settle down into life-long relationships nor are they emotionally mature enough to take on an insta-family.

 

I already see how she's trying to slowly suck you in, telling you that you have to spend more time with her kid and eventually move in with them and become a father figure.

 

You're too young. I guarantee you in a couple of years you'll be regretting it with every fiber of your being.

 

Look, she CHOSE to be a single mother at her age. She had options. She chose to be a single mother. That's her situation and it ain't gonna change. But once you get sucked in, getting out is going to be very difficult.

 

Don't do it.

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Posted
Ok let me just say that she's nuts to suggest that the two of you move in together in just a couple of months. You absolutely need to NOT do that. You need to date this girl (not live with her) for at least a year before committing any deeper. It's also concerning that she seems to have high expectations of you being involved with this child before the two of you can cement your relationship.

 

Sorry, I've got to tell you that you probably should exit this situation. She's already revved this up too much in my opinion. And I'm all for single moms. I was one myself for many years. But I didn't put those kinds of expectations on anyone I had only dated for a short time. She's rushing things way too much.

 

No no no it's not really like that. She says she doesn't want me to be around her child if I'm just going to leave her. Which is understandable to me at least. She doesn't want people in and out of her life. She didn't really ask me to move in she said that she wants me there with her most nights and I'll practically be living there. But she also isn't ready to meet my Mom or for me to meet her Dad. She says it's too soon and has also told me there's no need to move fast. So I don't think that's her intention. I think she's just scared to let me in her life and her daughter's life only for me to end up leaving her because most dudes have left her because she says "no one wants to put up with a child when it's not theirs" So I think she's just afraid I'll abandon her and her daughter.

Posted

Hard truth is that at your age it is unlikely that this relationship is going to last into your 70's. It does happen, but more often than not people at your age split up and go out with others.

 

She is VERY young to have a child. However she may have been pressured into keeping it as she is a Christian. And once they are here, they are here and you do love them.

 

I know you like this girl OP but you really need to think long and hard about this one. In the US you are not even legal to drink yet so you are cutting out all those party years where you kick up your heals for dirty nappys and sleepless nights. This can then turn into resentment and bitterness. Please be very wary of this.

 

I am very glad that your girlfriend has the support of her family and I am very sorry for her situation but it was her choice to go out with that guy, it was her choice to keep the child. You have choices too... She does deserve to be loved and have a good relationship but you need to be absolutely sure in your mind that it is not going to cost you both dearly down the line.

 

People do take on other peoples children and they do love them just as their own. Happens every day with step children, foster children, adopted children.

 

Good luck to both of you. But I am afraid my advice to you is walk away.

  • Like 2
Posted

I think you have a good head on your shoulders, OP, and a good heart.

 

Has your gf raised any of the concerns you've shared with us? She is also aware of your age, I assume, and should be protecting her child first and foremost. It seems she has not discussed any concerns with you, unless you did not include them in your OP?

Posted

I have read the other responses and your reply. I applaud your willingness to process your concerns this way. You have plenty of reasons to be alarmed. I wonder if your parents have been able to help you in sorting out these choices. Your comment about her not wanting to interact with your mom or with her dad adds complexity. This is potentially bringing two families together for life. That should be sobering to you. Like the individual who said multiple times to run, if you are not ready to handle all the emotions and attachments you are feeling, you probably have answered your own question.

Posted
She says she doesn't want me to be around her child if I'm just going to leave her.

 

I understand her angle and she's right about not getting her child attached to you yet, but do you see that she's putting all of this on you? Notice that it's about about if you decide to leave her? She's playing a victim card there.

 

It should be her making the decision of "I don't want a man around my child until I'm confident that the relationship has legs". And frankly, she should be including her option to leave you and the recognition that it's best to end the relationship if it doesn't work.

 

I know it's semantics. But semantics can give a deeper view into the psyche of how another person works. If you leave the relationship - even for very good reason - she will see you as the bad guy.

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Posted

I don't mean to sound harsh here, so don't take it personal.

 

Coming from me, a single dad, who's dated single mom's as well, if your not 100% prepared and committed to being in that child's life, don't do it. A child adds a whole other realm to your relationship. In a way, you're not dating just the girl, you're also dating the kid.

 

IMO, you don't sound ready for that. If I met a girl, and she wasn't sure if she could handle my child, I'd want her to be honest and bail.

Posted

Then leave her alone. You're not ready for all of her life, so get out now before she and the child grow any more attached to you than they already have.

 

She really should not have brought you around the child until she knew for certain that you're a "forever" kind of guy. You're not; at least not for her. So cut her loose.

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Posted

IMHO What matters is that you love this girl. Of course she's going to

Be nervous around her child because it's a child. With her experience

And having a child it's pretty much fast forward to moving... You

Can keep the relationship and the challenges if you really want to

But if not then maybe you're not ready or deserve a challenging

Relationship gl

Posted

At first, I just planned on hooking up with her and that be all it was.

 

I'd hazard a bet that the baby's Daddy thought the same, be careful and practice safe sex as well as always use a condom, no need for her to have 2 children at her age.

 

Your GF and her baby are a package deal, take them as one.. if you don;t want to be the possible Step Dad then move on, she will always or hopefully always put her child first and that is something you need to get used to and not complain about, being a parent is a tough job with lots of responsibilities.

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Posted

you will never know how deep the sea if you don't jump to it. so at your case, you can just be happy date her be happy and as long as she is not asking you to pay child support. dear you are just 19 I know but you will never know if you just run. maybe she is just dreaming and sharing thoughts with you. you know that if a girl loves the guy she shares dreams plans and hope.. and since she have a child she is included in that dream.. but that doesn't mean that you need to agree with all her taught and dreams.. you can just be happy around her for now. and if you already figure out what is best for the two of you then that's the time that you have to make a decision. any ways if you really love her you will do anything to make her have the best. but for now don't rush anything yet and believe in carpe diem.. and yolo

Posted

Okay, so my perspective coming at this is I myself am a single dad, I'm 24, I have a 7 year old son and my gf of coming up to a year now is only 21 and childless.

 

That said.. I'm going to swing for your gf on this.

 

I totally get saying you don't want your kid to get close to someone who's not 100% committed.

Maybe she didn't word it amazingly but as a parent you always want to protect your kid and you always worry about scenarios which could hurt them!

 

As for your relationship, it really is your choice.. Basically 19 is not too young if you want to be settled down with her and her kid. 19 is too young if you don't.

You say a lot "19 is young to be in so deep" etc etc which, I might be wrong, but it sounds like other peoples words. It sounds like a line you use in reference to someone else, not yourself. You need to work out how you feel, and what you want. Don't factor in what you think you should feel or want. Just be honest with yourself and you wont go wrong.

 

The thing is, your not committing for life by giving it a go.

Don't mess her around, don't stay & mess her kid around if you aren't serious. But nothing is ever written in stone.

As a dad I didn't date for a long time because I was focused on me and my boy. Obviously when I got involved with my gf and it got more serious and she started to become a part of my sons life (who lacks a mother figure, similarly to your gf's son lacking a father figure) the thought did cross my mind, if we didn't work, it would affect him too. But you cant make any one guarantee you 100% forever! All you can ask for is them to be 100% committed to trying, to giving it their very best shot.

That's what you need to decide if you are in a position to do.

  • Author
Posted

So my girlfriend of a month started pulling away from me (so it seemed) for the week I'd hear from her in splotchy intervals like 10am, 2pm, 5pm, and before she went to bed. She also started seeing me less. I'd ask if we can see each other and she'd say I am busy today, or I have work, etc.

 

Now she has some justifiable reasons for doing all of this and this is her side of why she is being like this:

Her brother passed away last year and his Birthday was 3 days ago, she also has a one year old child who no one really watches for her unless she is at work, she works 40 hours a week as a waitress. So she is very busy and very stressed out most of the time.

 

Now for the past 3 days (started on her Brother's Birthday) she went 5 hours with no reply, sent me a looooaaad of texts apologizing and saying her phone was dead. I tell her it's cool etc. The next day we are suppose to hangout, She says "We can hangout today when my Grandma leaves my house." 5 hours goes by after that text and she says "My Grandma didn't leave till 8:30 and I ran into (insert name) at Wal-mart" Now this made me a little heated because first of all, we were suppose to kick it, she didn't text me for 5 hours, and then she only texts me to tell me we can't hangout but basically she can go to wal-mart and run into people. So of course I started an argument and she just stopped replying and went to bed.

 

The next day which is today she didn't text me all day. (we work at the same job) I'm up at work and she comes in for her shift. We didn't even bat an eye at each other for the first hour and then she comes up to me, puts her arm around my waist and tells me to come outside with her. We both go outside and we light a cigarette. She starts of by saying I'm sorry and started crying to me about how she's acting weird because she misses her brother. And I tell her I get that because my Father died and his Birthday is next week. But ignoring me is really just not cool and that's how I feel about it. She then goes to say sorry and as she's crying I just couldn't help but put my hand on her shoulder and started rubbing her back and I could tell that she loved it when I did that. Anyway we start making out after that and she tells me to wait for her till she gets off work, I do and she gives me a ride to my house (my truck broke down) She tells me that I'm acting weird because the whole night I was acting stand-offish and I told her I could say the same and she made me feel weird about everything my pulling away from me so much. Again she apologizes and we start kissing again and usually she lets me do all the touching but tonight she was rubbing all over me kinda like she was trying to apologize physically.

 

So basically I know she's sorry about everything but even still I'm confused as to what I should do about this. Going back to normal just doesn't feel right. I want to pull away from her just to give her space from me and maybe build up more attraction in that time. I definitely don't want to leave her though.

 

Anyway what do you guys think about this situation?

 

-Quokka :bunny:

Posted

I think you need to be the sole carer of a young child and work a 40-hour week and see just how much energy YOU have to devote to someone who thinks they're entitled to be the centre of your attention.

 

Sorry to sound harsh, I really am.

But until you've been a single-parent, you just have no idea.

Man, you work with her fer chrissakes - !

Was she mega-close to her brother?

And by comparison, how long ago did your dad die, and how close were you to him?

 

There's nothing makes a woman feel so unworthy when she's trying to open her heart to you, by explaining her position, and a guy makes a "one-upmanship" comment.

 

I miss my brother, he died and his birthday was three days ago...!"

"Yeah, I know, my dad died, and his birthday is next week."

 

May well be true, but you have to pick your moment.

This is HER grief. HER emotion. HER feeling.

She doesn't want you to 'top' it with yours.

She needs comfort.

You said yourself she liked her back-rub.

 

That's what she needed. Your support and understanding.

Instead of which, it just sounds as if you're giving her a hard time because "I want some

 

If you work with her, and you know the extra load she's carrying - help her.

Babysit now and then so she can go and get a facial, her hair done, something to lift her spirits.

It sounds as if her life is drudgery.

 

Don't add to that.

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Posted
I think you need to be the sole carer of a young child and work a 40-hour week and see just how much energy YOU have to devote to someone who thinks they're entitled to be the centre of your attention.

 

Sorry to sound harsh, I really am.

But until you've been a single-parent, you just have no idea.

Man, you work with her fer chrissakes - !

Was she mega-close to her brother?

And by comparison, how long ago did your dad die, and how close were you to him?

 

There's nothing makes a woman feel so unworthy when she's trying to open her heart to you, by explaining her position, and a guy makes a "one-upmanship" comment.

 

I miss my brother, he died and his birthday was three days ago...!"

"Yeah, I know, my dad died, and his birthday is next week."

 

May well be true, but you have to pick your moment.

This is HER grief. HER emotion. HER feeling.

She doesn't want you to 'top' it with yours.

She needs comfort.

You said yourself she liked her back-rub.

 

That's what she needed. Your support and understanding.

Instead of which, it just sounds as if you're giving her a hard time because "I want some

 

If you work with her, and you know the extra load she's carrying - help her.

Babysit now and then so she can go and get a facial, her hair done, something to lift her spirits.

It sounds as if her life is drudgery.

 

Don't add to that.

Okay fair enough, you made a lot of great points and you're right. I am needy and I know I am. My Dad died when I was 15, I am 19 now currently.

 

It wasn't like I one-up'd her comment I basically replied with "Well I can sympathize because my Dad's Birthday is coming up too" and I apologized for making things difficult even on her Brother's Birthday. She told me she is just tired of arguing because she doesn't have the energy to do that and I understand.

 

I don't want to argue, she knows I have anxiety and I always just jump to worst-case scenario in all aspects of my life and I told her that and apologized for not being more sympathetic to her situation. and I told her I could definitely handle situations a lot better than I have been.

 

But back to the I want attention thing, you're right. I have been feeling un-needed/un-wanted in her life lately simply because we have no time to do anything together because her life IS like you said "Drudgery" and I don't want to make things worse, that's my last intention even though I do sometimes, I don't mean to. I just miss the **** outta her and it's starting to get to me. That's all it is.

 

And I would love to watch her kid and let her have a day to herself. I just never asked. I'm kind of realizing how ****ty and selfish I've been lately. fml:(

Posted

Well first of all, thank you for taking all that on board.

I have to confess, I half-expected a rebuttal, but you took it on the chin, so thank you for being receptive.

 

Be honest with her.

Admit what you've told me, to her.

 

And I have often found that a feel-good factor can be generated by generosity.

 

"How can I make your life better/easier? What can I do to take some f the weight off?"

 

That kind of suggestion could make her day.

 

And yours.

 

LISTEN to her.

 

Many of us don't listen to understand - we listen to respond.

 

Try to not focus on how you'd respond.

Focus more on being understanding and supportive.

 

I guarantee, it will make a world of difference....

Posted

For what it's worth, you're not unneeded/unwanted. The problem is that she's overwhelmed and stuggling to fit it all in. It's always important to look at the bigger picture instead of thinking that it's about ourself.

  • Like 2
Posted

It sounds like you've definitely identified why she was acting distant. Remembering those dates in the future will help you to support her through those days. You can't make it better but offering as much support as possible is important.

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